Moon of Surrender Introduction

Surrender is all about going with the flow, not resisting, not fighting.  Wheelkeeper describes it as letting go of the emotional reactions, the reactions of our ego.  Surrendering is nowhere near the same as repressing though, repressing is unhealthy.  Of course we all have emotional reactions but the important thing is to do the work in understanding these reactions.  Looking at Fears, understanding why we are angry and so on....

This feels like a good Moon for me right now as I adjust to my changing body.  And things are changing.  The more I read the more I realise that all my health problems are related to my Thyroid and I have many years of problems to turn back through.  It started at 8 with Hydradenitus Surrativa, a skin condition I still have (possible cause of later thyroid problems).  Then at 12 I got strange pains in my joints that were diagnosed as Rheumatism, they went away in my late teens.  At 14 I got very ill and although tests never confirmed it was Glandular Fever it probably was.  Then at 19 I definately got Glandular Fever and it turned into Chronic Fatigue.  After I moved to Cornwall I developed Hayfever, IBS and dry eyes.  Shortly after giving up smoking I started to pile on weight, that no diet ever permanently shifted, in fact diets resulted in me putting on more weight in the long run.  Depression has haunted me through the years too, causing me to do so much work on myself that eventually I got to a place of contentment, when you know you have nothing else to be sad about you know how you feel is physical not mental....  And through all this there has been never-ending tiredness....

I don't think I had realised how tired I really felt.  The last few months when it got really bad and mucked up all my hormones too, I didn't have the nergy to even feel, I was just in a complete fog.  As this fog has lifted, all the other niggles have become evident.  My stomach now tells me when it feels full or when I have eaten badly I feel queasy.  I feel strange pains.  My head fog has lifted enough for me to be conscious of what remains, a headache that comes and goes.  My IBS has vanished completely.  My Rheumatism returned.  The clock is turning back for my body, but I am not daft enough to think that all that damage can go overnight.

I am making progress and this I am overjoyed at!  I hope to work with my Doctor to get my dosage right and experiment with drugs till I find the right cocktail. I am so thankful he decided to diagnose me.  But I do need to surrender to this process.  I can not rush it....

This has always been a tricky Moon for me.  First time round at the age of 8, I changed school.  I went from a mixed school to a girls school, state run to private run and I got bumped up a year by accident too.  It was really tough.  I had just started to realise I was a tomboy and started to find my place and now I was with a bunch of girls...  I was also with a group of girls who came from much richer homes than I did, many of whom were living away from home for the first time and dealing with things I could not imagine, comfy inmy secure family, going home every night.  These difficulties cause them to bond very closely in ways us few day girls could never match.  Then too, I had gone from being top of my class, to being bottom, being tested for Dyslexia and receiving extra tuition at break times....

Everything about me rebelled.  This was when my skin first started to erupt.  And other things erupted too.  I had so much anger and frustration inside me, and they came out.  The other girls would wind me up and I would lose it and hit out like a windmill with all my might.  Some girls would wind me up on purpose.  I hated it, hated losing control.  And of course it only made things worse, not better.

I learnt to ruthlessly control my anger, and along with it many of my other emotions too.  But Anger is such a positive and powerful thing in the right place.  It protects us and helps keep us safe.  With it comes our passion, our fire and they bring creativity.  In repressing my Anger, I lost so very much.  In later years a friend conducted an exercise with me where different seats in a room represented me, my anger and other times and feelings in such a way as I could talk with my anger.  It was very powerful and moving.  My anger was so sad.  It had been the anger of an eight year old and it had been trying to help as best it knew, trying to protect me.  This was a real turning point for me, late on in my second Year of Surrender.  It was probably the first bit of work that resulted in me returning a piece of my shattered soul to it's home.  It didn't happen overnight, it took time and work and persistence...

My second year of Surrender had begun very badly, or very well, depending on your view.  I collapsed under the strain of carrying my emotional pain and repression from the rape a year before and had a nervouse breakdown.  I had to break in order to get well I think, but my 21st birthday was horrid, a meal with  just my parents in a pub we never go to and have never been since, sat in a corner feeling retched.

Breaking allowed me to mend and I started to remake my world from scratch, looking at everything I thought and felt and deciding what to keep and looking for new material to fill the gaps.  I had counselling and I read and read.  On my return to the city I temped and eventually began a job where I met the lady who helped with my Anger.  I remember deciding that I did not want to let my experiences make me hard or cynical.  I guess this year was all about mending.

I had a lovely boyfriend at the time, who I will always be fond of.  I remember one counselling session released my anger, but of course I had no idea what to do with it!  And there was so much!  We had some chipped ornaments and broken things and my bf and I took them into the garden so I could smash them to pieces.  But I was still angry.  So we went upstairs and shouted and screamed at each other.  So convincing did we sound that a housemate watching TV in the extension to the house came up to our attic room to make sure we were not killing each other....

This year not only saved my life, but I had the opportunity to save someone else's.  One of my housemates tried to kill himself after a break up and I was the only one in the house at the time.  I think such a thing creates a powerful bond.  He has had a hard road, dealing with addiction and mental health issues, but he seems to have come out the other side, and he has a beautiful daughter now...

Last year was my third year of Surrender and to be honest it was pretty calm!  I first dreamed of being a Dreamer early on in the year and went on to connect with Lisa.  I took part in BIG, an e-course looking at intuitive painting.  Things began to settle a little for me at work.  The Little Princess left and my Boss started on the path of trying to repair the damage, mostly by blaming it all on the Little Princess and pretending it never happened - which is fine, society depends on these polite fictions!

Surrender for me last year, was all about reconnecting with the Universe, with the magic, with my place in things and who I truly am.  I quite like Surrender, but it really has not been easy for me over the years....

So this next month, I am just going to keep on keeping on.  Waiting and watching.  Onwards and upwards.