Home of my Heart

I grew up in an enchanted house. The house began as two one up, one down cottages for farm labourers. Over time the house grew and the two became one. Over 400 years old, with no foundations, it was a house intimately connected the environment around it. A huge old willow has grown so big that it's roots rest under the house, cradling it. As the tree moves and the seasons change and the earth moves, so does the house. In most places the walls are one brick thick and cracks appear and disappear, as does the chance to see light....

I grew up knowing the creak of every piece of wood. The house itself would sing to me as it settled and warmed up. I could tell where people were by the sounds the house made. From my bed I could 'see' people on the path to the front door by their reflections on my ceiling. Clematis grew in my window, water bubbled up through the stone floor after rain, and wind sang through the branches of the trees outside. Fire warmed the house and the kitchen was the heart.

I grew up climbing trees, walking barefoot and squelching clay mud through my toes, sitting under one of the huge lime trees in hot summers, or in the cool long grass of the orchard. I would lie on my back on the grass watching clouds or the bats dancing in the twilight. At night owls would sing me to sleep, hunting mice in the orchard. My parents for years have put large amounts of bird food out and watching Woodpeckers while washing up is a regular occurance.

Nothing could really hurt us there. Not that things were perfect but the bad stuff could not get in. Not really.

At College I had my things stolen one time, including a house key and my address. I told my parents and they changed the locks. A few weeks later they went on holiday leaving me in the house (I was 17 and my Mum had secretly, at least from my Dad anyway, arranged for my boyfriend to stay). When they returned my Dad found that the strand of barbed wire on the fence had been cut and pealed back. While I had been alone, the robbers had visited my home and found their keys did not fit. They obviously decided that it was not worth robbing as well....

Another time, I had a black thing following me for a time, which is an entire other story. When I went home I could feel it watching from the gate but it could not cross over. I understood intuitively from that time that that land was protected.

I also had my spiritual awakening on that land. A moment of such beauty as the rising rays of light shone through the empty grass seed heads in the field behind making the field glow with light. It was so very, very beautiful.....

My parents moved us in on my first birthday and now we have all moved on and they are alone there. They are in poor health and wish to move on as the responsibility of the house and gardens is becoming hard for them. I had not been home in a couple of years. Last year we went on holiday with them and this year they came here for the wedding. The thought of not getting to see the house one last time was unbearable.

Luckily for me it has not sold as yet and I was able to have one last Christmas there with my family and I am so very grateful for that.

In the garden there is a patch of ground that was the vegetable patch. it became neglected and was not mowed so that trees were able to start growing on it. I remember the first time we saw the twig above the grasses with a handful of distintive leaves. I watched that oak tree grow and it is a special friend to me. When I moved to Cornwall, I wrote my wishes down and buried them int he roots of that tree and they have come true, I found my soulmate. I also use that tree as the starting point for my journeying.

So last time I went drumming, for our second journey, we were asked to go to our special place and conenct with the spirits of that place. I was alarmed as i knew this would be hard for me and emotional, because of the house selling and lose of my heart home. This is what happened....

I wandered through the gardens away from the oak tree, unable to find someone. Eventually I found an old lady sat under one of the huge lime trees, knitting. To begin with I just cried in her lap and she stroked my hair. An utter outpouring of my grief at losing this place that has been so important and loved within my life.

In time we talked. She told me that it was time to let go and in time she sends all her children out into the world. That we no longer needed this place and it was time for someone else to benefit. That it was time F and I grew our own heart home and started work on building a place that would grow through the generations such as this one had. She said I could visit in spirit and she told me something would be waiting under the tree for me and explained that I should leave a toe nail and a finger nail, bound with my hair and touched by a drop of my blood there too.

Because I had already said Good Bye and dealt with much of the emotion, I was able to go home and enjoy the stay and do what needed to be done without it spoiling my visit. For this I am very grateful. My grief would have been a burden to my parents as this move is very hard for them too....

I went to the tree and could see nothing so I went away and came back a couple of days later. i was more determined to find something the second time. I could not see anything. Then I saw an old weathered snail shell but it was so fragile, i could not have taken it with me. So I stood. And then I saw it. How I could have missed it I have no idea.... It would have been there the first time too. A large black raggedy feather. Probably a Crow's feather as it has no white and no irridescence.

Now this made me smile.... Sometime ago, i discovered I have Crow ancestors, my Great Great Grandmother was called Crow. So when I had to setup a new password at work, Grandma Crow popped in to my head. except I found myself talking to Grandma Crow once or twice and she sounded like the spirit of my home. Grandma Crone is one of her names too and she is very much the Crone and of the land. I met her husband too. A man who speaks with his eyes not words, who says just as much with a glance and a nod of his head between the fall sof his hammer as he works on hot metal....

One evening I was sat with my family and my Mum started talking about a couple who are their best friends. They recently moved and the wife was finding it very hard to let go of the house so she had a shaman come to the house to work with the spirits there. It sold soon after. (don't you just love messages from spirit?). My Dad was dismissive but I told my Mum I had been sending out anti-selling vibes as I was desperate to visit once more but now I would be sending out selling vibes.

I made my little bundle, although I had trouble with the blood. I don't bleed easily and I couldn't cut myself. So I cheated and got my Mum to do it! I got her to test my blood sugar (she is diabetic) and even with her special device, she had to have more than one go to get a tiny drop of blood... There was enough to smear on the little bundle I held hidden under the finger of my other hand.

I found each parent in turn and hugged them and had a brief conversation about letting go of the house and they both replied that they were ready to go. (Although by Dad sounded more grudging!). i took the bundle outside to the tree and left it there asking the spirits to relinquish my families guardianship of the land there and thanking them. I asked them to help my family to find it's new home quickly and that their new guardians would be called to the land there soon and be good guardians.

As I walked the garden one last time I spoke with Grandma Crow and this is what she said.

I taught you to walk on my earth
You grew breathing my air and I sang you to sleep
I bade you drink of my soul and strength
You sat by my fire and I warmed your heart

I feel blessed that this will never be Good Bye for me but I am unsure what role I have taken on with regards to that land. But that comes into another one of the posts I have to write today or over the next few days..... And Grandma Crow is my friend and is always there for a chat. Sometimes I hear the clack of her knitting needles as I feed the Crows at work and they peck up the bird seed....