Castle Connections

There is a hill near here. A big long ridge with three high points with the St Michael leyline running all along it. One high point has been topped with a memorial and another with a folly castle that is now a restaurant. F asked me to marry him on a cold, claer, bright winters morning sat on a granite stack near the monument and we celebrated our wedding years later in that castle.

Ever since I first came here that hill top has fascinated me. I found an obscure track along it's side to a vantage point on it's side my first week down here, house hunting. When I moved here, I was taken my the more normal road to it's top within days. I sat in lectures gazing out at it. It watches me as I live and work.

My Dad told me at my wedding that he thought he had been there before but not inside. I promptly forgot this!

So I was very suprised when looking at old family photos belonging to my Grandmother, to see a familiar building... In fact I found two photos.

This first photo shows my Father with my Grandmother and Grandfather sat in front of the castle on some of the granite stacks. This photo is probably around fifty years old. And so, despite the two photos not looking at all the same, I left it at that. (oh how silly - and prehaps a little ego in there? *laugh*)

This second photo is clearly older and the men on the castle walls are wearing bowler hats. It also says on the back Dad at ****, in my Grandmother's writing. It was nagging at my Dad and he came back to it and figure it out.... This photo is of my Great Grandfather, also at the castle! He died in 1914 so this photo is at least 100 years old and shows I have some sort of connection this palce going back through four generations over a hundred years, even though there is no obvious reason why my non-Cornish family should have been drawn here....

Now since my wedding people have delighted in telling me things about the place... One friend told me they had heard the owner had been given large amounts of money by people from a now defunct base so they could hold completely private parties there overnight. My conspiracy friend has delighted in telling me that the St Mary line and St Michael line spiral around each other across the land and that the St Michael line is polluted and bad and favoured by Satanists. I do not agree, the line is not bad, it may have been put to selfish uses, but that is human, not the line itself...

However....

One night as I was on my way home I was casting out thoughts that I wanted to learn things, to know. A Voice answered and said 'we can show you everything'. Of course I was interested! I told me to go to ****. So later that evening, Little Dog and i went there. It was pitch dark as it was the New Moon. I made it to the top and sat on granite admiring the view.

Nothing happened. Well, not till I closed my eyes anyway... At once there was a circle of shadowy figures around me. And having seen them, I knew who these entities were who offered me knowledge, and power too. They were of Crowley's ilk. Crowley was intimately connected with Cornwall and while he may not have been one of these spirits, they were of his line. Not the sort I wish to have anything to do with. Not my path. not anything I wish to have in my life. So I politely declined and walked away.

And since then my path and learning has done nothing but speed up, but it a gentler, kinder direction, one full of heart and soul, that seeks to work with spirit, for it. Not to understand it and control it. But it does all make me wonder at the exact nature of my families connection with this place.... Why have we all been drawn here? and how strange that four generations of my family have all loved this place, hundreds of miles from where we lived....

For my part it is all about love and a connection to the land and to my ancestors. What drew them there I shall never know.

My soul dislikes.....

I wasn't going to air any petty greivances from my wedding, but well, there was only two, my Mum not being very nice to a member of the reception venue and having a piece of glass I liked thrown out because she thought it looked like a jam jar.... That all got sorted and I got it back and my Mum has since upped her diabetes medication. It was all too much for her by the end of the day...

But well, the other one, I have a reason for wanting to drag this one out as you shall see, if you stick with what will enevitably be a fairly long post....

I have an Aunt, sort of. She was married to my Uncle but they divorced before I was old enough to remember them being together. She somehow became a regular part of my family anyway. There was always christmas and birthday presents, even though she was always poor. She had strong ideals of who she would and would not work for and couldn't drive so work options were always limited and we have such a good benefits system in this country....

She would often come to stay and was a good friend to me, once I was an adult, we disliked each other when I was a kid. My Dad always disliked her, called her a scrounger. Anyway, she was good to me. She was there when I had missed periods. She took me away house sitting for friends when she knew I was too poor for a holiday (but she did get free transport out of that). She was there for moral support when I needed someone who understood my family to talk to to.

The last few years though I have drifted away. I had started to feel a little narked if she was staying at my parents house for the entire duration of a visit of mine with them. She probably sees them way more than I do, as she lives so much closer.

She has siblings, who have families of their own. She has increasingly found herself on the outside oh her family. I think families are like onions with their layes and they may have more than one heart in there all wrapped up together. Families grow from the middle. So my onion once had my parents, my sis and me at it's heart, but I got F and S and she got her little darlings and now there are two new hearts within the centre of my family onion. Eventually our offspring will find that our onions are entirely separate.... She calls my family, her other family.

So with the wedding. I knew she would not be able to afford somewhere to stay so I said she could stay here, even though I knew it would be a squeeze and she probably would not get a bed.... Even though she can't stand dogs and her dislike and pushing away and fussing about them is a little trying. She then said that she would come down with my parents, I suggested this might not be a very viable idea as Dad finds the drive particularly tiring these days and they would have a pretty full car. I knew very well that Dad would not want to spend that long trapped in a car with her... So she suggested she might come down with my Sis to which I pointed out that there was more of them and they were staying self-catered so there definitely would be no room. I also pointed out that as all of them would be staying at mine that first night, there really would be no room at all....

She agreed to come down two days before the wedding by train.

But then she wanted to stay until three days after the wedding, I was horrifed and so was F. She went quiet on the phone when I said it would not be a good idea as we would be very tired and everyone else was leaving the day before.... I looked to F for help and he pointed out his job start... My Aunt backed down and agreed on two days after the wedding. But I was more than a little irritated, it isn't our duty to get her to and from and provide her with bed and board, not really, and it was all a little too pushy.... I wanted time with my parents without a ghost tagging along. It is the first time I have seen them in a year.

So she came down, realised that reports on the state of my house were not exaggerated. Decided the sofa looked uncomfortable, the damp was too much, who knows.... She had S's room that night but I refused to turf him out for her, he has had quite a summer and this is the only place he has had room tohimself, I was not about to take it away. She announced before bed that night that she would see if she could stay in a hotel in town for the rest of the stay. Which she did. I was very, very annoyed. Firstly it felt like an insult of my hospitality. Secondly, if she could afford to do so, why had she been so pushy about staying here in the first place? Couldn't she see that as the epicentre of my big day, there was only going to be chaos here - particularly with only one bathroom!

She still came over for every waking moment and all her meals. She was just there, a person to tuck in the car. A person to feed. She would offer to pay for herself, knowing that when one person is paying for a meal say, that for one person to have to pay for themselves is not really done. Every one else would take it in turns to pay or get a round of drinks.... The offer of paying was enough as far as she was concerned...

We said good bye the night before she was due to go and I did not expect to see her the following morning before her train. But there she appeared. Me in my PJs sorting bits of glass having just found out how my Mum's diabetes can affect her mood and very unhappy.... My parents packing their car.... Maybe she expected us to find the time to take her to the station and go to the hotel to pick up her luggage (a short walk from the station). She soon realised that my parents car was too full and we were too not dressed and up.... I don't know if she even realised she had walked in to a tricky situation.... Not sure she cared either.

So I am still cross... And for the first time I can very much see my Dad's point of view on this. I expect my distance with her will continue.

So why have I decided that I have to air all this now? I had a dream last night. I was back in my old school....

So I was in the building, near the school hall and there was a load of us young vital ladies there. I was talking with one who had decided to dye her hair red and green. As we were talking a shadow fell and we realised a bad man was after her, maybe her Dad, maybe not, I have no idea. I decided to help her hide as I knew the building.

We set off at a run and instead of going upstairs by the big, grand public staircase, we took the closer, servants staircase, hidden behind a door. It bought us some time. We rushed through the dorms to get to the one I wanted. One with a secret room. It was used as a dorm as well in my time but it had previously been a priest's hole to hide a priest during the reformation. Although it had reverted back to it's old form, I struggled to find the door and when I did, I only found it by it's keyhole. And it was locked.

My dream jumped forward and I was talking to my Mum. She was excited to tell me some things she had found out. Firstly, all the girls that had vanished had had five year old children. Secondly, the last person to stay in that room had been my Aunt and she had been the one who locked it.

I had this one worked out before I even got out of bed. When I was a kid, my Aunt came to stay and there was not enough room, so I had to go and share with my Sister while my Aunt slept in my bedroom. One morning she woke to find me stood at the end of her bed and I said, when are you going home. She found this hilarious, she stilldoes. She put this down as her interesting fact for the wedding to share with all the guests.... That irritated me very much.

I was quite probably five when this happened. I think the dream has to do with this story and I think it is also to do with the loss of pieces of soul. I reckon you can join the dots from here. Maybe my regaining of that piece of soul is why my relationship with her has changed back to that of my childhood one.... The piece of soul I lost was one that meant I didn't like her too much. Maybe these events were involved with my loss of this soul piece. I think so. I lost many pieces of my soul growing up but I have been working hard to welcome them back and many of them have come back I feel.....

Another knot untugged a little to see what is within

After the Storm

So here I am. I am not in a place where I can describe my wedding. I am in that time after an event that you worked hard on, that you looked forward to, that was so enjoyable, so very tiring, that you put hear5t and soul into, where you are too drained to really comment on all the greatness.

I am, for the moment, worn out. Today has been a day of departing family and tiredness. I know this is a natural reaction though, and I am not fighting it, I am going with it. I have too much to look forward to to stay like this. In a couple of days time my hard drive is going to fill up with lovely pictures. That will do the trick and will be the right time to start reliving it. Not now.

I also have so many things still to do, to preserve the event and keep all those lovely keepsakes safe. And then I have the thank yous to do. More paint and stencils.

But also I have discovered that weddings have a bittersweet / dark side. Some of the oldsters will never meet again as a group like this. One will never travel so far again. The other could go any time, indeed they thought their time had come last week. Seeing them together and knowing this, knowing that they know too.... And others, realising suddenly, how old they are getting and how ill health is beginning to impact on the people I love as they grow older too. Weddings are a time, when you may not even realise it, but the baton of adulthood is passed on and the crone comes to visit and welcome some new members to her domain. I can no longer consider myself a Maiden, I have definitely moved into the realm of the Mother.

So yes, I shall not write of the joys of my wedding yet, I am not in the right place. But I shall. And do not worry, I am not sad, all is good and wonderful!

The Fire

So far I am taking the heat but the fire is roaring away mightily before it burns itself out in a couple of days time!

I have a little respite this evening. My family want to drag me off to the beach to have chips and chill but I sent them all off so I could carry on beavering away. This gives me the added bonus of a few minutes to blog! Yay! Writing is something I find I have to do these days, it builds up until i put those little letters on the screen.

So no teenagers with their constant questions and self-focused chatter, no Aunts who don't like dogs getting frustrated at Little Dog, no nobody. And it is bliss! With just F and I living together and odd days here and there when laidback S comes to stay, I am not used to all this. Getting things done with others there can be tricky.

So I just have a tiny amount of paper to chop and trim, the readings to fix on their cards and to put borders on the cards, a wishtree to make and glass and candles to clean and assign to window ledges and I am done. Apart from the visits to places and dropping off of things of course.... oh and the bouquet! No idea what to do with that! oh well!

I am moving too fast, I shall surely need to sleep for several days after the wedding..... All good though! May be a few days yet before I get back here!

To good friends only (which means all the readers of this blog I actually know about), I shall email photos to eventually and give you all the low down details. My hen night was amazing! Anyway! Wish me luck!

Meet the Ancestors

I thought I ought to post all the ancestral wedding photos, just in the sake of fairness! There is quite a gap in time between some of the photos....

If / when Fand I are lucky enough to have kids, these will be their ancestors

F and I have a very good relationship but sometimes things simmer under the surface, refusing to go away, for a while at least. We have different styles of doing things and sometimes this causes conflict.

I appear lacksidaiscal sometimes, with things appearing at the lastish moment, fully completed, but chances are I have put a lot of thought in to them and given myself exactly enough time. Doing my degree, I never missed an assignment and I never worked past ten at night, not even before an exam.

F does not like to think about things, he likes to do them, nut only if they interest him. If they don't interest him, he will ignore them and leave them until the very last moment, sometimes beyond the last moment. In my opinion he often leaves himself too little time. He is often late... He often had to pop home to pick things up when he was on a series of shifts. This does not stress him out. It stresses me out a lot.

So we made a deal, i would organise the wedding and he would make our house habitable.

I set to thinking and doing. Often gluing or painting of an evening after work if I could face it. Giving myself a little time off to read etc, but not much. My Games of Thrones reading has dribbled to a halt. My personal art is zilch right now.

F set to playing computer games as normal. Sometimes he would do a few things to keep me happy. The task was too big for him to be able to split it down into bite size chunks, and it was boring and there were lots of very good reasons why things could not be done and when they were going to be done. Many of the tasks have been underestimated. Un-necessary tasks have been done (like painting the hall, very nice added bonus but somewhere for my parents to sleep is a higher priority). Some tasks were done badly and then had to be redone (the coat rack put up with short screws, no rawl plugs and lots of glue....).

So here we are with less than a week till my family descend and F is now working like a trooper to get it all done. I am too exhausted to help having just pulled a 12 day stretch of work, 99 hours in total and having a hen night tonight and having my own wedding related things to do. And yet, I still feel guilty.... Even though I did everything I could to persuade him to start earlier. I tried every tactic I could think of, nagging, leaving him alone, writing lists, crying..... I will do some stuff to help, I have to and a part of me resents that, that I have had to help because he could not get his act into gear.... He has had a couple of days of my time already plus help for many two person jobs. I just want it all done now, I want to be at the wedding. I want everything to turn out right. I am stressed but not about my side of the deal, he knows that he is the one who has made me stressed and he feels bad.... He has promised never to leave things like this again.

There is a fine line between having faith in someone and being honest and knowing them. He will do this again, he will push it but hopefully next time he will listen to me sooner maybe... But then I don't love him for his organisational abilities, I love him for the way he is with people, the way he is with me. He is a trier, so utterly genuine and so charming and cheeky. He adores me and I adore him and it is not very often our differences make me stressed.

We will be fine.... He may be exhausted by next weekend, but we will be fine.... And the wedding will be beautiful and not many people will see the house..... Hopefully...

Help!

I am starting to get very unhappy. I feel like I am haemorhaging money. That I have no time and too much to do. All of sudden, the whole process which I had been enjoying is just TOO MUCH.

I think those people who are resisting and delaying giving me the details I require are just not really helping at all.... It means there are jobs I just can not finish. Jobs that are so close to completion can not get ticked off. Having to work this weekend, and long hours at that, just is not helping my feelings.....

I also suspect that stress is delaying my moontime and I also suspect that my delayed moontime is not helping my stress.....

I should probably go and have a bath and give myself the rest of the evening off, but I can't quite do it..... I am sure I would achieve more if I did.

Maybe writing a list of everything left to do was a bad idea.... maybe I should colour things that are being done at particular times so the list is not quite so scary.....

Maybe, maybe, maybe

I am sure this feeling will pass - I just need to get to that point now.... I really do.

Gran

My Gran was a difficult lady. A widow for many years. Mother of one son. She was old fashioned. Strong willed. She reinvented events within her mind - ran over them and over them, little changes crept in and by the next day she would be convinced they had happened as she had decided and nothing could convince her other wise. nothing.

Class was more important in her day. My Dad took on the family business and married a nurse. But my Mum was never, ever good enough for Gran. Gran would snipe at Mum, despite all that Mum did for her, shopping and general running around.... Dad was not much help in this, he is definitely a man who is happy to leave the emotional stuff to others and going against his Mum was never easy. I think that lake of support did affect my parents relationship, I think it did lessen my Mum's respect for my Dad just a little.

My Mum found little tactics to get her own back. For instance the barbed comments she would pretend not to have noticed and then watch my Gran getting more and more frustrated.

It was me however that caused the huge family row. In my younger days I was a bit of a warrior for truth and justice. I stuck my nose out a few times as a teen and learnt that it is not always a good idea!

My Gran insisted on going to the supermarket for her shop. Her walking was getting bad as her double hip replacement declined. She had the old fashioned style of scrimping - all the prices had to be considered, so just buying a pack of porridge oats could take minutes. And she had a whole list of items.

Mum would send us girls off to help Gran while she did our shopping. On this day, Mum had long finished and was getting royally fed up. So she came and joined us and chivvied Gran along and with a slight lack of diplomacy, got the shop finished in just a few minutes.

The next day I was at my Grans with my Dad and my Gran, very unwisely she decided to complain about my Mum and the shopping trip. I couldn't keep my mouth shut and replied that that was not how things had happened exactly and that we had been in the shop for nearly two hours.

Kids will generally side with their Mums, because their Mums are the ones they spend the most time with, the ones most dedicated to them. What was my Gran thinking? It rumbled on for some time but in the aftermath, changes came about - Gran agreed to go to the little supermarket instead.

It became a kind of thing in my family, not said too loudly infront of my Dad, or really in front of my sister.... The Grandma blood.... My Dad has a lot of it - he can be grumpy and quick tempered for sure. My Sister got more of it than me, but I have my share too. What I did get from somewhere though that my Sister got a little less of was introspection. The quick temper I ruthlessly over-controlled in my teens and now, well anger comes out in other ways.... There is a tendancy to depression I think as well that runs with all this, and the more introspective, the more depressive.... At least until things start to come together as I think they are for me....

Needless to say, once the scales were off my eyes about my Grans treatment of my beloved Mum, nothing was ever the same between us. I stayed away a lot. I went home one time, she was in a nursing home by this point and as far as I was concerned she would live their for years. I wouldn't have gone to see her but Mum made me.

It was the last time I saw her.

She was so pleased to see me, so very, very proud.

At her funeral, the church was full. She was never the same with friends as she was with family. The vicar urged us to find a happy memory of us with this person. I couldn't think of one. I sat there and despaired.

So what has brought all this out?

Well, the wedding.

I decided to do a little wedding family tree - A photo of my parents at their wedding, one of Jay's aprents at theirs, and then one of the four sets of Grandparents at theirs to. This quiet opening of the doors to the ancestors. Acceptance. It can be a very powerful thing.

On my 18th, I was given my Gran's watch - her second best watch as my sister was older and got the best one. It was a lovely long sort of oval in an art deco style. It had been given to my Gran by her Mother on her 21st birthday. My parents had taken it to the jewellers to get a new strap as the old one had decayed but the new strap was a poor replacement. The style of the fittings and their size made it hard to get a decent strap.

I had been thinking about the something old for the wedding and remembered the watch. It felt right but when I tried it on the bracelet style strap that had always been tight would not even go over my hand. The jeweller doing our rings, makes things and is helpful, so I took him in the watch. He started talking about ostrich leather straps matching the watch and it's time etc.

not hearing anything from in a while, I spoke to him to see how he was getting on. He was having the same problem with fittings for the staps - the watch has bars rather than pins, so the strap has to be fastened around the bars as they do not come off. I could hear his frustration and his reluctance to tell me, but it seems he had a strap that would match the watch and fit. It was scrap metal and would be somewhat expensive....

I rang my Dad and he said go for it if it means you can wear it. So off I went to have a look and it was obvious straight away. Years at that shop, doing what he does and he had never, ever had a strap of this style sold to him before. It fit the watches fittings perfectly. It was long enough to fit my wrist beautifully. It matched the watch perfectly, same era, same style. It makes it look a million dollars.....

It bought a tear to my eye. And as I realised how unlikely it was that this strap would arrive at the same place as my watch, I realised I was meant to have it and my spine tingled. My ancestors are walking with me and stand by me as I go forth into married life (not that it will be much different to my current life!)

And writing all this, I realise that all the bad is over betwen my Gran and I and I am crying. And now I can remember the good that has eluded me for so long....

Memories....

Playing in her garden and climbing the cherry tree....
Walking the dog up her road, playing pooh sticks in the rivers and feeding the donkey....
Going to the shop for a sugar mouse....
Playing gin rummy....
Looking through the old encyclopedias....
Her giving me her favourite book - East Lynne...
The toys she kept in the bench in the hall....
The noddy books (oh how politically incorrect!)....
Sleeping in her box room (my sister got the grown up spare room with the pink bedspread) with my glass of lemonade next to the bed and a biscuit on top....
Malteasers and glacier mints....
Mince and napkin rings and fish finger sandwiches....
Playing with the snap dragons in her garden and picking beans....
Going to visit the other people at her club....
Going and seeing her in the spare room on Christmas morning where she would always have a snack and show her what Santa had brought...
Watching her embroider ladies on the tablecloth I have kept, hidden away in my sideboard....
The look of pride and happiness on her face that last time I saw her....

Love you Gran, rest in peace.

Well... S has gone. his home has called him back and i don't know if we will see him much before the wedding at all.... I am going to miss him.

It has been a tiring weekend but a worthwhile one. My guest book is all but done - I just need to do the name tags for each page. It is wonderfully over the top and the inspiration came from Suzi! I did the photo album all ready to put photos in as well. Then I finished off the bridesmaids red set of jewellery, so that's another thing ready..... I am getting there.

I need to take some photos.....

Then I helped F do some sorting and broke the back of the spare room tidying, so we are getting there. i am limited as to what else I can do to help him as I have a lot coming up from now on.... but then I have crafted this wedding!

Anyway, tired now....

Night night!

Join-in-g

It's that weekend - that D-Day. I have overtime next wwkend, and then things start to get busy for the wedding build up... This weekend is the weekend I want to finish stuff off. Plus I have Monday and Tuesday off. Monday I meet with the caterers and I do not want to have to keep going back to them.

All outstanding invitees have been prompted last week and well, some of them are still outstanding. I need their info! It isn't enough to just know they are coming!

I know the whole thing of asking them to give a song and a fact about themselves may be seen as lame, overly personal, embarassing whatever - but I want that info! It is my wedding and if they wish to come then they should abide by the rules of the event. If I didn't want it, I would not ask for it.....

Being left out of all the fun, being the one who didn't, wouldn't, down right refused to get involved with the fun has got to be worse... right?

Being at a wedding where no one taks to other people - how can that be good? Surely a little informal ice breaker to get people mingling can't be so bad?

Being at wedding which plays music you hate all night is always horrid.... being at a wedding where they play music all night that no one loves or hates..... Getting one song - just especially for you - how that can that be bad?

It will all get there I know - but it shouldn't have to be this much work and effort. people should not make the bride run around at the last minute because they can not be organised enough to get their invites back, even after prompting.....

OK. Rant over! Not feeling stressed at all! Honest!

Kick

After a long hard slog the Orders of Service are done. 48 A5 booklets consisting of an outer irridescent piece of card with order of service and a boarder on it. (I got away with only making three stencils for the wording - acrylics make them gungy and if you strip it fou make them fuzzy edged and they gungey quicker). Inside is a sheet of white paper cut down from A4 and printed on both sides and then folded. The booklet is held together by a white ribbon, held in place with a heart in the centre of the innermost page of the booklet. The hearts were made by painting an A4 white sticker page and then drawing round a heart cookie cutter and cutting them out.

This has quite literally taken weeks.

I am glad they are done.

But I am not done. There are some calls I still have not made and with only four weeks to go, I am running out of time.... Flowers, hair and the minibus are not finalised.... I have crafty adminy bits I can not do until I have all the RSVPs back and of course.. I don't.....

So I am alright, but not great. Getting there but not there.

F however is nowhere near finishing his alloted task of sorting out the house. I know I get to finish my stuff and then start on his stuff and this is not making me happy. He doesn't seem to have much will to get it done either. And a complete lack of organisation! Sometimes he expends an awful lot of energy for very little outcome.

So this afternoon I have been sorting stuff, after a slog to finish the Order of Services. I have two days holiday and I know those days are going to be spent, rescuing his behind from his lack of will. I am frustrated. I love him. But I want to give him a good hard kick....

Rememberance

Time passes. I slowly eek my way closer to being done. A few letters cut in a stencil before work - the lettering on a few more covers sorted after work. By small increments I am getting there.... All is good.

I will be glad when I can work on other things though. I have a stack of books and magazines. I have 21 Secrets and a sketchbook.... I have no space in my life right now for anything new. Once I am wed, I will finish the things waiting for completion and then, it shall be time to usher a few new things in through the door. I am glad though I have things for after the wedding, that i am not heading towards a huge expanse of nothingness.....

Every so often though, something peeks in that pushes to the front, the next step on my path, rather than an interesting side path. This time it is memory. Synchronicity has been at work in this. Life has been shouting at me for a long time that my memory is really, really bad. It is a standing joke at work. I have long developed tactics to disguise my lack of memory which enable me to be very well organised... task lists, calendar reminders and full on notes to refer to.... I know how to get round having a bad memory for sure.

But I don't actually want a bad memory.

I don't want to end up vague like my Gran. I can see this process happening....

So I know all this and then I get a kick - in a conversation with a friend.

So what do I do with a kick like this? I go away and learn more. I buy a book. I integrate the knowledge into my world view...... And if I am really good - I put it into practice.

This is something I need to learn to improve though. I need to work that memory muscle. Not just for my spiritual development but for my own mental health as well. Otherwise I will find myself old, having forgotten who I am.

Rambles with Myself

I am tired. Today I went back to bed and slept the afternoon away. My Order of Services are working their way towards completion. The innards are tripped, held in place with white ribbon and a heart sticker painted in the styley of the hole thing. Some have paint on the covers, about a quarter. And I just need to keep going is all... I am nothing if not stubborn though.

My heart is yearning to decorate the spines of my guest book and photo book. I have white acrylic to paint the spiral binding and some silver interference paint to put over the white. I have white feathers and silver and white ribbons in a shimmery material and white satin ribbon from the Order of Services. I have material from the bridesmaid dress as well as my own and intend to make some little calla lillies and ribbons. I also intend to make stencils to paint the covers in the style of the invites. And this one off sort of creativity is just more appealing than being a production line.... but the Order of Services have to be done before the wedding, but the decorations on the books don't....

I just lost my train of thought because a teenager came to visit - this blog is definitely not open to S! I have no idea if this is permanent or temporary. I feel for him.... anyway. he now has the wii.... *grin*

I have some things I am procrastinating over - like my hair - why don't I have this sorted? And the flowers, why are they not sorted? The transport was not sorted but conversations with friends seem to be sorting that in a very satisfactory style, without me actually doing much..... but yes, I feel like I am trusting these things to the right moment - but how do I know this isn't just procrastination and indecisiveness or even just plain old not particularly liking making telephone calls to strangers sometimes?

I am struggling with S in some sense (see, my brain really never left that distraction! *laugh*). He isn't overly fond of being by himself, doesn't really know what to do with his own space and has absolutely no hobbies or pastimes that do not involve electronic wizardry or being out and about spending money.... Mind you, neither does F.... and it doesn't seem to do him any harm - actually that is not quite true.... he does have non-electronic hobbies and pastimes. he has friends to go see and a bike to ride. S is stuck here.... but by his choice. but he does need a hobby or two....

He will also need to come to a decision about the days when F and my shifts do not mean there is someone in the house. It is hard. Maybe we just need to trust that he is ready to be by himself - he is old enough. I guess we shall see tomorrow - with his Dad off a night shift and asleep - how he does in reality.

Still very proud though.... Seems he is happy to share who he wishes to be with us. Seems he has shared this with his other family and it has not gone down so well. Why do music choices often end up being so divisive? Anyway, enough rambling, I have wedding things to do.....

Dovetailing Life

It has been a long week. F has worked a couple of nights and i slept badly without him. Then before that I was so tired anyway I slept nearly twelve hours one night and a restless, dream filled twelve hours at that - but strangely that night left me feeling so much more at peace and energy filled than any other night this week....

Synchronicity are alive and well. The message is coming through loud and clear that there is a rightness to our wedding plans. Thank you to the dear friends who have been carriers of this message - and on the same day too!

F and I were talking this morning and he said it all feels like a new, happy start. As chance would have it, he is changing job just before the wedding. He completes his initial training, then goes on leave for our wedding and then returns after to his new start. This is a job he has dreamt of for a long time. He applied before and was successful and then waited his two years with no vacancies coming up. He applied the beginning of this year again and expected it to be much as before but lo and behold, here he is, with his dream beginning, dovetailed around our wedding day as if designed like that exactly...

It leaves me wondering what this energy of change hitting our lives around then will do for me. What dreams will come true for me?

Anyway - I have much to work on. F is off to get very drunk with his male friends and do other very male things. I am meeting a girlie friend or two over the weekend and intend to move my paints and Order of Service covers downstairs so I can start a little production line in front of the TV...

Love to you all... much love... There i plenty to go around!

Low Ebb

I feel really tired and low today.... I have still been chipping away at stuff though.

I sat down and looked at the wedding finances.

I chatted with my folks about things.

I finished sorting the wishes for the Make a Wish, Take a Wish. Decided I need to go up to the castle before I make the tree so I know what size space it has to fit into. Punching holes seems to take forever! (think my punch has gotten a bit blunt!)

I went shopping.

And I am about ready for bed. I feel like I am constantly working on the wedding and at some point I need to devote some time to the house because F just does not seem to be making much progress. Maybe I need to leave a list of things I want done by next weekend. It feels as if each day he will do one big job and then stop at that.... OK I can't see what he is doing when I am not there, and I am not going to nag him, I am not *sigh*, but, we need to get some of this junk out of the house because otherwise he is going to waste so much time just moving things around and around and around.....

I need some time with him as well. I tried to fix the dripping tap today but I need one set of hands under the sink and one above. I just can't reach far enough to do both at the same time. He works every other weekend currently and next weekend is his weekend off but he has his stag do and will be out all day. And hung over the following day. So it will be the end of July before we get time to do stuff together again really. I am just getting frustrated is all.... and tired. I don't see him tired so much. I do see him playing the xbox a fair bit though.

Well they do say that behind every great man there is an even greater woman....

Invitation

I am not procrastinating... not much anyway....

I thought you might like to see the fronts of our wedding invites. The card is lovely and there is no photograph that will do it justice. It has a very fine line texture and a silver shimmery coating so that it glimmers gently. The font is vivaldi. The paints acrylics in burgundy, red and burnt sienna applied with a stencil....

I have a story about this design actually....

When I was a kid doing art at school we had an assignment once to take two letters, make masks with them then create a repeating pattern and colour the negative spaces. I chose the font vivaldi and the letters J & R. One for my name and the other for the name of my crush of the time.

Except it was a very fleeting crush! I would not even remember having the crush if it were not for the piece of art. i don't remember it at all. In fact the guy was someone my sister went out with. It makes me wonder if I just had the crush to produce that piece of art with those letters...

Because here I am years later and they are mine and my fiance's initials and I have recreated that old piece of art and turned it into my wedding invites....

It was a good piece of art though and received admiration... Unfortunately it was the piece that the art teacher admired very much and made him comment that I might be better than my Sister. oh well!

On the reverse of the invite I have stuck a smaller piece of white parchment on which the details are printed in Calibri and Vivaldi fonts....

This morning I have hoping my latest Amazon delivery, despatched Thursday night, will arrive. I ordered this a few days ago and in it I will gain a book recommended by Mel on Power Animals, a book on journeying that comes with a drumming CD and another drumming CD. This weekend is perfect because F is working, so I have a calm peaceful house in which to journey. Definitely crossing my fingers....

I am tinkering on my pc and soon I shall have to migrate to the dying laptop, to feed in invite details and transfer around wedding related things. Then I need to clear my laptop off my table and be creative....

Maybe I shall work on the covers for the Order of Services, maybe the wish tree. F and I are supposed to be sitting down together to think up some witty wishes to add to our wishes for the guests/ I have no idea when that will happen... Otherwise I could start printing out and cutting out the wishes and tying them shut with the white ribbon I have. And I need blank wishes too. There is something about the wish tree that feels very pagan to me, it feels like a spell, particularly tying the wishes on with little bits of white cloth.... I think I shall just remove the wishes themselves and leave the ribbons tyed on the tree after, like a little cloutie tree.

But then this morning I saw the amazing guestbook Sam made for her sister. At the moment I have these lovely sketchbooks. One larger one for photos and a slightly smaller one for the guest book. I was planning to do something to the covers, but maybe I should be a little bolder....

And then there are the favours, if we end up having any! I love the idea of felting soaps... but even with only 50 guests, do I have time? I might see where I am at, at the end of July, when my finances would permit me to next think about buying the things I would need.... I might make an experimental bar with the wool i already have and see how it turns out, if I could make that many bars....

Sitting here writting about what I have to do instead of doing it is a way of procrastinating though!

Care A Lot

I am not really doing Bloglandia justice right now. Overtime, tiredness, social activities and wedding planning are dragging me away.... I have a whole post I wish to write on some stuff I have been thinking about and I shall... but not when I have to leave for work in five mins....

Even little things seem to be taking on epic proportions!

I want nice non-alcoholic and alcoholic punches for the guests with a raspberry and rose falvour. Sunday saw me at a friends with raspberries and rose syrup, pureeing and sampling with different accompaniments.... Last night saw me making raspberry syrup which turned out surprisingly well and is actually really easy! and delicious. And here I am actually drinking some! But now I have to experiment with fizzy water and lemonade and vodka and fruit wines and cheap sparkly wine and and and....

You would think a little drink would be easy? Why is there something in me that just can't do bog standard Bucks Fizz? Maybe cos I think it tastes horrible and I am allergic to oranges? Maybe, but I think there is a different drive at work here. The drive to be different, to be new and original, to be the best I can.... This wedding is a chance to show everyone in some ways that I am back where I was before my life went wrong. That although I am absent a lot, even when I am here, that I think of them a lot, that I care a lot.....

Just a drink you say?

*laugh*

Wedding Wishes

So I guess the wedding is on to phase 2 really....

The church and reception are booked. The order of service is agreed. The outfits are with their various experts and all that remains for us to do there is pick them up. The invites, and the subsequent correction, have gone out. There are four left to deliver by hand now and two of those will definitely go out today.

So now my thoughts are moving on.

Maybe I have not achieved much this weekend given I have had two days off as well.... but... a dress fitting, a suit booking, a ring discussion and a watch sorting with the jeweller, four hand delivered invites which required we stop for a nice chat too.... And yesterday I gathered me up some wishes.....

I am going to have a Make a Wish, Take a Wish thing, with a wish tree to hang the wishes people make for us on. So I went hunting on the web for blessings and I found lots of them and I pulled them apart. F and I are going to make up some humorous ones too, but I thought you might like a little looksie at them as they are now....

• May the road rise to meet you
• May the wind be always at your back
• May the sunshine warm upon your face
• May you be poor in misfortune and rich in blessings
• May you know nothing but happiness from this day forward
• May the warm rays of sun fall upon your home
• May the hand of a friend always be near
• May the strength of the wind and the light of the sun, the softness of the rain and the mystery of the moon reach you and fill you
• May beauty delight you and happiness uplift you
• May wonder fulfil you and love surround you
• May your step be steady and your arm be strong
• May your heart be peaceful and your word be true
• May you seek to learn, may you learn to live
• May you live to love, and may you love – always
• May you always have walls for the winds, a roof for the rain and tea beside the fire
• May you always have laughter to cheer you and those you love near you
• May the sun shine all day long
• May everything go right, and nothing wrong
• May those you love bring love back to you
• May all the wishes you wish come true
• May luck be your friend in whatever you do
• May trouble be always a stranger to you
• May your belly never grumble
• May your heart never ache
• May there always be work for your hands to do
• May your purse always carry a shilling or two
• May the sun always play on your window pane
• May a rainbow chase after each spot of rain
• May the roof overhead be well thatched and those inside well matched
• May the saddest day of your future be no worse than the happiest day of your past
• May the roof above us never fall in and the friends gathered below it never fall out
• May your mornings bring joy and your evenings bring peace
• May your troubles grow few as your blessings increase
• May your hands be forever clasped in friendship and your hearts joined forever in love
• May the blessing of the rain be on you, may it beat upon your Spirit and wash it fair and clean
• May the blessing of the earth be on you, soft under your feet as you pass along the roads, soft under you as you lie out on it, tired at the end of day
• May flowers always line your path and sunshine light your day
• May songbirds serenade you every step along the way
• May a rainbow run beside you in a sky that’s always blue
• May the blessing of light be on you - light without and light within
• May your past be a pleasant memory
• May your future be filled with delight and mystery
• May your now be a glorious moment that fills your life with deep contentment
• May dawn find you awake and alert, approaching your new day with dreams, possibilities, and promises
• May evening find you gracious and fulfilled
• May you go into the night blessed, sheltered, and protected
• May the face of every good news and the back of every bad news be toward us
• May every good seed you have planted bear fruit and late summer find you standing in fields of plenty
• May you have for every storm, a rainbow
• May you have for every tear, a smile
• May you have for every care, a promise and a blessing in each trial
• May you have for every problem life sends, a faithful friend to share
• May love and laughter light your days and warm your heart and home.
• May good and faithful friends be yours wherever you may roam.
• May peace and plenty bless your world with joy that long endures.
• May all life's passing seasons bring the best to you and yours!

If we had not attended two rock concerts this weekend, which were tiring and required I sleep lots the day after, then I am sure I could have achieved more... but... *shrugs* I have to have some fun! *laugh*

Not sure how much I shall get done today either! Well except for a visit to a guest to deliver an invite and ask many questions *laugh*

Bee

I am still here but some days time is an issue! I have been so tired since the eclipse and yesterday morning I even slept through my alarm.... Although today I woke ealry and could not get back to sleep - my skin also seems to have finally decided to break out. I have been spot free since my skin rash which is not a good thing for me, it means the toxins are not leaving my skin, my lymph system is not gathering them up.

Overtime beckons again and will do from now up to not long before the wedding. Overtime crooked it's little finger this week...

And yet, most of the invites somehow finished themselves this week. I have only another six to do and that was because I did not have surnames when I printed them off. I am intending for F to post some of them today....

And yet my list of things to do does not seem to be shrinking.... oh well...

My presence here may be a little unpredictable over the next couple of months!

Anyway, time to fly! Again...

(wish I could fly for real, how cool would that be?)