Sunday, 24 June 2012


The other night, I was thinking about Dead Crow in my sleep and trying to remmber the story.  By morning I did and where I found it.  It is in Jamie Sams and David Carsons Medicine Cards book...

'There is a medicine story that tells of Crow's fascination with her own shadow.  She kept looking at it, scratching it, pecking at it until her shadow woke up and became alive.  Then Crow's shadow ate her.  Crow is Dead Crow now.'

Crow is a gatekeeper who stands at the entrance of the Void, the supernatural.  Crow is Keeper of Sacred Law and as such can bend the laws of the Universe.  Crow is Protector of Ancient Records and these records were kept by the women.

The Void is not a concept that it is very easy to collect information on.  It has so many other uses as a word, within games, to describe emotional states to just name a couple.  But the Void is another word for the Great Mystery.  It is where all creation, all magic, all time, everything, comes from.  To walk in the Void is to change your consciousness, and who knows what you will bring out with you?

In my Dreams, maybe I visit the void.  Time bends for sure and space.  I visit other places, other times, sometimes just for a good story, or so it feels, sometimes for learning.  Raven and Crow are very similar in their characterisitcs in that they both work with the void, but Raven is more strongly associated with Creation and Magic.  Raven is the Messenger, while Crow is the Gatekeeper.

As the keeper of Sacred Law with the ability to bend these Laws, Crow is a Shapeshifter.  This art includes doubling - being in two places at one time, taking on another physical form and becoming a fly on the wall to observe what is happening far away.  I don't claim to be able to do any of this outside of my dreams but within my dreams sometimes I am a fly on the wall, sometimes I am someone else.

Recently I had a dream where I dreamt with a sick relative of mine.  It was different from other dreams I have had because I knew the person I was with and also because it is the first dream I have had where I have dreamt within a dream.  I have no doubt that on some level I was there to help with his fear of death and to show him how to leave, when the time is right.  This was a sobering dream for me.  Is it any wonder that I find Crow Medicine slightly daunting?

The Sacred Law is different from Human Law.  Quite often our laws, in an effort to be fair to all and to be applied in the same way to all, mean that punishment does not fit the crime and take account of all circumstances.  Sometimes Human Law just misses the point.  Sacred Law never does and is not bent and twisted by human culture.  Crow people have to walk their talk.

I like that Crow is Protector of Ancient Records.  To me this is Ancestral History and Stories and it is no problem to me at all to look after this because I am very interested in it.  My methods are currently a little academic though.  There are other ways to bring back lost stories which I have not begun to explore.

I think overall, my biggest problem with Crow is dealing with Death and communicating with the Dead in the way it seems to be calling me to.  This all links up into my issues with ghosts.  It is all one big knot.  And it is why when I feed the birds, it is Magpie who I still want to win, not Crow.

Thursday, 21 June 2012

The Dreamer in Me

Some time ago, I wrote about the winds and how dreams and synchronicity had let me identify them and their positions.  Not that I was too happy with them and I still find some of them tricky, they are not comfortable roles for me because I am a pretty peace loving person and some of my roles are apt to cause the opposite!  The only wind I had not found was the one for my centre.  Although it seemed pretty obvious that the next wind to occur in the sequence would be the one that should sit there.

Well the next wind was the Dreamer wind.  I guess this was the one wind I really, really wanted.  I feel called to be a Dreamer and having it sit there in the middle is very cool.  Maybe it was obvious to others, I don't know, but because I wanted it, it would have been hard for me to accept it if it was obvious because I would have felt biaised.  but I had no control over which wind blew next.

So I sat with this a while and slowly other things began to slot together.  A visit to a special place where three birds flew overhead making a triangle with their flight paths,a Magpie, a Herring Gull and a Crow. A dream where I had a tatoo of a circle filled with Crow feathers on my arm.  Discovering I have a whole bunch of ancestors with the surname Crow ( I would so love to know the roots of that name!).  A journey where I met a Crow ancestor who told me that although Magpie may be the totem of my heart, I am a Crow.

So a Crow Dreamer is what I am.  The Centre reflects us as a whole and it's Totem is our spirit animal.  Maybe next time I journey and fly, I should have a close look at my feathers.  I had always assumed I was a Magpie but that seems pretty unlikely now.  Magpie often accompanies me because we get on pretty well and have a mutual respect.

I am still exploring what this means but I do know that this feels full of power.  I find the idea of power pretty scary really.  Skill is something I respect and like more.  So I must be careful to grow into this at the speed of my own skill, otherwise I think I would terrify myself.  Sometimes I find my dreams a little scary and daunting and I stop writing them all down for a while so only the really important ones remain with me.  I am learning to be a Dreamer while dreaming but sometimes it feels too much.  There is a lot of responsibility too.

Yesterday as I was about to tell Lisa about my Crow Dreamer I visted her latest post and her picture for the post was one I immediately loved.  And it reaffirmed me.  Crow recently left me a wing feather as one fed by my car.  I have a couple of Crow spirits who are guides and friends.  Crow walks with me.

Sunday, 17 June 2012

Walking with Ghosts

I have always loved a good ghost story.  As a kid I remember being fascinated by stories.  I remember how one book had all srts of snippets and it said that on a particular night of the year if you stood in a graveyard you would see different colour lights go past for men women and children.  I remember wishing I could see them and being terrified all at the same time.

We used to visit the Lake District every year on holiday and I had two ghost books which I read many a time.  So many of the stories seemed to be connected to unhappiness and bad omens.  They were designed to scare and thrill and terrify.  And so I grew with my fascination and horror being pretty much equal amounts I guess.

I never saw a ghost, so maybe if they did exist, the only ones I would ever see would be the bad ones?  I guess at some point my desire to see one changed to desire not to see one.  But my fascination never changed.

We went to York when I was young and did a ghost tour.  I loved it and insisted my parents buy me a picture of a ghost...  which surprisingly they did.  In later years I went on a ghost walk of a local town with a youth group I belonged to.  The guy leading it was fascinating, not a wishy washy psychic, but a member of the local historical society who was very factual.  It was a real eye opener to discover that nearly every building at the heart of that ancient town had collected a ghost along the way.

I have told F that I want to do a ghost night for my birthday over the past couple of years but this has always ended up on hold for one reason or another.  And at the moment, the place I wish to visit is closed for renovation.  You can only visit Pengersick Castle on ghost tours and I just always wanted to have a look around inside.  Or at least that is the reason I gave myself.

My fascination has become unhealthily mixed with horror.  I had not realised to what extent, or how unhealthy this was until recently.

I used to go to a spiritualist church.  I desperately wanted someone to come and visit me but nobody ever did.  I even joined their development group fro a time and it was really interesting.  But I had one of those moments I have when something catches a nerve and I walk away and i could not even tell you what it was.  I told myself the commitment was getting too much.

Then Lisa told me I should go to a graveyard and connect with the stories held in the bones and I have not been able to do that either.  Opening myself up to ghosts terrifies me.  They always say the best defence against magic and the supernatural is not believing.

A while back I bumped in to the friend who first took me to the spiritualist church.  She has since become a medium and she very firmly informed me that the reason no one ever came to see me was because I was scared and blocking it all very hard... and I know she is right.  I also know our meeting was important because when I looked back in my dream diary, I had dreamt about her and getting numbers etc.  I just need to get back in contact and go....

Recently at work there has been a ghost incident, where someone felt themselves being touched.  On talking to colleagues they say that odd things have happened, machines starting by themselves, the automatic lights turning on one by one as if someone is walking through etc.  While doing overtime I had to walk through and I could feel something watching me.  I could feel where it was.  An odd feeling made odder because it almost feels as if I am watching me with whatever is there.  On reaching my colleagues it turned out a few minutes before one of them had had all the lights turn on as if someone was walking through into the room where I felt the ghost.

So many of my colleagues seem to have ghost stories, even those who are sceptical.  It is starting to feel that I can sense them, sometimes, but only when I do not let my fear and scepticism get in the way.  I am also sure that I could learn to see them.  As I learn more about the dreaming, I suspect that if I allowed myself to enter the dreaming when I sensed a ghost I would be able to see them and maybe even connect with them further.  That feeling of watching myself is not entirely new to me.

Bedlam recently started it's second series on TV and the first episode of this series made me realise how scared of ghosts I actually am.  It terrified me.

S was having a chat with me recently and it seems that he feels haunted by his grandparents.  The smell of smoke, the feeling of being touched, the room going cold...  I feel my hands are very much tied with him because I can not say anything too out there that his mother would take offence to.  I did point out that his Grandparents would only want to help him and he should not be scared of them.  I also suggested he 'talk' to them.  I also brought up the idea of unresolve, but I think the idea of them having unfinished business was a difficult one for him, although I did point out it might be as simple as saying good bye. 

As we were talking a trailer for Bedlam came on and I could see him go tense.  It made me realise that the two things are so very separate but for me they have become too closely associated.  I very firmly told him that this was not the sort of thing he was dealing with and as I said it I realised I meant it.  These terror stories are just that, the fear of the unknown, fear of death, fear that they must be bad because they have not gone to heaven.  Most ghosts are just confused and lost or here to do something, finish something.

I am sure there are nasty maleveolent ghosts out there but I have not come across any and stories of them seem way more common than people who have actually experienced such things first hand.

The time for me to take a step towards all this is coming and it is a big step for me.

Saturday, 16 June 2012

Going to the Doctor's involved a wild goose chase.  I was prescribed a drug which the Pharmacy then said they did not have, could not order and that the other pharmacies they rang for me did not have either.  I shopped and then realised I could go to the Drop In centre but got there too late as they were busy and closed shortly.  I went back first thing this morning, was greeted by surprise when I said they could not get that drug.  I left with a prescription for the drug under a brand name instead and returned to the Pharmacy.  This time they had it, but not all of it so I have to go back Monday to pick up the rest.  When I received my part prescription, there was the brand name in big letters on the box, with the name of the original drug on the original prescription underneath in smaller lettering!

Stuff like this is frustrating!  I drove all over last night and have used 1/8 of a tank of fuel and used up probably 3 1/2 hours all told, just to get what I should probably have got in the first place.... *sigh*

Still i have it now.  It should sort things out short term but I have upcoming tests now to look at things.


My Bird feeding continues.  The Crows have been less in evidence, I think they are busy else where.  When they do turn up, they still throw their weight around, chasing the other birds away.  The other birds are only really nervous when the Crows are inflight, once on the ground, they are obviously much less of a threat.  Having watched the Magpies flee with a swooping Crow after them I can see why!  On the ground they puff up their neck feathers and look all dominant and hop after the birds making them go a little further away from the food, but they need their claws to stand on and can not move as quickly....

The Magpies are there all the time and a few weeks ago there was suddenly more than two Magpies around and the new additions had short tails.  Except they have grown now, and except for a certain youthful look they look exactly like their parents.  There are two of them and they are very noisy!  They squawk endlessy at their parents saying feed me!  They are not overly keen on birdseed as yet but their parents obviously like it because it is an easy and quick food supply for them.  The youngsters fly freely around the territory and are learning all the time and it is quite obvious that they are all communicating.  I will miss them when they fly away by themselves...

Jackdaws are getting bolder as well.  The absence of the Crows seems to help in this.  If the Crows are around at all I won't see a single Jackdaw.  The slightest movement I made used to scare the Jackdaws away but they seem to have become more comfortable now.  I still mostly see them feed on the scraps the other birds are less inclined to hunt for, the small seeds lost in the grass.  I think they are well adapted to this anyway....

There are many rabbits around as well but they are nervy and with so many cars in the car park they will come over to feed during the work day although I do see evidence they come at other times and I see them feeding further away from the building.  The baby rabbits have mostly disappeared though.  Grown up or dead...  A colleague saw babies being stalked by a cat.  There have been a couple of carcasses around recently too and my Corvids delighted in the bounty.  I feel sad to see them dead, but I know that their death is part of their Medicine of Fertility....

Seagulls are everywhere.  It has been wet and windy recently and there is something about seeing them hanging in the air, virtually motionless and then with a tiny imperceptible alteration i their wings they suddenly streak across the sky.  There is no need for them to fly like this all the time but you can tell, for them, that they love it, it is who they are and what they would always choose to do when not flying and a good hard wind just makes it better....

My other totems have been around too.  I sometimes see the odd wasp, but the weather has not been great for them so far.  Ants have invaded the work kitchen.  And lastly we have Grasshopper.  I was not sure whether or not I should count Grasshopper or not, I needed some synchronicity or a dream to confirm it.  The day after writing about that I got my confirmation.  I was at a drumming circle and the sound of bird song was so loud all around us at the end.  And there was a bird that sounded like a Grasshopper!  I have never heard it before and neither had anyone else there, although someone told me that there was a bird called a Grasshopper Warbler.  I listened to its call online and it was indeed a Grasshopper Warbler.  I like the idea of Grasshopper as a totem, it does feel like one that suits me...

In fact I love all my totems very much.  There are other totems around that I suspect may have a place on Wheel but I don't know yet, I have not got that far....  Some sort of Canid probably and maybe Horse somewhere too.  Years ago when I did visualizations to connect with my Basic Self and Upper Self I connected with a Mole and a Blue Parrot Spirit, and then there was the Sparrow I visualized to help remind me when I was being negative.  And I don't know where Seagull and Magpie sit yet either...  It is very noticeable that my Wheel is dominated by birds:- Crow, Magpie, Seagull, Jackdaw, Heron, with a few Insects (which I didn't expect):- Wasp, Ant and Grasshopper but only one Mammal, the Rabbit.  But that is only 9 totems so far and there are 36 positions on the Wheel....

I don't really have any other news.  The situation with S has calmed right down after flaring up.  I think there was a cunningly disguised molehill and lets face it, life goes on.  I would never want to go back to being a teen though!


Thursday, 14 June 2012

Britain in a Day

So the other night I caught the second half of Briatin in a Day, a 90 minute film.  I should have switched off and gone to bed but it sucked me in and held me captive.  So much so that I have just watched the first half on BBC iplayer.

4000 people submitted 12000 video clips filmed on the 12th November 2011 and from 800 hours of footage, this film was produced.  It depicts snippets of many peoples lives as the film travels throughout the day and simply put it just the stuff of life.  The Beauty, The Joy, The Tradegy.  All of it.

Sometimes it was just a few seconds of film showing something beautiful and at other times a longer clip with talking.  Some people are visited more than once.  The sort of film that reminds you what is important in life.  I can't even begin to describe it...

But I know how it makes me feel.  It makes me cry, but not with sadness exactly.  I just find it incredibly moving.

If you get a chance, watch it.

Sunday, 10 June 2012

Women's Troubles

I am grumpy and hormonal and just want to hide away.  Burrow under the duvet and lurk.  Except my back hurts and lying down makes it ache.  So I need to be up but I don't want to do anything or be anywhere.

I am not surprised I feel so grotty.  It seems I have been self-medicating for hormonal imbalances and that I withdrew my medicine for too long a period of time...

I drink this lovely brand of teas called Pukka.  I keep a range of varieties in my drawer at work and at home, but my favourite is this one Harmonise.  In fact when I order my teas online this is the one I buy in large amounts because I like it enough to drink it everyday.  The others I cycle through depending on mood and desire and health.

Except I ran out before the holiday and because of the holiday's impact on my finances I didn't want to place my usual large order of tea.  At first everything was alright, but then things started to go downhill.  From none, to a fairly constant something or almost starting.  I feel like I have had PMT for weeks.

Last weekend I was in Truro and happened to discover the Health Food Shop there sells Pukka so I brought a few.  (but not enough Harmonise *sigh* I should have brought more than one pack...).  The effects of drinking it have been slowly accumalating and this weekend I have finally gotten there but as is the way with these things - now it is a killer one, but I know I will feel better for it soon.

I guess I had no idea how much my tea drinking activities truly affects my health.  So I knew my Sage drinking really helps my IBS, but the rest of those teas...  I am constantly self-medicating based on mood and gut feel of which tea I want to drink right then.

So why has harmonize been helping me so much?  Not sure as it has a range of ingredients but one of them Shatavari is not in any of my other teas and it seems it is a Phytoestrogen. Basically it contains plant substances that mimic Oestrogen but the scientific evidence for the effect of this is variable.  All I know is that this tea truly helps me.  I have run out of this tea before and become aware of it's affects but since drinking it regularly I have never been without it for such a long period of time and because of this, I had underestimated the extent of it's help.

Self-medicating is fine and helpful, but I think it might be time to go and get checked out....  Because if my self-medicating has this much affect then there has to be something more than a little going on.  Low Estrogen can be a sign of menopause or cancer for instance.  It can cause fatigue and forgetfulness....  It's a hard thing to talk about though....

Wednesday, 6 June 2012

A Dogs Life

As much as I love Little Dog, i would love to have another.  I grew up in a two dog household, well until it expanded into a four dog household any way.  Little Dog is not an easy dog though.  She is prickly with some dogs, particularly greyhounds (she has never got on with my parents pack - too unwilling to go in at the bottom of the pack and not greyhound enough for them to accept).  She is fine off the lead and apparently when she is in kennels, she is the life and soul of the party - she certainly was very tired when she came home last time!

Little Dog likes Jack Russells, she always gets excited when she sees one out and about and lets them jump all over her.  I have dreamed of a little Jack Russell to keep her company.  To be a Mini Dog to her not so very littleness.

So I come home tonight to see a Jack running around.  I capture said Jack with the help of a dog treat and take him inside to meet Little Dog.  I would not have dared to do this by myself without the dog being small enough to hold.  While Little Dog was alright she did lunge a few times and she obviously was not happy.  The Jack obviously liked her though!  Possibly a little too much!  And in the wrong way....  How he hoped to carry out the deed is beyond me!

So having decided that I could even keep this cute dog overnight, i called the dog warden and off he trundled.  I would love to have kept him until someone claimed him rather than sending him away but I just couldn't do it.  We are both working the rest of the week and there is no way we could leave them together during the day which would mean sorting out a second area within the house tonight, while keeping the two separate and with F on a late shift....

The Warden reckoned he looked well cared for and thought he would probably get taken back to his rightful home.

But it has all left me feeling a bit sad because it has made me realise that we can not get a second dog because Little Dog would just find it too difficult.  Or maybe I would just find it too difficult.  I don't know....

Monday, 4 June 2012

Introduction to Moon of Territoriality

My First Moon of Territoriality fell in my second year at Primary School.  I was not overly happy there.  I liked adults better because I just didn't somehow gel with the other kids.  I have since learnt that this is often a problem for overly intelligent children.  I remember getting on really well with one of the lunch attendants.  I remember the group games that used to get played in the school yard.  I remember not being able to skip very well.  I remember being fascinated by the grasshoppers singing in the grass bank of the middle playground.  I would stand there for ages and patiently catch them in my hands and then try and look at them without letting them hop away.  I never hurt them, I just wanted to look....

The Grasshopper would be a nice totem for me for this Moon, maybe some synchronicity will occur and let me know if it is the Grasshopper, or another totem will step up.  The Grasshopper is a totem for those who dance to their own tune, for visionaries, clairvoyants, artists, dancers and musicians - anyone who sees the world with child-like wonder and awe.  It brings us creative inspiration and giant leaps forward and a sense of adventure.  It is also a symbol of longevity and happiness and can be a messenger from the other side.  He reminds us to listen to our own intuition and those voices within that sing of beauty and creativity.  The Grasshopper grooves to his own tune.

Whether or not he is a totem for this month, he sure had a lot to teach my six year old self if I had known what he was saying....

Things moved on and at 19 I was in my first year at Uni, the first time round.   I was a little goth girl who seemed to get on with everyone and who seemed to have a way with the men.  Inside I was starting to fall to pieces though.  I found it increasingly hard to feel at ease with men.  That fear, once awakened was hard to dispel without alcohol.  I struggled with my studies as I started to sink under the weight of Glandular Fever again.  My spirit had shattered into a million pieces and I was a puppet still walking.  I held it together until the Moon of Surrender though....

My most recent year of this Moon though was the one in which I came to terms with not having made it as  a Teacher and started my current job.  My plea at that time was for a job where I could be myself and whether or not it was what I expected, that is exactly what I got.  It is also when I started blogging and that has been such a wonderful road to self-discovery, learning and friendships.

So what do I think this Moon means?  Well looking at what MaryRose has to say, it seems to be about personal space and how we protect and maintain our personal space. Lisa has written about the boundaries between the territories of the masculine and the feminine and how the two interact across those boundaries.  She laso mentioned that one year this Moon was very much about Death.  I guess the Dead and the Living are in different territories.  So this Moon is not just about our territory and it's boundaries but the way in which our turf interacts with what is beyond our boundary.

The lonely child had her turf but walls other children could not cross and she turned to nature.  At 19 she had boundaries of fear and alcohol was the key to the door through.  In my 30s it was about upping sticks and moving my turf somewhere where it fit better, where I could be me.  Be interesting to see what aspect of this Moon comes up over the next few weeks.

Moon of Omnipotence Review

I think it would be fair to say that I have found this moon tricky.  A challenge for sure.... Not sure I wish to write any more about it because I sure have written plenty throughout the Moon....

There is a fine line between Omnipotence and Impotence and much of the time this all depends on our understanding of the consequences of an action and how we claim it's results.  A small decision can have huge unforeseen consequences and sometimes we are just linked to others whether we like it or not....

There is a song I have long loved that has me in mind of how I have felt this Moon.  They used it in the Matrix, the seen when they entered the building for a huge fight, not knowing if they would suceed or not.  That's how I feel about this Moon that un-nerving exciting feeling as you decide to walk into a big fight not knowing if you will gain everything or lose everything.  And I like this video to it as well

So this Moon's Dreamboard - I think this Dreamboard suited this moon perfectly, how I have been feeling and looking at things.  Why has that rock been dumped there by a glacier, why is it still there?  Why is that pilalr of rock uneroded when all the same rock around it has gone.  Why is that black wave coming and sweeping me away, will I still be able to stand when it has gone? Will i leave a handprint that lasts ages after I am gone?  but there is Home and Dogs and small moments sat round a campfire with friends under a big sky.  And linking all these moments, big and small is that connection with the inifinate, our lives as an eternal conversation with all that is, as a prayer.  I will endure, or not, and everything is perfectly as it should be.  I am alive. With the earth beneath my feet and my mind is the parachute that will keep me from falling.  There is Help and there is Healing and I will never be alone for I walk in the footsteps of those who have walked before.

And so a picture for this Moon....

Moon Dandelions

A perfect Dandelion Moon it has been in it's own unique way.....

The girl sat on the Moon.  Sometimes she would run and play, but only when the Moon was yellow.  But now she sat, for the Moon was white.  All around her a million million Dandelions had gone to seed and the slightest movement would cast a million million million wishes into the world.

Who knew what these wishes would do if unleashed.  They would float down and down towards the Earth and humankind would catch them in their Dreams and wish.  Many would be wasted, a blue car would turn red or someone would find an Oboe at the bottom of the bed.  Ghosts would whisper words of forgiveness and bring comfort.  Others would get to say what they really wanted for better or for worse.

Some wishes would fall into the Dreams of Dreamers and knows what would happen then.  What they would wish would change the world and no one would ever know beforehand what would happen next.  The girl had loved the special blue cats that liked to dance under the yellow moon.  Maybe Unicorns and Dragons would return to the world.  She sighed and a thousand wishes rippled around her.

She had the power to set free possibility and that was terrifying for you can never control possibility.  Maybe things would be worse, maybe they would be better.  Should she trust the Dreaming and unleash the wishes?  How long would she have to sit here, completely still while the wishes withered and died around her?

And she knew, she had to let their beauty fly because that was what they were born to do, just as she had to be a little girl running and dancing across the surface of the Moon.  So that is what she did and a million, million, million wishes took flight in the night and began to drift towards the Dreamers.

When she was tired she lay down and slept and that night there was blue cats dancing and singing under the yellow moon.  She smiled in her sleep and nestled down deeper under her dandelion blanket.

Sunday, 3 June 2012

Story Lines

I love looking at my family tree.  A lot of people just want to know the names and places their family come from.  They want to get back as far as possible.  For me those names are pretty empty.  They conjure up little of the story and history and colour that went with them.  Consequently, once I get beyond the beginning of the censuses I start to lose interest fairly rapidly.

I love it when I can flesh out the births and deaths and marriages with occupations at the very least.  Employment records and Military records are even better.  If you are lucky, it is amazing how much you can flesh out the bare bones of someone's life.  Sometimes it is criminal records that come to light and I find these just as fascinating.  Sometimes you get a hint of poverty and tradegy you can only begin to imagine....  Children passed to siblings to look after, surviving members of families banding together.

Our ancestors were so close to each other.  You can see them marrying people who appeared as children two doors down.  You can see families living next door and imagine children growing up as a clan of cousins.  People from villages meet and marry in the local town and move around.  You can see how Ancestors, completely unrelated until a marriage in more recent times would have lived close to each other and have known each other, in some cases this is despite later generations having moved away and having no idea of these shared roots.

Family twists and turns through time and it ties us all together far more than we remember, far more than we realise.  I have been looking at a local friends family and ended up joking to F that she would have to be very careful who she married if she married someone else who was also local!  Marrying a distant cousin without knowing would not be unlikely!

Via researching my tree, sometimes I make connections with other people.  Like for instance a Fifth Cousin who is Californian born and bred.  Our ancestors once lived so closely together that they probably could not imagine ever not knowing each other, and yet here we are and their ancestors have no knowledge at all of each other.  And they have so many descendants that they would surely be hard pressed to keep track of them all.

I don't want my descendants to forget and be left with dry dates.  I want them to know me and to know my family too.  Which brings to another irritation with family trees...  Women appear as characters who get married, have children and then die.  Only the very poorest or most well educated had jobs.  These distant ladies are probably the ones I would most like to know and the hardest to catch a glimpse of.

I have a journal or two of ancestors, although not mine by anything more than marriage, I find them fascinating glimpses into another time, different lives....  I hope my descendants find mine as interesting.

Saturday, 2 June 2012

Those that Guide

Life seems full of omens at the moment.  This is great because the world is trying to talk to me.  The problem is that I just don't find these messages very easy to understand....

My totem for this moon appeared early on in a dream.  It was one I knew was a totem of mine but had no idea where it fitted....  When I was little I sat on two ant nests.  Maybe not so unusual but what was, was that I managed to do it within a week.  One nest was wood ants and they bit me while on a walk in local woods.  The other nest was red ants and they bit me in our garden.  It would have been when I was fairly young and I suspect it does correspond to around the age of this Moon....  So not surprising...

In the dream there was a long wide column of Ants and they were coming after me, quietly determined to catch up with me.  Ant fits with Omnipotence for me as well.  Something I have to build and stubbornly work at, one small step at a time.  Ant has helped me achieve things - like climbing to the Monastery on Rhodes.  I can achieve the things that I wish to, if I take one little step at a time.

So that is this Moon, I am not yet looking for next Moon's totem.  I have not begun looking for totems for other aspects of the Wheel, except where a dream guides me towards something.  So it is hard to know where other animals that are appearing may relate to, in what way they wish me to listen to them.

Dandelion is still shouting loudly at me.  Dandelion, according to Sun Bear, sits on the Wheel with Hawk and Hawk has been shouting at me loudly for weeks and weeks as well.  In part I put this down to F as Hawk is very definately a key totem for him.  At first I only saw Hawk when I was with him but then all of a sudden Hawk was everywhere for me too.

On Rhodes there was a colony of Lesser Kestrels nesting on the cliffs beneath the Acropolis at Lindos.  We watched them for some time and they were so very beautiful.  F was there though and I considered myself lucky to be sharing in his magic. 

A couple of weeks back I was sat out the back of work by myself when I could hear this bird making quite a racket.  I couldn't see it to begin with but eventually two Crows and a Kestrel swopped in to view, clearly having a disagreement over something.  The estate I work on is very definately Corvid territory....  It didn't last much longer and I watched the Kestrel fly off alone.

Then Thursday I saw a Kestrel flying as I drive by and then while at lunch a Buzzard probably or some other less common large hawk was circling lazily high above me.  As Buzzard reached a point above me, I looked at my car windscreen and there was Spider right in front of my face.  I reached out and touched my finger to the other side of the windscreen and spider paused in her travels.

Spider has been appearing in my cards a lot recently as has Butterfly.  I understand Butterfly though, she is all about transforming and she is telling me that now is the time.  So back to Spider.  Last moon, Spider came through strongly and I wrote my Moon story about her children coming to Earth to help.  This week I received my copy of Sacred Smoke by Harvest McCampbell and in this lovely book there is a story about Spider and her children that made me think of my own story.

So we have transformation, Spiders web of fate and magic and karma and synchronicity, Kestrel who is perfectly in tune with his world, plans and knows the perfect time to take action with great speed and agility, Buzzard speaks of purification, iminent change, efficient action.  And putting this together here, shows that change and transformation is utterly key to what is going on right now...

Lastly, we saw a Barn Owl last night.  Neither one of us can remember when we last did.  It crossed the road in front of us like a white ghost in the growing dusk.  There is a lot of disagreement about the meaning of Barn Owls, many people equate them with death and consider them as bad omens.  I do think Owls are a totem who clearly sees what is behind all things, that can see beyond the veil, past and present.  This is why Owl is wise, because he knows, sees and understands but also why many fear Owl, because he clearly sees what many fear most. 

I read somewhere on the net a suggestion that as an omen he can mean death but also the awakening of some psychic skill.  Maybe it is time I visited that graveyard....  and called the friend who a dream told me I would bump into, and then I did, who goes to a spiritualist church.  Maybe it is time to connect with the dead more.

The Owl does not feel connected with the other things going on so much though....  Everytime I write about things they get clearer....!