Hanging in the Balance

So I am feeling quiet right now.  This happens every so often and this time of year is a point when it often does.  It is nearing my Birthday, my personal year end and year beginning and things are ending and beginning all around me.  A lot of the stories I just don't want to talk about yet because I don't have the ends, but other things I just don't seem to want to talk about.

Maybe there is just too much going on that I have not figured out exactly.  Maybe I just have too many feelings.  I woke up grumpy this morning, unable to get back to sleep at 6.30.  This is not to say life is bad... quite the opposite.  But I am avoiding people.  I am not leaving blog comments or comments on facebook or elsewhere that I should.  I am not returning my Mum's calls.

Maybe that's because they are moving out of my soul home sometime over the next couple of weeks and I just don't know what to say.
Maybe it's because my sister upset me when she was down and although everything is OK, the hurt remains a little and I don't want to have to tell my Mum what happened and have her try and mediate, because there is nothing to mediate.
Maybe it's because my dosage has been doubled and I don't want to have to analyse how I am doing to tell people where I am at yet, I don't know and I am taking each day as it comes.
Maybe it's because I am avoiding making some decisions about when and how to spend a lot of money visiting friends and there just won't be time to visit my folks in there too.
Maybe it's because I have not even discussed those visits with F yet.
Maybe it's because I have been having some really, really dark dreams which suggest that all the hard work I have done on myself over the years is not finished and because I have no idea how to resolve the next step.  But maybe the signs are that also, this is nearing the end of it....
Maybe it's because it's 2012 and the world feels like it's shifting under my feet a little, maybe I am scared of what might happen a little, I don't know, maybe I am scared nothing at all will happen....
Maybe despite my absolute joy over my friends newly announced pregnancy, maybe it just brings home to me that babies are still some way off for me, due to health, if they ever come at all...

But in that list, there is nothing I can not deal with and won't deal with, I am just very much in a lying low period.

On the good side however...

I went to an amazing drum circle.  Different circles have different energies and feelings, in part because of the different work you do at each circle.  There was a lot of new people at this one but it was also focusing on balance for the Equinox.  The feeling was absolutely blissful, with out being spacey, it was a really beautiful afternoon.  My journeys were nothing earth shattering, which is fine right now.  In fact my main journey repeated the journey I had for the Spring Equinox.  I danced through the elements and then danced into my Dragon.  The Dragon has been my totem for this year as it is my totem for Breaking Masks.  It was lovely, but it was not about me so much.  Maybe dancing the elements with my Dragon is something that should be done every Equinox, I am sure if it is, I shall find myself on this journey again.

We also did little journeys for someone else.  The person I worked with did not so much journey for me as do some healing on me, and it was lovely and I could feel it and I think I needed it more than a journey right now.  My journey for them, did not seem like much to me, but when I told them, it turned out to be a message they had been given before and it was greatly appreciated.

A friend at the circle is a felter and is going to show me how to felt.  While talking she told me about a Swan shawl she made with Swan feathers felted into it.  of course I want a corvid shawl now, and the Magpies have been really, really generous this week....

All my birds are doing fine, and I was most surprised when I looked up from my book the other day, to admire the flock of jackdaws, the Crows and the Magpies, to see a new comer....  I had my first Rook!  It is a like a little Corvid social party *laugh*  I have never seen a Rook in that area, so how it found it's way there I have no idea, maybe he heard from his Cousins.  I imagine he will be back, probably with friends.  What was surprising though was that even though it was his first time there with me sat only about two meters away, he took his cue from the others and was completely unphased by me

My hair has changed colour, from purple with neon purple splodges to blue black with violet and neon purple that makes it looke like it has an ultraviolet sheen.  I like it.  Next time I may have blue and green and look like a Magpie....

I am feeling better, but I am still waiting and I guess part of me is waiting for me to dip down again.  Things feel steadier this  time but all I can do is wait.

But something really, really amazing is in the process of coming my way, something I have been waiting for, for some time.  Something I am bursting with excitement over!  And I can't wait to bring that story together.... 

Life IS good

Taking Advice

I like starting new projects and I like learning new things. Sometimes the planning of these things is much, much better than the real thing! I have spent hours and hours planning my bedroom - I can see it! And we are so close now really in many ways.... I have painting to do - an old print type case, a tall thin bookcase and an old chair. I have curtains and blinds to put up. I have a beautiful picture by the lovely Suzi to hang properly (it is hung just fine - but not in the place I want it to finally be because there is no hook there... and I can't put one there yet because I need to do it in conjunction with the print case...). I have things to rearrange on the bookcase - bits of cut glass brought for my wedding at charity shops and car boots which will be liberally decorated with candles and bits from the shore such as sand, shells and stones. I also have a big lump of blue obsidian which is man made but utterly lovely.

I have further plans - such as strings of beads hung amongst the curtains. A bead woven mat to put under a cut glass bowl. A net or some sort of dream catcher sort of thing above the bed. Pictures to find and print and make to go above the chair on the bit of wall the bookcase will go on including photos we have taken of the sea and a lovely print of another of Suzi's paintings. Rag rugs to make. Sort sort of window decorations.... And finally (maybe) an old metal trunk to restore!

The thing is, part way through doing all the bedroom stuff, I had to plan a wedding. And after the wedding I had no energy for finishing off all the wedding bits - like thank you notes (oh I hate doing them! I have said thank you but I need to do notes as well - I hate thinking of small talk to write... I am so very bad at it!) And I have a lovely photo album to fill with photos. Then I need to put all my beautiful things together in a nice, special wedding box.... Then we can take them out and relive our wedding day whenever we want and keep them as heirlooms.

But those thank you letters, they have really, really stalled me! I could not face getting out my knife and painstakingly cutting another stencil, which takes hours... And people were saying to me, why are you making it so complicated? But my heart wants to do it that way and that helped stall me too.

So although I don't want to do them - I have to because they are in the way. So they have gone on my to do list... And as it is limited to 13, a few things have gone, because they are new things that need to go on hold and not get started yet. They need their own space. So no ley line maps, or medicine bag, or rattles or learning about geometry... Not yet, not till I have space on my to do list again...

The book I ordered that I thought was going to tell me all about Sacred Geometry, didn't. But that is my fault not the books! The book was Maths for Mystics by Renna Shesso and was very, very good. It explained so much and made so many connections for me. It was exactly what I needed. It only took three weeks to arrive, but I am glad of this as this weekend was the perfect time for it to arrive _ I had enough brain back to understand it!

The other books were mixed. The first Medicine Wheel book ( I shan't name the author because I don't think that is fair...) raised a couple of good points but beyond that it offered very little. It seemed to be written from the perspective of using the Medicine Wheel as a spiritual tool for the average Christian. The second by Leo Rutherford, is I think, a very good book, but it will probably take me years to digest it! Jamie Sams, Earth Medicine is lovely, but as it is a book of daily readings, this will be with me for some time - I have enjoyed reading these snippets so far - although I am not sure I get all of them - why the simplest things sometimes the hardest? And then there was The Sun and The Serpent = an excellent book about the St MAry and St Michael leylines in the UK.

So next months books have yet to be finally selected and brough - but I know Renna Shesso's new book on the planets and stars will be there. For Geometry I shall wait until March when John Michell's book goes into paperback.... Which is why geometry has been knocked off the list - it is not a current thing.... and I had too many creative projects on the list - and if you have too many waiting, they go stale sometimes and never happen at all...

So pay day looms (oh what a long month!) and then a few things will wing their way to new or temporary homes, including my Angel Oracle cards and a book that I really didn't gel with but think someone else will appreciate. I offered up my Tarot deck too but I have realised they are meant to stay with me. I need to look at Tarot in a different way is all....

And the letter to my Uncle - well, that is about letting go of others personal failures. Not their fault if they never signed the contract and had no idea of the rules I had made. He had no idea I idolised him and I need to let go of that. I think he will understand - I hope so. It may bring a new life to our friendship - or not, but my heart tells me I have to do it...

And what has sparked this off?

I have been asking questions about why my ear infection is lingering - what does it mean spiritually? Why does illness often go hand in hand with the Moon of Welcome for me? Not got that one figured out yet but someone else delivered a very clear message to a group i belong to that we should all finish our unfinished business, close all our old wheels so we can start new ones.

It made me think.....

Home of my Heart

I grew up in an enchanted house. The house began as two one up, one down cottages for farm labourers. Over time the house grew and the two became one. Over 400 years old, with no foundations, it was a house intimately connected the environment around it. A huge old willow has grown so big that it's roots rest under the house, cradling it. As the tree moves and the seasons change and the earth moves, so does the house. In most places the walls are one brick thick and cracks appear and disappear, as does the chance to see light....

I grew up knowing the creak of every piece of wood. The house itself would sing to me as it settled and warmed up. I could tell where people were by the sounds the house made. From my bed I could 'see' people on the path to the front door by their reflections on my ceiling. Clematis grew in my window, water bubbled up through the stone floor after rain, and wind sang through the branches of the trees outside. Fire warmed the house and the kitchen was the heart.

I grew up climbing trees, walking barefoot and squelching clay mud through my toes, sitting under one of the huge lime trees in hot summers, or in the cool long grass of the orchard. I would lie on my back on the grass watching clouds or the bats dancing in the twilight. At night owls would sing me to sleep, hunting mice in the orchard. My parents for years have put large amounts of bird food out and watching Woodpeckers while washing up is a regular occurance.

Nothing could really hurt us there. Not that things were perfect but the bad stuff could not get in. Not really.

At College I had my things stolen one time, including a house key and my address. I told my parents and they changed the locks. A few weeks later they went on holiday leaving me in the house (I was 17 and my Mum had secretly, at least from my Dad anyway, arranged for my boyfriend to stay). When they returned my Dad found that the strand of barbed wire on the fence had been cut and pealed back. While I had been alone, the robbers had visited my home and found their keys did not fit. They obviously decided that it was not worth robbing as well....

Another time, I had a black thing following me for a time, which is an entire other story. When I went home I could feel it watching from the gate but it could not cross over. I understood intuitively from that time that that land was protected.

I also had my spiritual awakening on that land. A moment of such beauty as the rising rays of light shone through the empty grass seed heads in the field behind making the field glow with light. It was so very, very beautiful.....

My parents moved us in on my first birthday and now we have all moved on and they are alone there. They are in poor health and wish to move on as the responsibility of the house and gardens is becoming hard for them. I had not been home in a couple of years. Last year we went on holiday with them and this year they came here for the wedding. The thought of not getting to see the house one last time was unbearable.

Luckily for me it has not sold as yet and I was able to have one last Christmas there with my family and I am so very grateful for that.

In the garden there is a patch of ground that was the vegetable patch. it became neglected and was not mowed so that trees were able to start growing on it. I remember the first time we saw the twig above the grasses with a handful of distintive leaves. I watched that oak tree grow and it is a special friend to me. When I moved to Cornwall, I wrote my wishes down and buried them int he roots of that tree and they have come true, I found my soulmate. I also use that tree as the starting point for my journeying.

So last time I went drumming, for our second journey, we were asked to go to our special place and conenct with the spirits of that place. I was alarmed as i knew this would be hard for me and emotional, because of the house selling and lose of my heart home. This is what happened....

I wandered through the gardens away from the oak tree, unable to find someone. Eventually I found an old lady sat under one of the huge lime trees, knitting. To begin with I just cried in her lap and she stroked my hair. An utter outpouring of my grief at losing this place that has been so important and loved within my life.

In time we talked. She told me that it was time to let go and in time she sends all her children out into the world. That we no longer needed this place and it was time for someone else to benefit. That it was time F and I grew our own heart home and started work on building a place that would grow through the generations such as this one had. She said I could visit in spirit and she told me something would be waiting under the tree for me and explained that I should leave a toe nail and a finger nail, bound with my hair and touched by a drop of my blood there too.

Because I had already said Good Bye and dealt with much of the emotion, I was able to go home and enjoy the stay and do what needed to be done without it spoiling my visit. For this I am very grateful. My grief would have been a burden to my parents as this move is very hard for them too....

I went to the tree and could see nothing so I went away and came back a couple of days later. i was more determined to find something the second time. I could not see anything. Then I saw an old weathered snail shell but it was so fragile, i could not have taken it with me. So I stood. And then I saw it. How I could have missed it I have no idea.... It would have been there the first time too. A large black raggedy feather. Probably a Crow's feather as it has no white and no irridescence.

Now this made me smile.... Sometime ago, i discovered I have Crow ancestors, my Great Great Grandmother was called Crow. So when I had to setup a new password at work, Grandma Crow popped in to my head. except I found myself talking to Grandma Crow once or twice and she sounded like the spirit of my home. Grandma Crone is one of her names too and she is very much the Crone and of the land. I met her husband too. A man who speaks with his eyes not words, who says just as much with a glance and a nod of his head between the fall sof his hammer as he works on hot metal....

One evening I was sat with my family and my Mum started talking about a couple who are their best friends. They recently moved and the wife was finding it very hard to let go of the house so she had a shaman come to the house to work with the spirits there. It sold soon after. (don't you just love messages from spirit?). My Dad was dismissive but I told my Mum I had been sending out anti-selling vibes as I was desperate to visit once more but now I would be sending out selling vibes.

I made my little bundle, although I had trouble with the blood. I don't bleed easily and I couldn't cut myself. So I cheated and got my Mum to do it! I got her to test my blood sugar (she is diabetic) and even with her special device, she had to have more than one go to get a tiny drop of blood... There was enough to smear on the little bundle I held hidden under the finger of my other hand.

I found each parent in turn and hugged them and had a brief conversation about letting go of the house and they both replied that they were ready to go. (Although by Dad sounded more grudging!). i took the bundle outside to the tree and left it there asking the spirits to relinquish my families guardianship of the land there and thanking them. I asked them to help my family to find it's new home quickly and that their new guardians would be called to the land there soon and be good guardians.

As I walked the garden one last time I spoke with Grandma Crow and this is what she said.

I taught you to walk on my earth
You grew breathing my air and I sang you to sleep
I bade you drink of my soul and strength
You sat by my fire and I warmed your heart

I feel blessed that this will never be Good Bye for me but I am unsure what role I have taken on with regards to that land. But that comes into another one of the posts I have to write today or over the next few days..... And Grandma Crow is my friend and is always there for a chat. Sometimes I hear the clack of her knitting needles as I feed the Crows at work and they peck up the bird seed....

Give and Take

I was woken earlier than I had intended by the postman with books. As I took my books from him, I looked across at nearby houses. Magpies were bickering by a chimney pot.

I logged on to discover a pretty horrific accident had taken place on the M5. The M5 is the first motorway you hit after leaving Cornwall and a big part of our journey to anywhere else in the UK really. What can you say about accidents like this? They make me so sad.

Watching the footage I can see a lorry belonging to a company we do business with. I am not sure if they picked up from us last night, I would have still been in work if they had. I could even have ended up loading that lorry... I may have met the driver of that truck at some time.

So I moved on, although the accident is haunting my day.

I dragged F to the gym (yay for me!) and watched more footage of the accident from the treadmill, which at least distracted me from the pain in my calves and from how much I wanted to stop.

But onto more positive things.... As we left the house, I spotted a neighbour had left a king size mattress on the pavement with a free to good home note attached. F and I quickly swiped it. We have a standard mattress on our standard bed but we had promised ourselves we would put together the pallet bed this weekend. The pallets are each one metre square so they will easily take the king size mattress.

As we drove away a squirrel decided to run infront of the car. I braked but was unsure whether or not it had gotten away, it was that close. I had to turn around and see and the squirrel appears to have escaped by the skin of it's teeth, thankfully. Sqirrels are a message about the universe providing, about letting go and about preparing for the future. Very apt confirmation that taking the mattress from the pavement was the right thing to do! And the timing as well, with us planning to sort the bed this weekend.....

All is good really but the day has an edge to it....

Time Comes Loop

I don't know how many months thos painted pallets have been sat in our bedroom waiting to be put together... Must be getting on for six months. They have become features in their own right, festooned with clothes and other accoutrements.

F noticed last weekend that with the change in weather and our bed currently being against an outside wall with no headboard, that our breathing and sweating is causing condensation to form between the bed and the wall. We have promised ourselves that the bed will go up this weekend and we will sort the bedroom out.

I think the tide has turned now Samhain is done with. It needs to have turned because there are things we have been putting off but need to accomplish. Maybe I should right a list... Maybe I should try not to get sucked into family trees and the past.

If I won the lottery I would spend a fair bit of time researching. there are so many records out there. A lot is on the internet these days but if you can go to local records offices you can find out so very much more and I love it..... It brings history alive. It also explains things within my family in some cases. Events that happened generations past do rumble on down through the generations, whether we see it or not.

My Great Great Great Grandfather was a little on the dodgy side, he served time for breakig hedges, stealing wood and stealing hurdles. He had three children. The oldest, J also served time and for more serious things than his Father too. Assaults, maliciously attacking doors and then heartbreakingly, in 1851 he was sentenced to one month for stealing a loaf of bread. Much information is available on this, including his short defence. He was hungry, he had had no work for 17 weeks and had survived the last three days on 1 penny's worth of bread. Viva the Industrial Revolution.....

J lived with his sister and brother and they obviously did their best to look after each other, but even so. S was the next oldest and she had an illegitimate child. I am not sure if it was the baby's father or someone else but she set fire to this man's house, with him and several other people in it....

The younger brother, my great great grandfather was a rat catcher and not surprisingly was also in trouble with the law. He even has his photo attached to his records.... He took the money offered to join the local militia. The militias were being raised to cover the duties at home that the regular forces could not complete as they were fighting in the Crimean. He deserted and was sentenced. However, there is a book that says some were recruited illegaly and had to be released. Some of these however later took a second financial bribe and signed back up again. I would loe to know where he fit in in all of this and one day I shall find the appropriate records.... See where he did go and what he did do. i bet he only signed up through hunger as well...

My Great Great Grandfather's children all put him down as various professions on their marriage certificates - the most amusing being gamekeeper! The though of a gamekeeper keeping rats tickles my sense of humour! They all left and bettered themselves and my Great Great gained a trade, a wife and a whole bunch of kids. He obviously knew he was ill before he died - his eldest son requested discharge from the Army six months before he died. He also obviously extracted promises from my Grandfather. Look after your sisters, it is your duty to do right by them, let them follow their hearts and marry as they will and when they will.... They did. My Grandfather was not free himself to follow his own desires for many a year and did not marry until he was in his forties.

My Grandfather died himself when my Father was only just old enough to take on the business and would have known he was dying. I bet he asked my Dad to look after his Mother and my Dad did, although thankfully she didn't live with us! And my Dad to this day looks after all of us. He works hard and does his best to provide.

My family has for generations looked after everyone as best it can, brothers and sisters, down through the generations, even those too poor to even really look after themselves.

Health & Beauty

So yesterday F and I floated around, sorting our wedding money out mostly. We set up a joint account, which felt very grown up. And then we spent some of our vouchers on some cutlery before driving off to the pottery to get the mugs that had been gifted us.

The mugs are beautiful. Hand made. To the casual glance you would think they are all the same, but look closer.... The ridges vary, the thickness of the lip, the crackling of the varnish, the colour.... We are going to keep slowly buying... a plate or two one month, a bowl the next.... Life should be beautiful and individual.

We also brought food.... Mostly nibbles. The grazing continues. I have bought several boxes from graze.com but the price means I can not afford to do this everyday, which is what I really need to stop me snacking on dreadful foods! So I have spent a fair bit this week on snacky bits from the supermarket and also our local health food shop so we have quite a variety now. Nuts of all sorts with honey with salt and black pepper and yougurt. Dried fruit of all sorts some in yogurt. Crackers and seeds. We can mix up a treat now and although it is more expensive in the long run, this stuff will last us a while. And F and I have been enjoying it all as well. And I have noticed a beneficial effect on my health already.

There is always a downside though. The second I start being good, my body seems to lose it's tolerance for me being bad. I was so ill last night. I am not entirely sure what sparked it off either. It might have been the pasty, the fudge or the caramel coated peanuts. All of those things did not produce the same affect a couple of weeks back when I was being bad with food. Still I like the grazing and I am beginning to wonder if I might be having health problems with chocolate....

I had been thinking about doing Paul McKenna's I Can Make You Thin again. I have a copy of the books, with the disk and the 90 day journal all ready to go. I think it might be a couple of years it has been ready... I knew the book had gotten muddled up with all my hundreds of books upstairs. I was looking for some paperwork yesterday and just looked at the books. My eyes landed on a book amongst a stack the wrong way round and when I pulled it out, it was there. I guess I am supposed to get going with this. It would do me good....

F and I have a very good relationship but sometimes things simmer under the surface, refusing to go away, for a while at least. We have different styles of doing things and sometimes this causes conflict.

I appear lacksidaiscal sometimes, with things appearing at the lastish moment, fully completed, but chances are I have put a lot of thought in to them and given myself exactly enough time. Doing my degree, I never missed an assignment and I never worked past ten at night, not even before an exam.

F does not like to think about things, he likes to do them, nut only if they interest him. If they don't interest him, he will ignore them and leave them until the very last moment, sometimes beyond the last moment. In my opinion he often leaves himself too little time. He is often late... He often had to pop home to pick things up when he was on a series of shifts. This does not stress him out. It stresses me out a lot.

So we made a deal, i would organise the wedding and he would make our house habitable.

I set to thinking and doing. Often gluing or painting of an evening after work if I could face it. Giving myself a little time off to read etc, but not much. My Games of Thrones reading has dribbled to a halt. My personal art is zilch right now.

F set to playing computer games as normal. Sometimes he would do a few things to keep me happy. The task was too big for him to be able to split it down into bite size chunks, and it was boring and there were lots of very good reasons why things could not be done and when they were going to be done. Many of the tasks have been underestimated. Un-necessary tasks have been done (like painting the hall, very nice added bonus but somewhere for my parents to sleep is a higher priority). Some tasks were done badly and then had to be redone (the coat rack put up with short screws, no rawl plugs and lots of glue....).

So here we are with less than a week till my family descend and F is now working like a trooper to get it all done. I am too exhausted to help having just pulled a 12 day stretch of work, 99 hours in total and having a hen night tonight and having my own wedding related things to do. And yet, I still feel guilty.... Even though I did everything I could to persuade him to start earlier. I tried every tactic I could think of, nagging, leaving him alone, writing lists, crying..... I will do some stuff to help, I have to and a part of me resents that, that I have had to help because he could not get his act into gear.... He has had a couple of days of my time already plus help for many two person jobs. I just want it all done now, I want to be at the wedding. I want everything to turn out right. I am stressed but not about my side of the deal, he knows that he is the one who has made me stressed and he feels bad.... He has promised never to leave things like this again.

There is a fine line between having faith in someone and being honest and knowing them. He will do this again, he will push it but hopefully next time he will listen to me sooner maybe... But then I don't love him for his organisational abilities, I love him for the way he is with people, the way he is with me. He is a trier, so utterly genuine and so charming and cheeky. He adores me and I adore him and it is not very often our differences make me stressed.

We will be fine.... He may be exhausted by next weekend, but we will be fine.... And the wedding will be beautiful and not many people will see the house..... Hopefully...

Low Ebb

I feel really tired and low today.... I have still been chipping away at stuff though.

I sat down and looked at the wedding finances.

I chatted with my folks about things.

I finished sorting the wishes for the Make a Wish, Take a Wish. Decided I need to go up to the castle before I make the tree so I know what size space it has to fit into. Punching holes seems to take forever! (think my punch has gotten a bit blunt!)

I went shopping.

And I am about ready for bed. I feel like I am constantly working on the wedding and at some point I need to devote some time to the house because F just does not seem to be making much progress. Maybe I need to leave a list of things I want done by next weekend. It feels as if each day he will do one big job and then stop at that.... OK I can't see what he is doing when I am not there, and I am not going to nag him, I am not *sigh*, but, we need to get some of this junk out of the house because otherwise he is going to waste so much time just moving things around and around and around.....

I need some time with him as well. I tried to fix the dripping tap today but I need one set of hands under the sink and one above. I just can't reach far enough to do both at the same time. He works every other weekend currently and next weekend is his weekend off but he has his stag do and will be out all day. And hung over the following day. So it will be the end of July before we get time to do stuff together again really. I am just getting frustrated is all.... and tired. I don't see him tired so much. I do see him playing the xbox a fair bit though.

Well they do say that behind every great man there is an even greater woman....

Wardrobe Love

I also never posted pics of our new wardrobe and redecorated bedroom. So here it is!

On the left we have a mirror storage unit which swivels around. Next we have a thin section with two shelves, a hanging rail and a draw unit. Then we have a wide section with one shelf, two shoe racks and two hanging rails. Lasty on the right we have a thin section with a drawer unit and lots of shelves...

I still love it. So practical and very good for a damp house as there is less stagnant air.

This was a dull day but the floor is more navy than black and the walls are a little brighter....

Progress

Well....

Still reading supernatural. Still doing heaps of washing to sort through the mound of stuff. Still painting pallets.

Ever feel like you are stuck in a moment? *laugh*

Would I have started this bed project if I had had any idea how much it had involved? Maybe not.... Probably have done some procrastination.... but I want my bed. The pallets look lovely all shiny and white. We would have finished it this weekend - if I had not forgotten about the headboard. It needs sealing and undercoating before glossing, so there goes a fair bit of time. but it has been sanded and sticky uppy excess bits sawn off and some spare pallet slats screwed onto the blocks behind the headboard to make a slightly hidden shelf. I also got all the brackets and things for fixing it together and to the wall. So progress indeed, might even finish it next weekend.... yay!

I must do some pictures soon as well. I need to post about Natasha's course on 21 Secrets and my last two fullmoon dreamboards and the wardrobes and general room painting. I can however post about the lovely Three Little Words course from 21 Secrets.... Maybe I should do that in a mo.

I like being busy and having things to do and feeling motivated and good about stuff. Things are prgressing and I can see the progress (for a change and it isn't backwards either) so all is good.

Hoarding Hell

I am sat here. Feeling chilled and relaxed on a Saturday morning. Except F has promised to do what I want all day. And here I am, letting him play computer games instead of tidying and organising and painting and all the many other things we should be doing.

I know soon I will muster up some get up and go but for now I am procrastinating, and he sure is not about to stop me.

The questions is - how long can I keep writing this relatively inconsequential drivel and convince myself I am doing something worthwhile?

From where I am sat, I can see the pile of junk to be sorted.... It may have halved in size but there is still an awful lot that needs attacking.... I have woolens in the washing machine waiting to go on the line. And a whole heap of stuff waiting to jump in the machine after....

Old dog beds to go to the animal charity(Little Dog likes sofas and beds way to much). A box of teaching books to go to the education library. Bags of textiles for recycling.

My clothes in the wardrobe fill a tiny amount of space really - because the amount of clothing that actually fits is such a small proportion of what I have. Then you exclude the stuff I don't like or is worn and holey..... Somehow I am disguising how little I actually have under a pile of junk that is of no use to me....

And sometimes it just all seems too much.

Eight and a half years. I think in that time F and I must hardly have thrown anything out..... I am sat in a room with S's toys, no chance of him ever playing with them again. And boxes - why does F insist on keeping boxes that things came in? I can see pristine shoe boxes for shoes that are long dead *laugh*

We could become hoarders. We so could. This is our chance to avert that future.....

Best get on.....

Something Blue (Books, Decorating and Creative Stuff)

So this is my last day off before I go back to work. There has been four bank holidays over two weekends and I was lucky enough to get the three days inbetween off as well. Hence the big DIY project.

So this final day sees three quarters of my floor finished and the varnish hardened to it's full diamondlike qulaities, apparently. The remaining quarter just needs it's final coat.... A couple of touch ups are required here and there with a little brush to cover up a few errants whisps of the navy floor paint. And then this phase is done! *does a happy dance*

So two days clearing the room. Then seven days taking care of the walls, ceiling and floor. Now hopefully one day of putting up the wardrobe.... *crosses fingers* I just hope our ceiling can hold the poles and that they don't rip it down or that we don't have to do some complicated and tricky jiggery pokery in the loft to make it all secure..... OK so we still have the massive washing and sorting operation as we filter the things we want back in to the bedroom. You should see our spare bedroom right now... Talk about overflowing *shudders*

I have not found an awful lot of time for other things this week..... But a few have crept in here and there. I have started a necklace that was a possible for my wedding but I think not. I intend to wear red and the necklace is in red beads and I think the two together would look...tacky.... there I said it.... Maybe in grey instead.... Or maybe one of these lovely cabochons on a silver snake like chain..... Imagine one of those lovely blue ones as my something blue.....

I have not really had time for 21 Secrets and I certainly have not felt like playing with paint in my free moments! So when I did have time towards the end of this week, I chose Natasha's Improvisation Station course as I knew there was a writing element. I have been thoroughly enjoying this and shall give it a post all to it's own when I finish the journal page that goes with it....

I have been reading as well. I finished Art is a Spiritual path and thoroughly loved this book. I wish I had a group of artists to share space with in the way she has. I love the idea of witnessing. Quite often this tendency we have to comment and be encouraging etc etc about others artwork and to receive about our own is not.... quite right. This idea of witnessing feels good. I may not have the group thing going but I am determined that I should spend time with my creations and write down what they say to me from now on. Starting with my journal page a la Natasha, when it is done....

I have read as much of Dancing the Dream as I am going to anytime soon. Basically, it divides spiritual progress into seven paths. The first and second made no sense to me what so ever, I felt no spark of knowing as I read about them. I identified with the third, fourth and fifth but on starting the sixth path, it is clear this a step to far for me. I am nowhere near the six path and I have no desire to read about it or the seventh. It is enough to know they are there... I need as it is to let the three paths I identified with simmer for a bit and then re-read them. There is so much in this book to digest!

I am reading Supernatural at the moment. Again after reading the introductory chapters I had to let it rest a while. Basically his idea is that hallucinatory drugs were responsible for the evolution of birth of art and spirituality within the human race. That is a really, really big thing and I had to sit with that idea for a bit and let it take root, or not. As it happened, it has, I can see it and this is now part of my personal world view and I am continuing with the book. I don't think it will be the only perceptual challenge waiting for me within these pages....

The Medicine Cards have become part of my regular practice. They are so much more friendly and helpful than tarot it feels....

The magpie book.... not read much of this at all. I read the first chapter on territories and I have enjoyed watching the magpies and seeing how it works. It has expanded my view of their world. When I am ready I shall read another chapter or two and observe some more....

i also did my dreamboard for the last full moon and need to post about that. Boy is it a more hectic one than some of my past ones! A lot going on there. Fiery volcanic stuff, paths through undergrowth, bluebell woods, a baby scan image, a wild wolf, a VW van and it goes on.... Obviously a lot going on in my head right now....

Getting Somewhere Nice

I am not sure how much more of my bedroom I can take.....

The floor has just received a coat of varnish, it's second, which was preceeeded by three coats of paint and a good scrubbing. The problem is, only half of the floor is finished, the other half is dirty and covered in bed still. It is soooo time consuming painting a floor.... And buying the wrong colour paint and tooing and froing with paint chips etc is time consuming too.

We have a tiny bit of gloss work to do and then it is just the other half of the floor, right from scratch. But I have to wait for the varnish to get rock hard before I am prepared to move the bed.

Not convinced that the wardrobe will go up before I go to work Tuesday.... *sigh*

Then we have four pallets to come home, sand, undercoat and paint and we shall have our new bed! yay! These pallets are very high quality ones and the slats are even and frequent and they are not a standard size being a metre by a metre. Four of them will give a platform the perfect length for our mattress but with a bit of platform sticking out on either side, perfect for putting a mat on to hold my drink and my glasses and phone overnight.

Sometime soon, F will be renamed H! Not sure if I mentioned but F and I are finally getting married. We have a day, a church and a reception venue but I can't do the invites yet because we still are not a hundred % sure of times and won't be till the vicar gets his forms back and meets up with us. So much to do and it is all good!

I am still doing 21 Secrets but doing the bedroom has put me off playing with paint this week really and not left much time either. might have a look at one of the more wordy classes.....

I had nice post today.... We have a Tesco clubcard so we get points. Recently I heard that if you go online you can find out if you lost any vouchers before you spent them. i had a few and it built up to a nice little sum. I bought a National Geographic subscription for £11 and I spent £20 on £60's of vouchers for Pizza Express, yum!.

Happy Mistakes

The reason for my uncertainty about the paint is coming clear.... This is no pale blue grey but a navy blue....

It looks lovely though! We would not have been brave enough to go for navy but it is a happy happening. Just the colour on the walls which I chose because I couldn't spot the white... Still, if we can get a pot of the proper colour, we won't complain. (just use it somewhere else in the house....)

Distractions

Reya had a great post today (she does every day) but this post linked to a really fascinating, but pretty long article about the work of a guy called Eagleman. So fascinating did I find it that I have just ordered two of his books. His third will have to wiat because I only need so much non-fiction in my life each month and it was more expensive....

So I bought Incognito which is about all the tricks of the brain 'behind the cognitive illusion we call reality'. And just reading about him, you know this is going to be a feisty, fascinating read....

The second book is called SUM and is a little different. This guy has so many interests and spreads himself thin at times. This one looks at the afterlife and different possibilities through the medium of the short story. Apparently this book has been applauded by both the spiritual and scientific worlds. And by spiritual, apparently both aetheists and different religous groups loved it.... It sounds small but fascinating....

I then went on and bought a couple of fiction books to keep be topped up with the newest works of a couple of my favourites. Charlaine Harris's latest True Blood offering and Sarah Addison Allen's The Girl Who Chased the Moon....

Then I bought second hand CDs of a couple of bands..... Underworld and Orbital. Taking me back to my younger and wilder days, although I still love the chilled mood of much of it and it makes me want to move too....

All this serves to distract me from what I should be doing. Painting. Half of the floor is ready for it's second coat. There has been delays. I had bought a paint called Blue Babe for the floor but on tuesday I started painting and was horrified. It clashed and didn't fit at all. i called F and he agreed.

Yesterday there was much messing about with paint chips, holding them here, putting them there, folding them up and propping them against the wall. All the colours we liked best for the room ended up being grey hued and gentle with hints of green, purple or blue. Because of the sea theme we went with one called Pebble Drift which is a blue / grey.

It was mixed specially for us and I slapped some on earlier, straight over the old grey paint, the horrible blue babe and the splodges of white. I know it needs another coat, but for now the coat is befuddling me cos I can't work out what colour it really is.... but I like the hue anyway, which ever of the mottled patches turn out to be it's true colour or if it has not revealed itself yet....

As much as I now love my bedroom, I will be glad when we finish and can actually use my nice new wardrobes and put clothing away.... It is all so time consuming. but now getting out of bed is harder to, because just being in bed looking at colour I love is enticing....

In theory I know colour plays a big part in our lives, but you never remember quite how big a part until you change it.

Click Your Heels

Well, the screen on my laptop has died so my time in Bloglandia is not what it was.... but hey, it is all good...

Painting is continuing with forays into the wonders of Satin Wood. Unfortunately the blue of the floor-sea was too solid (and blue) for the dreamy walls of our dream world so we have to return that particular pot of gold to the land of B&Q for someone else to find and get something special mixed up, just for us..... The powerful alchemy of colour!

It seems our walls have more of a tinge of turquoise than of blue and the blue just looked... horrific.... And the satin wood takes much much longer to dry so all is slowing up now, particularly as we can only do half of the bedroom at a time....

Will my wardrobes ever rise from their boxes?

Or will I just go quietly insane and have dreams of the poles and shelves that should have been haunting my sad dreams of a night....

Work

Today I lack the will to work. My thumb and right shoulder hurt. I had to get up in the night and take ibuprofen. I got up and was thinking of filler and things as I ate breakfast. F came down to find me on the sofa, not moving. We agreed to delay the start of work.

I never got to it though. Instead I went upstairs for a nap. I really needed it. F woke me up eventually so he could paint the ceiling and I stayed in bed for a while watching before I figured it was time I got my behind out of there and left him to it.

So what do we have left to do? Maybe another coat on the ceiling and one or two coats on the bit between the picture rail and ceiling. Another one and a half coats of the blue on the walls. All the woodwork. Filler on the top of the window alcove. The floor to be scrubbed and painted with however many coats. Putting up the wardrobes. Getting the pallets, sanding and painting them to turn them into a bed. Painting the furniture for the room, namely chair and bookcase as well as a printcase for the wall and removing rust and painting the metal trunk....

Then we have all the damp clothing to sort and wash and put away or recycle. To dress the bookcase with carefully chosen books and bits and bobs to make it look pretty. The walls to put pictures on, including some we have taken ourselves which need selecting and printing and framing. Then I have to find small objects for the print case....

I was hoping we would make it to Ikea during the week as well, not on a bank holiday or weekend though. It is a long way to our closest one so needs to be on a quiet day.... I want to getthe curtain wires, curtains and a blind....

Then I need to finish making the rugs. Make a bead mat. Make some window decorations, maybe a fake wave stained glass thingy for one of the window panes out of a shrinky dink sheet I have and a mobile.....

No way will I have all this done by the time I go back to work but as long as the bulk is done, I can slowly make the last few things.....

but to be honest, all this stuff pales into insignificance next to those walls.... They are such a blue. So pale it is almost luminous in some lights. It is the blue of an early morning sky or a sunny day sky with a haze.... And the room suddenly feels so light and free....

Breathe

Today I woke up in my bedroom and it felt.... different.

It is a mess. Patchy yellow walls with areas of bare plaster and filler, old paint some of which is stained by the remains of ancient black mould. Many colours of paint peek through all over the place and reveal the room has always been decorated in warm tones and has always been typically Cornish and suffered from damp.

The room has been patched up many times. Many layers of paint. Congealed paint in some places where it has been allowed to get very thick. The bit of wall behind the door that was replaced by a piece of board that sticks out so there is no skirting board or picture rail. The bit of skirting board that was replaced by the old front of a draw complete with keyhole and two holes where the handles once sat.

The room has a lovely shape and a huge window and so much character, even in this current pre-painted state. As I lie there and look round, I remember how much I like this room. I saw this house completely empty when I looked around and fell in love and seeing this room, like this, I start to fall in love again. It's spirit is starting to talk again.

That old furniture of my Gran's *sigh*

I believe my Gran and Grandpa bought it soon after they married and so it was well over sixty years old. It was a feature of my childhood. Beautiful, heavy wood, shiny. It sat in a huge room in a square house that went from front to back. It looked lovely. It had had a least one home before this and it moved wit my Gran after this but then it moved to the city to be with me before moving to Cornwall.

This house never suited it and it never suited me. I am sure that some of my Gran's personality must have been soaked up by that wood. She was a difficult woman and at her funeral the vicar asked us all to sit and think of a moment we were happy with her. I couldn't. My Mum admitted she couldn't either later on. No nice moment had remained free of the knowledge of her manipulation and unpleasantness.

My Dad is an only child and no woman was ever going to be good enough. I watched my Mum do so much and my Gran give only pain back. Not a good way to build happy memories. So this furniture, just dominated F and I as well as the room and did nothing we wanted it to do. It just trapped air and made friends with damp.

It has made me realise that the room I have slept in for the last six years is one I have actively disliked, and so has F. All of a sudden we like it again, before we even paint. Families give us good ties and bad and I am not sure the tie of her was something I, we, needed in our bedroom.

So now the walls are prepped and treated and as I they dry, the room is about to transform itself. It has been whispering to me all year. Paint me. Make me this colour. Change me. We will all be happier.We will all be able to breathe.

Breathe deep, from our souls. How much will this change for us all?

Progress

Today we destroyed all the furniture in my Grandma's bedroom suite. Two wardrobes, a chest of drawers and a bed frame. There was also two bedside tables but we left them next to the wood skip at the dump, hoping someone would fall in love and take them home.

F used the power of gusto with great effect.

Three trips to the tip. A trip to a local truck stop for a fry up. A shopping excursion for supplies for the next few days with no shops and our continuing efforts.

I was so tired after all this, I gave up and retreated to the bath with a book but later I felt bad at not finishing my tasks for today. I needed to scrape the flaky plaster back to healthy plaster and then fill in. Except I didn't make quite enough filler up so I need to do a little more before bed.

If I do this tonight, it might be dry enough for us to do the mould treatment tomorrow. If I don't do it tonight, then there is no chance of mould treatment tomorrow. The treatment needs to be left on for five hours and then sponged off before letting the walls dry. Given it is our bedroom, we need to do this first thing to reduce the chance of it being stinky at bedtime.

Tomorrow will be an easier day though than today. Today was tough and physical but we had no choice because the tip is not open much over Easter. But we are on track. Tomorrow I might have some time and energy for some art.

A Start

F eventually woke up.

He insisted on a cup of coffee with the computer before he would join me. So I worked and moved stuff. Not culling it at the moment. All this clothing needs washing first and then it can be recycled if we don't want it..... So it is piled high in the spare room.

He did eventually join me *laugh*

We hovered to and the room already looks so much better.

Tomorrow the furniture goes to the tip and we do some quick wall prep / repair. Then Sunday, first thing, we will do the mould treatment. This needs brushing on, leaving, then washing off and leaving to dry. Then Monday we paint.

At least, this my plan