Hanging in the Balance

So I am feeling quiet right now.  This happens every so often and this time of year is a point when it often does.  It is nearing my Birthday, my personal year end and year beginning and things are ending and beginning all around me.  A lot of the stories I just don't want to talk about yet because I don't have the ends, but other things I just don't seem to want to talk about.

Maybe there is just too much going on that I have not figured out exactly.  Maybe I just have too many feelings.  I woke up grumpy this morning, unable to get back to sleep at 6.30.  This is not to say life is bad... quite the opposite.  But I am avoiding people.  I am not leaving blog comments or comments on facebook or elsewhere that I should.  I am not returning my Mum's calls.

Maybe that's because they are moving out of my soul home sometime over the next couple of weeks and I just don't know what to say.
Maybe it's because my sister upset me when she was down and although everything is OK, the hurt remains a little and I don't want to have to tell my Mum what happened and have her try and mediate, because there is nothing to mediate.
Maybe it's because my dosage has been doubled and I don't want to have to analyse how I am doing to tell people where I am at yet, I don't know and I am taking each day as it comes.
Maybe it's because I am avoiding making some decisions about when and how to spend a lot of money visiting friends and there just won't be time to visit my folks in there too.
Maybe it's because I have not even discussed those visits with F yet.
Maybe it's because I have been having some really, really dark dreams which suggest that all the hard work I have done on myself over the years is not finished and because I have no idea how to resolve the next step.  But maybe the signs are that also, this is nearing the end of it....
Maybe it's because it's 2012 and the world feels like it's shifting under my feet a little, maybe I am scared of what might happen a little, I don't know, maybe I am scared nothing at all will happen....
Maybe despite my absolute joy over my friends newly announced pregnancy, maybe it just brings home to me that babies are still some way off for me, due to health, if they ever come at all...

But in that list, there is nothing I can not deal with and won't deal with, I am just very much in a lying low period.

On the good side however...

I went to an amazing drum circle.  Different circles have different energies and feelings, in part because of the different work you do at each circle.  There was a lot of new people at this one but it was also focusing on balance for the Equinox.  The feeling was absolutely blissful, with out being spacey, it was a really beautiful afternoon.  My journeys were nothing earth shattering, which is fine right now.  In fact my main journey repeated the journey I had for the Spring Equinox.  I danced through the elements and then danced into my Dragon.  The Dragon has been my totem for this year as it is my totem for Breaking Masks.  It was lovely, but it was not about me so much.  Maybe dancing the elements with my Dragon is something that should be done every Equinox, I am sure if it is, I shall find myself on this journey again.

We also did little journeys for someone else.  The person I worked with did not so much journey for me as do some healing on me, and it was lovely and I could feel it and I think I needed it more than a journey right now.  My journey for them, did not seem like much to me, but when I told them, it turned out to be a message they had been given before and it was greatly appreciated.

A friend at the circle is a felter and is going to show me how to felt.  While talking she told me about a Swan shawl she made with Swan feathers felted into it.  of course I want a corvid shawl now, and the Magpies have been really, really generous this week....

All my birds are doing fine, and I was most surprised when I looked up from my book the other day, to admire the flock of jackdaws, the Crows and the Magpies, to see a new comer....  I had my first Rook!  It is a like a little Corvid social party *laugh*  I have never seen a Rook in that area, so how it found it's way there I have no idea, maybe he heard from his Cousins.  I imagine he will be back, probably with friends.  What was surprising though was that even though it was his first time there with me sat only about two meters away, he took his cue from the others and was completely unphased by me

My hair has changed colour, from purple with neon purple splodges to blue black with violet and neon purple that makes it looke like it has an ultraviolet sheen.  I like it.  Next time I may have blue and green and look like a Magpie....

I am feeling better, but I am still waiting and I guess part of me is waiting for me to dip down again.  Things feel steadier this  time but all I can do is wait.

But something really, really amazing is in the process of coming my way, something I have been waiting for, for some time.  Something I am bursting with excitement over!  And I can't wait to bring that story together.... 

Life IS good

Apple Musicini

I have spent much of the weekend playing with my iPod. I wish I had known what I know now, back when I started my iPod adventure.

I would have ensured any tracks and albums it did not recognise had their details properly entered. I would have ticked the compilation box for all those CD's with the work of more than one artist. I would have removed references to disc numbers from the title of albums so that multi disc albums sat comfortably in one slot rather than several. I now have just under 70gb of music on my iPod - nearly enough to listen to continuously for a month with no repeats... Except there would be quite a few because tracks appear in more than one place a lot of the time - compilation albums....

Sorting out my music retrospectively takes time.

I learnt that you can only sync from one computer without losing everything. So I bought a hard drive and moved all my music on to that. Now, as long as I have plenty of time, I can sync from any pc I like. It also saves me from having all that music on my pc or my laptop (not sure my laptop could actually contain it all).

but not all the music made it's way on to the hard drive so I had to wade through and find which files I had missed. I had added much music since the last time I had synced so it is taking quite a while. I have also been sorting out playlists, because the music collection is so vast now, finding similar tracks can be tricky....

I knew when I bought my iPod Classic that I would not fill it (at least, not this year) but that I needed that size.... the idea is that all these CD's will find their way in to boxes and move out of the way (if we get the attic boarded, they can go up there). Can you imagine what it was like trying to find a single CD amongst all of them? Finding a single song can sometimes be tricky but I can sort and search now!

I thought that I would start downloading music rather than being wasteful and buying CDs. This is not to be anytime soon. Buying CDs is very much cheaper than downloading music. I know they justify this by saying it is a licence for five copies but I don't want five copies. I would use up one of my licences no doubt just getting the file where I wanted it to be! I remember a friend telling me they lost all their music just by changing their computer over the years.....

I hate the thought of losing my music collection - if something happened to my hard drive... *shudder* but at least I can always go back to the beginning if anything happens and download all my CDs again. OK so it took me weeks.... But I can do it if I have to.

I have come to resent and admire apple in equal measures. They have secured their future for sure.... Would I buy another iPod? Not sure. I had to buy an iPod and a hard drive to not clog up my pc, I believe other music thingies allow you to move the music in both directions. How much easier is that? I understand why Apple set things up the way they did, they were very creative. They make millions...

I sit here and plot what gaps in my music collection I am going to plug with the help of Amazon. I am in love with music... And looking at what I like best, maybe I should have been a punk! I remember as a kid being in a town square with my Mum and staring at the punks with awe and amazement, I loved their multi-colour mohicans. My Mum would very quickly tell me to stop staring....

Oops.. I was supposed to dye my hair blue this weekend.... The purple is fading and the bleach streaks will soon show their true orangey colour.

Hair Today

I have long, thick, dark brown hair which is mostly straight. There is the older silver hair and a feathering of silver at my temples. My hair maybe gets a cut once a year - if it's lucky. I used to dye it with henna every so often but had stopped doing even that. My last lot of henna languished on the shelf unused. I use a lush shampoo bar and an occasional deep conditioning. Some days I don't bother to brush it but somehow it always looks fine. I don't blow dry or straighten it and I don't bother with styling products either....

But occasionally i do something a little radical to it. A few years back, I got hold of F's clippers, set them to the longest setting and sheared the lot off. F was distraught. I was too when he asked me to marry him a few weeks later! No way did I want to get married with hair that short.....

I always wanted blue hair. Working where I do now, I have nothing to do with the public or presenting any sort of image. No one cares what my hair looks like. Time for my hair to turn....

I tried dying it cosmic blue but unfortunately it was more black than blue and although I like my hair black, it wasn't what I wanted.

I dropped a hair sample at the hairdressers. They recommended extensions rather than bleaching as my hair was rather dark and blue would take a lot of maintenance. I had extensions. They didn't really allow enough time to do them so I didn't get that many, and they were not cheap. So I had a tiny bit of expensive blue.... But two came out after a week. I also realised that the extensions really weakened your hair and I didn't much like that.

I went to hunt down proper blue hair dye eventually. I found some in a little shop where the guy serving had a big blue streak down the middle. He recommended getting a streaking kit and then added that he reapplied the blue several times a week. A daunting proposal.

I decided not to go blue before the holidya as I would have no way of reapplying it.

But I did bleach my hair. i got nowhere near the root and it left my hair that nasty orangey bleached colour but it didn't matter as I had some nice purple dye all ready. It looked fine but the purple was quite dark. As it slowly washed out, it looked better and better. At the beginning of this week it was looking the best it has, but I always knew this was a fine line. I can see the first wee hint of orange.

i think it is time for some nice blue streaks.... They might not be blue though, given they are a light purple right now.

I like bleaching streaks and I like having different colours. I wonder what other colours I could go..... And how many streaks I should have....