Wednesday, 29 December 2010

Subversion in the School

I went to a very Christian girls school. It was a boarding school, although I didn't board. One of the most important things in a school like this was keeping us girls safe and away from boys. It was for parents to decide which boys were suitable, not the school. The school also had to think about men, a school full of sequestered teenage girls is many a mans fantasy and some of those girls were very hormonal and men might not have safe from them....

Not surprisingly, there were not too many male members of staff. Those that there were tended to be very respectable married men. Except one. Well i am sure he would have been married if it had been legal back then.... He had a long term partner and the school turned a very Christian blind eye. After all, us girls were definitely safe with him.

I have a handful of vague memories. I so wish my memory was better.... He leant me a book once and I remember when I gave it back to him he asked me what I thought. I have a vague memory of being non-committal in that annoying teenage way. I don't think he ever leant me a book again but it didn't matter.

The thing is, teenagers often are too embarassed of emotion, of adults to be entirely honest with their thoughts and feelings. Sometimes they don't work them out until later and then the moment is gone.

The author of that book is still one of my favourite, a couple of decades later... And I wish I could tell him. But he and his partner bought a bar somewhere exotic......

Thing is though, he saw something in me to lend me that book. Sheri S. Tepper is an author whose books are often feminist and political in nature. She uses fantasy to really dig at humanity and see what lies underneath. When you worked in such a school, to lend such a book to a pupil.... Me, not a different one. He saw a seed in me and I would like to think it grew. I have no idea what he would make of my pagan faith.

So many teachers had an impact on me, often in tiny ways. Some affected me without me ever being able to recall why and what. But sometimes the tiniest things have the biggest echoes down through time - like a book - that authors thoughts have surely helped shape my own.

Cotton Wool Cloud

I feel like wrapping myself in cotton wool, in a giant warm duvet. I guess the land felt the same way today because it did that too. Thick cotton wool. All day.

Fog forms in so many different ways it seems and I don't really have a clue why it formed here today. Maybe the land was warm and moist and a cold air current passed over. Maybe there was a cold front and a big warm front came and sat on top of it. With all the sea and ocean and wind currents that meet over these islands of mine.....

But it covered the entire South West. A driver who came in today said it was thick all the way down from Bristol to us here in Cornwall. This is a major fog and it did not shift at all.

Cotton wool. A giant duvet.

It didn't help us feel better for being back at work. but then I guess we were not going to be happy. Flat.

I feel tired and drained and I can not wait for my upcoming week off.

In other news: I discovered that painting silk on plastic previously used as a backdrop for acrylic painting is not such a good idea... And the Little Princess is not coming back to work and I have yet to decide how I feel about that. To be honest I don't think I feel an awful lot.... Relief maybe. More processing to be done perhaps or maybe I already did so much processing over her, that I am already there. Feelings in cotton wool to maybe?

Tuesday, 28 December 2010

Hibernate

The desire to snuggle under a warm duvet and do nothing is strong right now. To disappear into that wierd limbo of wakeful nothing ness. To drift. The stock pot caught me yesterday, those bubbles held my gaze and freed my mind, to go, nowhere, to do, nothing.

I feel tired and drained but happily so. Spent. Not sure what it was that I did to get that way. Thing is, a lot of people have been feeling like that this Solstice, and not just those in bloggy land either. On Boxing Day i was talking to the f m-i-l and she said that she hadn't had the energy for it this year and so many others she had spoken to hadn't either. And I bet you, she has spoken to a LOT of other people....

So not just bloggy or pagany circles.... This draining of energy seems to have affected a lot of people.

Part of me wants to link it to the Solstice. To the strange energy that abounded, an energy that wasn't somehow a useful energy to do anything. I would love to have not been at work on the Solstice. Feeling odd, I tried to ground at work and this normally takes a few seconds with shut eyes at my desk. As I opened my eyes that time though, I felt almost drunk.

So why am I spent? Spent implies having done something, put some energy towards some cause. Maybe i did, maybe we all did. Maybe all that energy, so many contributed, has gone and done something. Maybe the world changed that day....

The last time we had a full lunar eclipse apparently was 1638. I looked up 1638 on wikipedia and it is full of wars being won, cities being founded by immigrants, treaties being signed and a giant thunderstorm where a ball of lightning hit a church where a service was underway.... And what of 1639, after the solstice? A lot less.... founding more places, explorers find a canal connecting the orinoco and amazon basins, the first printing press in North America is begun... all generally more peaceful, except for relations between England and Scotland where war breaks out and also for the Russian Cossacks.....

No clues there then, what the underlying change of energy caused by the eclipse will be....

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

Frost Moon Retrospective

I shan't post my new Full Moon Dreamboard until I get round to scanning it in but last month I really enjoyed looking at my Full Moon Dreamboard with the power of hindsight.

So here it is again. To look at it, go here.

It always felt like a strong and rich dreamboard but it is so obvious to see what it was talking about now. Dreaming. I have begun and I have discovered, although there is so much more of both to do. The rejuvenation and blessing of the figure on the ground, yes I think I have received both this month. The ruins, well I think they are about a exploring a rich and varied past heritage, all that you are, interesting places with treasures hiding under each rock, maybe, depending what you call treasure...

In contrast the lights on the water feel sort of dreamy, sort of drifting with their own paths. A happy image. And the peacock - the dream dictionary says new growth, love, success....

I think this last month has been a good and happy one - tiring towards the end but I am left with a feeling of hope and happiness that sings in my heart.....

To see other dreamboards with Jamie Ridler - go here.

Tuesday, 21 December 2010

The Sun Rising



I awoke this morning with the moon on my face. Shining through the slit in our curtain, she was full and bold and beautiful. F and I snuggled before getting up and I hurried through my morning routine so I could leave early.

I drove to the nearby big hill and walked to the top. No moon anywhere.... i chose big hill because I knew the moon would be setting shortly after it reached full eclipse. From big hill I should hav been able to see it slip in to the sea.


The early morning was soft and gentle looking, full of pastel hues and a flowing mist clinging here and there. Ice hid in hollows at the bottom of the hill, but it got bolder with height. The sky promised to be blue with little white fluffy clouds. But the clouds and mist were hugging the horizon out to sea and I knew I would not see the moon again this morning.

But there was still the sun to rise and after all, the winter solstice is all about the sun. Just watching it felt like an act of worship. The sense of peace buoyed me through the day and left me contented. And then as I drove home, there was the moon, low to the horizon, full and beautiful and renewed again.


I could talk more about today and I probably will, but not now. The strange energy of the day needs to be digested a little first....

Monday, 20 December 2010

Soul Fish

As I drove home tonight, I asked myself if I wanted to play WoW and the answer came back no.

I went to the shops, bought a lovely turkey crown for the weekend and some other bits and then I came home and did all the things I needed to do. Caught up on things in the online world and then I painted.

And this is what came out.

So what do fish mean to me?

Not sure exactly but I have always liked them. I tried to keep some once upon a time but it was not a successful venture..... I used to have a lovely mobile of fish made from paper, painted in bright colours. They didn't survive a house move......

Fish are ideas, life, swimming around. A dream dictionary suggests that to see them swimming has to do with insights into the unconscious mind. Having read my dream book, it describes the unconscious mind as the part of us that filters messages from our higher self so we can understand them but it dresses them in our personal symbology.

My fish are swimming down. They are going deeper, further in. And the little baby fish? Some new aspect of myself, something growing and developing. The fish are happy.

I painted the background from colours chosen at random and then picked yellow and started painting lines which ended up sort of looking like a fish. A big yellow fish later and there was an empty spot in it's middle which didn't want to be pattern or anything and suddenly yelled that it was a little fish....

So what would a big fish take a little fish down for? Food probably.... Sustenance. Soul food. Some new part of myself needs to grow and this is the message it wanted to get to me....

No Such Thing as a Free Lunch

Our weather here is odd. Those Moors at Bodmin somehow separate us from the weather of the rest of the country. The UK is full of snow, a foot, two foot, more in Scotland probably. Cornwall, the west anyway, is snow free. Whenever it snows it gets warmer and it melts and only partly settles. But it freezes. This morning the roads were covered in black ice. All melted by home time, leaving water everywhere to freeze again.

So this time of year is hard on the wildlife. I imagine in the rest of the country, they are really struggling. It is easier here I think but still tougher than they are used to.

Every day I observe magpies. I have a thing about them anyway. Each lunch time I sit in my car, talk to F, eat and read. And I watch them. They walk along the bank, hunting for food. They skulk around the smoking area (I can see them in my mirrors).

Very occasionally I give them some food. Last time I did, the cheeky bird took all of it, lining them up in his beak and then flew further up the bank and buried them, a little stash.... So I know my friends are well prepared but...

Today I was sat watching them. They were absent from the bank and then the pair of them swopped in. And the magpie sat on the bank next to my car and looked at me. And I knew what it wanted, I knew it was asking nicely, hoping. I knew it remembered and recognised me.

I had already eaten my bread but I had some coconut macaroons and threw out a few chunks for them. And with that, I feel as if I have struck some sort of bargain with them. I have agreed to help them survive this hard, hard winter.

I have no idea if the magpie sees me as a free meal, if it sees me as a friend, but I don't think it is scared of me. It sits within a few feet now although it's mate is less bold. I remember reading that if a magpie looks you in the eye it means they respect you. I also remember reading that magpies are the only bird that passes the mirror test, they recognise themselves and know the world is reversed. They are very, very clever. The cleverest of birds.....

And they got me sussed.

(my titles always come to me and on the whole I like them, that one came very quick and implies I get something from this feeding.... and I do, I get to watch these beautiful birds close up....)

Saturday, 18 December 2010

Lucky Man

I am up way to early.

I know I will crash and burn.

But for now, I am listening to my body and I am up.

Last night I persuaded F to drive, so I drank and now my body is in that post alcohol, post caffeine, post some sort of food that it is possibly intolerant of. This often happens after a Chinese take away because of the Monosodium Glutamate they use. My heart races and I get hot and I sleep badly.

Last night was good, not because of the food and the drink but because of people. We do not exist a lone. We make connections, form community. Some times those connections reach out and anchor us, like a wall of vines. For some they trap, but I choose to be me and I choose to be here, so why should they trap?

At the beginning of the year we faced redundancies. I stayed, some went. One man, who had become stressed and ineffectiv, went. He was a lovely man, we all adored him. We missed his presence. He anchored my Boss to, which is one reason I think she disliked him. He made it impossible for her games to reach the heights they have this year.

I often talked of F and his work and how much better this new job had been for him. I knew, before he left, that my colleague would apply to the same organisation if he was one of the unlucky ones.

Looking at him last night though, it is clear that that happening, has for him been a lucky one. A nice lump sum from the old stressful job, that left him tired and drained at the end of each day. A new job, which leaves him unstressed and revitalized at the end of each day. New tricks such as cooking, a vital part of his new job, have shifted things for him at home too....

But the irregular hours mean more time for other things.... Older, needy relatives. Golf. Whatever makes his heart sing and more.

It will give me great delight to go to work on Monday and tell everyone exactly how great he is doing. Exactly how good all this has been for him. Exactly how much better and richer it has made his life.

I think, every single one of us, will sit there and wonder, who exactly were the lucky ones...

Wednesday, 15 December 2010

The Journey

I had a dream last night. Well I had several dreams as I do most nights but there was one tiny little section, whose meaning was so clear I want to write about here right now before I go to work.

I was on a train with a handful of other people. We were all going somewhere lovely but we had to keep making stops or detours for the different people on the train.

It was kind of obvious to me that this was an observation on life.

I might be ready to get to a new destination where the journey will be different, maybe on foot through forests or by kayak across beautiful lakes but it isn't just about me. I carry with me a group of people, linked by blood, friendship and karma. Some life changes are so huge they take all those with you there to. Winning the lottery would be one of those changes. It would take the train and all who ride on it somewhere new. They would miss their detours and stops.

I don't experience their detours and stops in the same way as they do - they are just delays on the train journey for me. Of course, i could get off the train, I could walk away from them all but that feels to me like an attempt to derail the train for a whole group of people. It wouldn't then get where it is going at all. I guess sometimes we just have to be patient and go through the dull times so that we can arrive with all our loved ones in the place that we belong together.

Would I like to go there alone? No, not really....

So what is in the way towards lottery millions? (*laugh* as if I have a clue where my journey is going, except that it is going) Well my sister has a hard life as a divorcee with two teens and an ex who contributes nothing, she is learning the lesson of living to a budget - one she is not doing to well with right now, one that is leaving her with debt and stress, one that a lottery win would whisk away and I would sooo love to do that! My folks are learning how to live with each other all over again now there is less work and few buffers between them. My Dad has had some issues with death since the loss of his Mother and has become besotted with dogs and gets sulky if my Mum won't let him keep to four.... My Mum has chronic health issues that sometimes it feels like my Dad just can't or won't really deal with or try and understand - waving cakes in front of a diabetics face, helpful? hmmmm, they may like the cake but short term gain, big not so short term pain.....

Then there are the friends that surround us who would benefit if a win was big enough - the friends who in the past year have set up an internet shop that is now big enough to support a real shop. The friends who are trying to move to a small holding but can not find buyers for their own house. The other friends whose relationship seems to be growing more distant....

A massive influx of money would change their lives too.....

So patience on the journey, the train will get there when it does... and I just know that this train is going to the country, taking us on a holiday.... somewhere nice and we are all going together...

Sunday, 12 December 2010

Food

In the Summer, we love to sit out. It doesn't get dark until late so staying up past my bed time doesn't feel so tough. We went out a couple of nights and the last was a late one - particularly after the drive home. This has just left me feeling bleurgh. It upsets my sleep pattern, this being sociable. So not much been going on with me the rest of the weekend.

The food was beautiful on the second night. Nice but not outstanding on the first ( a huge lump of ginger is not a nice thing to find yourself chewing). The company consisted of old, close and valued friends on the first night - adopted family.... I knew none of the people on Friday, so although nice, it wasn't as comfy....

I also seem to have a strange thing wrong with my ankle. Most of the time it doesn't hurt and I can walk normally. Then all of a sudden, one step, no different to any other, weight goes down on my ankle and it kills.... but only when I have weight on it. I can walk on tip toe. So I am couch potato and a sleepy one at that.

Wow is still taking up time. I have slotted back in to my guild and my role play. My main character has been welcomed back with many hugs and her boyfriend is still there, waiting for her. But my heart is with a new character.... I even wrote a little introduction for her and then invited others to join in and that has been quite fun.

I am tired, I want to hibernate and hide away. I am so glad the holiday time off will start soon. I can't wait.....

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

Dream World

One nice benefit of playing WoW again is that I am spending more time with F. Our activities are in sync. I have spent most of the evening running around the virtual world with him and another friend and it was good.

What is surprising though, is how intense and tiring I am finding WoW. I guess this is why i burn out on it eventually. It is too much for me.... This is why I have to keep it in moderation....

So I am going to make a list of things I want to do over the weekend and I am going to do them and play some WoW too....

I may not write any posts the next couple of days, or play WoW either. The Christmas social whirl is beginning and I am looking forward to having some fun with friends! As well as some good food.....

I am still dreaming, still writing them down, although my memory frustrates me. I am planning on doing a mass analysis of them this weekend and see what I get. I am really interested in the one where I go to another planet with someone, in order to cover myself in clay that gives me super powers including the ability to fly..... *grin*

Don't you just love dreams? The crazy, crazy things the mind comes up with..... No sign of lucidity though but then I am not sure I feel entirely comfortable with that idea yet. I am happy getting to know my dream landscape a bit more before I try to consciously navigate it. Maybe I am a bit scared by it.... or not scared, daunted.

Why do we teach kids to stop dreaming?

Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Life......

I didn't sleep well last night. I woke in the middle of the night to find Little Dog squeezed right up between us. And she was very, very hot. Not surprisingly, so was I. And then I was very awake too.

I hadn't gotten to sleep last night at quite the right time either. So this morning I was awoken by my alarm, rather than awaking at the end of a sleep cycle. So I felt kinda blurry....

Then my car was frozen on the inside.

Then I got to the shop only to have my card refused. It's seems my account got an upgrade and they sent out a card that I never received but also, fortunately, never got used. So now I have to wait for a new card to arrive. F, the darling has agreed to lend me some money....

So I was late to work. Work was OK and I got home and played World of Warcraft for the first time in months which was nice, but odd..... My old guild never closed the door but people move on, form new links, you turn up again, where do you fit? It takes time....

In the past I would play every hour I could of every day. I do not want to go back there. I really do not. After a few hours I found myself feeling tired and my enjoyment had waned a lot, so I walked away. I am determined to keep that ability.

I wasn't in the mood for threading stars anyway!

Monday, 6 December 2010

Sleep Tight

I have a troublesome history with sleep. Having had glandular fever at 14 and then a recurrence at 19 which turned into Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or ME or whatever you wish to call it, I have spent a lot of my life asleep. I think I missed out on things when I was younger because I slept but then again, maybe sleeping stopped me from experiencing way too much! I partied hard, despite being ill, imagine if I had not had to sleep sooo much....

When I first met F, nearly eight years ago, I still needed the occasional nap at weekends or when I got home from work. I was probably still sleeping ten hours a day and that had gone considerably - there was a point when I was only awake for ten hours a day. It has been slow progress but I have been getting there. I rarely nap now and my sleep was down to a maximum of nine hours a night.

Thing is, you read about sleep and you soon come across the apparent fact that too much sleep is as bad for you as not enough. And I was still having too much really. Sometimes if I was feeling enthusiastic about stuff, I would go through a phase of waking up earlier - maybe at six but it would not last. Before long my sleep would be drawn out with a foggy, snoozy bit that didn't leave me feeling good really.

Something in my sleep has changed though, with this onset of dreaming. Apparently we have sleep cycles. Each cycle is approximately one and a half hours long and ends with a period REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep during which we dream. Becoming more conscious of my dreams has resulted in the end of my sleep coming much more cleanly. That last sleep cycle comes along, I dream, the dream ends and I wake, straight from the dream. No half hearted attempt at another sleep cycle which ends badly.... You see, to feel rested you need to wake at the end of a sleep cycle, and being conscious of my dreams helps me do this....

The time I wake varies but I can see it is a pretty constant amount of time from when I actually managed to fall asleep. Before I used to fill the available amount of time with sleep.... The only thing that would wake me except for the alarm was the sun... Dreaming is helping me to learn how to sleep in a more healthy way, and that I never expected. I feel better and happier for it to. Who would have expected that the final piece of the answer to my long term sleep issues would be dreaming?

Sunday, 5 December 2010

The End

You know what it's like when something that has taken up an awful lot of time comes to an end. You are half relieved, half sad. What do you do with your time now? The more intense the experience, the more tricky it is when it suddenly all comes to a stop.

I remember when I finished my degree. I had had four years of intense experience. I had a year out in the middle - I had an abscess that had to come out and that set me too behind to continue my final year. But I worked and one of those jobs was at the College and the other turned into the basis of one of my final year projects. So my studies were never far behind me.

All that effort and work. I got a first. I won a prize. But it was a very odd experience, finishing. It suddenly didn't mean much. It still doesn't feel like much, although I am proud of it, I do wonder what it was all for, all that work. My graduation day was a strange empty day. It took me by surprise.

I loved my studies, i found them so interesting. Not sure I would have worked quite so hard, been so ruthlessly dedicated if I had realised how little that title of first would mean in the end.

I made myself ill in my final year. I became quite depressed. I started to gain weight and that hasn't really stopped. OK, so some of that was due to giving up smoking but....

But once I stopped studying, I realised there was little else left. All my hobbies had gone....

BIG only lasted six weeks but it was a pretty intense six weeks. Getting through all the exercises, all that paint! Then there was the tribe itself - a bunch of amazing women. Although our NING site is still operating for the moment, the amount of activity has dropped, not quite to nothing, but close.... Some days at the height I would have 100 fearless emails awaiting me, notifying me of new comments and other things going on....

So here I am now and I have my life back and normality can reassert itself. I put away all my paintings today. I am going to let them rest a little. Then I shall come back to them maybe, see which ones I like, which ones I feel like doing something else with, which ones ight end up on a wall.... maybe....

Apart from my Christmas Creativity - which I needed to do anyway - I need to get back to using my Wii Fit. What shape do I want my life to take now? A new beginning - or is that BIGinning?

Day 5 and Seeing Stars....

I was inspired by Rowenna's glittery stars and I thought some would look nice dangling from some strig hanging from our mantlepiece. I soon found some pre-cut stars upstairs in my craft stash. I had forgotten all about them.

We have a shop down here called Trago Millsand they buy bankrupt stock etc from all over the place. Some of their stock is so ancient, while other stuff is so new.... You never know what you are going to find. One time they had some little plastic draw units stuffed full of random craft stuff. They were going pretty cheap so I got one even though I had no idea what was in it...

It was jam packed with card kits, stickers, glitter, a big jar of embossing powder, brads, finishing bits... endless things.... and some little packs of pre-cut shapes that never ever inspired me. So I had never touched them. So I had a pack of maybe a hundred stars, with one side white and the other green, blue, pink, yellow or lilac.

I began by paitning them all with irridescent paint on both sides. Then I painted some of them with interference paint in blue, green or violet on both sides. Then I used my glue pen and started sprinkling glitter..... silver, blue and white.... Then I started punching little holes for white cotton. I have a length of silver stuff for them to dangle off. I had planned to do all this today but to be honest, I have gotten a bit bored! Time to have a break and do something else for a bit.....

I had hoped for a complete project each day but I don't think that is so very likely!

Saturday, 4 December 2010

BIG Roundup

Six weeks of BIG creativity! In no particular order.... I don't think this gives away Connie's material. Hope you enjoy them!
























Christmas Creativity Catchup

OK, I found my lead so here we have some very, very bad pictures of my creativity.

Day 2

Firstly we have the bracelet I finished off for my Mum. Hex beads in purple, green and blue in a herringbone pattern. I bought a hammered silver catch which needed sewing on.



Next we have millefiori beads, three for each earring, each placed on a headpin - although some of the heads were chopped off and turned into hooks instead. I had a whole string of these beads and they are all sorts of colours so although I tried to select beads that match, the two earrings are different....


Day 3

Five spherical labradorite beads separated by silver matte double delicas. I used thread for these so at the bottom there are three tiny silver matte delicas forming a picot.



Day 4

A very simple pair the beads are amber glass with a band of gold and silver foil. They are threaded on head pins with little silver spherical beads.

Going DEEPer?

BIG has been fantastic, it really has. Connie's material is amazing and the group of women I have found myself with are incredible. There is sooo much good feeling and wonderfulness floating around. Connie's further packages sound awesome. The Tribe for a month with a huge resource backlog to enjoy and DEEP an inspiring continuation of BIG, developing our individual FEARLESS voices as artists.

Except...

A little voice is whispering to me and it is saying no.

DEEP is probably very good value for money but it is hugely expensive in real terms. I could afford it for January. I could. If I scrimped over Christmas and my family and food.... I could if I was prepared to be pretty damn poor for the next two months. It might even be that some nice member of my family might give me the means to pay for it as a Christmas present.

But... if that much money fell in to my life right now, would DEEP be the best thing I could spend it on? A new laptop. The tools for making rag rugs. A new wardrobe system so we can stop storing clothes in plastic bags.

I have learnt that I need to focus on one maybe two things at a time. Working means I just don't have the time and energy for more than that. I have spent the last six weeks painting my little heart out. It has been great and I have learnt a lot, it has opened doors inside of me. But is this the path I want to follow further, to the exclusion of other things?

No, not right now. Maybe later. Maybe if I win the lottery and have lots of money and time. Maybe at some other time it will call to me.

What astounds me is that my horoscope for today was talking about having been frivolous with money and how this was a mistake and I needed to see about reversing some of those financial indiscretions. I was stumped for a moment until I remembered the financial indiscretion I was being tempted to make and in that moment it confirmed to me that my answer should be no. But no never has to be final.

I may do DEEP later in the year, but January is not the time for me, unless things change....

Friday, 3 December 2010

If Excuses were Little Dogs

Another pair of earrings tonight for day 3 of the Christmas challenge... and still no cord.

Part of this is the fault of Little Dog. I need to sort through the assorted hobby stuff by the sofa where I sit. I slouch there covered in duvet and the duvet tends to drape itself generously on the floor next to the sofa. And tonight, for the first time in weeks, Little Dog came and joined me.

Before the fireworks she would come snooze on my legs every evening. Then when I went to bed, she would go and sleep on the duvet on the floor in the room where F plays on the pc. She likes to share herself between the pair of us. Then when F comes to bed, she comes to and snuggles up with us. Well unless F is taking too long, then she comes to bed early.

But the fireworks terrify her and she goes and hides. And then for weeks after, she hides, waiting for them to come back again. At about 9ish she decides it is past time and she comes out of hiding and slinks off somewhere to sleep, normally under the stairs, where she has one of those big plastic beds, full of old wooly blankets. Under the stairs is safe from draughts and right opposite a radiator and a very good place for a snooze.

So tonight, F and I got a Chinese and we ate together and there was no spare room on the sofa but she decided to come and join us anyway. She flopped on the overflowing duvet, and when F left to play on the pc, she never left. And after so many weeks, I was not willing to move and risk having her leave.

Luckily, I keep various things next to the sofa, including my lap tray with beading things on it but I wasn't prepared to rifle through it all again to try and find the cord. So how's that for an excuse for no photos? *laugh*

I will find the cord tomorrow and post catchup photos.

Todays earrings are made using spherical labradorite beads with matte silver grey double delicas inbetween threaded onto some silver coloured thread attahced to the ear wires via a wire guardian. Oh and at the other end of the drop are three little delicas in a picot to hold all the beads on.

Soooo tomorrow..... Sleep well and dream happily.

Thursday, 2 December 2010

Snippets

OK - so I finished off the bracelet for my Mum. I sewed on the clasp and finished all the knots. Then I figured I had time for a pair of earrings - three square millefori beads threaded onto head pins with added hooks and dangled from ear wires. I even took photos. But the cable has vanished - and I only had it last night and it was right here! So creativity photo catch up tomorrow - or the weekend if the cable still won't give itself up!

Unfortunately I am out of time - my bed calls. My only remaining decision, given that F is not working over night, tonight, is whether or not hot water bottles would be too much with him in the bed as well. They were soooo lovely last night. Socks to protect me from the lovely stone one by my feet and Oswald the cuddly croc protecting me from the second one and snuggling me all night long.

I didn't really remember my dreams from last night - no drama, no big messages. A peaceful night. A small snippet that was heavily influenced by the TV show Fringe and featured two schoolgirls is about all I awoke with. More along the theme of shadows with a sprinkling of duality? Not enough to do anything with really.... Let's see what dreams come tonight!

BIG is progressing. The background to my last painting during BIG is done. I added some details tonight - then the phone went. Tomorrow night I have some details to add over the top. Then I might scrawl with my pastels and then the final finishing touches.... I have learnt soooo much about paint by playing within BIG.

I am looking forward to reclaiming the space my BIG painting has been occupying because this is where I shall put the tree at the weekend. Always a fun job!

Anyway, I am sat here yawning my head off! Night night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite!

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

The First Day of Christmas Creativity


I signed up for Rowena's 25 Days of Creativity for Christmas and I found myself a little short of time tonight... I just had to pick up the paint brush and slap some readymix around for BIG! This weeks painting is now drying because I want to add further layers as the week progresses.

I have a bracelet I was going to finish - put the catch on and sort the threads but my niece called for a chat. Instead I made one of the pairs of earrings I have planned for my Sister. They took about five minutes...

My camera is awful at close up photo's but these earrings are made using two large black beads with silver scribbles on them. They have been placed on head pins with a small spherical silver bead at each end. I used my round nosed pliers to make a hook at the end and connected the head pins to the ear wires with a split ring.

Expect to see more earrings on evenings when I do not have time to do much else! My Sister asked for earrings and earrings she will get!

See the picture on my blog for a link to the challenge!

Dreaming the Shadow

Beware, this is likely to be a long one - full of pseudo psych babble and the like!

Last night I dreamt, this is no surprise, but those dreams disturbed me, a lot. In one I was keeping a dead man's body in my washing machine. In the other, a convalescing soldier nearly raped a school girl - sort of.... Not easy dreams. No way I was not going to analyse them, you get dreams meant to disturb you like that for a reason....

The message form the first dream went as follows - Shadow killed with love. But parts of it have been kept. The memories are spoiling life a little but are being kept clean. Time to go further and remove them completely. Love can remove the majority but the root has to be attacked piece by piece and given a really hard time.

This refers to a very particular shadow I believe, that steaming back to my late teens and the older man who was a very recent ex. He raped me and as much as I have a normal relationship now and I have dealt with the flesh of that experience, some of the bones are lingering. Over a decade of hard work, nearly two and it is time...

The second and third are in many ways more interesting and less straight forward. They offer some intriguing insights into the way my head works and I love all this stuff. These two lead straight on from each other and this is how it goes....

There was a group of convalescing soldiers - the sort that have seen hard battle in defence of their land. A haggard, close - knit group, some a little crazy, all sorts of folk who have been to hell and back but would still fight to defend their country. The group got separated and in order to get back together, they played loud brass instruments (as bold as brass, *laugh*). One of them, a little more damaged, a little more crazy than the others decided to bomb a nasty old nurse's vegetable with a cannon ball.

Then the dream flipped to a group of girls, young, fresh-faced, naive, spirited. School-girls, maybe nurses. They slept at school, hospital, nursing school, whatever and one of them decided to be a little rebellious and try and smuggle some kittens in. This caused her to be separated from the group and she ended up escorting the crazy convalescing soldier along with Dr Gregory House, via horse drawn cart. Then she had premonitions of being in a place and the soldier trying to rape her and then the group was arriving in that place and he tried to rape her but House sedated him and I woke up....

So the meanings I took from these.... My shadow self has had a hard time protecting me. It is good at this, co-ordinated but unruly. My shadow was divided but was bold and is recovering but is focused on the wrong enemy, sees the self as the enemy. My feminine self is learning, young, healing but rebellious. My shadow, self and higher consciousness are moving slowly together. My self has knowledge and knows where she is. Shadow attacks self and is sedated by higher consciousness.

I find the way I am starting to understand how my mind portrays parts of itself as intriguing.... My shadow turned up once before and he was a nameless, faceless man. Now I have a whole group of nameless faceless men, shadows. My feminine archetypes are so naive, so protected. That nurse the soldiers saw as mean, nasty and old - oh she is a crone for sure.... And House, he is my Higher Consciousness - or an aspect of it...

This all kind of reminds me of something from many years ago. I used to have a real problem with anger. As a kid I went through a very unhappy time at school. I was young and my unhappiness showed itself as temper. I would lose control, see red. I hated it. I learnt not to feel anger, completely and utterly.

Then the bad things happened, destroyed my naive little view of the world, destroying the way my mind understood the world. I eventually had a nervous breakdown and from there I had to re-build how I saw everything, how I thought it all worked. Somewhere in this process, I started feeling anger, huge great bubbling bouts of it.

A friend helped me. We did an exercise where I spoke to my anger. It was astounding! My anger turned out to be a terribly sad aspect of myself. It had tried to defend me and being a child's anger, all it's understanding was that of a child's, it got things wrong, but it was always just trying to defend me, and I banished it, disowned it, hurt it and I had to welcome it back, to love it, this shadow of myself. Now my anger is that of an adult, with an adult's understanding....

My shadows, they are all like my anger, all parts of me that have only ever done their best to defend me. The disturbed and wounded soldiers. Having trouble with reality. Protecting me as best they know how - and let's face it, they are war veterans - what do they know of love? But they have the power to hurt me, to damage me through their lack of understanding, but never through lack of love, just lack of understanding and acceptance. They love me, I just have to love them back.

But it seems, one of my shadows is ruining some things for me, is getting out of control. My higher consciousness has sedated it to protect me, but sedation is only temporary. Some crazy shadow is going to come round and need dealing with, probably soon. And all those other shadows to, I need to own them, to love and accept them back as well. They are what is stopping me from having my perfect life, my BIG life, they are scared for me.

I analysed my dream first thing this morning and then had a shower. As i came back in to the lounge, there was some Simpsons clips showing. Smithers was being told to hug his shadow, and he did, he got down on the floor and hugged it... How appropriate - how right....

It also takes me back to a night of dreams last week - a hurt stray black dog that got eaten by a shark (my damaged shadow self?) and a buff coloured pup I had to defend as it was going to be killed because it would not hunt (my normal self - weak and lacking teeth). I guess if I had listened the first time, I might not have had to have had the far more disturbing dreams I received last night. I think there are a lot of lessons here..... Now I just have to figure out how to make friends with my shadows.....

Tuesday, 30 November 2010

Snow White

I....

I feel drained....

Work was fine today - busy - but fine. Catching up on stuff I missed yesterday, running around like a blue arsed fly. Emotional too.

I got to leave early and returned to my icy street.

Weather in Cornwall always amazes me. We are a loooong peninsula sticking out South West to collect the Gulf Stream with all it's warmth and rain. Depending on the direction of things, the weather here varies. We have a backbone of granite with spiky hills, topped with weathered blocks and moorland. Weather gets stuck on them, literally, clouds condense and form rain all over them. These hills trap the weather in a way as well. Raining on the South coast? Go to the North coast instead. I look up and quite often you can see the edge of the weather above.

At the end of the peninsula there are two toes - The Lizard is the Southerly toe and Penwith is the westerly toe with Land's End. Quite often the weather on the toes is different to that on the North or South coast....

The biggest hill is called Brown Willy and is found on Bodmin Moor. Bodmin Moor catches the worst of the weather, because of it's height. Unfortunately / fortunately it acts as a bit of a barrier. Being long and thin, Cornwall has one really good road, the A30, and a handful of decentish A roads that are much, much slower. The A30 goes straight over Bodmin moor. If it snows anywhere in Cornwall, it is generally there. If Cornwall is going to get cut off, it is Bodmin Moor that will do it.

but well, the strange geography of Cornwall mean that the weather can always surprise you. It can change pretty quick, it can do odd things. Weather is very local down here. One friend told me that one day it was raining at the front of her house, but not at the back.

I was talking with a driver today. His gaffer told him that there was blizzards in Cornwall. He got all the way to Devon with out seeing more than a sprinkling. To many people Devon is out of the way but there is still many a mile from there to here.....

He got to Bodmin Moor, a sprinkling again, but nothing that caused any difficulty, nothing at all. He was a bit bemused by this point. On he came, Roche and his gaffer called and said, they are shutting early due to weather, will you get there by 4? You best turn back. The driver looked around him at the lack of snow, less than an hour from arriving.

He kept on, and all of a sudden, he reached the top of a hill and there it all was......

This snow seems to have come from the West and is worse the further West you go. Normally it is warmer the further west you go, and wetter. Not colder and more frozen.

One colleague at work was, it seems a bit snide about my inability to get to work yesterday, because someone else form the same town got in. But they lived lower down the hill, closer to the big main road, the right side of town not to have to go through it, did not see the gridlock surrounding my home.... Work today and the roads cleared nicely throughout the day. A few miles away, my street is icebound and treacherous and unmelted, even at the end of the day. The hill that steepens suddenly next to our house is only for the brave! (on foot or by car)

I have seen photo's from Penwith taken in the last few days and they look like they have even more of the white stuf than we do. The only thing I think that makes it a little less treacherous is the white stuff has stayed whiter and not half melted there. But boy, does it look beautiful!

This is so odd for Cornwall, which has odd weather by most peoples standards.... And Snow with thunder and lightning? I don't think any of us remember that before! Is it common in other places?

Monday, 29 November 2010

Dream Job

So last night, I asked my dreams to tell me life purpose. I think that was asking too much - too much information - more than is currently available. Instead i got information on the underlying question - about my job.

I dreamt I was jobless and I got a job in a local fishing shop on Saturday evenings. Only I knew nothing about fishing and no one much came in, so I sat on my butt while my new Boss served the sole customer - mudskunk lures or some such that I knew nothing about.

So the following week I turn up to see my Boss as I had heard nothing and he sacked me cos I had done nothing and was exceedingly unimpressive.

My cousin came to visit and wanted to go fishing so I took him to a lake. At some point my cousin turned into my love, who was local and part of fishing circles locally. This meant I got to socialise with my old Boss, around a camp fire eating fondue and he glowered at me a lot.

So it goes like this, every phrase and word is separated and examined for it's isolated meaning, these are then strung together and the message can be extracted....

So jobless = without purpose, fishing shop job = dull opportunity, saturday evening = gets in the way of other good things in life, not very busy = serves little purpose, sat there most of the shift = achieves little. This all turns into - Lacking in purpose, my current opportunity is dull and gets in the way of good things and achieves little.

Each part of the dream or dreams seems to form a sentence. The other three sentences are as follows - I am dutiful but lack support and am unsuited to what I do and then feel not good enough. Searching for nature, creativity, spirit and family. I may not feel like I belong, may face adveristy in trying to belong but through my love I will make connections and gain community and warmth.

Soooo I still loathe my job, i still feel stuck. While last nights dream gives me hope for the future it does not tell me what to do, what I should be doing. There are no answers here, a gentle hug maybe. I guess I am not meant to know the answers yet. I guess it isn't time to leave yet, but I so wish it was.

I should have gone to work this afternoon really - the snow stopped and melted a little. The roads were probably quiet. I am sure that I am going to get some frowning when I do next go in. I didn't achieve much staying home either. I ate some of the stew I made yesterday and surfed the net a little, oh and cleared down my Sky+.....

All I gained was some guilt and anxiety about tomorrow.... I have no answers.

I have always felt that I was supposed to stay in this job for some reason, that the time had not come to leave - how will I know when it is? Will my dreams tell me? Will my heart tell me?

Snow Storm

It has been an icky cold weekend....

Today is a work day and I should be at work.

I woke early and got up at quarter to seven. We have a big window on our landing and all I could see was snow. I let the dog out, got a drink and crawled back to bed. Then something even more unusual than snow happened. Lightning and thunder - with snow! I never remember that happening before. A snow storm....

So I contacted my Boss, not much help there.

I figured I should set about going to work....

I live on a long street, parallel to the main road, I live at one end of it and over the weekend, my car was parked on the end which slopes. I got outside to find a small lorry half blocking my road, wheel spinning in the slush until it slid back against the kerb. I had to roll down the hill a little, towards the van, reversing in to my road a little. I then had to pull out of my road and slid down hill to the main road.

It then took me 15 minutes to get to the end of that. Nothing was moving at the roundabout much. Town was gridlocked. I bypassed the traffic by turning right, called my Boss and then came home. My Boss was battling in, they don't have to go through town to get there but the going was tough....

So now I am at home, knowing that some people have made it to work, knowing that as long as work is open, I am not going to be paid for today. I am not sure how I feel about today. The thunder and lightning came back and the snow never really stopped.... It is cold. Should I feel guilty for not going to work?

Hardly any cars on my street have moved, plenty of other people have not moved. I am not sure I would have been doing anything that important today, if I had been there and I did start to go.....

Sunday, 28 November 2010

Frost Full Moon Dreamboard


I did this on the full moon but only got round to scanning it today....

Go here to see more with the wonderful Jamie Ridler.

Reason

OK so I had four separate dream experiences that I could remember. I followed the process of writing them as phrases or words and then looking at each phrase or word separately for what it means to me. Then you string these meanings together to find the message....

Sounds simple right? I think this needs practice - the parts of my mind will learn together how to make the messages clearer. I will learn my inner symbols in time and this should all become easier?

For instance the other night there were two separate dreams involving lost, hurt, needy dogs.... Last night I was walking in the city in two separate dreams. I think the city represents my mind. Memories, knowledge and experiences neatly organised into high rise buildings, connected by roads and underpasses....

So these are my four messages from my dreams...

  • Look in the unconscious for real, concrete potential for life, look for solidity and strength.
  • If you dig at things sometimes there are forces working against you, the shadow. You have to work at things from behind but you will have help and there will be cleansing.
  • Some problems, the unconscious mind does not perceive as danger. You may look for explanations but sometimes it is not time for you to know consciously but your higher consciousness knows and is working on the problem.
  • I am learning to bring together my unconscious parts for nourishment and pleasure. There will be guides here as to who I want to be, this is a gateway to learning.

So how does this all relate to the dream subject I was incubating? The problem of my energy levels - why am I always tired? What is wrong with me?

and the answer? Not very simple is it? but sorting out my energy levels is obviously no easy problem. Re looking at my dreams is interesting as the interpretation is changing as I read and think and this is how it comes together.

The problem and the solution lie in my unconscious. The unconscious is responsible for all the automatic processes of the body and mind and something that they are doing automatically is causing problems, now my higher conscious knows there is a problem it is working on it. Much of the solution lies in my unconscious, look for strength and solidity and learn to bring aspects of my unconscious together. My shadow is working against me but in facing him, there will be cleansing.

The dreams themselves are not important because, to you they would mean something very different.....

False Awakening

I am beginning to wonder why my dreaming progress is so quick. Is it just that it was the right time - years of curiousity about my special dreams, coupled with a healthy dose of intention? Is it a gift from spirit? A natural talent? Something I am remembering from a past life?

And it is quick - a week ago I was lucky if I was aware of one dream a night!

Last night, i thought at some point in the night how I had not had any dreams and I was a bit disappointed - and then I remembered them. I had gone to sleep with the stated intention of receiving some answers about my lack of energy. Now I need to interpret the dreams I remember from last night.

I am starting to understand that for me the line between dreaming and waking is somewhat blurred already. I think while I am a sleep and remember those thoughts. I can have reached a conclusion about a dream or something and remember it when I wake and know that I thought it. I have rewritten the ends of dreams previously, consciously.

One thing I have read is that there is no point trying to develop lucid dreaming until you can remember two dreams per night because what is the point in dreaming lucidly if you can not remember it? The experiences of the writers of the book suggested that it would be obvious that you were lucid dreaming - they woke themselves up with their own excitement.

I woke up this morning with the possibility that I started lucid dreaming and woke up straight away after. I have just read something on Wikipedia that gives another possibility, one not mentioned in my book - false awakening.

It seems that a lot of people who dream lucidly, dream they wake up. This is quite a cunning way of dreams trapping us! It can however lead to bedwetting and the like because people think they are awake, but they are not....

So last night I was asleep, I was dreaming and I remember thinking 'I AM DREAMING!' but then nothing happened, the dream stopped. I was just lying there with my eyes shut so I thought oh well, I was obviously awake, opened my eyes, shut them and went back to sleep. Except, I am not convinced I was awake.... I wonder what would have happened if I had gotten up? Gone out? Would I have felt cold snow under my feet?

I never expected my first lucid dream world to be just like this one. I never expected nothing to happen!

Clearly though, this dreaming, there is a lot to learn, no matter how smoothly things appear to be going, how quickly....

But I also have to work out my own personal symbology for the dreams I had last night and I don't think that is any simple thing...

Saturday, 27 November 2010

Dream BIG

I wrote this post on the BIG blog today and thought I would post it here as well..... Even though a lot of this is not so new here...

Something has opened inside me. A door, a flood gate. But open all the same, no matter what it is. The change has not happened in my waking life, but in my dream life.

I have always had the occasional powerful dream. A couple of years ago for instance I had a dream where I had two beautiful big guardian dogs and some firm authoritative figure wanted to take one of them. Three weeks later one of my two beloved dogs, slipped and couldn't walk properly. On going to the vet it turned out that a bone cancer had been hidden in his shoulder joint...

Suddenly this last week or two, my dreams have been picking up a pace, not just the normal dream drivel either but the occasional dream of the other sort to. One morning I dreamt someone was telling me I should learn only one thing at a time and I had a choice. I saw a book and each page was something I could learn. The first was cooking (I can cook just fine but I don't think it meant THAT sort of cooking...) a few pages I can not remember and then a page entitled dreaming. And then my beloved's alarm went off...

I bought a book called Dreaming Realities by Julie Silverthorn and John Overdurf and this has been very interesting so far. Obviously I can not share all the material here but it can be divided into parts, the first part deals with the science of sleep, the second with some techniques and the third with more detailed instructions. The techniques I have read about so far are incubation, interpretation and lucid dreaming but it is incubation and interpretation I wanted to talk about here...

because it reminded me of BIG.

Incubation is all about asking your dreams questions. Interpretation is all about understanding your own personal symbology. The book talks about dreams being from the higher consciousness. The message goes through to the unconscious which turns it into a dream which the conscious mind can interpret. I think that what we have learnt in BIG is the same thing, except the unconscious turns the message into art....

So I am working on my art and my dreaming and they are kind of meeting in the middle. I have no idea where the two will take me, for surely my life can not remain unchanged with such forces at work?

Friday, 26 November 2010

Fanatic

I love people with thoughts and opinions. I love people who can have a discussion. I don't neccessarily want them to end up agreeing with me. I want to be able to talk and discuss. I want them not to get frustrated and angry that I don't come round to their point of view. I want to be able to end a good discussion with an amicable agreement to disagree or agree or anything inbetween as appropriate.

People have a right to believe whatever they want. I can quite often see both sides of the fence. The world is full of grey, very few things are truly white or black. It is the shades of grey that make everything else look more beautiful. The shades of grey are beautiful.

Every so often, a lovely reasonable person, with interesting views and opinions takes that step. That step to far (as far as I am concerned) and becomes a fanatic. Fanaticism by it's very nature excludes other viewpoints, refuses to accept others may have any validity to their point of view. Fanatics often get so wrapped up in whatever they are fanatical about that all else gets excluded from their lives, it is an unhealthy, unbalanced way to be.

We all have things we can be a little fanatical about and the use of that word is like a little warning bell, be careful, watch your step, this is becoming unhealthy.

But.....

We need fanatics. They are utterly fearless, they challenge society, they make things change by their severe determination. If you belong to the same religion as your fanatic you would perceive them as being right. If you are a fellow environmentalist, then fanatical environmentalism seems brave and right.

But...

Fanatics have to have ethics mixed up with their fanatical viewpoints. They have to have limits to what they will do in pursuit of their views. They need to have sympathy for human frailities.

I believe in the environmental cause. I really do, scientifically, to me, so much of it makes sense. I want to live a more environmentally friendly life. I am happy to accept half measures. A company that has tackled one environmental aspect can be supported. They are more worthy than the company who pays environmental causes no heed but probably a lot more accessible to the average member of the public than a solution which is entirely great in it's environmental credentials.

I would love to live in an eco-house but they cost money. I have done some things.... we have loft insulation and double glazing. We use energy saving lightbulbs (and have for years). We turn off lights. We use Ecover washing products. I use Lush toiletries whenever I can. We recycle. We have a whole bunch of secondhand items in our home. Progress is slow but one day, one day we will make another step. These little steps are all valuable in their own right. Imagine if everyone was able to make these few steps that I have?

But to the fanatic, my little steps probably don't count for much.


(and I have no idea where todays subject came from or why.)

Thursday, 25 November 2010

Homesick

Sometimes I feel like a bad daughter, a bad aunt, a bad sister.....

My family are so far away and I miss them but I am awful at keeping in contact with them. They know me and they know I am bad at keeping in contact. And when it comes down to it, I got this from somewhere..... They are used to late present parcels as well....

But when I speak to them I get to hear their pain, their underlying problems, and I can't help but wonder if I was a better Aunt, a better Sister, a better Daughter, if things would be better? But there problems are things I can not solve, I can not change, it is just life. Living closer would not change it.

I could hear them all talking in the background as the family split in two, those staying and those returning to their own home and there was so much laughter. I think that living on top of each other for so long, they don't necessarily see and appreciate all these little things that I miss so much.

And I do miss them. Sometimes I get so lonely. I have the fantastic F but he works shifts. And I have friends but they all have their own lives... their children, their horse, their second job. I would love to be able to pop to the shops with my Sister, join my Mum for a walk, go and do some dog things with my Dad, listen to music and dance with my niece and play on computers with my nephew.

The little things of life.

Family.

Wednesday, 24 November 2010

Day Dream

I read last night that you need to be at the point where you can recall at least one dream a night before you start stepping further forward on the dreaming path. So last night I dreamt. I had a single dream last night. Well sort of. It was one dream across more than one period of dream sleep. Kind of unusual for me to remember that and for it to carry on.

What counts as lucid dreaming? I was aware, I think that I was dreaming. I was able to work out some of the inconsistencies of my dream while asleep, without stopping the dream, just sitting back and seeing where it went. But despite all that, it did not feel very conscious at all. It was not a vibrant, strong dream.

Not an interesting one really, not one I would be very bothered about remembering or writing down. Should I make an effort to write such dreams down? Should I lie still and cling to those dream details desperately before they fade ad I can move?

I am sure most of the world has heard that Prince William is getting married to a lady called Kate. William is nicknamed Wills. My dream was all about Kate and Wills. Except Wills became Will, a boy I knew and had a huge crush on when I was a teen. In the dream The Prince had turned into some wierd combination of the two. I had a conversation with Kate about what he was like when he was younger, this boy who lived across the field. And that is the only real detail that has stuck this long.

I guess I should try hard with all my dreams right now, seeing as I am trying to learn more. But where do I want dreaming to take me? What are the benefits of lucid dreaming? Is that where I should be trying to get? I picked up Carlos Castenada this morning and flicked through and I can not say as I want to go the same places he went.

You know, my dreams are much more interesting than my waking life right now....

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

Dreaming

I could feel a voice talking to me (feel rather than hear because I could not tell you what the voice sounded like, it just was). The voice told me that I should only try to learn one thing at a time and that I had a choice. There was a book, a witches book of knowledge. The pages started to turn so I could see the headings of each, like being shown a prospectus. I remember the first I saw was cooking - I guess the art of the Kitchen Witch? The next few pages didn't get my juices flowing because I could not remember what the topics were, although I have no doubt there were topics there. And then came the page with the title Dreaming and my heart leapt. And in that moment, some music blared and dragged me from my sleep. I lay there, listening to F's alarm and feeling the light of the moon on my face from the window.

I have been happy all day, because of that dream.

I believe that you can learn things, but in order to be really good at something, you have to have an aptitude. I guess the dream explained what has started happening with my dreams this last week or so. I have always been a strong dreamer but things seem to be getting stronger. It also made it very clear that everything is my choice and that struck a cord as well....

I never understood what happened last year. On my birthday I seemed to be sinking deeper in to it all. I found my stang, made of rowan. It all felt powerful and then all of a sudden I was so ill and I felt this urge to walk away again. Then I chose to come back and suddenly everything is kicking off again, more than before. I don't fully understand what was going on with this year away but I think there is a strong link to choice here. I guess I could have stayed at the level of faith I was at but I stepped forward and I claimed myself as a green witch.

Now two things have been sparking stuff I believe this last few weeks - firstly BIG has taught me how to use art to explore myself and ask questions and some of the things coming back have been real interesting. Secondly, I bought a crystal pendant in the shape of a quarter moon. I have started wearing it all the time, tied on a waxed cotton thong.

Back to BIG - my current picture is of ME or of some aspects of me or even possibilities of me. I was bemused to find her arms cradling her head and that to the knowledge that she was in repose, maybe asleep. Now I know she is asleep, but not blind, not unseeing. Sleep is such a big part of who I am.

So what does dreaming mean? I have no idea really. I know my dreams are rich in symbology. I know sometimes they give me warnings. I know sometimes they try to help. It may take me my entire life to learn, who knows.

The first book that came to mind is Carlos Castaneda's The Art of Dreaming. I believe I have it somewhere. I never read it, although I read his other books. I don't know why, maybe the time was wrong. But now I need to find it. I also ordered another online tonight - Dreaming Realities. I shall start exploring the meaning of dreaming there and trying to learn how I can be a better, fuller dreamer and what that means.

Maybe one day I will get to see some of the other pages of that book and delve within it again. Maybe the skills of a kitchen witch will call to me one day. Strange really, you hear of many witchy aspects, but not many talk of dreaming and here I am, called to and answering. Where will it take me?

And next time I dream the lottery numbers, will I be able to remember more than one? (and yes, that number did come up the following night)

Monday, 22 November 2010

Blood and Frost under the Full Moon

Another one of those nights when I sit here at the keyboard and I just start typing, waiting for something to appear, something to start pouring out. I am tired. Today was just an ordinary day. Nothing interesting, no exciting thoughts.

I would like to talk about my full moon dreamboard but I have not scanned it in yet and without showing it there seems little point.

So lets talk about the previous one!

Well blogger is playing up and won't let me upload the photos again but I posted them before with the full moon dreamboard tag.

The colours were dark. Night skies. Lots of sky. Lightning and a blasted tree. That all kind of fits with the hard month it has been. The stones on the hill are a solid deep foundation - something I have and sooo had to draw on to get me through. The kite is flying high with my dreams and the fox is skulking around, treading carefully, oh I wish I had been more like that fox. And the tai chi folks? peace and calm. I also included words 'this way to the future', 'the way' and 'wyrd'. Now they just seem to mean to me, that this is the right path, a hard one, get through it. Not sure about the bottles or the plough constellation.....

So what do I have this month? Brightly coloured paper candle lanterns floating on water. Peacock feathers arranged in a circling pattern. A field perched on the edge of a cliff in an arid, epic landscape. Ancient ruins in a dry landscape. Ancient ruins somewhere else, maybe near the sea. A young person, lying on the ground, surrounded by chalk lines and candles as part of a Venezuelan rejuvenation ritual that is part of the Maria Lionza cult. I also have the words begin and discover.

I really like this dreamboard. If this is my month to come, then it is a more comfy month in some ways. Beauty, serenity, rejuvenation, beginnings, discoveries, oases's of discovery in apparently bleak landscapes. OK, so maybe not an easy month, but with any luck it will be a month where I have beauty and serenity, even if the circumstances around me are a little less than fertile. And the peacock feathers? No idea, apart from that they are very, very beautiful....

I look forward to re-interpreting my Dreamboard at the end of the month and seeing what it says to me then, with the power of hind sight.....

Sunday, 21 November 2010

Some Happy

I am a bit behind with my Happy book so have a couple of ads that made me smile instead!





Now I have never had Beroca but I do love both of these ads!

BIG and small

Now we all know about gremlins that stop us from doing things. Now sometimes we find ourselves in situations where it is not gremlins stopping us but other aspects of ourselves.

I had Glandular Fever followed by Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and although gone, it rumbles on and means I just can not fill my life up as much as other folk. I go to bed early and get very little done after work.

I learnt last year that too much fun over too long a period is just as tiring as working - everything caught up and I walked away from blogging and all the things that come with it for a while. I have learnt to take on less and to graciously walk away when it all becomes too much. Mostly.

I thought BIG and the Happy Book would be alright together but I have had to stop doing so much Happy. Sometimes the Happy tasks are too BIG to fit in a weekend with BIG and still have some energy left. I am getting near the end of BIG and I am so tired now.

But is that tiredness another gremlin? Maybe, but battling on is not the way round it, battling makes it worse. I have to skirt round it, know when to push and when to let it pull. Give and take. So now, other things are going to drop a little, to help me get through BIG, because BIG has a deadline and I made a commitment and I want to finish it.

So less Happy (well, there has been less Happy for a couple of weeks). Less looking at everyone else's BIG progress and commenting. Hopefully I can catch up with that before the Ning group vanishes..... Right now, I am BIG and I am small to.....

Saturday, 20 November 2010

Dream Catch Me

Soooo.... Last night I had some more dreams and I realised that I have a third type of dream.

The first is the normal, random sortings of a brain at rest, processing the detritus of the day.

The second is the dream with weight, with symbolism. The messages my brain sends me.

The third type are the dreams my brain sends to give me a fun nights sleep. My brain sends me stories. Dramatic rollicking thrillers. Unhampered by the requirement of a plot that scans from start to finish, these stories are epic. I can never remember the nuance of it all, the twists, the turns. I wish I could capture them but as soon as I wake, they float away. Poof!

I very occasionally wonder if there is a fourth type or if these other occasions fit in to one of the categories. Sometimes, very occasionally, I awake, knowing I have had a dream, of which I can remember nothing at all. But the feeling the dream leaves is so strong, so powerful. I wake up so happy, like someone has been telling me the most wonderful things, like my life is incredible and everything is alright. It is an amazing feeling as I wake.

But then, I am awake and I realise that I am in this life, this body and nothing feels particularly perfect at all. And in that moment it hurts.

I have not had this dream in a long time, but then the memory of it passes quickly, thankfully. The dream and the feelings have no reference to anchor them in time, so the memory of feeling remains but loose in my memory. Maybe that feeling is supposed to give me hope. Maybe it is all the happy neurons in my brain firing randomly as I wake up.

I feel kinda sad just talking about those dreams.

And the title of this post is from a song

Dream catch me when I fall, or else I won't come back at all....

And if you like that, go look up his version of Teardrops...

I was supposed to go and see him last year when I had my bad illness. F went without me and a friend who had been desperate, but unable to, get a ticket went instead...... Next time....
I may be slightly absent. I need a bit of a change, a bit of a rest. And I bought a new game as well..... (The Sims 3) My head hurts a bit - this week has been exhausting. Working in such a strange atmosphere is a strain. I had a chat with a colleague the other day and the conclusion was that the LP has no idea how she has messed everything up, hurt so many people so deeply and i completely oblivious to the fact that everything is rotten underneath.

And the Sims is nice and happy and very escapeful!

Thursday, 18 November 2010

What Dreams May Come

I wanted to talk a bit more about my dreams today because I have more thoughts running through my head.

I slept relatively well last night, but I still dreamt. Rambling dreams that made little sense but followed some rambling story. Me switching jobs. Me somewhere doing charity work, growing mint and using it to feed the hungry.

These dreams were different to others I have talked about here. They are lesser. They are my mind wandering and repairing and thinking to itself. There may be moments of meaning but there is nothing deeper. I wake up and these sorts of dreams vanish before I can really get a grip on them, like smoke.

The other sorts of dreams do not gently whisper in my sleeping head, they shout. They shout so loud that somewhere inside the sleeping me, I am not so very asleep. Even if I don't write them down they stay with me. And they seem to be shouting more often at the moment. Maybe it is because I am taking them more seriously, maybe it is because they have much to say right now.

I am finding that the symbolism of my dreams combined with my BIG painting is making the shout even louder. The phoenix, the burning fire, the woman at the edge of a cliff watching the Northern Lights dance..... Combine this with the lovely Mel's tarot reading for me. The universe is shouting at me - hold on, just hold on, change is coming, have faith, keep the faith. Just survive this.....

Does that make any sense? Does it fit with what I have written here about things? Am I deluded? Is this just me trying to help myself survive all this? So what comes next?

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

Sweet Dreams?

As a child I didn't suffer from nightmares or bad dreams. My older sister did. sometimes she would float through my room like a wraith on her way to snuggle up to my parents, looking pale and teary. Sometimes I was jealous, I wanted an excuse to go snuggle up some nights when I was awake. So I would cry a few crocodile tears and go pretend I had had a nightmare on the nights I awoke in the middle and felt lonely.....

My folks house is like a circle with two staircases, each room reached from the previous, mostly. My folks room was up a fork in the staircase and my room lay at the top of the other fork. My Mum used to tell a tale of one night she came to bed and poked her head through my door on her way up. She was rather bemused to find my upper body dangling from my bed, leaving me upside down and batlike, grinning at her....

Sleep was not an issue for me as a child. i needed as much sleep as my Father and was all set to have high energy levels and a healthy sleep life. That all changed with glandular fever followed by chronic fatigue syndrome.

I remember the discussion with my parents. It's Ok to wake up really early, but if you do, could you stay in your room and quietly look at books or something? They bought me a blind to try and help me stay asleep when the bright light flowed in through my big high up dormer window.

I had a little window on the other side of my room. A tiny one, under the eaves. Light filtered green through the huge willow outside. Tendrils of clematis creeping through to say hello. In Summer the little window was always open.

Bedtime would see my Mum come and join me with a book or a story of the purple hippo that lived in the big drain up the road and who ate rosehips. Our house was often cold away from the heat of the fire in Winter so we would snuggle in bed together and share my toasty stone hotwater bottle as we took it in turns to read.

I would often have too much buzz to sleep and I perfected a technique for sleeping. One time my Mum asked me how I got to sleep, I described it and she said it sounded like a form of meditation. I think she was right. I focus on a part of my body real hard, focus on relaxing it until it tingles. I slowly move the tingle up my legs from my toes and then I work on my fingers up my arm. I never managed to get any of the rest of my body to tingle.....

In my teens, when the lurgey hit, it was a bad time for me. My doctor placed me on anti-depressants as well. I think there was much more going on with me than a physical illness. I think I lost something important at that time, all my joie de vivre fled and I have never truly regained it. That little kid who had so much energy and joy was gone.

Anyway I wasn't going to talk about all that but....

You see, I have nightmares these days. Not regularly, not that common, just occasional. I had one last night.

I was driving somewhere, in convoy with friends. Something happened and the car behind me ended up crashing and going up in flames along with it's two occupants. I knew them but I do not know who they were. I didn't see them.

Not so easy to get to sleep after that. So the day started badly with me feeling icky and it just never got better. I had no energy today to deal with my Boss or the LP. Sleep seems like a blessed escape from my life. What happened to the me, for whom sleep was a necessity,an intrusion, a small part of my life with no issues attached?

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

Masking

I have no idea what to write tonight. Tired tonight, I am tempted by a bath and a book. Sleep calls.

Work is pretending nothing has happened but it is there seething beneath the surface. LP is suddenly part of careful, neutral conversations only. LP doesn't join in the conversations of others as much, in the past she could be a bit on the rude side with her enthusiastic joining and then changing of the subject. Any happy banter is carefully not directed towards her at all. No careless words are uttered in her presence.

A casual observer may or may not see all this. They might see the simmering rot underneath or they may not. What I wonder is, whether or not we can get through this without it all bubbling back up to the surface. Maybe it is just a matter of time? Maybe pretense is a big part of life. Acting. Masks. Maybe will power is enough to make it as we wish.

Maybe we all desperately wish the clock was turned back. Maybe if we all wish hard enough?

Maybe if we act for long enough it will become true?

It is tiring though. Pretending is worse than working....