I had actually got a post in my head I had forgotten about, so I am going to write that...
When I was younger, I adored horses. At the age of seven I insisted I wanted to learn to ride and something persuaded my Mum, who is so terrified of horses that watching me would make her feel sick, to let me. I would go up and work in the holidays for extra rides and just to be near the horses.
I read about horses, fiction and non-fiction. I drew horse. I even pretended to be a horse and trotted and cantered around the garden, even making little jumps for myself....
It occurs to me now that the horse was probably my power animal at that time and that I danced my horse in oh so very many ways.
But it all changed eventually. The stables I went to closed and the next closest stables was quite some way away and I could not get there so often and it was not as convenient for those who had to drive me. I discovered boys and going out. I got glandular fever and drawing and art fell by the wayside and I certainly did not feel like running around the garden. Oh and I had a horse bolt with me, i don't think it scared me, but it was the last time I headed over to those stables....
During the period when I was very sick with glandular fever, my family and I went to Paris for a long weekend. I spent a lot of this time asleep in the hotel room, crawling out to eat snails and other such delights in the evenings. One thing I remember very, very clearly from this holiday is having a large red mark, like a love bite, on my left cheek. It shows in all the photos....
And how did I get this? Well... there was a field behind the house with horses in and I used to go into the field and pet the horses and feed them handfuls of grass. I did this many, many times but this one time, the horse suddenly switched from being passive and nice to being nasty and it went for my face. It left no teeth marks and drew no blood, but just left me with this mark for a while.
I am not sure I had much at all to do with horses after that. Studying, boys, health issues and moving to the city all got in the way...
But what strikes my erysephelas ( A strep skin infection) was in exactly the same spot. The rash I had a couple of weeks ago, was also in this same spot. So what does all this mean exactly? Not a clue....
Oh and I saw the tail-less magpie again this morning, hoping around in the road eating carrion. It even flew a little and I am sure it will be just fine.... It looked fine. Sure there is a message in this as well..... Messages everywhere, if you know how to read them....
Tuesday 28 June 2011
Good and Bad
There has been lots going on...
The joy of finishing my invites and putting the postal ones in the post...
The complete and utter low of realising that the now mostly arrived invites have the wrong time on them....
The great concert by Pendulum at Eden...
How short the time was they actually played, the aches and the huge bruise on my leg....
Spending time on the beach with a mate, talking and catching up....
The sunburn...
Drinking and eating chips with dips on the beach at the lovely Blue Bar...
Discovering I had gone overdrawn because F managed to duck out of paying for the petrol to Pendulum and we bought it at a more expensive garage so I went overdrawn by pence and had to get my friend to pay (sooo embarassing)....
Discovering my parents have found a beautiful house they want to buy and had an offer on their home. My home. The house they moved in to on my first birthday....
That I care enough about my parents to want them to have that new house sooo much!
Wondering why I feel so low the last couple of days, wondering if my magpies have deserted me. Not seen Mr Magpie in days and Mrs Magpie won't come close enough to get the food I throw, then yesterday, no magpies showed up at all. I worry they may have lost their territory or health of something. On the way to work yesterday I saw a tail-less magpie.... what does that mean as an omen?
Reading my email horoscope and being told I have opportunities available right now involving people with the same interests. Immediately think of Shamanism and sigh.
Read my next email, a blog comment from the writer of a blog on shamanism who is incredible, offering to help me.
And suddenly I know my run of interesting luck of the last few days is over and everything is just fine. There are other magpies and I can grow new tail feathers....
The joy of finishing my invites and putting the postal ones in the post...
The complete and utter low of realising that the now mostly arrived invites have the wrong time on them....
The great concert by Pendulum at Eden...
How short the time was they actually played, the aches and the huge bruise on my leg....
Spending time on the beach with a mate, talking and catching up....
The sunburn...
Drinking and eating chips with dips on the beach at the lovely Blue Bar...
Discovering I had gone overdrawn because F managed to duck out of paying for the petrol to Pendulum and we bought it at a more expensive garage so I went overdrawn by pence and had to get my friend to pay (sooo embarassing)....
Discovering my parents have found a beautiful house they want to buy and had an offer on their home. My home. The house they moved in to on my first birthday....
That I care enough about my parents to want them to have that new house sooo much!
Wondering why I feel so low the last couple of days, wondering if my magpies have deserted me. Not seen Mr Magpie in days and Mrs Magpie won't come close enough to get the food I throw, then yesterday, no magpies showed up at all. I worry they may have lost their territory or health of something. On the way to work yesterday I saw a tail-less magpie.... what does that mean as an omen?
Reading my email horoscope and being told I have opportunities available right now involving people with the same interests. Immediately think of Shamanism and sigh.
Read my next email, a blog comment from the writer of a blog on shamanism who is incredible, offering to help me.
And suddenly I know my run of interesting luck of the last few days is over and everything is just fine. There are other magpies and I can grow new tail feathers....
Friday 24 June 2011
Bee
I am still here but some days time is an issue! I have been so tired since the eclipse and yesterday morning I even slept through my alarm.... Although today I woke ealry and could not get back to sleep - my skin also seems to have finally decided to break out. I have been spot free since my skin rash which is not a good thing for me, it means the toxins are not leaving my skin, my lymph system is not gathering them up.
Overtime beckons again and will do from now up to not long before the wedding. Overtime crooked it's little finger this week...
And yet, most of the invites somehow finished themselves this week. I have only another six to do and that was because I did not have surnames when I printed them off. I am intending for F to post some of them today....
And yet my list of things to do does not seem to be shrinking.... oh well...
My presence here may be a little unpredictable over the next couple of months!
Anyway, time to fly! Again...
(wish I could fly for real, how cool would that be?)
Overtime beckons again and will do from now up to not long before the wedding. Overtime crooked it's little finger this week...
And yet, most of the invites somehow finished themselves this week. I have only another six to do and that was because I did not have surnames when I printed them off. I am intending for F to post some of them today....
And yet my list of things to do does not seem to be shrinking.... oh well...
My presence here may be a little unpredictable over the next couple of months!
Anyway, time to fly! Again...
(wish I could fly for real, how cool would that be?)
Monday 20 June 2011
21 Secrets: Improvisation Station
Because of a paint overload I decided to do Natasha's Improvisation Station course next and it has been great!
First we wrote intros for ourselves. Mine ended up as a huge list of labels, like sister, aunt, nerd.... Qualities such as academic, reserved... things I have done or do including jobs I have done and hobbies.... But all this was not me, it is just the choices I make and how I am perceived. Someone could write the exact the same list and be a very, very different person. Not that it doesn't say a lot, but not the things I really want to say about ME, the person inside....
So it got ripped up.
Then we wrote a second intro under Natasha's guidance and this is what I wrote.....
I am the cool of a Summer's morning. I am the mud between your toes. I am the lines, that meet and play and talk and get knotted together. I am the hug of a cozy jumper. I am the book beneath the bed, the page dropped in a puddle. I am the colours that run, to somewhere new. I am the dream awaiting in the wings for you to just let go and sleep. I am the roots that twist together beneath your feet and the leaves that twist and dance in the breeze above your head. I am the colours smudged across the sky saying hello and good bye to the Sun, the Moon and the Stars as they spin on by. I am the moment before you open your eyes, held awake in the web of the dreaming world.
Which felt alot more like me, but what exactly it means was a bit hard for me to interpret but never fear! Ms Natasha was on hand to help and this is what she said.....
That cool on a summer morning is so refreshing as are YOU! The things that you share are unique and come from a place that is fascinating within you. YOU are inspiring just as you are. Mud between your toes can be irritating or it can be such fun to squish...often when people find others irritating it's because they are shedding some light on the truth that one does not want to see...however the ability to see truth in others and help them to see it is a gift...that's how I see you. I think you have the ability to see truth. I also think you have a gift for fun - you bring such lighthearted goodness to life. GREAT image of the lines meeting and playing and getting knotted - another illustration of the distinctive voice and perspective you have on life. This illustrates your playful side I think and love...when I think of getting knotted together, I think of trust, love and the freedom to be who you are when with someone you enjoy. I think people often feel love from you. Ah the hug of the jumper - you are warm, so warm that people could disappear into your hug and feel safe. These lines are so wonderful - the book beneath the bed..you are the magic that people discover. They stumble upon you like that book and they wonder about the light they have in their lives after they have met you. You are a secret goodness, a secret sunbeam. The page in the puddle - the words may fade but you can still make out that there is an interesting story on it....you are an interesting story with much to say and though some things could be lost in translation all the important things always shine through. Colors - you are FILLED with color, lots of colors and you blend them so beautifully like the emotions and experiences in your life they run together and explore new lands....you don't need to know the destination just the colors are enough to inspire exploration. Dreams are magical...they seem to make no sense logically but they make sense in another more beautiful sense - YOU make sense in all realms. YOU bring the colors and the imagination to all that you do and you do it outside the box, you do it in a way that tears down the limits and allows room to breathe, play and bask in the beauty of the imagination. Whether you are the roots or the leaves you are all connection - you are an example of the beautiful connection that exists between people in your life and nature and the world around you. You are so open that the world exists in the middle of your chest and each of your limbs sprouts love like leaves on branches. You are the celebration of color and the Universe...you allow yourself to grow larger, to be fully YOU and reach up to the heavens...that is a gift! You are the bridge between the world where things are limited and limitless and because you have existed in both you are able to show others how to lose their limits and find the beauty of their true soul. YOU are phenomenal..YOU are the celebration and I jump in to be a part of it all!
And how lovely is that? So worth doing this course just for Natasha's enthusiastic and loving interpretation! *gives Natasha a huge hug*
Then you use Natasha's further guidance and prompts to produce a lovely journal page with the ripped up bits of your first intro as an element....
And here's mine!
First we wrote intros for ourselves. Mine ended up as a huge list of labels, like sister, aunt, nerd.... Qualities such as academic, reserved... things I have done or do including jobs I have done and hobbies.... But all this was not me, it is just the choices I make and how I am perceived. Someone could write the exact the same list and be a very, very different person. Not that it doesn't say a lot, but not the things I really want to say about ME, the person inside....
So it got ripped up.
Then we wrote a second intro under Natasha's guidance and this is what I wrote.....
I am the cool of a Summer's morning. I am the mud between your toes. I am the lines, that meet and play and talk and get knotted together. I am the hug of a cozy jumper. I am the book beneath the bed, the page dropped in a puddle. I am the colours that run, to somewhere new. I am the dream awaiting in the wings for you to just let go and sleep. I am the roots that twist together beneath your feet and the leaves that twist and dance in the breeze above your head. I am the colours smudged across the sky saying hello and good bye to the Sun, the Moon and the Stars as they spin on by. I am the moment before you open your eyes, held awake in the web of the dreaming world.
Which felt alot more like me, but what exactly it means was a bit hard for me to interpret but never fear! Ms Natasha was on hand to help and this is what she said.....
That cool on a summer morning is so refreshing as are YOU! The things that you share are unique and come from a place that is fascinating within you. YOU are inspiring just as you are. Mud between your toes can be irritating or it can be such fun to squish...often when people find others irritating it's because they are shedding some light on the truth that one does not want to see...however the ability to see truth in others and help them to see it is a gift...that's how I see you. I think you have the ability to see truth. I also think you have a gift for fun - you bring such lighthearted goodness to life. GREAT image of the lines meeting and playing and getting knotted - another illustration of the distinctive voice and perspective you have on life. This illustrates your playful side I think and love...when I think of getting knotted together, I think of trust, love and the freedom to be who you are when with someone you enjoy. I think people often feel love from you. Ah the hug of the jumper - you are warm, so warm that people could disappear into your hug and feel safe. These lines are so wonderful - the book beneath the bed..you are the magic that people discover. They stumble upon you like that book and they wonder about the light they have in their lives after they have met you. You are a secret goodness, a secret sunbeam. The page in the puddle - the words may fade but you can still make out that there is an interesting story on it....you are an interesting story with much to say and though some things could be lost in translation all the important things always shine through. Colors - you are FILLED with color, lots of colors and you blend them so beautifully like the emotions and experiences in your life they run together and explore new lands....you don't need to know the destination just the colors are enough to inspire exploration. Dreams are magical...they seem to make no sense logically but they make sense in another more beautiful sense - YOU make sense in all realms. YOU bring the colors and the imagination to all that you do and you do it outside the box, you do it in a way that tears down the limits and allows room to breathe, play and bask in the beauty of the imagination. Whether you are the roots or the leaves you are all connection - you are an example of the beautiful connection that exists between people in your life and nature and the world around you. You are so open that the world exists in the middle of your chest and each of your limbs sprouts love like leaves on branches. You are the celebration of color and the Universe...you allow yourself to grow larger, to be fully YOU and reach up to the heavens...that is a gift! You are the bridge between the world where things are limited and limitless and because you have existed in both you are able to show others how to lose their limits and find the beauty of their true soul. YOU are phenomenal..YOU are the celebration and I jump in to be a part of it all!
And how lovely is that? So worth doing this course just for Natasha's enthusiastic and loving interpretation! *gives Natasha a huge hug*
Then you use Natasha's further guidance and prompts to produce a lovely journal page with the ripped up bits of your first intro as an element....
And here's mine!
Sunday 19 June 2011
The Wind Blows Through Me
It is interesting to hear Suzi say I sound more confident. Something this last while has switched inside of me. I say that something happened over the Winter, but that isn't quite true.
That Winter Solstice with the eclipse was... incredible....
It left me feeling so very, very tired. I could feel an energy flowing through me, but not an energy that I could 'tap into' to get things done. It was something else. I am sure I have heard Reya describe it as a download, or maybe it was someone else. After reading Supernatural, that kind of makes more sense to....
And as the energy dissipated and i returned to normal I realised that something had changed. I had changed. Very subtle, very small changes in some ways, but in others ways HUGE!
I no longer feel as cold. My body has altered in some way. I have all my life been the one to always wear a jumper. To wrap up. Two duvets at night on my side of the bed to F's one, thin one. And the hot water bottles.... Al last year at work, I would wear a jumper and hate the fans being on. i would be switching the heaters on and others would switch it off.
This year I am sat there with bare arms. No jumper. Very seldom have I turned the heater on, others have gotten there before me. Night sees my single duvet and my lovely think warm PJs confined to the draw. F suddenly is using more things to keep warm in bed than me.... A small subtle change that some may not even notice but... it is huge....
Then there is the internal me. I have always had a melancholy depressive streak, well not always, just since I was a teen. I worked long and hard to bring problems in my head out. I learnt how to manage myself. I learnt to live with that depressive streak. I practiced filling my life with joy. I learnt how to be contented. Then the wind blew threw me the day of the eclipse and that haunting of sadness was gone.
And yes, I am more confident somehow now. The reason the wedding is suddenly going ahead now after all these years is I have the strength to do it all of a sudden, and the ability to enjoy it all.
Maybe there has been other subtle changes. I do wonder if the virus that gripped my body for all those many years, has suddenly been expelled. Whether, i will begin to slowly, ever so slowly notice other changes to.
And so I have huge omens, the day of the lunar eclipse. I feel that same energy around the eclipse, or maybe a similar energy. Too similar for me to tell the difference! And I have been feeling so very, very tired again. But I can't help but wonder what differences i will notice in myself as the eclipse energies pass.
That Winter Solstice with the eclipse was... incredible....
It left me feeling so very, very tired. I could feel an energy flowing through me, but not an energy that I could 'tap into' to get things done. It was something else. I am sure I have heard Reya describe it as a download, or maybe it was someone else. After reading Supernatural, that kind of makes more sense to....
And as the energy dissipated and i returned to normal I realised that something had changed. I had changed. Very subtle, very small changes in some ways, but in others ways HUGE!
I no longer feel as cold. My body has altered in some way. I have all my life been the one to always wear a jumper. To wrap up. Two duvets at night on my side of the bed to F's one, thin one. And the hot water bottles.... Al last year at work, I would wear a jumper and hate the fans being on. i would be switching the heaters on and others would switch it off.
This year I am sat there with bare arms. No jumper. Very seldom have I turned the heater on, others have gotten there before me. Night sees my single duvet and my lovely think warm PJs confined to the draw. F suddenly is using more things to keep warm in bed than me.... A small subtle change that some may not even notice but... it is huge....
Then there is the internal me. I have always had a melancholy depressive streak, well not always, just since I was a teen. I worked long and hard to bring problems in my head out. I learnt how to manage myself. I learnt to live with that depressive streak. I practiced filling my life with joy. I learnt how to be contented. Then the wind blew threw me the day of the eclipse and that haunting of sadness was gone.
And yes, I am more confident somehow now. The reason the wedding is suddenly going ahead now after all these years is I have the strength to do it all of a sudden, and the ability to enjoy it all.
Maybe there has been other subtle changes. I do wonder if the virus that gripped my body for all those many years, has suddenly been expelled. Whether, i will begin to slowly, ever so slowly notice other changes to.
And so I have huge omens, the day of the lunar eclipse. I feel that same energy around the eclipse, or maybe a similar energy. Too similar for me to tell the difference! And I have been feeling so very, very tired again. But I can't help but wonder what differences i will notice in myself as the eclipse energies pass.
Friday 17 June 2011
The Rabbit is Dead, Long Live the Rabbit
I have been somewhat absent this week. Enormously tired and stuck in the grip of Game of Thrones. I have been writing this post in my head for several days.....
It all began the morning of the eclipse. I drove to work and parked in my normal spot. There were two creatures waiting for me. A magpie further up the bank, not so unusual, given I feed them. But the second animal was the one that gripped me. It was nother of my totem animals, a rabbit. But this one did not run.
It sat there, nose in the grass. I couldn't be sure if it was quivering or eating. Probably quivering. I could only see one side, but they eye on that side was swollen shut. The animal had not even moved at my car drawing up no less than two metres from it. I called to a colleague and that caused it's head to lift for a moment or two.
In work I spoke to some colleagues and they went out to kill it, but it had a sudden lease of life and did an amazing sprint. My colleagues were doubtful of my fears of myxomatosis.
The next day one of those colleagues told me that two rabbits had been euthanazed by different colleagues since the previous day, including my rabbit. One of the two was in a terrible condition....
I have a lot to say on many things surrounding this.....
Firstly, killing can be merciful in my view. I am not against Euthanasia. I am firmly of the opinion that keeping people and animals alive beyond a certain point is cruel. If ever I am in that sort of state, with no hope, I hope I have the choice. I have had pets give me that look, I want to go now, make it stop, help me please. Those rabbits would have suffered and suffered if my colleagues had not been brave enough to do it, and merciful. Any rabbit who can not run like that and is unaware of what is going on around them.... Even a rabbit with a broken leg would be hard to catch!
I have killed to give mercy. A fly struck blackbird. I would do it again. I hate the idea of it. mostly because i am not confident of my physical ability to deliver a clean death. I don't want to make things worse. Now putting a needle in, with the correct dosage, that I could do, with the correct training or a book.....
And as to the person who first found Myxie in a lab.... And as to those who released it first in Australia.... and those who released it into Europe... and those who helped it spread.... Un-necessarily cruel. This is a disease that causes immense suffering before it kills. The decimation of rabbit populations led to crises for their predators to. Why don't we eat rabbits as well as cows?
Anyway enough of the gloomy bit. A blind rabbit, by my car, waiting for me.... An omen? I pulled two cards that night asking for guidance as to this omen. I got the owl and the bat. The bat is all about shamanic death and initiation. The owl is all about knowledge and arcane understanding, also deception but I struggle with that....
i then Reya's post of the day..... About the eclipse and about letting go of our identities and any obsolete ideas we have about them.
So I spent a lot of time thinking about all this, the fact that this omen was delivered by Rabbit, the fear-caller, the timing, the symbolism, the cards.... And I came to the conclusion that it means something... but I don't know exactly what... but I am tired... and happy to just wait and see what shape it takes. I am watching for it now and that is enough.
Then this morning as I pulled up, I saw a young healthy rabbit leaping over the bank into the long grass and safety beyond.
It all began the morning of the eclipse. I drove to work and parked in my normal spot. There were two creatures waiting for me. A magpie further up the bank, not so unusual, given I feed them. But the second animal was the one that gripped me. It was nother of my totem animals, a rabbit. But this one did not run.
It sat there, nose in the grass. I couldn't be sure if it was quivering or eating. Probably quivering. I could only see one side, but they eye on that side was swollen shut. The animal had not even moved at my car drawing up no less than two metres from it. I called to a colleague and that caused it's head to lift for a moment or two.
In work I spoke to some colleagues and they went out to kill it, but it had a sudden lease of life and did an amazing sprint. My colleagues were doubtful of my fears of myxomatosis.
The next day one of those colleagues told me that two rabbits had been euthanazed by different colleagues since the previous day, including my rabbit. One of the two was in a terrible condition....
I have a lot to say on many things surrounding this.....
Firstly, killing can be merciful in my view. I am not against Euthanasia. I am firmly of the opinion that keeping people and animals alive beyond a certain point is cruel. If ever I am in that sort of state, with no hope, I hope I have the choice. I have had pets give me that look, I want to go now, make it stop, help me please. Those rabbits would have suffered and suffered if my colleagues had not been brave enough to do it, and merciful. Any rabbit who can not run like that and is unaware of what is going on around them.... Even a rabbit with a broken leg would be hard to catch!
I have killed to give mercy. A fly struck blackbird. I would do it again. I hate the idea of it. mostly because i am not confident of my physical ability to deliver a clean death. I don't want to make things worse. Now putting a needle in, with the correct dosage, that I could do, with the correct training or a book.....
And as to the person who first found Myxie in a lab.... And as to those who released it first in Australia.... and those who released it into Europe... and those who helped it spread.... Un-necessarily cruel. This is a disease that causes immense suffering before it kills. The decimation of rabbit populations led to crises for their predators to. Why don't we eat rabbits as well as cows?
Anyway enough of the gloomy bit. A blind rabbit, by my car, waiting for me.... An omen? I pulled two cards that night asking for guidance as to this omen. I got the owl and the bat. The bat is all about shamanic death and initiation. The owl is all about knowledge and arcane understanding, also deception but I struggle with that....
i then Reya's post of the day..... About the eclipse and about letting go of our identities and any obsolete ideas we have about them.
So I spent a lot of time thinking about all this, the fact that this omen was delivered by Rabbit, the fear-caller, the timing, the symbolism, the cards.... And I came to the conclusion that it means something... but I don't know exactly what... but I am tired... and happy to just wait and see what shape it takes. I am watching for it now and that is enough.
Then this morning as I pulled up, I saw a young healthy rabbit leaping over the bank into the long grass and safety beyond.
Saturday 11 June 2011
Coiled
I feel I am walking a little bit of a tightrope at the moment. The chasm is the weakness of my body and my enthusiasm and joy is the rope. I know I can't do it all too quickly, my body just won't take it, I need to do it methodically and orderly, but not all at once....
F derailed my painting plans yesterday as he obviously had tidying at the top of his list. Tidying makes me think of car boot sales. But I am not going to rush around gathering things this weekend. It would be good but I have other tasks I want to accomplish this weekend. Maybe next weekend or the weekend after I can go get rid of my junk.
I am tempted to do so many different things all at once, but I have to admit now the weekend is here and I am not a work, I feel tired. This week I have done nothing each night after work, nothing at all. I have to remember I was ill very recently. I have to remember that I am fat and unfit and I need to build things up gradually and still give myself time and space to chill. Balance...
The f m-i-l rang yesterday (twice). F did not wish to answer so we got answerphone messages. He is working all weekend so I ruthlessly bullied him into calling her eventually, because I don't want her calling all weekend. Either I would end up speaking to her (which generally leaves me frustrated and annoyed) or I would ignore her calls (and her messages would get increasing frustrated and annoyed).
It feels with the wedding that she always has to have a question, something she is working on in her head, or feels I should be, something to fuss over. I wish she could just leave it alone and let me work at my own speed. This weeks fussing of choice on her message was, has Rose done the invites yet. Firstly, she has not given me the addresses of the family members. Secondly, she obviously has not received one herself. Thirdly, F has not been brave and told her that not all of the people on the delightful list she gave us, will be receiving an invite. She just winds me up...
We had the button hole incident the other week.... and OK, that has resulted in filling in a gap I had forgotten with the most beautiful creations, but all the same.... It is her manner that gets my back up...
Someone else got my back up the other day... A new member of staff in a different department... My employer has a real class divide between 'upstairs' departments and 'downstairs' departments. She is in an 'upstairs' department and I am not, so I obviously make mistakes, am thick and don't know my own job. She walks in saying she has a query and a complaint. Immediately my hackles start to rise. I look at the work she brings over and the neat hand written notes on it explaining what we have done. I explain those notes to her and she responded but why if this was here didn't you query it or stop the job. So patiently I showed her the query log and the entries that matched the work in her hand and explained that she receives this updated log every day and that by the time we receive the work, what is done is done and we have no power to change it, we just log it and pass the information on and that none of this is our fault or our problem. She admitted she had seen the log and didn't understand it but offered no apology before leaving on her cross little way....
I am tired.... I want to go do stuff but my creative room is still in turmoil with all the junk from the bedroom we are re-styling (well a lot less junk now, but spread out everywhere...) and all the glass I have been buying. I am going to do some stuff and see how my energy flows pick up...
Hopefully the post will come soon with my new pens so I can go out food shopping.....
F derailed my painting plans yesterday as he obviously had tidying at the top of his list. Tidying makes me think of car boot sales. But I am not going to rush around gathering things this weekend. It would be good but I have other tasks I want to accomplish this weekend. Maybe next weekend or the weekend after I can go get rid of my junk.
I am tempted to do so many different things all at once, but I have to admit now the weekend is here and I am not a work, I feel tired. This week I have done nothing each night after work, nothing at all. I have to remember I was ill very recently. I have to remember that I am fat and unfit and I need to build things up gradually and still give myself time and space to chill. Balance...
The f m-i-l rang yesterday (twice). F did not wish to answer so we got answerphone messages. He is working all weekend so I ruthlessly bullied him into calling her eventually, because I don't want her calling all weekend. Either I would end up speaking to her (which generally leaves me frustrated and annoyed) or I would ignore her calls (and her messages would get increasing frustrated and annoyed).
It feels with the wedding that she always has to have a question, something she is working on in her head, or feels I should be, something to fuss over. I wish she could just leave it alone and let me work at my own speed. This weeks fussing of choice on her message was, has Rose done the invites yet. Firstly, she has not given me the addresses of the family members. Secondly, she obviously has not received one herself. Thirdly, F has not been brave and told her that not all of the people on the delightful list she gave us, will be receiving an invite. She just winds me up...
We had the button hole incident the other week.... and OK, that has resulted in filling in a gap I had forgotten with the most beautiful creations, but all the same.... It is her manner that gets my back up...
Someone else got my back up the other day... A new member of staff in a different department... My employer has a real class divide between 'upstairs' departments and 'downstairs' departments. She is in an 'upstairs' department and I am not, so I obviously make mistakes, am thick and don't know my own job. She walks in saying she has a query and a complaint. Immediately my hackles start to rise. I look at the work she brings over and the neat hand written notes on it explaining what we have done. I explain those notes to her and she responded but why if this was here didn't you query it or stop the job. So patiently I showed her the query log and the entries that matched the work in her hand and explained that she receives this updated log every day and that by the time we receive the work, what is done is done and we have no power to change it, we just log it and pass the information on and that none of this is our fault or our problem. She admitted she had seen the log and didn't understand it but offered no apology before leaving on her cross little way....
I am tired.... I want to go do stuff but my creative room is still in turmoil with all the junk from the bedroom we are re-styling (well a lot less junk now, but spread out everywhere...) and all the glass I have been buying. I am going to do some stuff and see how my energy flows pick up...
Hopefully the post will come soon with my new pens so I can go out food shopping.....
Friday 10 June 2011
I Do
I have time off. Two days either side of a weekend. I have a looong list of things to do. I want to bring some order to my humble house. I want to do my invites - play with paint, smooshed on between the lines of a stencil. I want to make multi-coloured magpies, imbued with their own magpie wings. I want to finish my irritating pallet bed - before I start to scream at those pallets sat everywhere. I am considering the idea of a car boot, but wondering if I can get that far along with stuff in time.... I want to carry on reading the highly addictive and time consuming Game of Thrones...
Presents keep arriving in the mail for me and I love them all. Some have not gone quite to plan... The lovely bouquet I ordered is not really quite the right colour and I am hoping it will be alright with my bridesmaids dress. The buttonhole for F is wonderful and has no lilac... They are both sooo beautiful!
I had new clothes, new books and then new pens as well. I bought a set of Sakura 3D Glaze pens. My aim was to use the beautiful embossed effect on my wedding stationery. Except that what the website I was using did not make clear is that these pens only give the embossed on smooth surfaces. I had a hard job choosing the paper for the inners of my invites and Orders of Service and wedding details. I was looking at a vellum and a beautiful white parchment. I went with the parchment and this is not smooth.... That arrived this week with my beautiful silver shimmer card....
My pens are beautiful and I love them... but.... So I ordered some more. This time the metaalics set and an extra blackmetallic pen because it is not in the set... and a white souffle to complement my Glaze set. And a basic gelly roll pen or two in black and white. And maybe a set of Aquash pens to... *giggle* I love art supplies. I covet Sakura pens..... My wedding is one big art fest and this is a poorly designed excuse to gather new pens to me! (ones I might not normally be able to justify buying....)
21 Secrets has been extended which is great for me, because things seem soooo busy right now and I want to do everything in it.... I have played with the content of about six of the courses, although I have not posted all of them.... I htink I have posted two. I have a almost completed post, waiting for a photo so I can praise the lovely Natasha... I need to get my written stuff so i can talk about Three Little Words. I played with Urban Layer Cake and can see how it would work but I am not prepared to buy the paste I need to make it work properly.... I also need to carry on with Child's Play....
I have a problem with creativity right now though - my table is covered in wool and glass. Mostly glass. I need to find somewhere else to put my purchases. Maybe a box would be a good plan!
I also got my sketchbook through but I don't see much happening with that until the wedding is fully under control.
You know I have to say, blogging changed my life. Writing helps me understand what is going on with me. i gave me courage to do the things I love. My life is all about growing these days and learning and I have so much to be enthusiastic about, to look forward to. Four days off in a row with no work is not long enough! The faint depression that has dogged a large part of my life, sometimes growing like a huge cloud to envelope me, has evaporated, blown away by hte winds of doing....
What are you going to do today?
Presents keep arriving in the mail for me and I love them all. Some have not gone quite to plan... The lovely bouquet I ordered is not really quite the right colour and I am hoping it will be alright with my bridesmaids dress. The buttonhole for F is wonderful and has no lilac... They are both sooo beautiful!
I had new clothes, new books and then new pens as well. I bought a set of Sakura 3D Glaze pens. My aim was to use the beautiful embossed effect on my wedding stationery. Except that what the website I was using did not make clear is that these pens only give the embossed on smooth surfaces. I had a hard job choosing the paper for the inners of my invites and Orders of Service and wedding details. I was looking at a vellum and a beautiful white parchment. I went with the parchment and this is not smooth.... That arrived this week with my beautiful silver shimmer card....
My pens are beautiful and I love them... but.... So I ordered some more. This time the metaalics set and an extra blackmetallic pen because it is not in the set... and a white souffle to complement my Glaze set. And a basic gelly roll pen or two in black and white. And maybe a set of Aquash pens to... *giggle* I love art supplies. I covet Sakura pens..... My wedding is one big art fest and this is a poorly designed excuse to gather new pens to me! (ones I might not normally be able to justify buying....)
21 Secrets has been extended which is great for me, because things seem soooo busy right now and I want to do everything in it.... I have played with the content of about six of the courses, although I have not posted all of them.... I htink I have posted two. I have a almost completed post, waiting for a photo so I can praise the lovely Natasha... I need to get my written stuff so i can talk about Three Little Words. I played with Urban Layer Cake and can see how it would work but I am not prepared to buy the paste I need to make it work properly.... I also need to carry on with Child's Play....
I have a problem with creativity right now though - my table is covered in wool and glass. Mostly glass. I need to find somewhere else to put my purchases. Maybe a box would be a good plan!
I also got my sketchbook through but I don't see much happening with that until the wedding is fully under control.
You know I have to say, blogging changed my life. Writing helps me understand what is going on with me. i gave me courage to do the things I love. My life is all about growing these days and learning and I have so much to be enthusiastic about, to look forward to. Four days off in a row with no work is not long enough! The faint depression that has dogged a large part of my life, sometimes growing like a huge cloud to envelope me, has evaporated, blown away by hte winds of doing....
What are you going to do today?
Wednesday 8 June 2011
Frenemies
What do you when one person within a group you belong to is making that experience distinctly unpleasant for you? When something that is supposed to be fun, becomes so difficult? Do you give in and walk away, losing the good and the bad? Do you quietly stay and put up with it? Do you make a stand and force people to make a choice, you or them?
It is particularly hard when that person is someone you used to be close to. He was to be Van's best man, if we had married a couple of years back. He is someone I have known for 5 - 6 years.
He is, on the surface a lovely, jovial person, with a great sense of humour. One of the best of people. Underneath however is someone who can not move on from a disagreement. Whose perfect memory never lets the past be, but who can not see that his memories are always coloured by how he perceived them at the time, how he felt then. He can never be truly objective, but can not see that....
The result is that, difficulties and disagreements from our entire friendship have slowly piled up, like someone saving a pound a week in a bank account for all that time. He can't get past all that and doesn't wish to.
An ex-friend is worse than some one you don't really know. With an ex-friend you both know too much. I know the hurtful things he has said about other people, who we are all still friends with. I know the role he has played in other peoples disagreements. I know the secrets he has repeated.
And slowly all the anger he holds in his heart has won through his lovely personality. The fierce discussions / rows became more frequent. They resulted in me choosing to stay away for periods of time. Then it became obvious to me that there was no going back within our friendship. I then had the choice.
I chose to quietly leave, but only because it suited me to. The group had become stagnant and I could remain friends with those I wished to anyway. The group was not so very important to me, I could not walk away. I don't like unpleasantness.
F though, chose a different path. The group was much more a central part of his life. He has fought to stay so hard. Avoiding confrontations but slowly the weight of the ex-friends machinations is making it harder and harder for him to quietly stay. He has chosen to take a break, to help with the wedding and the house and let things cool off.
But we both know, that when he returns he has a battle to fight and win or lose, chances are he will end up leaving the group. And it makes us both so sad, that it has come to this.
But what do you do?
But then again, the group is not what it used to be, the ex-friend has risen in prominence and taken his little clique with him. I think their role in the group has made it a much less pleasant place for people to be. The number of people remaining in the group is not so very many.
I look forward to the day when F walks away and the ex-friend is no longer something I have to hear about. I chose to have nothing to do with him sometime ago. F has found this much harder.
It is particularly hard when that person is someone you used to be close to. He was to be Van's best man, if we had married a couple of years back. He is someone I have known for 5 - 6 years.
He is, on the surface a lovely, jovial person, with a great sense of humour. One of the best of people. Underneath however is someone who can not move on from a disagreement. Whose perfect memory never lets the past be, but who can not see that his memories are always coloured by how he perceived them at the time, how he felt then. He can never be truly objective, but can not see that....
The result is that, difficulties and disagreements from our entire friendship have slowly piled up, like someone saving a pound a week in a bank account for all that time. He can't get past all that and doesn't wish to.
An ex-friend is worse than some one you don't really know. With an ex-friend you both know too much. I know the hurtful things he has said about other people, who we are all still friends with. I know the role he has played in other peoples disagreements. I know the secrets he has repeated.
And slowly all the anger he holds in his heart has won through his lovely personality. The fierce discussions / rows became more frequent. They resulted in me choosing to stay away for periods of time. Then it became obvious to me that there was no going back within our friendship. I then had the choice.
I chose to quietly leave, but only because it suited me to. The group had become stagnant and I could remain friends with those I wished to anyway. The group was not so very important to me, I could not walk away. I don't like unpleasantness.
F though, chose a different path. The group was much more a central part of his life. He has fought to stay so hard. Avoiding confrontations but slowly the weight of the ex-friends machinations is making it harder and harder for him to quietly stay. He has chosen to take a break, to help with the wedding and the house and let things cool off.
But we both know, that when he returns he has a battle to fight and win or lose, chances are he will end up leaving the group. And it makes us both so sad, that it has come to this.
But what do you do?
But then again, the group is not what it used to be, the ex-friend has risen in prominence and taken his little clique with him. I think their role in the group has made it a much less pleasant place for people to be. The number of people remaining in the group is not so very many.
I look forward to the day when F walks away and the ex-friend is no longer something I have to hear about. I chose to have nothing to do with him sometime ago. F has found this much harder.
Sunday 5 June 2011
Happy Shopper
The beginning of the month and an influx of cash means a temporary surge of wedding activity. Yesterday morning saw a flurry of internet purchasing.
Paper for the invites, Shimmer Silver for the card outer-y bits and a thick, rich white paper for the inner-y bits. The shimmer is so soft with a slight line detail to the paper. Just beautiful. I am so glad I ordered the sample pack of papers before I bought though. My Dad has some classy envelopes left over from his printery days he is going to send up and they are plain white and will match the inners....
Hobbycraft for Sakura 3D Glaze pens. I bought a pack (because I lust after finally owning some Sakura pens) and an extra single black one because I will need more than one black one on the day. I also bought a wool needle (for attaching beaks to magic fairy wool birds) and some white textile pencils for a 21 Secrets class.
Then onto a cake supplies store. red and purple cup cake cases. red and purple sprinkles. heart fondant cutters.... I need to get a bottle of rose syrup and send these off to my sis. She is making cupcakes for me. The f m-i-l is in charge of the fruit cake (a much more traditional affair).
I also got a look at the lovely buttonhole that Indigo Daisy has made for F.... Lovely.... *grin*
Having done all this, it was time for F and I to venture out for breakfast.
Then we hit the town.
F had been recommended a little place in town to get our rings done. The shop was nothing fancy. We sat and listened to the owner talking to a customer about some work he had just completed on a piece for her. And it was obvious that this was a man who knew his stuff and had a passion for it and really enjoyed it and wasn't in it to make money (if he was, he would have chosen a different town!). In the time we were there, he had a constant stream of people, another telling sign... So very happy with him. The engraver he uses is well beyond retirement age and does it all by hand..... *sigh* love it
Then off into Truro. We continued to meet more lovely people.... The lady in the ladies outfitters who helped me grapple with 'proper' bras as directed by my dress designer.... *giggle* How do people wear them? I ended up with a compromise.... A mammoth non-underwired piece of scaffolding called a Doreen *laughs a lot* no glamorous undies for me...
We looked at tie pins and cufflinks. We looked at beautiful bracelets. We picked up holiday brochres so we could dream of next years honeymoon.... Not a touring holiday now, but a lounging on the beach and swimming and just being together sort of a holiday... More honeymoony....
An then into my favourite art shops to matc acrylics to my piece of sample material... Alizarin crimson, burgundy and burnt Sienna *sigh* oh and two Khadi paper sketch books - one big for photos and the other smaller for a comments book. I need to think about how to organise them.... Do I need to cover them? Do I try and hide the spiral binding?
Tired we came home happy and watched Britains Got Talent and cheered the lovely Jai....
Paper for the invites, Shimmer Silver for the card outer-y bits and a thick, rich white paper for the inner-y bits. The shimmer is so soft with a slight line detail to the paper. Just beautiful. I am so glad I ordered the sample pack of papers before I bought though. My Dad has some classy envelopes left over from his printery days he is going to send up and they are plain white and will match the inners....
Hobbycraft for Sakura 3D Glaze pens. I bought a pack (because I lust after finally owning some Sakura pens) and an extra single black one because I will need more than one black one on the day. I also bought a wool needle (for attaching beaks to magic fairy wool birds) and some white textile pencils for a 21 Secrets class.
Then onto a cake supplies store. red and purple cup cake cases. red and purple sprinkles. heart fondant cutters.... I need to get a bottle of rose syrup and send these off to my sis. She is making cupcakes for me. The f m-i-l is in charge of the fruit cake (a much more traditional affair).
I also got a look at the lovely buttonhole that Indigo Daisy has made for F.... Lovely.... *grin*
Having done all this, it was time for F and I to venture out for breakfast.
Then we hit the town.
F had been recommended a little place in town to get our rings done. The shop was nothing fancy. We sat and listened to the owner talking to a customer about some work he had just completed on a piece for her. And it was obvious that this was a man who knew his stuff and had a passion for it and really enjoyed it and wasn't in it to make money (if he was, he would have chosen a different town!). In the time we were there, he had a constant stream of people, another telling sign... So very happy with him. The engraver he uses is well beyond retirement age and does it all by hand..... *sigh* love it
Then off into Truro. We continued to meet more lovely people.... The lady in the ladies outfitters who helped me grapple with 'proper' bras as directed by my dress designer.... *giggle* How do people wear them? I ended up with a compromise.... A mammoth non-underwired piece of scaffolding called a Doreen *laughs a lot* no glamorous undies for me...
We looked at tie pins and cufflinks. We looked at beautiful bracelets. We picked up holiday brochres so we could dream of next years honeymoon.... Not a touring holiday now, but a lounging on the beach and swimming and just being together sort of a holiday... More honeymoony....
An then into my favourite art shops to matc acrylics to my piece of sample material... Alizarin crimson, burgundy and burnt Sienna *sigh* oh and two Khadi paper sketch books - one big for photos and the other smaller for a comments book. I need to think about how to organise them.... Do I need to cover them? Do I try and hide the spiral binding?
Tired we came home happy and watched Britains Got Talent and cheered the lovely Jai....
Wednesday 1 June 2011
Doctor, Doctor...
Well it isn't shingles.
I went to see my own doctor, who may not have the most easy going of bedside manners, but he has that aura of knowledge instead. He studied my skin under magnification and declared that he could see why you might think it was shingles, but it isn't. And he has no idea what it is, just one of those mysteries that don't get solved. Maybe a virus.
It is easy to think that all Doctors are the same. They have the same training. The same skills. The same specialities. The same interests. but they don't. The three doctors at my surgery have very different collections of letters after their names as displayed on their website. I have no idea what they all mean... They also went to different Universities. Every University has things it is good at and not so good at. Then each of those Doctors had things that grabbed their interest, that they continue to read about avidly...
I like that my Doctor is confident enough in his abilities to not make up answers. I like that he accepts there are mysteries. I like that when I had an infected cyst, he was able to whip me to another room with a nurse, give me a local and take the thing out and stitch it up.
So here I am still feeling icky, with my rash now a series of discoloured blobs that don't look so angry... But today I woke up at a more normal time and I don't want to go straight back to sleep. With any luck i won't feel I have to spend half the day asleep again.
I would love to know what is going on with my body, but I guess I never will....
I went to see my own doctor, who may not have the most easy going of bedside manners, but he has that aura of knowledge instead. He studied my skin under magnification and declared that he could see why you might think it was shingles, but it isn't. And he has no idea what it is, just one of those mysteries that don't get solved. Maybe a virus.
It is easy to think that all Doctors are the same. They have the same training. The same skills. The same specialities. The same interests. but they don't. The three doctors at my surgery have very different collections of letters after their names as displayed on their website. I have no idea what they all mean... They also went to different Universities. Every University has things it is good at and not so good at. Then each of those Doctors had things that grabbed their interest, that they continue to read about avidly...
I like that my Doctor is confident enough in his abilities to not make up answers. I like that he accepts there are mysteries. I like that when I had an infected cyst, he was able to whip me to another room with a nurse, give me a local and take the thing out and stitch it up.
So here I am still feeling icky, with my rash now a series of discoloured blobs that don't look so angry... But today I woke up at a more normal time and I don't want to go straight back to sleep. With any luck i won't feel I have to spend half the day asleep again.
I would love to know what is going on with my body, but I guess I never will....
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