Saturday, 28 July 2012


Why do we Brits like to complain so much?  *laugh*

We complain about the weather, we complain about what we do have, we complain about what we don't have.  And sooo much complaining about the Olympics!  It's two weeks of wonder, let people have their moment without whingeing.  So what if Londoners have to deal with extra traffic - it is two weeks!

We watched the opening ceremony last night and I loved it!  So much in it and it made me laugh and cry.  I think it was very much about the best of British.  I liked the fact that a mound with well worn paths up it, reminiscent of Glastonbury Tor took centre stage - with a lovely big tree on top.  I think our pagan roots are there just bubbling under, everywhere you look in the UK, and more and more with every passing year.

I think as the dogma of the church recedes in this country so our pagan heritage is allowed to come to the for.  Now I have nothing against Christianity, or Roman Catholics, at least not these days, but, they have held so tight to control - of peoples faith, their lives and their politics.  And those three things have not always adhered closely to Jesus's teachings in my view.  I also don't believe the heart of pagan faith and Christian faith are so very different.  It's like two people stood in the same place, back to back, they see different thigns but are in the same place.

I admire and focus on nature but I don't worship it as such, I believe there is a unifying force that runs through it and that is what I believe some people call God.  Call it what you like.  Focus on which part of it you like - it is just too vast to focus on all of it.  Just don't lose sight of the fact we, all of humanity, live int he same world.

There were two waves of Christianity in the UK.  The first almost died with the Roman empire but survived in the Celtic nations and is known as Celtic Christianity.  It was much more mystical and blended together pagan and christian in a beautiful way.  Then the second wave came, the Roman Catholics.  This time it was all about control, politics, pomp, ceremony, money and power....  Maybe the Catholic church has mellowed, I don't know.  There are certainly some very vibrant mergings of the Catholic church and inidgenous religions on other continents.

Anyway!  Tree on hill all good....

Sunday, 22 July 2012

Up and Down

It's all kind of up and down right now.  Not knowing if these pills will work for me.  Not knowing how long it will take for them to work.  Not knowing to what degree of wellness they might help me get back too.  Not knowing which of my other conditions are linked...  Jus generally not knowing.... and waiting...

And to be honest I amscared to hope too much.  but I do.  I want to be fully healthy again, who wouldn't?

For now though the sun is shining and I have family to go and see.

Sunday, 15 July 2012


I have gotten used to being judged.  People see Fatness and they decide it is your fault.  You eat too much.  You don't exercise.  You must be a little thick.  You must be looking for a boring sedentary life.  You get on well with people because you are a bit needy, not just because you have a good personality.  You are less attractive.

I remember on the odd occasion seeing some woman look at F and think, 'oh he's quite nice.' and then look at me and realise we are together and give that look of 'what on earth is he doing with you.'

It all happens.

But being fat has made me more confident.  Maybe I dealt with other peoples views and because I am in a different place and know they are wrong, they no longer have the power to hurt me.  I don't need to be attractive.  I don't need other people to fancy me.  I don't need other people to validate my intelligence.  I don't want a sedentary life but I am quite happy with what I have.  I began to understand it was not my fault I ate too much and didn't feel like exercising.  I no longer felt the need to try either.  Or to apologise for my lack of desire to try.

I knew that when I dieted, things went wrong, after a couple of weeks I was pretty much crippled.  I couldn't function enough to hold down my job without returning to the sugar.  It just was not possible.  And when you have just enough energy to do your job, where do you find more to go out running?  Recently I was talking to a health care professional and we got on to the subject ofmy weight and she asked if I had tried dieting and said they had vouchers if I was interested.  I said no and explained.  Many people see obesity as the result of a lack of personal care rather than a symptom and although she was good and professional, I could still feel that judgement, but it no longer bothered me at all.  I knew.

And I have learnt the hard way that dieting is counterproductive for me.  Having forced my metabolism to an even lower ebb by not eating as much until I am crippled by fatigue, when I do return to eating more I put on more weight which I can not lose.  Dieting for me results, overall, in weight gain.  It was bad for me, as a person and I knew it and no longer felt guilty.

OK so I didn't know WHY, but sometimes you just have to trust you are right and know.

Depression is linked to Underactive Thyroid as well, but I also think I have beaten this.  i am not saying I have not felt low over the last while, of course I have!  But I have learnt the difference between being sad and feeling physically low.  I have learnt how not to think myself into depression and how to think myself into being contented.  I believe contentment is a matter of focus, I like who I am and what I have and I appreciate and enjoy the world around me.  I try not to think too much about what I am not, what I don't have and awful the world is.  And when I do think about these things, because we all have to walk with our shadows I don't let them drag me down.  I know who and what I am and what my feelings and thoughts are and no matter how bad I feel, I am not unhappy.  And believe me I have suffered from depression in the past.  And F agrees that there was an invisible turning point when something changed inside me...

I think one or two people of the last few weeks, when I have been feeling so very bad have felt I was down due to the weather...  It will all seem better when the sun comes out.  Well somethings will be better!  But maybe not everything.

I think I have been ill for years.  The more I look at the symptoms the more likely it seems.  Not just the weight gain but sensitivity to the cold, lack of sweat, dry eyes and of course fatigue.  I have learnt how to conserve my energy for what I have to do and how to live with fatigue over a great many years.   I think there was a very small window between the end of my Glandular Fever and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and my Hypothyroidism.

I have had somewhat dry eyes for at least four years and badly dry eyes for at least two.  Shame Opticians are not Doctors, maybe I would have known sooner....  Probably not though as there is more than one hormone involved and the NHS tests are generic and do not necessarily show the specifics of the entire state of the Thyroid.  I am lucky I have an experienced and forward thinking Doctor, some people go a lot longer before being diagnosed.

but already this illness has taught me so much about myself and now I am ready to not be ill any more.  I can feel my energy levels increasing and that feeling of lowness has gone.  I got a bit carried away yesterday and did a bit too much, went a few too many places.  The energy is still fragile and I must not get carried away.  It will take a few weeks for my hormones to stabilise and then it may become clear that I need my dosage upped, so it may take months to stabilise me and give me the chance of the same energy levels as other people.  If it doesn't work out like that I am grateful for just this small increase in energy, it makes all the difference in the world!

And as to my weight?  Well not everyone loses weight when they start Thyroxine but it is possible I will just start to lose weight without having to think too much about it.  If it doesn't happen like that for me then I will need to work at it, but at least I will (hopefully) have no energy trap preventing from getting anywhere.  I am facing the possibility of not dieting but losing weight at best and at worst  having the opportunity to have diets actually work....

So from where I am sat I feel both grateful for the lessons I have learnt from this illness and the possibilities for my life to change for the better that treatment offers.  Life is looking good.

Saturday, 14 July 2012

Do and Done

Life seems full of possibilities again suddenly as I contemplate actually having energy to do some of the things I want to....

On our landing there is a small table which currently just acts as a junk holder which I would like to transform into a little mini shrine.  It used to be one but then I used it for painting BIG and it never turned back into one.

I want to get my Hearthstone and clean it up.  I want to add another layer of paint to it - maybe a Medicine Wheel.  For my Wedding I made a Wish Tree out of modeling wire wrapped with masking tape and then painted.  I want to get this tree and wrap it's roots around my Hearthstone.  I have a silk scarf I painted way back when that I used to use as a cloth for this table.  I have the little Goddess statue I made and the little Rabbit I brought and stones.  I have feathers I would like to hang in the tree.

There is a nice strip of wall above the table and I want to put each Moon's Dreamboard up there in turn.  I also want to collect prints of each of the pictures I have for each Moon and put them up on this piece of wall.  A long time ago a couple of postcards came to me, one of a giant tree growing up out of a city road intersection, another of a dying city with a huge tulip growing up and out.  I think these belong here too.  Maybe some photos of some of my Ancestors too.  Maybe some seasonal touches as well to show how things are moving along.

I also last Moon brought some smudge and a book called Sacred Smoke.  i think my house needs a good cleansing, that we have let it get a bit stagnant and full.  But I have not had the energy to do it!  Which seems ironic.

Last week in Tesco, I spotted a book called Paranormal Cornwall which was quite interesting.  In the back it listed a book called Ley Lines of the South West which sounded very interesting to me.  I looked it up and it is basically a small pamphlet style book produced by a local press and it was listed by a local bookshop.  I had a half day yesterday to visit the Doctor so I decided to go and see them and they were able to get it for me later on yesterday afternoon.  So I can go and pick it up today.

I also have been looking at the things I need to get on and do and these included visiting a graveyard for stories and so I decided to just get on and do this too and set it as something I was going to do without fail before my appointment yesterday.  And I did do it!  It felt wierd and I am not sure about what I picked up but I do feel much calmer for having done it....


So yesterday I visited the Doctor to get my second set of test results which confirmed the first set.  As I saw my regular Doctor (who I have a lot of faith in, he has experience, good sense and knowledge....) he was more able to act than the Doctor I saw last time, who seemed a bit nervous and wanted to confirm things rather than diagnose there and then.  And to be honest I understand that now because it meant diagnosing me with a condition that will be with me from now on.

I have an Underactive Thyroid.  Not really badly so, borderline as to whether or not it is at the point requiring treatment in some peoples view it seems, so not surprising the Doctor I saw the other week wanted more tests to confirm it.  My Doctor was going to prescribe me Thyroxin anyway but when I told him how bad I have been feeling over the last few weeks he was positive.

I read the symptoms of Underactive Thyroid and yes, I have a lot of them.  Some of them I have had as long as I can remember.  But the thing is, after just one little pill, I felt better.  Last night I felt warm and I still do.  I am so used to being cold.  I could feel the pulse in my hands and toes and they were toasty.  I am up and about and have energy after only 7 and half hours sleep, considerably less than my usual 9.  And I have more energy already.  As I lay in bed, before I opened my eyes i was thinking about all the things I could do today and I felt so happy and hopeful.

These last few weeks I have done so very little.  Pretty much just work and coming home to flop in front of the TV and once there I have not had to energy to bead or anything really.  F has been doing everything really...  Blogging has been one of the few things I have done, and then only at the weekend...

OK so I have this now and that is not good.  But I had it anyway and I can't change that.  I would so much rather have it and have the diagnosis and the treatment for it than live in ignorance, struggling.  And there are benefits!  This condition is one of those that qualify for a Medical Exemption Certificate for the NHS which means I will not have to pay for any drugs now.

Sunday, 8 July 2012

My Bird Friends

So I am, of course, still feeding my little feathered friends.  A few weeks back Mr and Mrs (the Magpies) appeared with some short tailed Magpies that squawked a lot and over time I have seen more and more of them and eventually I found out there were three offspring.  But they were noisy!

Whenever Mr and Mrs made it to the bird seed they ate like birds possessed and didn't fly off with any food at all.  So no little bird seed stashes.  And the youngsters didn't get fed any of the seed either, even though they stood there and sqawked.

I kinda figured that maybe the seed just wasn't really suitable for the youngsters, so I brought some meal worms.  I really didn't want to, because they are icky....  and not cheap, but I figured a little bonus might help my Magpies through this tricky patch of two feeding five.

I put down a pile of meal worms and watched as the Crows and magpies walked past it and looked at it.  The Magpies were much more curious and when the Crows had disappeared, one of them tried a few and was soon tucking in with great relish and then started flying beakfuls away to feed the youngsters.  Success!

Except of course it didn't take the Crows much longer to realise that this was food and then they started dominating the meal worms too, or at least trying.  Very soon all five Magpies were coming to feed, which was lovely to watch.  And now the youngsters are starting to half heartedly eat a little seed too.

But now the Meal worms are gone and I shan't buy any more, despite how much they loved them.  Because not only are they too expensive to buy all the time, they are dangerous too...

One day a Herring Gull came to visit and where it would allow itself to be run off the seed, it was rather imobile when it came to the worms.  Nothing the Crows could do stopped it from shoveling them down it's throat.  Of course I don't have a problem with Gulls but I know well enough that if they are start feeding regularly, I would be asked to stop putting out bird food.  On land Gulls are pests and people who feed Gulls make bad neighbours.

But there was another incident too....  The youngsters were there feeding away and one of them was being a little too pushy trying to get to the meal worms that the Crows were chowing down on.  It didn't see what happened exactly but when I looked up, there was a Crow with some black Magpie feathers in it's mouth.  I watched in horror as it spat them out and went back to feeding.  All the Magpies flew away.

Mr came to feed and spotted the feathers and very obviously recognised them and even more obviously got annoyed.  He started chattering a lot and hopping towards the Crows and made them back away.  You could almost see the Crows being nervous in the face of his wrath.

Eventually they all left.  I of course grabbed the feathers....  Four beautiful irridescent down one half of one side....

The Magpies all seem fine and have all come back but the youngsters are very definately not pushing the Crows quite as much.

They are such clever birds and anyone who tells me they don't have emotions....  I kow they communicate too.  One time a Crow was feeding when another flew up and squawked something and they both flew off.  Imagination or not, I could almost hear the Crow on the ground being told there was some nice fresh carrion somewhere....

The Jackdaws have been visiting more too which is nice to see.  They are slowly getting less nervy.  They have young too, all scrawny necked....

Most of the adults have started to moult now and are looking a little scruffy.  I have added some Herring Gull undercoat fluff feathers, a Magpie Tail feather and a Crow wing feather to my collection.

By putting out seed, no one group gets left out.  There is more than enough for the Crows and they don't mind letting the Jackdaws and Magpies have some too.  I know when they are less hungry, a lot of it gets taken away and buried for later and that is fine...  I know that their caches will see them through weekends and holidays.

But they are clever birds, they know I am not there everyday.  They know me and my car now.  They know what time I arrive, what time I leave and when I have lunch.  Sometimes a group of Magpies will sit and seranade me as I sneak back in the back way after lunch.  They are clever birds, the cleverest...

Friday, 6 July 2012

Moon of Inter-Relations Introduction

I think this is one of the easier Moons to understand from its name.  Everyone knows what inter-relations are and everyone interacts with those around them.  Whether we do it well or not is another matter of course.  I don't think I always do very well at it.

I think I am quite good at understanding people and working them out etc - but only when I take a step back and disengage from my own neediness and fear of not being accepted.  When I let that neediness and fear dominate things go a bit wrong.  I know where this all begins, in childhood, because when it comes down to it, I didn't fit when I was a kid and in many ways I still feel like fitting is something I have to work at in most places.

In many ways I think the way my brain works is far more masculine than feminine.  I am very logical and mathematical and scientific.  I have had to work at understanding and releasing my emotions.  My mind is good at rationalising emotions aways, except of course when you do that, they don't go away, they just get buried and come back and cause more problems later.... 

One example of this is attraction.  I do not believe, personally, in being unfaithful.  When I am in a relationship, I pretty literally, just am not attracted to others.  Except that is a lie, attraction is a natural part of our society and it is everywhere around us.  It has taken me a long time to accept and admit to myself when I do find someone else attractive and to not see that as a threat to my relationship.  It is just there and that's fine, I don't think about it or act on it, obviously, but it is important to not repress these reactions too.

There is one guy at work I have a soft spot for and because of that and how I deal with that, he probably doesn't even think I like him as a person!  Should I not be able to trust enough to be friends with someone I like?  And that for me is where a lot of this all hangs in the balance.  I don't trust.  I don't want to encourage male attention, I don't flirt, except with people who I completely and utterly trust and know have no interest in me in that way (except obviously my husband *laugh*). 

It all comes down to being raped.  People do not behave well so often when lust is involved.  I see it all the time.  I know a very, very attractive man and he is harassed by many of the women he has to interact with.  Luckily he is easy going and gregarious with a good sense of humour.  Even so, sometimes you can see he is uncomfortable.  Sometimes womens behaviour towards him makes me uncomfortable as an observer.  What i find particularly abhorent is how women in senior positions use those positions, intentionally or not.

As a woman, if someone pinched my bum or touched my chest I would be well within my rights to complain and take it much further.  So what gives women a right to do this to men and expect no emotional discomfort?

Anyway, I guess all this is important to me within this Moon.  What else is happening is that my tribe is changing again, one has left and another is about to join.  And who knows how this will effect us, but affect us it shall....

Going back to not belonging.  Being clever and academic and a tomboy meant I never quite fitted.  I didn't have that easy rapport and the more conscious of it I became, the harder I tried and the less I had it.  Family friends always liked my sister better, which I found hard because as a person she is much more difficult than me, but rapport is about surface not about depth and what someone is like to live with.

So at 7 I had my last year at Primary School.  Because I was so unhappy my parents decided that I should join my sister at private school as soon as I was old enough.  I had a wonderful teacher this year and we had a very fun year.  I think we did him a dis-service though.  We always thought I had not learnt as much because I had been having fun because I struggled when I changed schools, except that I accidentally got put up a year when I changed schools *laugh*.  In reality, his teaching methods put me ahead enough that no one realised I had jumped a year....

I remember it being so hot that I had to stand outside in the cool because my nose kept bleeding.  I remember being top of the class with my friend L.  I remember liking horses and I think this was the beginning of that.  I remember devouring books.  I remember a lesson where we did some geometrical construction and really liking that.  I remember learning my times tables and getting stars.

Towards the end of the year I suddenly discovered that I liked playing with the boys and that they were much easier going and relaxed about me joining them.  i remember playing with the two Kevin's and running around through the trees (where we probably should not have been).  The shame of this was, having just probably found my way through, I moved to a girls school.

My next two years of Inter-relationship have been marked by bullying.  At 20 I had succumbed to glandular fever again and was becoming more and more of a wreak as I slowly slid towards my nervous breakdown at 21.  My salvation was again a man and at the beginning of this year I started going out with someone I lived with for several years and will always remember fondly. 

Unfortunately within this social group there was a girl who was rather unpleasant.  She had had a difficult life for sure and was somewhat messed up.  She was tough but mean with a wounded inner child.  She was getting at a friend and my bf and I stood up to her and the lies she was spreading.  Everything got sorted and her part was soon forgotten, but she never forgot or forgave me my part in it.  As I slowly crumbled she picked at my weaknesses.  I am sure I would have had a nervous breakdown no matter what happened, but the exact timing of it was down to her.

Interestingly some of my earlier stronger dreams focused around her and as a result I have a promise that if ever I win the lottery, I shall use some of the money to track her down.  Not to punish her or any other such thing, but because she will need my help and forgiveness.  There is a bond of karma there which I have no intention of taking through to the next life.

My last year of Inter-Relations was the year my Boss started bullying me.  She didn't get me to leave and things are calm between us now.  You might almost think us friends, but don't think i will ever forget my knowledge of what she is truly like.  She too is damaged beyond repair.  More recently I had a dream that told me she would kill herself.  I can well believe that one day it might all get to much for to take and I do not wish for that to happen.

I would like to think that in some way I beat this cycle within this moon and that it won't be like this for me again.  With out a doubt this has been a tough Moon for me previously.  Last year was eventful but alright.  S came to live with us for a month or so due to his own issues.

My Dreamboard for this Moon is not a busy one.  a pod of Dolphins swimming within a wave. A forest canopy.  A sea cliff with a hole in it with wild waves spilling through.  A dark and wrecked city where a fire burns and a shadowy figure keeps warm. A Peacock.  A Red Kite.  Words about hope and fear and new beginnings....

Moon of Territoriality Review

OK so this is a few days late....  This has not been an easy Moon for me at all.  Emotions have not been the issue but the misunderstood territory of my own body.  I have been so very tired with it all but despite being able to do very little apart from go to work, I have not generally been down.  Illness has previously taught me when to hunker down and not push forward so hard.  Acceptance comes much more easily now.

But although I am acceptant of how I feel in the Now, I am not complacent about the future.  I have been going to the Doctors, bringing up symptoms, having tests.  Sometimes in the past, I have allowed myself to be swept away by the Doctors and have not gotten very far.  No saying how far I shall get this time but I am trying to push.

I think because I am overweight it is easy for my issues to be blamed on that rather than for them to see that my weight is just a symptom of some deeper issue that no one has been able to resolve.  The lady who I go to for Massages agrees wholeheartedly that some thing is fundamentally wrong with my body.

When I found out I had a virus lurking I immediately booked a massage so she could pummel my lymph and help clear it out of my body and today I feel fragile.  I am glad I booked a day off because it meant she was able to go really hard at it.

This Moon has fundamentally been about the only thing any one of us ever really own - our bodies.  It has not been about emotions or thinking or even really moving forward in many, many ways.  It has just been about being in my own skin.

Comfortable in My Skin Contest

This beautiful picture here is the one I have choosen for this Moon.  I think I look a bit like this in my own head maybe *laugh* but mainly it is about how the woman in the photo is just so very much in their own body.  Their territory is their Body.

I don't know if I said about the totem for this Moon....  Having wondered whether or not it was Grasshopper, I waited for some synchronicity.  The following day we were at our drumming circle, which was a lovely occasion.  The birds were behaving unusually though.  It was full daylight and we could hear an Owl calling and I have never heard an Owl call in the day before.  And then at the end I could hear a bird that sounded exactly like a Grasshopper!  It was a completely new one on me and on the people I was with, including the land owner who used to work in nature conservation.  One person told me there was a bird called a Grasshopper Warbler and said it could be one of those.  I listened to one online and yes...  I think hearing this bird counts as confirmation of my totem for this Moon but it amuses me that it was a bird that confirmed it for me.  Birds feature really strongly in my Wheel which surprises me.

The young Warrior picked up the pot and smeared the salve on to his bare skin.  With every stroke of his fingers he vanished, every little thing that built over the years, emotion, experience, thought.  Until there was nothing left but him, in the moment, stripped bare and coloured blue, with feathers bound in his hair, their inky depths just adding shadows within shadows.

The blue marked the boundary of everything that he was, his animal shell but he was at one with all around him.  Then he and his brethren were walking forward through the gloom to wait the men that would come.  And whether or not he died here did not matter.  He was himself, at one, in the moment and living his fate, with no fear or excitement, just his skill, practiced until it became instinct and his spear and his blue, blue skin.

The Crows gathered in the trees beyond and waited for their time to come.  Part of him stayed behind with the Crows and watched.  Watched as blue ran red.  And black beaks and legs turned red with the magic of blood.  In two places at once and then there was only pain as skin left and only feathers remained.

Not what I expected to write...  Writing it made me want to cry.  Living in this land in ancient times and in some nameless life being a warrior and fighting does not seem unlikely.  There is a legend that King Arthur's soul was carried away by a Crow who was transformed in to a Chough, which have red legs and beaks.  If King Arthur, why not other commoner fighting men?  Given my kinship to the Crows and their Cousins in this life, why not in previous lives too?  I am surprised by how much this hurts...

Thursday, 5 July 2012

This last moon has been hard for me.  My hormones have been flying all over the place and it seems I have a virus too.  I have been so very, very tired.  I have not felt like writing much and going to work has been about as much as I have done....

I feel a little behind in my thinking as a result.  The full moon came and went at the beginning of the week and my normal routine has not taken place.  I did my Dreamboard last night finally but I have not reviewed last Moon or looked at this now current moon either.

I also have not started writing my dreams down again - mostly because I have been too blurgh to get my act back into gear.  I have not smudged my house.  I have not contacted my friend to start doing things with her again - spirit type things.

To be honest I have done, very, very little.  And I am fine with that but I don't want to let go of those things waiting to be done either because they are important to me.  Still I have booked a little time off and hopefully I will muster up enough energy to do some of the things on my list.

I have to apologise as well to people I should be in better contact with but am not....