So I am feeling quiet right now. This happens every so often and this time of year is a point when it often does. It is nearing my Birthday, my personal year end and year beginning and things are ending and beginning all around me. A lot of the stories I just don't want to talk about yet because I don't have the ends, but other things I just don't seem to want to talk about.
Maybe there is just too much going on that I have not figured out exactly. Maybe I just have too many feelings. I woke up grumpy this morning, unable to get back to sleep at 6.30. This is not to say life is bad... quite the opposite. But I am avoiding people. I am not leaving blog comments or comments on facebook or elsewhere that I should. I am not returning my Mum's calls.
Maybe that's because they are moving out of my soul home sometime over the next couple of weeks and I just don't know what to say.
Maybe it's because my sister upset me when she was down and although everything is OK, the hurt remains a little and I don't want to have to tell my Mum what happened and have her try and mediate, because there is nothing to mediate.
Maybe it's because my dosage has been doubled and I don't want to have to analyse how I am doing to tell people where I am at yet, I don't know and I am taking each day as it comes.
Maybe it's because I am avoiding making some decisions about when and how to spend a lot of money visiting friends and there just won't be time to visit my folks in there too.
Maybe it's because I have not even discussed those visits with F yet.
Maybe it's because I have been having some really, really dark dreams which suggest that all the hard work I have done on myself over the years is not finished and because I have no idea how to resolve the next step. But maybe the signs are that also, this is nearing the end of it....
Maybe it's because it's 2012 and the world feels like it's shifting under my feet a little, maybe I am scared of what might happen a little, I don't know, maybe I am scared nothing at all will happen....
Maybe despite my absolute joy over my friends newly announced pregnancy, maybe it just brings home to me that babies are still some way off for me, due to health, if they ever come at all...
But in that list, there is nothing I can not deal with and won't deal with, I am just very much in a lying low period.
On the good side however...
I went to an amazing drum circle. Different circles have different energies and feelings, in part because of the different work you do at each circle. There was a lot of new people at this one but it was also focusing on balance for the Equinox. The feeling was absolutely blissful, with out being spacey, it was a really beautiful afternoon. My journeys were nothing earth shattering, which is fine right now. In fact my main journey repeated the journey I had for the Spring Equinox. I danced through the elements and then danced into my Dragon. The Dragon has been my totem for this year as it is my totem for Breaking Masks. It was lovely, but it was not about me so much. Maybe dancing the elements with my Dragon is something that should be done every Equinox, I am sure if it is, I shall find myself on this journey again.
We also did little journeys for someone else. The person I worked with did not so much journey for me as do some healing on me, and it was lovely and I could feel it and I think I needed it more than a journey right now. My journey for them, did not seem like much to me, but when I told them, it turned out to be a message they had been given before and it was greatly appreciated.
A friend at the circle is a felter and is going to show me how to felt. While talking she told me about a Swan shawl she made with Swan feathers felted into it. of course I want a corvid shawl now, and the Magpies have been really, really generous this week....
All my birds are doing fine, and I was most surprised when I looked up from my book the other day, to admire the flock of jackdaws, the Crows and the Magpies, to see a new comer.... I had my first Rook! It is a like a little Corvid social party *laugh* I have never seen a Rook in that area, so how it found it's way there I have no idea, maybe he heard from his Cousins. I imagine he will be back, probably with friends. What was surprising though was that even though it was his first time there with me sat only about two meters away, he took his cue from the others and was completely unphased by me
My hair has changed colour, from purple with neon purple splodges to blue black with violet and neon purple that makes it looke like it has an ultraviolet sheen. I like it. Next time I may have blue and green and look like a Magpie....
I am feeling better, but I am still waiting and I guess part of me is waiting for me to dip down again. Things feel steadier this time but all I can do is wait.
But something really, really amazing is in the process of coming my way, something I have been waiting for, for some time. Something I am bursting with excitement over! And I can't wait to bring that story together....
Life IS good
Showing posts with label Health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Health. Show all posts
Sunday, 23 September 2012
Saturday, 11 August 2012
Moon of Surrender Introduction
Surrender is all about going with the flow, not resisting, not fighting. Wheelkeeper describes it as letting go of the emotional reactions, the reactions of our ego. Surrendering is nowhere near the same as repressing though, repressing is unhealthy. Of course we all have emotional reactions but the important thing is to do the work in understanding these reactions. Looking at Fears, understanding why we are angry and so on....
This feels like a good Moon for me right now as I adjust to my changing body. And things are changing. The more I read the more I realise that all my health problems are related to my Thyroid and I have many years of problems to turn back through. It started at 8 with Hydradenitus Surrativa, a skin condition I still have (possible cause of later thyroid problems). Then at 12 I got strange pains in my joints that were diagnosed as Rheumatism, they went away in my late teens. At 14 I got very ill and although tests never confirmed it was Glandular Fever it probably was. Then at 19 I definately got Glandular Fever and it turned into Chronic Fatigue. After I moved to Cornwall I developed Hayfever, IBS and dry eyes. Shortly after giving up smoking I started to pile on weight, that no diet ever permanently shifted, in fact diets resulted in me putting on more weight in the long run. Depression has haunted me through the years too, causing me to do so much work on myself that eventually I got to a place of contentment, when you know you have nothing else to be sad about you know how you feel is physical not mental.... And through all this there has been never-ending tiredness....
I don't think I had realised how tired I really felt. The last few months when it got really bad and mucked up all my hormones too, I didn't have the nergy to even feel, I was just in a complete fog. As this fog has lifted, all the other niggles have become evident. My stomach now tells me when it feels full or when I have eaten badly I feel queasy. I feel strange pains. My head fog has lifted enough for me to be conscious of what remains, a headache that comes and goes. My IBS has vanished completely. My Rheumatism returned. The clock is turning back for my body, but I am not daft enough to think that all that damage can go overnight.
I am making progress and this I am overjoyed at! I hope to work with my Doctor to get my dosage right and experiment with drugs till I find the right cocktail. I am so thankful he decided to diagnose me. But I do need to surrender to this process. I can not rush it....
This has always been a tricky Moon for me. First time round at the age of 8, I changed school. I went from a mixed school to a girls school, state run to private run and I got bumped up a year by accident too. It was really tough. I had just started to realise I was a tomboy and started to find my place and now I was with a bunch of girls... I was also with a group of girls who came from much richer homes than I did, many of whom were living away from home for the first time and dealing with things I could not imagine, comfy inmy secure family, going home every night. These difficulties cause them to bond very closely in ways us few day girls could never match. Then too, I had gone from being top of my class, to being bottom, being tested for Dyslexia and receiving extra tuition at break times....
Everything about me rebelled. This was when my skin first started to erupt. And other things erupted too. I had so much anger and frustration inside me, and they came out. The other girls would wind me up and I would lose it and hit out like a windmill with all my might. Some girls would wind me up on purpose. I hated it, hated losing control. And of course it only made things worse, not better.
I learnt to ruthlessly control my anger, and along with it many of my other emotions too. But Anger is such a positive and powerful thing in the right place. It protects us and helps keep us safe. With it comes our passion, our fire and they bring creativity. In repressing my Anger, I lost so very much. In later years a friend conducted an exercise with me where different seats in a room represented me, my anger and other times and feelings in such a way as I could talk with my anger. It was very powerful and moving. My anger was so sad. It had been the anger of an eight year old and it had been trying to help as best it knew, trying to protect me. This was a real turning point for me, late on in my second Year of Surrender. It was probably the first bit of work that resulted in me returning a piece of my shattered soul to it's home. It didn't happen overnight, it took time and work and persistence...
My second year of Surrender had begun very badly, or very well, depending on your view. I collapsed under the strain of carrying my emotional pain and repression from the rape a year before and had a nervouse breakdown. I had to break in order to get well I think, but my 21st birthday was horrid, a meal with just my parents in a pub we never go to and have never been since, sat in a corner feeling retched.
Breaking allowed me to mend and I started to remake my world from scratch, looking at everything I thought and felt and deciding what to keep and looking for new material to fill the gaps. I had counselling and I read and read. On my return to the city I temped and eventually began a job where I met the lady who helped with my Anger. I remember deciding that I did not want to let my experiences make me hard or cynical. I guess this year was all about mending.
I had a lovely boyfriend at the time, who I will always be fond of. I remember one counselling session released my anger, but of course I had no idea what to do with it! And there was so much! We had some chipped ornaments and broken things and my bf and I took them into the garden so I could smash them to pieces. But I was still angry. So we went upstairs and shouted and screamed at each other. So convincing did we sound that a housemate watching TV in the extension to the house came up to our attic room to make sure we were not killing each other....
This year not only saved my life, but I had the opportunity to save someone else's. One of my housemates tried to kill himself after a break up and I was the only one in the house at the time. I think such a thing creates a powerful bond. He has had a hard road, dealing with addiction and mental health issues, but he seems to have come out the other side, and he has a beautiful daughter now...
Last year was my third year of Surrender and to be honest it was pretty calm! I first dreamed of being a Dreamer early on in the year and went on to connect with Lisa. I took part in BIG, an e-course looking at intuitive painting. Things began to settle a little for me at work. The Little Princess left and my Boss started on the path of trying to repair the damage, mostly by blaming it all on the Little Princess and pretending it never happened - which is fine, society depends on these polite fictions!
Surrender for me last year, was all about reconnecting with the Universe, with the magic, with my place in things and who I truly am. I quite like Surrender, but it really has not been easy for me over the years....
So this next month, I am just going to keep on keeping on. Waiting and watching. Onwards and upwards.
This feels like a good Moon for me right now as I adjust to my changing body. And things are changing. The more I read the more I realise that all my health problems are related to my Thyroid and I have many years of problems to turn back through. It started at 8 with Hydradenitus Surrativa, a skin condition I still have (possible cause of later thyroid problems). Then at 12 I got strange pains in my joints that were diagnosed as Rheumatism, they went away in my late teens. At 14 I got very ill and although tests never confirmed it was Glandular Fever it probably was. Then at 19 I definately got Glandular Fever and it turned into Chronic Fatigue. After I moved to Cornwall I developed Hayfever, IBS and dry eyes. Shortly after giving up smoking I started to pile on weight, that no diet ever permanently shifted, in fact diets resulted in me putting on more weight in the long run. Depression has haunted me through the years too, causing me to do so much work on myself that eventually I got to a place of contentment, when you know you have nothing else to be sad about you know how you feel is physical not mental.... And through all this there has been never-ending tiredness....
I don't think I had realised how tired I really felt. The last few months when it got really bad and mucked up all my hormones too, I didn't have the nergy to even feel, I was just in a complete fog. As this fog has lifted, all the other niggles have become evident. My stomach now tells me when it feels full or when I have eaten badly I feel queasy. I feel strange pains. My head fog has lifted enough for me to be conscious of what remains, a headache that comes and goes. My IBS has vanished completely. My Rheumatism returned. The clock is turning back for my body, but I am not daft enough to think that all that damage can go overnight.
I am making progress and this I am overjoyed at! I hope to work with my Doctor to get my dosage right and experiment with drugs till I find the right cocktail. I am so thankful he decided to diagnose me. But I do need to surrender to this process. I can not rush it....
This has always been a tricky Moon for me. First time round at the age of 8, I changed school. I went from a mixed school to a girls school, state run to private run and I got bumped up a year by accident too. It was really tough. I had just started to realise I was a tomboy and started to find my place and now I was with a bunch of girls... I was also with a group of girls who came from much richer homes than I did, many of whom were living away from home for the first time and dealing with things I could not imagine, comfy inmy secure family, going home every night. These difficulties cause them to bond very closely in ways us few day girls could never match. Then too, I had gone from being top of my class, to being bottom, being tested for Dyslexia and receiving extra tuition at break times....
Everything about me rebelled. This was when my skin first started to erupt. And other things erupted too. I had so much anger and frustration inside me, and they came out. The other girls would wind me up and I would lose it and hit out like a windmill with all my might. Some girls would wind me up on purpose. I hated it, hated losing control. And of course it only made things worse, not better.
I learnt to ruthlessly control my anger, and along with it many of my other emotions too. But Anger is such a positive and powerful thing in the right place. It protects us and helps keep us safe. With it comes our passion, our fire and they bring creativity. In repressing my Anger, I lost so very much. In later years a friend conducted an exercise with me where different seats in a room represented me, my anger and other times and feelings in such a way as I could talk with my anger. It was very powerful and moving. My anger was so sad. It had been the anger of an eight year old and it had been trying to help as best it knew, trying to protect me. This was a real turning point for me, late on in my second Year of Surrender. It was probably the first bit of work that resulted in me returning a piece of my shattered soul to it's home. It didn't happen overnight, it took time and work and persistence...
My second year of Surrender had begun very badly, or very well, depending on your view. I collapsed under the strain of carrying my emotional pain and repression from the rape a year before and had a nervouse breakdown. I had to break in order to get well I think, but my 21st birthday was horrid, a meal with just my parents in a pub we never go to and have never been since, sat in a corner feeling retched.
Breaking allowed me to mend and I started to remake my world from scratch, looking at everything I thought and felt and deciding what to keep and looking for new material to fill the gaps. I had counselling and I read and read. On my return to the city I temped and eventually began a job where I met the lady who helped with my Anger. I remember deciding that I did not want to let my experiences make me hard or cynical. I guess this year was all about mending.
I had a lovely boyfriend at the time, who I will always be fond of. I remember one counselling session released my anger, but of course I had no idea what to do with it! And there was so much! We had some chipped ornaments and broken things and my bf and I took them into the garden so I could smash them to pieces. But I was still angry. So we went upstairs and shouted and screamed at each other. So convincing did we sound that a housemate watching TV in the extension to the house came up to our attic room to make sure we were not killing each other....
This year not only saved my life, but I had the opportunity to save someone else's. One of my housemates tried to kill himself after a break up and I was the only one in the house at the time. I think such a thing creates a powerful bond. He has had a hard road, dealing with addiction and mental health issues, but he seems to have come out the other side, and he has a beautiful daughter now...
Last year was my third year of Surrender and to be honest it was pretty calm! I first dreamed of being a Dreamer early on in the year and went on to connect with Lisa. I took part in BIG, an e-course looking at intuitive painting. Things began to settle a little for me at work. The Little Princess left and my Boss started on the path of trying to repair the damage, mostly by blaming it all on the Little Princess and pretending it never happened - which is fine, society depends on these polite fictions!
Surrender for me last year, was all about reconnecting with the Universe, with the magic, with my place in things and who I truly am. I quite like Surrender, but it really has not been easy for me over the years....
So this next month, I am just going to keep on keeping on. Waiting and watching. Onwards and upwards.
Wednesday, 8 August 2012
Moon of Inter-Relations Review
Well what a Moon!
I can understand now, why I did not feel entirely connected with this Moon and why my Dreamboard was as it was.
For me, Inter-relations took a back step. The only sign I had of my totem, I think, for this Moon was a dream where I was diving (bizarely with my Boss) looking for Sharks. We didn't find any. I think I was being told that Shark was the one but that I was not in this Moon so much.
So where was I? The Moon of Welcome....
I had several dreams about Wasps instead at the beginning of the Moon which for me is my totem for the Moon of Welcome. I had one where I had a Wasp between my finger and thumb but I could not move my fingers. The Wasp was struggling to free it self and broke itself in two, leaving me holding the stonging end.
Then there was the one where the Wasps burrowing under my home decided they needed more space and started burrowing outwards.
There was more but I have been so bad at writing it down recently....
And why did I need Welcome? Because my life was about to change.
Of course anyone reading my blog will know what happened next. I was diagnosed with Underactive Thyroid and began treatment. I have steadily started to feel better but I have years of accumalated damage to my body to undo, so I think it will be some time before I feel 100% but I feel soooo much better than I have in years.
And my bleak Dreamboard of last month sums it up perfectly.... A rocky, cliffy bit sticking out to see with a hole through which the waves are crashing. A fire burning in a shattered urban scene. The words hope and gnawing fear. Oh yes. They all make sense now.
But inter-relations - sure they have been there, but so far this year, I have personally been in the Moons that have been collective so I have been able to focus on them completely... This time, I was personally dealing with Welcome. And my relationships have changed a bit this moon too. A new colleague.... but I really don't have to much to say about it all....
Oh and this was my song of the moon....
I probably should not have posted this yesterday because I was not finished!
This Moon has been more about Fire than Inter-relations but still.... So this is a beautiful picture of linked fire....
She burned, high in the sky and her sisters watched her burn and they burned with her. In all the darkness, the only thing there was, was light, unless you looked a lot closer. Where there was light other things gathered like moths to a flame. Even so, it was not for others that they burned. They burned for themselves, gloriously, selfishly even. And they sang and her song made harmonies with the songs of her sisters.
One time, one of the Sisters looked around her suddenly, and for the first time realised that there was more and her song faltered. As her song sputtered out, so did that of her Sisters and one called to her 'Sister! Sister! What is wrong?'
and all she said in return was 'Look...' indeed it was all she could say, so engrossed in looking was she herself. So they all looked and they were astounded. And for the first time ever, they wanted to be something other than stars, burning in the coldness of space, singing with a heartbreaking beauty, they wanted to feel.
The first sister reached towards the planet she viewed and before she knew it, she had stepped out of her burning fire. In shock, she turned and looked at it, but then she smiled for she knew she was being given a gift. She also knew her time was limited for her fire would burn forever without her, without being tended and fed by her soul. She cast herself a beam of starlight towards where she had been looking and began to walk to wards it tentatively, but as she grew in confidence she started to speed up.
'Sister! Sister! Wait!' they called after her as they too stepped away from their fires and started to follow her, and before they knew it, they were all flying at the speed of thought towards something they had never experienced before. And they knew that nothing would be the same again and for better or for worse, they could never stay.
I can understand now, why I did not feel entirely connected with this Moon and why my Dreamboard was as it was.
For me, Inter-relations took a back step. The only sign I had of my totem, I think, for this Moon was a dream where I was diving (bizarely with my Boss) looking for Sharks. We didn't find any. I think I was being told that Shark was the one but that I was not in this Moon so much.
So where was I? The Moon of Welcome....
I had several dreams about Wasps instead at the beginning of the Moon which for me is my totem for the Moon of Welcome. I had one where I had a Wasp between my finger and thumb but I could not move my fingers. The Wasp was struggling to free it self and broke itself in two, leaving me holding the stonging end.
Then there was the one where the Wasps burrowing under my home decided they needed more space and started burrowing outwards.
There was more but I have been so bad at writing it down recently....
And why did I need Welcome? Because my life was about to change.
Of course anyone reading my blog will know what happened next. I was diagnosed with Underactive Thyroid and began treatment. I have steadily started to feel better but I have years of accumalated damage to my body to undo, so I think it will be some time before I feel 100% but I feel soooo much better than I have in years.
And my bleak Dreamboard of last month sums it up perfectly.... A rocky, cliffy bit sticking out to see with a hole through which the waves are crashing. A fire burning in a shattered urban scene. The words hope and gnawing fear. Oh yes. They all make sense now.
But inter-relations - sure they have been there, but so far this year, I have personally been in the Moons that have been collective so I have been able to focus on them completely... This time, I was personally dealing with Welcome. And my relationships have changed a bit this moon too. A new colleague.... but I really don't have to much to say about it all....
Oh and this was my song of the moon....
I probably should not have posted this yesterday because I was not finished!
This Moon has been more about Fire than Inter-relations but still.... So this is a beautiful picture of linked fire....
She burned, high in the sky and her sisters watched her burn and they burned with her. In all the darkness, the only thing there was, was light, unless you looked a lot closer. Where there was light other things gathered like moths to a flame. Even so, it was not for others that they burned. They burned for themselves, gloriously, selfishly even. And they sang and her song made harmonies with the songs of her sisters.
One time, one of the Sisters looked around her suddenly, and for the first time realised that there was more and her song faltered. As her song sputtered out, so did that of her Sisters and one called to her 'Sister! Sister! What is wrong?'
and all she said in return was 'Look...' indeed it was all she could say, so engrossed in looking was she herself. So they all looked and they were astounded. And for the first time ever, they wanted to be something other than stars, burning in the coldness of space, singing with a heartbreaking beauty, they wanted to feel.
The first sister reached towards the planet she viewed and before she knew it, she had stepped out of her burning fire. In shock, she turned and looked at it, but then she smiled for she knew she was being given a gift. She also knew her time was limited for her fire would burn forever without her, without being tended and fed by her soul. She cast herself a beam of starlight towards where she had been looking and began to walk to wards it tentatively, but as she grew in confidence she started to speed up.
'Sister! Sister! Wait!' they called after her as they too stepped away from their fires and started to follow her, and before they knew it, they were all flying at the speed of thought towards something they had never experienced before. And they knew that nothing would be the same again and for better or for worse, they could never stay.
Sunday, 22 July 2012
Up and Down
It's all kind of up and down right now. Not knowing if these pills will work for me. Not knowing how long it will take for them to work. Not knowing to what degree of wellness they might help me get back too. Not knowing which of my other conditions are linked... Jus generally not knowing.... and waiting...
And to be honest I amscared to hope too much. but I do. I want to be fully healthy again, who wouldn't?
For now though the sun is shining and I have family to go and see.
And to be honest I amscared to hope too much. but I do. I want to be fully healthy again, who wouldn't?
For now though the sun is shining and I have family to go and see.
Sunday, 15 July 2012
Fat
I have gotten used to being judged. People see Fatness and they decide it is your fault. You eat too much. You don't exercise. You must be a little thick. You must be looking for a boring sedentary life. You get on well with people because you are a bit needy, not just because you have a good personality. You are less attractive.
I remember on the odd occasion seeing some woman look at F and think, 'oh he's quite nice.' and then look at me and realise we are together and give that look of 'what on earth is he doing with you.'
It all happens.
But being fat has made me more confident. Maybe I dealt with other peoples views and because I am in a different place and know they are wrong, they no longer have the power to hurt me. I don't need to be attractive. I don't need other people to fancy me. I don't need other people to validate my intelligence. I don't want a sedentary life but I am quite happy with what I have. I began to understand it was not my fault I ate too much and didn't feel like exercising. I no longer felt the need to try either. Or to apologise for my lack of desire to try.
I knew that when I dieted, things went wrong, after a couple of weeks I was pretty much crippled. I couldn't function enough to hold down my job without returning to the sugar. It just was not possible. And when you have just enough energy to do your job, where do you find more to go out running? Recently I was talking to a health care professional and we got on to the subject ofmy weight and she asked if I had tried dieting and said they had vouchers if I was interested. I said no and explained. Many people see obesity as the result of a lack of personal care rather than a symptom and although she was good and professional, I could still feel that judgement, but it no longer bothered me at all. I knew.
And I have learnt the hard way that dieting is counterproductive for me. Having forced my metabolism to an even lower ebb by not eating as much until I am crippled by fatigue, when I do return to eating more I put on more weight which I can not lose. Dieting for me results, overall, in weight gain. It was bad for me, as a person and I knew it and no longer felt guilty.
OK so I didn't know WHY, but sometimes you just have to trust you are right and know.
Depression is linked to Underactive Thyroid as well, but I also think I have beaten this. i am not saying I have not felt low over the last while, of course I have! But I have learnt the difference between being sad and feeling physically low. I have learnt how not to think myself into depression and how to think myself into being contented. I believe contentment is a matter of focus, I like who I am and what I have and I appreciate and enjoy the world around me. I try not to think too much about what I am not, what I don't have and awful the world is. And when I do think about these things, because we all have to walk with our shadows I don't let them drag me down. I know who and what I am and what my feelings and thoughts are and no matter how bad I feel, I am not unhappy. And believe me I have suffered from depression in the past. And F agrees that there was an invisible turning point when something changed inside me...
I think one or two people of the last few weeks, when I have been feeling so very bad have felt I was down due to the weather... It will all seem better when the sun comes out. Well somethings will be better! But maybe not everything.
I think I have been ill for years. The more I look at the symptoms the more likely it seems. Not just the weight gain but sensitivity to the cold, lack of sweat, dry eyes and of course fatigue. I have learnt how to conserve my energy for what I have to do and how to live with fatigue over a great many years. I think there was a very small window between the end of my Glandular Fever and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and my Hypothyroidism.
I have had somewhat dry eyes for at least four years and badly dry eyes for at least two. Shame Opticians are not Doctors, maybe I would have known sooner.... Probably not though as there is more than one hormone involved and the NHS tests are generic and do not necessarily show the specifics of the entire state of the Thyroid. I am lucky I have an experienced and forward thinking Doctor, some people go a lot longer before being diagnosed.
but already this illness has taught me so much about myself and now I am ready to not be ill any more. I can feel my energy levels increasing and that feeling of lowness has gone. I got a bit carried away yesterday and did a bit too much, went a few too many places. The energy is still fragile and I must not get carried away. It will take a few weeks for my hormones to stabilise and then it may become clear that I need my dosage upped, so it may take months to stabilise me and give me the chance of the same energy levels as other people. If it doesn't work out like that I am grateful for just this small increase in energy, it makes all the difference in the world!
And as to my weight? Well not everyone loses weight when they start Thyroxine but it is possible I will just start to lose weight without having to think too much about it. If it doesn't happen like that for me then I will need to work at it, but at least I will (hopefully) have no energy trap preventing from getting anywhere. I am facing the possibility of not dieting but losing weight at best and at worst having the opportunity to have diets actually work....
So from where I am sat I feel both grateful for the lessons I have learnt from this illness and the possibilities for my life to change for the better that treatment offers. Life is looking good.
I remember on the odd occasion seeing some woman look at F and think, 'oh he's quite nice.' and then look at me and realise we are together and give that look of 'what on earth is he doing with you.'
It all happens.
But being fat has made me more confident. Maybe I dealt with other peoples views and because I am in a different place and know they are wrong, they no longer have the power to hurt me. I don't need to be attractive. I don't need other people to fancy me. I don't need other people to validate my intelligence. I don't want a sedentary life but I am quite happy with what I have. I began to understand it was not my fault I ate too much and didn't feel like exercising. I no longer felt the need to try either. Or to apologise for my lack of desire to try.
I knew that when I dieted, things went wrong, after a couple of weeks I was pretty much crippled. I couldn't function enough to hold down my job without returning to the sugar. It just was not possible. And when you have just enough energy to do your job, where do you find more to go out running? Recently I was talking to a health care professional and we got on to the subject ofmy weight and she asked if I had tried dieting and said they had vouchers if I was interested. I said no and explained. Many people see obesity as the result of a lack of personal care rather than a symptom and although she was good and professional, I could still feel that judgement, but it no longer bothered me at all. I knew.
And I have learnt the hard way that dieting is counterproductive for me. Having forced my metabolism to an even lower ebb by not eating as much until I am crippled by fatigue, when I do return to eating more I put on more weight which I can not lose. Dieting for me results, overall, in weight gain. It was bad for me, as a person and I knew it and no longer felt guilty.
OK so I didn't know WHY, but sometimes you just have to trust you are right and know.
Depression is linked to Underactive Thyroid as well, but I also think I have beaten this. i am not saying I have not felt low over the last while, of course I have! But I have learnt the difference between being sad and feeling physically low. I have learnt how not to think myself into depression and how to think myself into being contented. I believe contentment is a matter of focus, I like who I am and what I have and I appreciate and enjoy the world around me. I try not to think too much about what I am not, what I don't have and awful the world is. And when I do think about these things, because we all have to walk with our shadows I don't let them drag me down. I know who and what I am and what my feelings and thoughts are and no matter how bad I feel, I am not unhappy. And believe me I have suffered from depression in the past. And F agrees that there was an invisible turning point when something changed inside me...
I think one or two people of the last few weeks, when I have been feeling so very bad have felt I was down due to the weather... It will all seem better when the sun comes out. Well somethings will be better! But maybe not everything.
I think I have been ill for years. The more I look at the symptoms the more likely it seems. Not just the weight gain but sensitivity to the cold, lack of sweat, dry eyes and of course fatigue. I have learnt how to conserve my energy for what I have to do and how to live with fatigue over a great many years. I think there was a very small window between the end of my Glandular Fever and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and my Hypothyroidism.
I have had somewhat dry eyes for at least four years and badly dry eyes for at least two. Shame Opticians are not Doctors, maybe I would have known sooner.... Probably not though as there is more than one hormone involved and the NHS tests are generic and do not necessarily show the specifics of the entire state of the Thyroid. I am lucky I have an experienced and forward thinking Doctor, some people go a lot longer before being diagnosed.
but already this illness has taught me so much about myself and now I am ready to not be ill any more. I can feel my energy levels increasing and that feeling of lowness has gone. I got a bit carried away yesterday and did a bit too much, went a few too many places. The energy is still fragile and I must not get carried away. It will take a few weeks for my hormones to stabilise and then it may become clear that I need my dosage upped, so it may take months to stabilise me and give me the chance of the same energy levels as other people. If it doesn't work out like that I am grateful for just this small increase in energy, it makes all the difference in the world!
And as to my weight? Well not everyone loses weight when they start Thyroxine but it is possible I will just start to lose weight without having to think too much about it. If it doesn't happen like that for me then I will need to work at it, but at least I will (hopefully) have no energy trap preventing from getting anywhere. I am facing the possibility of not dieting but losing weight at best and at worst having the opportunity to have diets actually work....
So from where I am sat I feel both grateful for the lessons I have learnt from this illness and the possibilities for my life to change for the better that treatment offers. Life is looking good.
Saturday, 14 July 2012
Diagnosis
So yesterday I visited the Doctor to get my second set of test results which confirmed the first set. As I saw my regular Doctor (who I have a lot of faith in, he has experience, good sense and knowledge....) he was more able to act than the Doctor I saw last time, who seemed a bit nervous and wanted to confirm things rather than diagnose there and then. And to be honest I understand that now because it meant diagnosing me with a condition that will be with me from now on.
I have an Underactive Thyroid. Not really badly so, borderline as to whether or not it is at the point requiring treatment in some peoples view it seems, so not surprising the Doctor I saw the other week wanted more tests to confirm it. My Doctor was going to prescribe me Thyroxin anyway but when I told him how bad I have been feeling over the last few weeks he was positive.
I read the symptoms of Underactive Thyroid and yes, I have a lot of them. Some of them I have had as long as I can remember. But the thing is, after just one little pill, I felt better. Last night I felt warm and I still do. I am so used to being cold. I could feel the pulse in my hands and toes and they were toasty. I am up and about and have energy after only 7 and half hours sleep, considerably less than my usual 9. And I have more energy already. As I lay in bed, before I opened my eyes i was thinking about all the things I could do today and I felt so happy and hopeful.
These last few weeks I have done so very little. Pretty much just work and coming home to flop in front of the TV and once there I have not had to energy to bead or anything really. F has been doing everything really... Blogging has been one of the few things I have done, and then only at the weekend...
OK so I have this now and that is not good. But I had it anyway and I can't change that. I would so much rather have it and have the diagnosis and the treatment for it than live in ignorance, struggling. And there are benefits! This condition is one of those that qualify for a Medical Exemption Certificate for the NHS which means I will not have to pay for any drugs now.
I have an Underactive Thyroid. Not really badly so, borderline as to whether or not it is at the point requiring treatment in some peoples view it seems, so not surprising the Doctor I saw the other week wanted more tests to confirm it. My Doctor was going to prescribe me Thyroxin anyway but when I told him how bad I have been feeling over the last few weeks he was positive.
I read the symptoms of Underactive Thyroid and yes, I have a lot of them. Some of them I have had as long as I can remember. But the thing is, after just one little pill, I felt better. Last night I felt warm and I still do. I am so used to being cold. I could feel the pulse in my hands and toes and they were toasty. I am up and about and have energy after only 7 and half hours sleep, considerably less than my usual 9. And I have more energy already. As I lay in bed, before I opened my eyes i was thinking about all the things I could do today and I felt so happy and hopeful.
These last few weeks I have done so very little. Pretty much just work and coming home to flop in front of the TV and once there I have not had to energy to bead or anything really. F has been doing everything really... Blogging has been one of the few things I have done, and then only at the weekend...
OK so I have this now and that is not good. But I had it anyway and I can't change that. I would so much rather have it and have the diagnosis and the treatment for it than live in ignorance, struggling. And there are benefits! This condition is one of those that qualify for a Medical Exemption Certificate for the NHS which means I will not have to pay for any drugs now.
Saturday, 16 June 2012
Going to the Doctor's involved a wild goose chase. I was prescribed a drug which the Pharmacy then said they did not have, could not order and that the other pharmacies they rang for me did not have either. I shopped and then realised I could go to the Drop In centre but got there too late as they were busy and closed shortly. I went back first thing this morning, was greeted by surprise when I said they could not get that drug. I left with a prescription for the drug under a brand name instead and returned to the Pharmacy. This time they had it, but not all of it so I have to go back Monday to pick up the rest. When I received my part prescription, there was the brand name in big letters on the box, with the name of the original drug on the original prescription underneath in smaller lettering!
Stuff like this is frustrating! I drove all over last night and have used 1/8 of a tank of fuel and used up probably 3 1/2 hours all told, just to get what I should probably have got in the first place.... *sigh*
Still i have it now. It should sort things out short term but I have upcoming tests now to look at things.
My Bird feeding continues. The Crows have been less in evidence, I think they are busy else where. When they do turn up, they still throw their weight around, chasing the other birds away. The other birds are only really nervous when the Crows are inflight, once on the ground, they are obviously much less of a threat. Having watched the Magpies flee with a swooping Crow after them I can see why! On the ground they puff up their neck feathers and look all dominant and hop after the birds making them go a little further away from the food, but they need their claws to stand on and can not move as quickly....
The Magpies are there all the time and a few weeks ago there was suddenly more than two Magpies around and the new additions had short tails. Except they have grown now, and except for a certain youthful look they look exactly like their parents. There are two of them and they are very noisy! They squawk endlessy at their parents saying feed me! They are not overly keen on birdseed as yet but their parents obviously like it because it is an easy and quick food supply for them. The youngsters fly freely around the territory and are learning all the time and it is quite obvious that they are all communicating. I will miss them when they fly away by themselves...
Jackdaws are getting bolder as well. The absence of the Crows seems to help in this. If the Crows are around at all I won't see a single Jackdaw. The slightest movement I made used to scare the Jackdaws away but they seem to have become more comfortable now. I still mostly see them feed on the scraps the other birds are less inclined to hunt for, the small seeds lost in the grass. I think they are well adapted to this anyway....
There are many rabbits around as well but they are nervy and with so many cars in the car park they will come over to feed during the work day although I do see evidence they come at other times and I see them feeding further away from the building. The baby rabbits have mostly disappeared though. Grown up or dead... A colleague saw babies being stalked by a cat. There have been a couple of carcasses around recently too and my Corvids delighted in the bounty. I feel sad to see them dead, but I know that their death is part of their Medicine of Fertility....
Seagulls are everywhere. It has been wet and windy recently and there is something about seeing them hanging in the air, virtually motionless and then with a tiny imperceptible alteration i their wings they suddenly streak across the sky. There is no need for them to fly like this all the time but you can tell, for them, that they love it, it is who they are and what they would always choose to do when not flying and a good hard wind just makes it better....
My other totems have been around too. I sometimes see the odd wasp, but the weather has not been great for them so far. Ants have invaded the work kitchen. And lastly we have Grasshopper. I was not sure whether or not I should count Grasshopper or not, I needed some synchronicity or a dream to confirm it. The day after writing about that I got my confirmation. I was at a drumming circle and the sound of bird song was so loud all around us at the end. And there was a bird that sounded like a Grasshopper! I have never heard it before and neither had anyone else there, although someone told me that there was a bird called a Grasshopper Warbler. I listened to its call online and it was indeed a Grasshopper Warbler. I like the idea of Grasshopper as a totem, it does feel like one that suits me...
In fact I love all my totems very much. There are other totems around that I suspect may have a place on Wheel but I don't know yet, I have not got that far.... Some sort of Canid probably and maybe Horse somewhere too. Years ago when I did visualizations to connect with my Basic Self and Upper Self I connected with a Mole and a Blue Parrot Spirit, and then there was the Sparrow I visualized to help remind me when I was being negative. And I don't know where Seagull and Magpie sit yet either... It is very noticeable that my Wheel is dominated by birds:- Crow, Magpie, Seagull, Jackdaw, Heron, with a few Insects (which I didn't expect):- Wasp, Ant and Grasshopper but only one Mammal, the Rabbit. But that is only 9 totems so far and there are 36 positions on the Wheel....
I don't really have any other news. The situation with S has calmed right down after flaring up. I think there was a cunningly disguised molehill and lets face it, life goes on. I would never want to go back to being a teen though!
*hugs*
Stuff like this is frustrating! I drove all over last night and have used 1/8 of a tank of fuel and used up probably 3 1/2 hours all told, just to get what I should probably have got in the first place.... *sigh*
Still i have it now. It should sort things out short term but I have upcoming tests now to look at things.
***
My Bird feeding continues. The Crows have been less in evidence, I think they are busy else where. When they do turn up, they still throw their weight around, chasing the other birds away. The other birds are only really nervous when the Crows are inflight, once on the ground, they are obviously much less of a threat. Having watched the Magpies flee with a swooping Crow after them I can see why! On the ground they puff up their neck feathers and look all dominant and hop after the birds making them go a little further away from the food, but they need their claws to stand on and can not move as quickly....
The Magpies are there all the time and a few weeks ago there was suddenly more than two Magpies around and the new additions had short tails. Except they have grown now, and except for a certain youthful look they look exactly like their parents. There are two of them and they are very noisy! They squawk endlessy at their parents saying feed me! They are not overly keen on birdseed as yet but their parents obviously like it because it is an easy and quick food supply for them. The youngsters fly freely around the territory and are learning all the time and it is quite obvious that they are all communicating. I will miss them when they fly away by themselves...
Jackdaws are getting bolder as well. The absence of the Crows seems to help in this. If the Crows are around at all I won't see a single Jackdaw. The slightest movement I made used to scare the Jackdaws away but they seem to have become more comfortable now. I still mostly see them feed on the scraps the other birds are less inclined to hunt for, the small seeds lost in the grass. I think they are well adapted to this anyway....
There are many rabbits around as well but they are nervy and with so many cars in the car park they will come over to feed during the work day although I do see evidence they come at other times and I see them feeding further away from the building. The baby rabbits have mostly disappeared though. Grown up or dead... A colleague saw babies being stalked by a cat. There have been a couple of carcasses around recently too and my Corvids delighted in the bounty. I feel sad to see them dead, but I know that their death is part of their Medicine of Fertility....
Seagulls are everywhere. It has been wet and windy recently and there is something about seeing them hanging in the air, virtually motionless and then with a tiny imperceptible alteration i their wings they suddenly streak across the sky. There is no need for them to fly like this all the time but you can tell, for them, that they love it, it is who they are and what they would always choose to do when not flying and a good hard wind just makes it better....
My other totems have been around too. I sometimes see the odd wasp, but the weather has not been great for them so far. Ants have invaded the work kitchen. And lastly we have Grasshopper. I was not sure whether or not I should count Grasshopper or not, I needed some synchronicity or a dream to confirm it. The day after writing about that I got my confirmation. I was at a drumming circle and the sound of bird song was so loud all around us at the end. And there was a bird that sounded like a Grasshopper! I have never heard it before and neither had anyone else there, although someone told me that there was a bird called a Grasshopper Warbler. I listened to its call online and it was indeed a Grasshopper Warbler. I like the idea of Grasshopper as a totem, it does feel like one that suits me...
In fact I love all my totems very much. There are other totems around that I suspect may have a place on Wheel but I don't know yet, I have not got that far.... Some sort of Canid probably and maybe Horse somewhere too. Years ago when I did visualizations to connect with my Basic Self and Upper Self I connected with a Mole and a Blue Parrot Spirit, and then there was the Sparrow I visualized to help remind me when I was being negative. And I don't know where Seagull and Magpie sit yet either... It is very noticeable that my Wheel is dominated by birds:- Crow, Magpie, Seagull, Jackdaw, Heron, with a few Insects (which I didn't expect):- Wasp, Ant and Grasshopper but only one Mammal, the Rabbit. But that is only 9 totems so far and there are 36 positions on the Wheel....
I don't really have any other news. The situation with S has calmed right down after flaring up. I think there was a cunningly disguised molehill and lets face it, life goes on. I would never want to go back to being a teen though!
*hugs*
Sunday, 10 June 2012
Women's Troubles
I am grumpy and hormonal and just want to hide away. Burrow under the duvet and lurk. Except my back hurts and lying down makes it ache. So I need to be up but I don't want to do anything or be anywhere.
I am not surprised I feel so grotty. It seems I have been self-medicating for hormonal imbalances and that I withdrew my medicine for too long a period of time...
I drink this lovely brand of teas called Pukka. I keep a range of varieties in my drawer at work and at home, but my favourite is this one Harmonise. In fact when I order my teas online this is the one I buy in large amounts because I like it enough to drink it everyday. The others I cycle through depending on mood and desire and health.
Except I ran out before the holiday and because of the holiday's impact on my finances I didn't want to place my usual large order of tea. At first everything was alright, but then things started to go downhill. From none, to a fairly constant something or almost starting. I feel like I have had PMT for weeks.
Last weekend I was in Truro and happened to discover the Health Food Shop there sells Pukka so I brought a few. (but not enough Harmonise *sigh* I should have brought more than one pack...). The effects of drinking it have been slowly accumalating and this weekend I have finally gotten there but as is the way with these things - now it is a killer one, but I know I will feel better for it soon.
I guess I had no idea how much my tea drinking activities truly affects my health. So I knew my Sage drinking really helps my IBS, but the rest of those teas... I am constantly self-medicating based on mood and gut feel of which tea I want to drink right then.
So why has harmonize been helping me so much? Not sure as it has a range of ingredients but one of them Shatavari is not in any of my other teas and it seems it is a Phytoestrogen. Basically it contains plant substances that mimic Oestrogen but the scientific evidence for the effect of this is variable. All I know is that this tea truly helps me. I have run out of this tea before and become aware of it's affects but since drinking it regularly I have never been without it for such a long period of time and because of this, I had underestimated the extent of it's help.
Self-medicating is fine and helpful, but I think it might be time to go and get checked out.... Because if my self-medicating has this much affect then there has to be something more than a little going on. Low Estrogen can be a sign of menopause or cancer for instance. It can cause fatigue and forgetfulness.... It's a hard thing to talk about though....
I am not surprised I feel so grotty. It seems I have been self-medicating for hormonal imbalances and that I withdrew my medicine for too long a period of time...
I drink this lovely brand of teas called Pukka. I keep a range of varieties in my drawer at work and at home, but my favourite is this one Harmonise. In fact when I order my teas online this is the one I buy in large amounts because I like it enough to drink it everyday. The others I cycle through depending on mood and desire and health.
Except I ran out before the holiday and because of the holiday's impact on my finances I didn't want to place my usual large order of tea. At first everything was alright, but then things started to go downhill. From none, to a fairly constant something or almost starting. I feel like I have had PMT for weeks.
Last weekend I was in Truro and happened to discover the Health Food Shop there sells Pukka so I brought a few. (but not enough Harmonise *sigh* I should have brought more than one pack...). The effects of drinking it have been slowly accumalating and this weekend I have finally gotten there but as is the way with these things - now it is a killer one, but I know I will feel better for it soon.
I guess I had no idea how much my tea drinking activities truly affects my health. So I knew my Sage drinking really helps my IBS, but the rest of those teas... I am constantly self-medicating based on mood and gut feel of which tea I want to drink right then.
So why has harmonize been helping me so much? Not sure as it has a range of ingredients but one of them Shatavari is not in any of my other teas and it seems it is a Phytoestrogen. Basically it contains plant substances that mimic Oestrogen but the scientific evidence for the effect of this is variable. All I know is that this tea truly helps me. I have run out of this tea before and become aware of it's affects but since drinking it regularly I have never been without it for such a long period of time and because of this, I had underestimated the extent of it's help.
Self-medicating is fine and helpful, but I think it might be time to go and get checked out.... Because if my self-medicating has this much affect then there has to be something more than a little going on. Low Estrogen can be a sign of menopause or cancer for instance. It can cause fatigue and forgetfulness.... It's a hard thing to talk about though....
Saturday, 3 March 2012
Snug
I know I have had some inspiration this week, thinking of the roles from the Medicine Wheel dream I had a little while back. Then there was the two days of beautiful weather during the week, all that bird song and a visit to Big Hill. But everything is still percolating away and not ready to post here, or more likely I am not ready.
It has been a busy weekend. Food with friends Friday, a party last night and the recolouring of my hair to pink. I avoided alcohol but eating food whose ingredients I don't know is always perilous - you can never tell what has had a dash of cream added. But I had a lovely time.
Here I am though on a Sunday morning far too early after not enough sleep. My stomach is bad and I have a tiny bit of a sore throat. The house is cold because the heating was on too high for the good weather we had earlier on in the week so I turned it down.
But there is nothing I have to do. I did everything I needed to do yesterday. Today I am free to hide away and I shall. I would go back to bed now but F is happily snoring away so I shall leave it a little while, maybe have a bath and read first.
I am not the sum of my feelings though. I am more. And life is still good.
It has been a busy weekend. Food with friends Friday, a party last night and the recolouring of my hair to pink. I avoided alcohol but eating food whose ingredients I don't know is always perilous - you can never tell what has had a dash of cream added. But I had a lovely time.
Here I am though on a Sunday morning far too early after not enough sleep. My stomach is bad and I have a tiny bit of a sore throat. The house is cold because the heating was on too high for the good weather we had earlier on in the week so I turned it down.
But there is nothing I have to do. I did everything I needed to do yesterday. Today I am free to hide away and I shall. I would go back to bed now but F is happily snoring away so I shall leave it a little while, maybe have a bath and read first.
I am not the sum of my feelings though. I am more. And life is still good.
Thursday, 9 February 2012
Slouch
So far this year has been a happy but painful and tiring year. I came back from my family home after Christmas feeling utterly rested and rejuvenated but four weeks of pain and discomfort with my tooth then my ear zapped all those nicely created reserves of energy.
Then last night I visited the Mistres of Pain for one of her amazing lymphatic massages. I always feel better afterwards, but as I go into a rapid detox, I feel tired straight after. Although I kind of felt good today, I can still feel the tiredness leaching through my body. The problem is, all this pain and illness and tiredness has meant a lack of energy to do anything very much of the things I need to do, for me. And not just reading books either....
The Mistress of Pain said my body was actually doing pretty well and that the good effects of the sage tea were pretty evident. The puffy, blotted, swollen state of my body has reduced considerably and my skin is much clearer. Her saying that made me realise that I have not had a major skin eruption since I started drinking the tea. She also could see the good effects of the corrective insoles I have been wearing in my shoes, which is nice to know.
So everything is fine and I am happy, I just feel that need to pamper myself a little. I love having F home all weekend every weekend, but I do miss the occasional day by myself. After six months, I have just gotten past the not going out without him at the weekend and last weekend I went gallivanting all over the place - to collect plates, to the beach and into town.
but today I sneakily booked a day off, and that day is tomorrow. And now I have done that and I know I can relax, I can feel the tiredness all the way through myself.
I am going to look at my list over the next three days and if it isn't on my list or a nice pampering activity then it won't get done. So books, baths and walks with Little Dog and those tasks i have deemed most important to me and that will be about it....
Bliss
Then last night I visited the Mistres of Pain for one of her amazing lymphatic massages. I always feel better afterwards, but as I go into a rapid detox, I feel tired straight after. Although I kind of felt good today, I can still feel the tiredness leaching through my body. The problem is, all this pain and illness and tiredness has meant a lack of energy to do anything very much of the things I need to do, for me. And not just reading books either....
The Mistress of Pain said my body was actually doing pretty well and that the good effects of the sage tea were pretty evident. The puffy, blotted, swollen state of my body has reduced considerably and my skin is much clearer. Her saying that made me realise that I have not had a major skin eruption since I started drinking the tea. She also could see the good effects of the corrective insoles I have been wearing in my shoes, which is nice to know.
So everything is fine and I am happy, I just feel that need to pamper myself a little. I love having F home all weekend every weekend, but I do miss the occasional day by myself. After six months, I have just gotten past the not going out without him at the weekend and last weekend I went gallivanting all over the place - to collect plates, to the beach and into town.
but today I sneakily booked a day off, and that day is tomorrow. And now I have done that and I know I can relax, I can feel the tiredness all the way through myself.
I am going to look at my list over the next three days and if it isn't on my list or a nice pampering activity then it won't get done. So books, baths and walks with Little Dog and those tasks i have deemed most important to me and that will be about it....
Bliss
Tuesday, 24 January 2012
Sound
So I am sure you have gathered, I have had an ear infection *laugh*
Anyway, although the pain has been gone for a while now a couple of things have been really annoying me!
Not hearing things kept coming up and eventually a few things fitted together and I decided to try and make sure I really did listen, and off I went to work...
First of I went to the supermarket and as I was paying a child cried, which made me jump and reminded me that I was not listening. So I listened and the first thing I heard was a man telling a colleague about how he still had no hearing in one ear and was losing it in the other too now. I almost burst out laughing, which might have been unfortunate... but sometimes synchronicity works so very well!
So filled with certainty that listening was exactly what I needed to do, I went to work. And I listened, I realized that although I was having trouble hearing what people were saying, other noises had gotten much louder. Noises I normally just tuned out and ignored. The forklifts buzzing around, clanging in out of pallets, the noise of hydraulics lifting things, reversing beacons, roller doors, trucks....
I realised I was missing out on being aware of so much of what was going on around me. Of knowing what each vehicle sounds like, and knowing how different drivers sound. So much awareness!
At one point I had to go into the production area where the big machines were clanging and I realised there was a rhythm, almost musical... you could certainly dance to it. And it reminded me that I used to do just that. My Dad's machines were old and moved things around with whirrling arms and suction pads - and they had such beautiful rhythm - and we did dance. I used to jiggle around at the photocopier...
There is music in so many things, if we are listening...
But noise is an odd thing! Another person commented and asked for opinions on reports of sky noise or Unidentified Audible Objects. There are lots of videos on youtube. I am unsure, watching them whether they are genuine or not - they are just too far outside of my experience, but one thing was clear to me - it isn't the noise that is the problem but the context. The sound track and video don't go together, and that's what makes them disturbing.
Because sound is so much a part of our environments. I grew up in an old timber framed house. The wood would expand and contract as it warmed and cooled. So there was a set of warming creaks and a set of cooling creaks. I would lie in bed listening to them, and I felt so much comfort int hem. Just from the little tiny noises, I knew where I was and exactly what was happening. My bedroom was up a fork in the stair case and I knew the noise every stair made as it was stepped on, no one could creep up on me as I slept...
Noise is comforting and communicates how things are working around us, that everything is fine... I don't like the nosies my car makes when I hear them because I always listen to music! If I turn my music off or my car makes a loud noise it makes me quite nervous that something is going wrong! Just because I am unfamiliar... My first car was an ancient Hillman Hunter with no radio and it was a pig of a car! But I knew what it was saying to me and what to do about things...
Recently I have also been party to a couple of conversations - one person saying how they see such and such out but they never say hello. And then such and such saying they see the person but feel bad because they don't hear because they always have their music on. And how often do we have music on as we travel to drown out the noise around us, to keep us separate from other people?
The only bad thing to being more aware is that I am more aware of my tinnitus as well.
And the other annoyance? Well I got an answer there too! In talking about ignoring things I realised I was not dreaming so much and one of the few dreams I had involved Buffalo migrating down out of the mountains to the plain to eat. Except there was not much food so some kind farmers (but not farmers - they were tending but not taking) had scattered sage seed around and the buffalo were eating the young shoots as they grew. Well the discussion reminded me of this dream.
So I looked up Sage and realised it was the perfect herb for me right now... and maybe for longer. Sage has a lot of beneficial effects including improving memory, soothes mucus membranes and reduces swelling so is great for abcesses and tonsilitus as a gargle, reduces dandruff, reduces perspiration, assists with regulating mestrual cycles, assists with drying up milk, helps with hot flushes, compresses are used to slow bleeding, ease headaches, soothe stings and burns... and most importantly for me - it helps with upset stomachs and reduces diarrhoea but drying everything out.
The antibiotics have had a bad effect on my IBS and last week I was only eating after 1 p.m. so I would not be ill at work! There has been nothing wrong with the food I have been eating or with my stomach as such, so this drying effect sounded absolutely perfect - and after two days and two cups of sage tea, it has proven to be EXACTLY what I needed! And all from a dream...
Anyway, I love making progress.... I like understanding and dislike it when I know I am not understanding things.... So all is very good!
Anyway, although the pain has been gone for a while now a couple of things have been really annoying me!
- My reaction to the antibiotics
- The feeling that I was not 'getting' whatever I needed to understand
Not hearing things kept coming up and eventually a few things fitted together and I decided to try and make sure I really did listen, and off I went to work...
First of I went to the supermarket and as I was paying a child cried, which made me jump and reminded me that I was not listening. So I listened and the first thing I heard was a man telling a colleague about how he still had no hearing in one ear and was losing it in the other too now. I almost burst out laughing, which might have been unfortunate... but sometimes synchronicity works so very well!
So filled with certainty that listening was exactly what I needed to do, I went to work. And I listened, I realized that although I was having trouble hearing what people were saying, other noises had gotten much louder. Noises I normally just tuned out and ignored. The forklifts buzzing around, clanging in out of pallets, the noise of hydraulics lifting things, reversing beacons, roller doors, trucks....
I realised I was missing out on being aware of so much of what was going on around me. Of knowing what each vehicle sounds like, and knowing how different drivers sound. So much awareness!
At one point I had to go into the production area where the big machines were clanging and I realised there was a rhythm, almost musical... you could certainly dance to it. And it reminded me that I used to do just that. My Dad's machines were old and moved things around with whirrling arms and suction pads - and they had such beautiful rhythm - and we did dance. I used to jiggle around at the photocopier...
There is music in so many things, if we are listening...
But noise is an odd thing! Another person commented and asked for opinions on reports of sky noise or Unidentified Audible Objects. There are lots of videos on youtube. I am unsure, watching them whether they are genuine or not - they are just too far outside of my experience, but one thing was clear to me - it isn't the noise that is the problem but the context. The sound track and video don't go together, and that's what makes them disturbing.
Because sound is so much a part of our environments. I grew up in an old timber framed house. The wood would expand and contract as it warmed and cooled. So there was a set of warming creaks and a set of cooling creaks. I would lie in bed listening to them, and I felt so much comfort int hem. Just from the little tiny noises, I knew where I was and exactly what was happening. My bedroom was up a fork in the stair case and I knew the noise every stair made as it was stepped on, no one could creep up on me as I slept...
Noise is comforting and communicates how things are working around us, that everything is fine... I don't like the nosies my car makes when I hear them because I always listen to music! If I turn my music off or my car makes a loud noise it makes me quite nervous that something is going wrong! Just because I am unfamiliar... My first car was an ancient Hillman Hunter with no radio and it was a pig of a car! But I knew what it was saying to me and what to do about things...
Recently I have also been party to a couple of conversations - one person saying how they see such and such out but they never say hello. And then such and such saying they see the person but feel bad because they don't hear because they always have their music on. And how often do we have music on as we travel to drown out the noise around us, to keep us separate from other people?
The only bad thing to being more aware is that I am more aware of my tinnitus as well.
And the other annoyance? Well I got an answer there too! In talking about ignoring things I realised I was not dreaming so much and one of the few dreams I had involved Buffalo migrating down out of the mountains to the plain to eat. Except there was not much food so some kind farmers (but not farmers - they were tending but not taking) had scattered sage seed around and the buffalo were eating the young shoots as they grew. Well the discussion reminded me of this dream.
So I looked up Sage and realised it was the perfect herb for me right now... and maybe for longer. Sage has a lot of beneficial effects including improving memory, soothes mucus membranes and reduces swelling so is great for abcesses and tonsilitus as a gargle, reduces dandruff, reduces perspiration, assists with regulating mestrual cycles, assists with drying up milk, helps with hot flushes, compresses are used to slow bleeding, ease headaches, soothe stings and burns... and most importantly for me - it helps with upset stomachs and reduces diarrhoea but drying everything out.
The antibiotics have had a bad effect on my IBS and last week I was only eating after 1 p.m. so I would not be ill at work! There has been nothing wrong with the food I have been eating or with my stomach as such, so this drying effect sounded absolutely perfect - and after two days and two cups of sage tea, it has proven to be EXACTLY what I needed! And all from a dream...
Anyway, I love making progress.... I like understanding and dislike it when I know I am not understanding things.... So all is very good!
Sunday, 22 January 2012
Taking Advice
I like starting new projects and I like learning new things. Sometimes the planning of these things is much, much better than the real thing! I have spent hours and hours planning my bedroom - I can see it! And we are so close now really in many ways.... I have painting to do - an old print type case, a tall thin bookcase and an old chair. I have curtains and blinds to put up. I have a beautiful picture by the lovely Suzi to hang properly (it is hung just fine - but not in the place I want it to finally be because there is no hook there... and I can't put one there yet because I need to do it in conjunction with the print case...). I have things to rearrange on the bookcase - bits of cut glass brought for my wedding at charity shops and car boots which will be liberally decorated with candles and bits from the shore such as sand, shells and stones. I also have a big lump of blue obsidian which is man made but utterly lovely.
I have further plans - such as strings of beads hung amongst the curtains. A bead woven mat to put under a cut glass bowl. A net or some sort of dream catcher sort of thing above the bed. Pictures to find and print and make to go above the chair on the bit of wall the bookcase will go on including photos we have taken of the sea and a lovely print of another of Suzi's paintings. Rag rugs to make. Sort sort of window decorations.... And finally (maybe) an old metal trunk to restore!
The thing is, part way through doing all the bedroom stuff, I had to plan a wedding. And after the wedding I had no energy for finishing off all the wedding bits - like thank you notes (oh I hate doing them! I have said thank you but I need to do notes as well - I hate thinking of small talk to write... I am so very bad at it!) And I have a lovely photo album to fill with photos. Then I need to put all my beautiful things together in a nice, special wedding box.... Then we can take them out and relive our wedding day whenever we want and keep them as heirlooms.
But those thank you letters, they have really, really stalled me! I could not face getting out my knife and painstakingly cutting another stencil, which takes hours... And people were saying to me, why are you making it so complicated? But my heart wants to do it that way and that helped stall me too.
So although I don't want to do them - I have to because they are in the way. So they have gone on my to do list... And as it is limited to 13, a few things have gone, because they are new things that need to go on hold and not get started yet. They need their own space. So no ley line maps, or medicine bag, or rattles or learning about geometry... Not yet, not till I have space on my to do list again...
The book I ordered that I thought was going to tell me all about Sacred Geometry, didn't. But that is my fault not the books! The book was Maths for Mystics by Renna Shesso and was very, very good. It explained so much and made so many connections for me. It was exactly what I needed. It only took three weeks to arrive, but I am glad of this as this weekend was the perfect time for it to arrive _ I had enough brain back to understand it!
The other books were mixed. The first Medicine Wheel book ( I shan't name the author because I don't think that is fair...) raised a couple of good points but beyond that it offered very little. It seemed to be written from the perspective of using the Medicine Wheel as a spiritual tool for the average Christian. The second by Leo Rutherford, is I think, a very good book, but it will probably take me years to digest it! Jamie Sams, Earth Medicine is lovely, but as it is a book of daily readings, this will be with me for some time - I have enjoyed reading these snippets so far - although I am not sure I get all of them - why the simplest things sometimes the hardest? And then there was The Sun and The Serpent = an excellent book about the St MAry and St Michael leylines in the UK.
So next months books have yet to be finally selected and brough - but I know Renna Shesso's new book on the planets and stars will be there. For Geometry I shall wait until March when John Michell's book goes into paperback.... Which is why geometry has been knocked off the list - it is not a current thing.... and I had too many creative projects on the list - and if you have too many waiting, they go stale sometimes and never happen at all...
So pay day looms (oh what a long month!) and then a few things will wing their way to new or temporary homes, including my Angel Oracle cards and a book that I really didn't gel with but think someone else will appreciate. I offered up my Tarot deck too but I have realised they are meant to stay with me. I need to look at Tarot in a different way is all....
And the letter to my Uncle - well, that is about letting go of others personal failures. Not their fault if they never signed the contract and had no idea of the rules I had made. He had no idea I idolised him and I need to let go of that. I think he will understand - I hope so. It may bring a new life to our friendship - or not, but my heart tells me I have to do it...
And what has sparked this off?
I have been asking questions about why my ear infection is lingering - what does it mean spiritually? Why does illness often go hand in hand with the Moon of Welcome for me? Not got that one figured out yet but someone else delivered a very clear message to a group i belong to that we should all finish our unfinished business, close all our old wheels so we can start new ones.
It made me think.....
I have further plans - such as strings of beads hung amongst the curtains. A bead woven mat to put under a cut glass bowl. A net or some sort of dream catcher sort of thing above the bed. Pictures to find and print and make to go above the chair on the bit of wall the bookcase will go on including photos we have taken of the sea and a lovely print of another of Suzi's paintings. Rag rugs to make. Sort sort of window decorations.... And finally (maybe) an old metal trunk to restore!
The thing is, part way through doing all the bedroom stuff, I had to plan a wedding. And after the wedding I had no energy for finishing off all the wedding bits - like thank you notes (oh I hate doing them! I have said thank you but I need to do notes as well - I hate thinking of small talk to write... I am so very bad at it!) And I have a lovely photo album to fill with photos. Then I need to put all my beautiful things together in a nice, special wedding box.... Then we can take them out and relive our wedding day whenever we want and keep them as heirlooms.
But those thank you letters, they have really, really stalled me! I could not face getting out my knife and painstakingly cutting another stencil, which takes hours... And people were saying to me, why are you making it so complicated? But my heart wants to do it that way and that helped stall me too.
So although I don't want to do them - I have to because they are in the way. So they have gone on my to do list... And as it is limited to 13, a few things have gone, because they are new things that need to go on hold and not get started yet. They need their own space. So no ley line maps, or medicine bag, or rattles or learning about geometry... Not yet, not till I have space on my to do list again...
The book I ordered that I thought was going to tell me all about Sacred Geometry, didn't. But that is my fault not the books! The book was Maths for Mystics by Renna Shesso and was very, very good. It explained so much and made so many connections for me. It was exactly what I needed. It only took three weeks to arrive, but I am glad of this as this weekend was the perfect time for it to arrive _ I had enough brain back to understand it!
The other books were mixed. The first Medicine Wheel book ( I shan't name the author because I don't think that is fair...) raised a couple of good points but beyond that it offered very little. It seemed to be written from the perspective of using the Medicine Wheel as a spiritual tool for the average Christian. The second by Leo Rutherford, is I think, a very good book, but it will probably take me years to digest it! Jamie Sams, Earth Medicine is lovely, but as it is a book of daily readings, this will be with me for some time - I have enjoyed reading these snippets so far - although I am not sure I get all of them - why the simplest things sometimes the hardest? And then there was The Sun and The Serpent = an excellent book about the St MAry and St Michael leylines in the UK.
So next months books have yet to be finally selected and brough - but I know Renna Shesso's new book on the planets and stars will be there. For Geometry I shall wait until March when John Michell's book goes into paperback.... Which is why geometry has been knocked off the list - it is not a current thing.... and I had too many creative projects on the list - and if you have too many waiting, they go stale sometimes and never happen at all...
So pay day looms (oh what a long month!) and then a few things will wing their way to new or temporary homes, including my Angel Oracle cards and a book that I really didn't gel with but think someone else will appreciate. I offered up my Tarot deck too but I have realised they are meant to stay with me. I need to look at Tarot in a different way is all....
And the letter to my Uncle - well, that is about letting go of others personal failures. Not their fault if they never signed the contract and had no idea of the rules I had made. He had no idea I idolised him and I need to let go of that. I think he will understand - I hope so. It may bring a new life to our friendship - or not, but my heart tells me I have to do it...
And what has sparked this off?
I have been asking questions about why my ear infection is lingering - what does it mean spiritually? Why does illness often go hand in hand with the Moon of Welcome for me? Not got that one figured out yet but someone else delivered a very clear message to a group i belong to that we should all finish our unfinished business, close all our old wheels so we can start new ones.
It made me think.....
Friday, 20 January 2012
B is for Boundaries
This has been a really important topic for me over the last few years, and to be honest, for a lot longer than that. My Boss has a difficult life and is often very negative and seems to enjoy others being miserable too. Working with her has made me very much more conscious of the energies we pick up from others and boundaries. This is what I have learnt from all sorts of places and acts as a summary of where I am now...
So...
I believe that the boundaries we maintain are really important but that it is wrong to make these boundaries so strong nothing can get through. It is also important they are flexible and can change. The stronger we get, the less we need boundaries at all, but while we are gettig there, techniques for maintaining and reasserting our boundaries are really, really important.
Many years ago I lived in the city. I found this quite hard and when I travel to other more urban areas oof the country I find myself re-erecting the barriers I needed there and becoming harder and more vigilant. In the city you do need to be aware of what is going on around you and there is just so much going on!
I remember one time I was in the city centre and I was sat having a drink. There were two young guys and I realised they were paying attention to me and I was able to pick up the gist of it, although I think it was more in the way of gestures than words. One of them was teaching the other to pick pockets or some such and the student had picked me out as an easy target. The Teacher took one look at me, found me watching back and told his pupil no and they moved on.
Being aware makes it harder for people to target you. Being unaware makes it easier to become a victim. Your boundaries have to allow you to be aware of what is going on, the question is how aware do you need to be? I had to leave the city without fail at least once a month, because even the parks were too crowded - I needed to be further from people. The city is too much for me.
Many people who have been victims work on making their barriers bigger and stronger. They become harder, more cynical, more dangerous in some ways. They are trying to deal with threats on the term of the threat. I had a bad experience many years ago and I remember making a choice mentally that I did not want to become hard and cynical. I wanted to be open to future relationships and happiness without being a victim or a perpetrator of nastiness.
One time, there was a black energy that was following me. I have no idea where it came from, but it used to un-nerve me when I felt it - often at night. I told a friend over the phone one time and then she felt it too, that night at least. In order to feel safe, I would cast a circle and call the elements and ask them to watch me as I slept and keep me safe. Then I could sleep.
I remember one time I traveled to stay with family at a very special place and I could feel the thing at the gate, stuck, unable to come in. And there was no physical barrier there other than the fact the positive energy of the place was such that it could not enter. I think this is how our energy boundaries should be - they exist because of the strength of what is inside, us. But being spiritually wonderful is not somewhere very easy to get to, and quite often we need to clear space in order to learn to even begin getting there.
These are some of the tricks I have learnt...
Visualisation
Grounding
However you ground it is always a good way of allowing negativity to flow out and good energies to flow in. I like to connect myself upwards to the sky and down to the ground and breathe the energies in both directions.
Policing Your Mind
It is easy to get trapped in negative thoughts - don't! They just make you feel negative. Don't repress them, feel them, express them, journal, do art, whatever, just don't let them become a track round and round inside your head, because this is a trap. Change the subject, make yourself think of other things, do other things, distract yourself. Don't dwell.
Meditate and practice thinking nothing at all....
Doing
Protections
Kyanite is a great crystal to carry, as is Smokey Quartz.
Carry any talisman of positivity and contentment that works for you.
I don't believe 'Happy' is a good goal - happy is a momentary feeling and implies you will be sad in the future. Contented is where you want to be - it allows space for happy without being sad un-necessarily. And we all need sad sometimes, it can be a very healing emotion, and it should be expressed - otherwise it turns to depression. It is depression really that we are fighting here I think...
But contentment is something you practice. If you work at being contented, eventually, some chemical trigger in your head might just get the point and suddenly that glass will be half full. And really, that's all you need to change... I have a book called the Happy Book which is a book of prompts to turn the book into a collection of stuff that makes you happy. Lists of memories, smells, objects, people. ideas of happy things to do... So that whenever you are feeling negative you can get out the book and see all the things that make you feel better. A lovely idea.
And that thing about something switching around in your head, well I guess that is what happened for me. Now I find I need to think about clearing my boundaries less. I don't even have to consider sleeping inside a circle - I have not had to do this in years! i don't feel like a victim but when bad stuff happens, I am more able to feel it with out getting stuck in it...
Now don't go thinking I know all of this and I am never negative... I have just learnt how to deal with it better than I ever used too. I still have lots to learn. There is always so much to learn.... But making sure you are not carrying around other peoples emotions makes it easier to do the work on yourself and we have to work on ourselves. If we don't, we have nothing to give anyone else....
p.s. Just read a post which gave a very timely reminder, there will always be situations where you should make your boundaries really, really strong. For instance when healing. Sometimes you just should not take things in to your self or put things out of yourself. I guess it is about adjusting yourself so that you are in balance with the situation you are in... Flexible but strong boudaries!
So...
I believe that the boundaries we maintain are really important but that it is wrong to make these boundaries so strong nothing can get through. It is also important they are flexible and can change. The stronger we get, the less we need boundaries at all, but while we are gettig there, techniques for maintaining and reasserting our boundaries are really, really important.
Many years ago I lived in the city. I found this quite hard and when I travel to other more urban areas oof the country I find myself re-erecting the barriers I needed there and becoming harder and more vigilant. In the city you do need to be aware of what is going on around you and there is just so much going on!
I remember one time I was in the city centre and I was sat having a drink. There were two young guys and I realised they were paying attention to me and I was able to pick up the gist of it, although I think it was more in the way of gestures than words. One of them was teaching the other to pick pockets or some such and the student had picked me out as an easy target. The Teacher took one look at me, found me watching back and told his pupil no and they moved on.
Being aware makes it harder for people to target you. Being unaware makes it easier to become a victim. Your boundaries have to allow you to be aware of what is going on, the question is how aware do you need to be? I had to leave the city without fail at least once a month, because even the parks were too crowded - I needed to be further from people. The city is too much for me.
Many people who have been victims work on making their barriers bigger and stronger. They become harder, more cynical, more dangerous in some ways. They are trying to deal with threats on the term of the threat. I had a bad experience many years ago and I remember making a choice mentally that I did not want to become hard and cynical. I wanted to be open to future relationships and happiness without being a victim or a perpetrator of nastiness.
One time, there was a black energy that was following me. I have no idea where it came from, but it used to un-nerve me when I felt it - often at night. I told a friend over the phone one time and then she felt it too, that night at least. In order to feel safe, I would cast a circle and call the elements and ask them to watch me as I slept and keep me safe. Then I could sleep.
I remember one time I traveled to stay with family at a very special place and I could feel the thing at the gate, stuck, unable to come in. And there was no physical barrier there other than the fact the positive energy of the place was such that it could not enter. I think this is how our energy boundaries should be - they exist because of the strength of what is inside, us. But being spiritually wonderful is not somewhere very easy to get to, and quite often we need to clear space in order to learn to even begin getting there.
These are some of the tricks I have learnt...
Visualisation
- Clean your aura (I take a brush and give mine a good clean out).
- Snipping energy links to other people (we don't need their energy and they don't need ours, not set up as permanent links like this anyway... healing is different but should not be a permanent drain...)
- Visualising an 'energy' cloak all around you as a shield
Grounding
However you ground it is always a good way of allowing negativity to flow out and good energies to flow in. I like to connect myself upwards to the sky and down to the ground and breathe the energies in both directions.
Policing Your Mind
It is easy to get trapped in negative thoughts - don't! They just make you feel negative. Don't repress them, feel them, express them, journal, do art, whatever, just don't let them become a track round and round inside your head, because this is a trap. Change the subject, make yourself think of other things, do other things, distract yourself. Don't dwell.
Meditate and practice thinking nothing at all....
Doing
- Dance or listen to music
- Do physical activities that don't give you space to dwell
- Nature... being with nature is for me, the best balm in the entire word. The wind blowing salt and sand into my face is one of my favourites for making me feel alive and good.
- Love - taking a moment to really feel love for those around us, so that it bubbles up through us.
Protections
Kyanite is a great crystal to carry, as is Smokey Quartz.
Carry any talisman of positivity and contentment that works for you.
I don't believe 'Happy' is a good goal - happy is a momentary feeling and implies you will be sad in the future. Contented is where you want to be - it allows space for happy without being sad un-necessarily. And we all need sad sometimes, it can be a very healing emotion, and it should be expressed - otherwise it turns to depression. It is depression really that we are fighting here I think...
But contentment is something you practice. If you work at being contented, eventually, some chemical trigger in your head might just get the point and suddenly that glass will be half full. And really, that's all you need to change... I have a book called the Happy Book which is a book of prompts to turn the book into a collection of stuff that makes you happy. Lists of memories, smells, objects, people. ideas of happy things to do... So that whenever you are feeling negative you can get out the book and see all the things that make you feel better. A lovely idea.
And that thing about something switching around in your head, well I guess that is what happened for me. Now I find I need to think about clearing my boundaries less. I don't even have to consider sleeping inside a circle - I have not had to do this in years! i don't feel like a victim but when bad stuff happens, I am more able to feel it with out getting stuck in it...
Now don't go thinking I know all of this and I am never negative... I have just learnt how to deal with it better than I ever used too. I still have lots to learn. There is always so much to learn.... But making sure you are not carrying around other peoples emotions makes it easier to do the work on yourself and we have to work on ourselves. If we don't, we have nothing to give anyone else....
p.s. Just read a post which gave a very timely reminder, there will always be situations where you should make your boundaries really, really strong. For instance when healing. Sometimes you just should not take things in to your self or put things out of yourself. I guess it is about adjusting yourself so that you are in balance with the situation you are in... Flexible but strong boudaries!
Thursday, 19 January 2012
Tough
Life feels hard right now. It felt really hard last night but today is much better.
I always get a hormonally challenging day a few days before my cycle starts again and last night was it. I was definitely miserable, mopey and weepy. It comes after two weeks of pain and illness, first with my wisdom tooth removal and now with a ear canal / middle ear infection. I am on my second lot of antibiotics and these ones have side effects that do not go well with my IBS. So I am looking forward to next week - eating very basic food at very particular times of the day to avoid difficult situations!
Not surprising it all seemed too much when you add in hormones and a lack of decent sleep as well!
But there has to be a lesson in all this.... Doesn't there? A challenge....
It is the Moon of Welcoming right now and this for me has often been one of illness when it has been my Year of the Moon of Welcoming... (Wheelkeeper's post on this is excellent...)
It was the year I came down with glandular fever. Next time round it was the year I felt off colour, dropped out of Uni and then ended up in hospital being operated on a couple of days later.... So there is a lesson for me here for sure. And how often have illnesses corresponded with the yearly cycle of this moon?
The opposite of welcoming is rejecting....
Mostly I am keeping my chin up....
I always get a hormonally challenging day a few days before my cycle starts again and last night was it. I was definitely miserable, mopey and weepy. It comes after two weeks of pain and illness, first with my wisdom tooth removal and now with a ear canal / middle ear infection. I am on my second lot of antibiotics and these ones have side effects that do not go well with my IBS. So I am looking forward to next week - eating very basic food at very particular times of the day to avoid difficult situations!
Not surprising it all seemed too much when you add in hormones and a lack of decent sleep as well!
But there has to be a lesson in all this.... Doesn't there? A challenge....
It is the Moon of Welcoming right now and this for me has often been one of illness when it has been my Year of the Moon of Welcoming... (Wheelkeeper's post on this is excellent...)
It was the year I came down with glandular fever. Next time round it was the year I felt off colour, dropped out of Uni and then ended up in hospital being operated on a couple of days later.... So there is a lesson for me here for sure. And how often have illnesses corresponded with the yearly cycle of this moon?
The opposite of welcoming is rejecting....
Mostly I am keeping my chin up....
Sunday, 8 January 2012
Tooth Fairy
Last week I had a wisdom tooth removed. Unexpectedly the tooth decided t let itself be extracted without incisions. For the two days after my temperature was up and down but it was not to painful. Then on the Thursday night it woke me hurting in the night. Friday was a tired day and it woke me again Friday night too, once the pain killers wore off.
Last night I did some reading about infections and things and discovered that you need to keep the scab intact in the hole. If you don't it can become infected. I got F to get his little torch and have a look in and after a lot of struggling his pronouncement was no scab, only yellow / whitey stuff.
I went to bed and decided to have a go at journeying for some healing. So I climbed my tree and asked politely for some helpful wings and took off for the upper world. I just got there when a voice asked me what I was doing up there and I should be going down. So we flew down head first and I started climbing down my tree to the Lower World, except I was the wrong way up! Very disconcerting!
I climbed down into the cave with the pool. I was told to wash my mouth out three times and then there was a little red fish in my mouth with one of the mouthfuls of water and it was eating and nibbling all around my sore teeth. Then I released the little fish and thanked it. I was told to wash out my mouth three more times and then there was a little white fish in my mouth nibbling away. I thanked both fish and that was it...
My teeth did not wake me in the night and I even managed to get a lie in! I am not saying they don't still hurt, they do. But the level of pain is much more what I would expect now.... And when I got F to have a little look in my mouth earlier, all the white and yellow stuff was gone and he could see scab.
I couldn't remember if I thanked my guide or not, so I thanked him this morning and promised I would go and meet him properly. He said he would like that. I have only visited the Upper World once and not for myself. I have spent more time in the Lower World and I am much happier there because of this. I am aware of the landscape around my tree now and I know some of my shortcuts. Traveling there is becoming easier for me because of this.
I used to have such trouble with journeying and had to join a drumming circle. Drummming is very good and my journeys with it are very vivid but it is nice to be able to do simple journeys alone to, as and when I need to....
And I think my guide will pretend to hate that post title but secretly be very amused!
Last night I did some reading about infections and things and discovered that you need to keep the scab intact in the hole. If you don't it can become infected. I got F to get his little torch and have a look in and after a lot of struggling his pronouncement was no scab, only yellow / whitey stuff.
I went to bed and decided to have a go at journeying for some healing. So I climbed my tree and asked politely for some helpful wings and took off for the upper world. I just got there when a voice asked me what I was doing up there and I should be going down. So we flew down head first and I started climbing down my tree to the Lower World, except I was the wrong way up! Very disconcerting!
I climbed down into the cave with the pool. I was told to wash my mouth out three times and then there was a little red fish in my mouth with one of the mouthfuls of water and it was eating and nibbling all around my sore teeth. Then I released the little fish and thanked it. I was told to wash out my mouth three more times and then there was a little white fish in my mouth nibbling away. I thanked both fish and that was it...
My teeth did not wake me in the night and I even managed to get a lie in! I am not saying they don't still hurt, they do. But the level of pain is much more what I would expect now.... And when I got F to have a little look in my mouth earlier, all the white and yellow stuff was gone and he could see scab.
I couldn't remember if I thanked my guide or not, so I thanked him this morning and promised I would go and meet him properly. He said he would like that. I have only visited the Upper World once and not for myself. I have spent more time in the Lower World and I am much happier there because of this. I am aware of the landscape around my tree now and I know some of my shortcuts. Traveling there is becoming easier for me because of this.
I used to have such trouble with journeying and had to join a drumming circle. Drummming is very good and my journeys with it are very vivid but it is nice to be able to do simple journeys alone to, as and when I need to....
And I think my guide will pretend to hate that post title but secretly be very amused!
Wednesday, 4 January 2012
Root of the Tooth
Yesterday I went to the hospital. I had been brave at my prelimiary appointmen and elected to have a local anasthetic rather than a general.. i was calm but over time a little nervousness crept in - mostly fuelled by other peoples stories, and nightmares.
The removal of my troublesome wisdom tooth was easier than the staff even expected. They had to make no cut. The staff got the right angle and the tooth let go. I was in and out within fifteen minutes.
I had no right to expect that!
As they worked on my mouth first injecting and then removing. I closed my eyes and focused on breathing deeply. I may have let out a tiny whimper when one of the injections touched a nerve, but that was it.
So I came home, with swollen mouth and had the joys of numbness. F and I stopped for coffee and chatted, well I had water in a bottle.... We laughed. I think 'steb in pubbles' was my favourite and we giggled about that few times throughout the day. As for the numbness - I explored the sensation of drinking from a bottle and only being able to feel half of the bottle. And touch, I had to touch all round the area. And I had to get F to touch it too.
Once the injections wore off, it hurt, of course. I always find pain draining. I always find that healing requires sleep. So off I went to sleep. Then I got up and bathed and read and then I slept some more. I am glad I booked today off too though. There is no 'good' reason for me to be off today but I still feel drained and I have more sleeping to do.
I don't think my work place understands the wisdom of time off and being gentle with yourself. I think sometimes my willingness to use my holiday for things like this and to take more than I need and then 'waste' it on sleeping seems a little odd. But I have spent so very many years being ill and sleeping. Now I am more gentle with myself, I get ill a lot less. I have not had a cold in some time for instance, whereas most of my colleagues have colds that drag on all winter and into the spring.
But today i really hope my new book arrives... The Sun and the Serpent was the first to be despatched and it could very well arrive today. I have been thinking about earth energies and the like a fair bit these last few days and I am not finished yet.
The removal of my troublesome wisdom tooth was easier than the staff even expected. They had to make no cut. The staff got the right angle and the tooth let go. I was in and out within fifteen minutes.
I had no right to expect that!
As they worked on my mouth first injecting and then removing. I closed my eyes and focused on breathing deeply. I may have let out a tiny whimper when one of the injections touched a nerve, but that was it.
So I came home, with swollen mouth and had the joys of numbness. F and I stopped for coffee and chatted, well I had water in a bottle.... We laughed. I think 'steb in pubbles' was my favourite and we giggled about that few times throughout the day. As for the numbness - I explored the sensation of drinking from a bottle and only being able to feel half of the bottle. And touch, I had to touch all round the area. And I had to get F to touch it too.
Once the injections wore off, it hurt, of course. I always find pain draining. I always find that healing requires sleep. So off I went to sleep. Then I got up and bathed and read and then I slept some more. I am glad I booked today off too though. There is no 'good' reason for me to be off today but I still feel drained and I have more sleeping to do.
I don't think my work place understands the wisdom of time off and being gentle with yourself. I think sometimes my willingness to use my holiday for things like this and to take more than I need and then 'waste' it on sleeping seems a little odd. But I have spent so very many years being ill and sleeping. Now I am more gentle with myself, I get ill a lot less. I have not had a cold in some time for instance, whereas most of my colleagues have colds that drag on all winter and into the spring.
But today i really hope my new book arrives... The Sun and the Serpent was the first to be despatched and it could very well arrive today. I have been thinking about earth energies and the like a fair bit these last few days and I am not finished yet.
Monday, 2 January 2012
Small Things
So here are a few more beautiful things including lots of Magpies and a few other assorted birds... Snippets...
As I walked into the garden to leave my offering at my parents house and say my good byes, I heard the clack of a Magpie. So before I went to do what I needed to do I walked towards it. I got to the edge of my parents property and saw them in a tree in the field beyond, two little magpies, chatting away happily to each other.
Christmas Eve saw me not getting out of bed early as we arrived so very late the night before. Christmas Day I took little dog out and became quickly aware that lots of birds were flying over, in small groups, and settling in a tree over the road. The tree was getting fuller and fuller until eventually a flock took off and swirled around. The starlings were all around, flying round and round the house and they were obviously feeding in the fields around.
Boxing Day I saw the starlings begin their day again, roosting in the same tree. I did not see them roosting in that tree again but they were still in the vacinity. Given my recent synchronicity with flocks... The name flockhart jumped out me again, from the radio this time as well...
On the morning of the Winter Solstice, I went up big hill. Not to watch the sun rise though as it was far cloudy to see anything! It was windy and I had little time but I did get out of the car. As I did so, a magpie took flight from by the monument. It was a lovely moment.
My local flock has had to survive without me. I was concerned to begin with but then I thought about it and realised that these birds have been stashing the food I give them for quite some time now. They have a whole set of little stashes to see them through till I return. I gave up giving them my food as I started buying extra to give them! So now I have a bag of bird seed in my boot for them which I scatter on the grass. This has been really good as the Crows are a lot less aggressive over birdseed and the magpies are able to feed much more easily. The same goes for gulls, a large Herring Gull occasionally joins in but doesn't stop any other birds from feeding. Not getting flocks of gulls is definitely a bonus....
Books! I ordered januaries books yesterday. Two books on the medicine wheel - because I need to adds ome breadth to my seeds of knowledge. I need help and I can not be too demanding of those around me who are helping. Going to people and saying, tell me everything, is not what those people need! They have written a lot about the wheel but I want more....
I also ordered the Sun and the Serpent which is about the St Michael and St Mary ley lines. I have come across this book several times and never brought it. It is however accepted as the definitive book about these lines and is often quoted. I am interested in them and want to learn more, particularly as they are so much a part of my local environment...
I ordered the Starseed Transmissions for curiousities sake. Such things are right on the very edge of my comfort zone, maybe even a step beyond it....
I also ordered a book called Maths for Mystics which is an introduction to sacred geometry. I have a long standing interest in geometry so this seems a really good thing to look at further.
dreams have been a little thin on the ground in some ways while away. I didn't have many big dreams and when I woke I did not remember any dreams as such. Except that throughout the day, things would happen and I would remember something and not be sure if I had dreamt it or not. Sometimes I had, and other times it had actually happened. I did have one big dream that was a follow on from another dream and at some point I shall write about these two dreams.
I also found a nice long piece of kyanite in a shop which now sits in my pocket. This is especially good as it can go to work with me. My niece brought one two, and I hope she uses it, as it would be a good stone for her.
while out with my niece that day I had another odd experience. We found a book shop as I decided to have a look and see if any books appealed for the journey home. As we went in I thought 'Sheri S Tepper' or at least, I heard that thought anyway. And lo and behold I did find an ancient second hand copy of one of her books tucked away on the bottom shelf....
Oh and my wisdom tooth comes out tomorrow. For some reason I was feeling brave and elected to have it done under a local, not a general. I do wonder if that might have been a mistake....
As I walked into the garden to leave my offering at my parents house and say my good byes, I heard the clack of a Magpie. So before I went to do what I needed to do I walked towards it. I got to the edge of my parents property and saw them in a tree in the field beyond, two little magpies, chatting away happily to each other.
Christmas Eve saw me not getting out of bed early as we arrived so very late the night before. Christmas Day I took little dog out and became quickly aware that lots of birds were flying over, in small groups, and settling in a tree over the road. The tree was getting fuller and fuller until eventually a flock took off and swirled around. The starlings were all around, flying round and round the house and they were obviously feeding in the fields around.
Boxing Day I saw the starlings begin their day again, roosting in the same tree. I did not see them roosting in that tree again but they were still in the vacinity. Given my recent synchronicity with flocks... The name flockhart jumped out me again, from the radio this time as well...
On the morning of the Winter Solstice, I went up big hill. Not to watch the sun rise though as it was far cloudy to see anything! It was windy and I had little time but I did get out of the car. As I did so, a magpie took flight from by the monument. It was a lovely moment.
My local flock has had to survive without me. I was concerned to begin with but then I thought about it and realised that these birds have been stashing the food I give them for quite some time now. They have a whole set of little stashes to see them through till I return. I gave up giving them my food as I started buying extra to give them! So now I have a bag of bird seed in my boot for them which I scatter on the grass. This has been really good as the Crows are a lot less aggressive over birdseed and the magpies are able to feed much more easily. The same goes for gulls, a large Herring Gull occasionally joins in but doesn't stop any other birds from feeding. Not getting flocks of gulls is definitely a bonus....
Books! I ordered januaries books yesterday. Two books on the medicine wheel - because I need to adds ome breadth to my seeds of knowledge. I need help and I can not be too demanding of those around me who are helping. Going to people and saying, tell me everything, is not what those people need! They have written a lot about the wheel but I want more....
I also ordered the Sun and the Serpent which is about the St Michael and St Mary ley lines. I have come across this book several times and never brought it. It is however accepted as the definitive book about these lines and is often quoted. I am interested in them and want to learn more, particularly as they are so much a part of my local environment...
I ordered the Starseed Transmissions for curiousities sake. Such things are right on the very edge of my comfort zone, maybe even a step beyond it....
I also ordered a book called Maths for Mystics which is an introduction to sacred geometry. I have a long standing interest in geometry so this seems a really good thing to look at further.
dreams have been a little thin on the ground in some ways while away. I didn't have many big dreams and when I woke I did not remember any dreams as such. Except that throughout the day, things would happen and I would remember something and not be sure if I had dreamt it or not. Sometimes I had, and other times it had actually happened. I did have one big dream that was a follow on from another dream and at some point I shall write about these two dreams.
I also found a nice long piece of kyanite in a shop which now sits in my pocket. This is especially good as it can go to work with me. My niece brought one two, and I hope she uses it, as it would be a good stone for her.
while out with my niece that day I had another odd experience. We found a book shop as I decided to have a look and see if any books appealed for the journey home. As we went in I thought 'Sheri S Tepper' or at least, I heard that thought anyway. And lo and behold I did find an ancient second hand copy of one of her books tucked away on the bottom shelf....
Oh and my wisdom tooth comes out tomorrow. For some reason I was feeling brave and elected to have it done under a local, not a general. I do wonder if that might have been a mistake....
Friday, 28 October 2011
Blue Moon
OK so... Not the worlds best day!
I had a driving test today - a work related one and while I passed, I did not pass well, not at all. In fact, I don't think I should have passed. I don't feel good about it. While I know I am not dangerous at all, I am lacking in confidence and a bit on the nervous side, and very much on the slow side. Like I said, I don't feel good, not at all.....
And the moon has hit me hard this month! It was always going to too, stress of wedding organisation didn't allow my body to unwind and when it did after the wedding, it only did it partially. I knew this one would be a biggy but it is probably the the worse I have had in 15 years.
I also have a funeral to attend next week.
Apart from that, everything is good amd there is still plenty of good stuff kicking around in my life. Drumming tomorrow. My Neuro Linguistic Programming book. My lovely man and my horrid dog! And mostly - it's Friday! yaayyyyyyy!
I had a driving test today - a work related one and while I passed, I did not pass well, not at all. In fact, I don't think I should have passed. I don't feel good about it. While I know I am not dangerous at all, I am lacking in confidence and a bit on the nervous side, and very much on the slow side. Like I said, I don't feel good, not at all.....
And the moon has hit me hard this month! It was always going to too, stress of wedding organisation didn't allow my body to unwind and when it did after the wedding, it only did it partially. I knew this one would be a biggy but it is probably the the worse I have had in 15 years.
I also have a funeral to attend next week.
Apart from that, everything is good amd there is still plenty of good stuff kicking around in my life. Drumming tomorrow. My Neuro Linguistic Programming book. My lovely man and my horrid dog! And mostly - it's Friday! yaayyyyyyy!
Sunday, 16 October 2011
Walk Down Memory Lane
OK so yesterday did not agree with me - one bit..... Today I feel rough as but there is always another day and I sure will not be breaking my diet today! *laugh*
When F finally wakes and vacates the bed, I will be sneaking back in and pulling that duvet up over my head.
Today though, after a little reminder about working on memory on Lisa's blog, I am going to get back on it. The first two techniques combined well to create visual hooks to hang words you wish to remember on to. They combined to give me twenty hooks. I actually find myself using this technique a fair bit. I mentally create my shopping list as I find things I need to buy.
Oh I need rice milk, that's the second thing on my list. Number two is a swan from the shape of the number.... I think my swan is swimming in a lake of rice milk today. So we end up with snakes eating cottage cheese and monkeys spraying under their arms with fry light. One really hard one was Oatibix bites which happened to be number ten which is moon over water. The moon was not a person this time but a wild horse (who had had too many oats) that was trying to bite. I like that image....
The hooks were made in the following way - 1 to 10 were choosen as they relate to the form of the number, so one is a candle, two is a swan, three is a book left open with curling covers etc. 11 - 20 are choosen for rhyming, so fifteen (five) is jive, sixteen (six is sticks), seventeen (seven) is heaven. You choose whatever images work best for you. Seventeen led to one of my favourite images. Halloween pumpkins sitting on clouds with halos.....
So the next technique is to make a memory room and it got put off due to the wedding. I need to sit down and plan out my room and the route that I will take around it and the various objects in it. When you want to remember things you alter the state of things in the room. I will fill it full of things I like that have significance to me. So maybe a drum, a horse, some magpies, definitely a big schoshy sofa and a tree. And some doors. Eventually I might make my memory room in to a memory house with this room set up as the entrance hallway. Until then the doors can be open or shut and show views on to different places.
One really interesting thing though, is that in Katherine Kerr's magnificent set of books set in Deverry, one story has considerable use of this technique. Not only does he manipulate things in the real world by it but it is fluid, so things change in the house without him doing it. He might have a statue of a significant person and depending on what is going on with that person the statue changes by itself. I have no idea if any of that is possible! You can be sure I will look out for any minor changes though!
I have also been continuing reading about the Alexander Technique. It is clear that some lessons would help with understanding this all in relation to my body though. Still I intend to find out if my Podiatrist thinks any particular leg muscles need to be worked in the gym to assist with the exercises he will give me. I know I am using my legs poorly. I have knock knees, flat feet and one leg is longer than the other. Currently we are using support and exercises to correct my flat feet.
In the gym yesterday, sauntering along on the treadmill ( well a saunter for other people, a workout for me), I was opposite a mirror. I could see quite clearly that as I walk, I place my shorter leg's foot straight but my long leg's foot is turned outward. My short leg ankle has been troublesome this past year and the foot has not gained strength as quickly as my other foot. There is a lot more work to be done.
Last time I went to the gym, they had to show you every machine and I ended up with a giant unwieldy routine that was unworkable. The emphasis has changed considerably. I went on three pieces of cardio equipment and that was it, and will be it for a little while. I am hoping that the podiatrist will give me a few machines that would beneficial - and then the gym staff can show me them too. Music is going to be key in my gym experience though....
I am at my fattest ever now, fatter by far than last time I went to the gym, quite a few years ago. The interesting thing is, quite a few people recently have said that they think I have lost quite a bit of weight. I personally think it is about confidence and happiness. This year has been so much better inside my head. This next year is about my health, fitness and weight. Making my body match my mind.
When F finally wakes and vacates the bed, I will be sneaking back in and pulling that duvet up over my head.
Today though, after a little reminder about working on memory on Lisa's blog, I am going to get back on it. The first two techniques combined well to create visual hooks to hang words you wish to remember on to. They combined to give me twenty hooks. I actually find myself using this technique a fair bit. I mentally create my shopping list as I find things I need to buy.
Oh I need rice milk, that's the second thing on my list. Number two is a swan from the shape of the number.... I think my swan is swimming in a lake of rice milk today. So we end up with snakes eating cottage cheese and monkeys spraying under their arms with fry light. One really hard one was Oatibix bites which happened to be number ten which is moon over water. The moon was not a person this time but a wild horse (who had had too many oats) that was trying to bite. I like that image....
The hooks were made in the following way - 1 to 10 were choosen as they relate to the form of the number, so one is a candle, two is a swan, three is a book left open with curling covers etc. 11 - 20 are choosen for rhyming, so fifteen (five) is jive, sixteen (six is sticks), seventeen (seven) is heaven. You choose whatever images work best for you. Seventeen led to one of my favourite images. Halloween pumpkins sitting on clouds with halos.....
So the next technique is to make a memory room and it got put off due to the wedding. I need to sit down and plan out my room and the route that I will take around it and the various objects in it. When you want to remember things you alter the state of things in the room. I will fill it full of things I like that have significance to me. So maybe a drum, a horse, some magpies, definitely a big schoshy sofa and a tree. And some doors. Eventually I might make my memory room in to a memory house with this room set up as the entrance hallway. Until then the doors can be open or shut and show views on to different places.
One really interesting thing though, is that in Katherine Kerr's magnificent set of books set in Deverry, one story has considerable use of this technique. Not only does he manipulate things in the real world by it but it is fluid, so things change in the house without him doing it. He might have a statue of a significant person and depending on what is going on with that person the statue changes by itself. I have no idea if any of that is possible! You can be sure I will look out for any minor changes though!
I have also been continuing reading about the Alexander Technique. It is clear that some lessons would help with understanding this all in relation to my body though. Still I intend to find out if my Podiatrist thinks any particular leg muscles need to be worked in the gym to assist with the exercises he will give me. I know I am using my legs poorly. I have knock knees, flat feet and one leg is longer than the other. Currently we are using support and exercises to correct my flat feet.
In the gym yesterday, sauntering along on the treadmill ( well a saunter for other people, a workout for me), I was opposite a mirror. I could see quite clearly that as I walk, I place my shorter leg's foot straight but my long leg's foot is turned outward. My short leg ankle has been troublesome this past year and the foot has not gained strength as quickly as my other foot. There is a lot more work to be done.
Last time I went to the gym, they had to show you every machine and I ended up with a giant unwieldy routine that was unworkable. The emphasis has changed considerably. I went on three pieces of cardio equipment and that was it, and will be it for a little while. I am hoping that the podiatrist will give me a few machines that would beneficial - and then the gym staff can show me them too. Music is going to be key in my gym experience though....
I am at my fattest ever now, fatter by far than last time I went to the gym, quite a few years ago. The interesting thing is, quite a few people recently have said that they think I have lost quite a bit of weight. I personally think it is about confidence and happiness. This year has been so much better inside my head. This next year is about my health, fitness and weight. Making my body match my mind.
Saturday, 15 October 2011
Dangerous
So today it has all started.
The diet began at breakfast. My organic fruit, meat and veg arrived yesterday. So there was organic sausages with our healthy bacon and poached eggs. The last of our shrooms were cooked up with an organic onion. Then there was a glass of rice milk and a couple of little cheeses for my dairy and some toast for fibre.
I just hope I can keep the momentum up.... these breakfasts will only occur at the weekend so I have to find another way during the week and that is always where I struggle.
Now I have to plan the menu for the next little while so I can freeze the rest of the meat we don't need. And over all this looms the gym and I can feel myself start to get a bit nervous, even though the person doing my induction is a mate and F will be there too....
Life is also prompting me to get a swimming cosi. Well in fact I have no choice. A hen night in arrangements will contain a trip to a spa. I have found these things called swim dresses and I am going to get one, even though they are not overly cheap. I need to feel like the nasty skin at the tops of my legs is not fully on view. Of course losing weight should help my skin condition too. I have deformed sweat glands that get blocked easily so rubbing is enough to cause problems. i can't imagine having legs that don't rub.
Mel has been talking about dangerous thoughts and it was immediately obvious that this is one of mine. I can be thin, fit and healthy. That thought, taken seriously just requires so much. So much pain, so much effort, a good dose of misery too, in the short(ish) term at least. Oh and deprivation.... my poor sweet tooth!
On another note. Saw this video earlier and was just so impressed with the way the words have been used.
The diet began at breakfast. My organic fruit, meat and veg arrived yesterday. So there was organic sausages with our healthy bacon and poached eggs. The last of our shrooms were cooked up with an organic onion. Then there was a glass of rice milk and a couple of little cheeses for my dairy and some toast for fibre.
I just hope I can keep the momentum up.... these breakfasts will only occur at the weekend so I have to find another way during the week and that is always where I struggle.
Now I have to plan the menu for the next little while so I can freeze the rest of the meat we don't need. And over all this looms the gym and I can feel myself start to get a bit nervous, even though the person doing my induction is a mate and F will be there too....
Life is also prompting me to get a swimming cosi. Well in fact I have no choice. A hen night in arrangements will contain a trip to a spa. I have found these things called swim dresses and I am going to get one, even though they are not overly cheap. I need to feel like the nasty skin at the tops of my legs is not fully on view. Of course losing weight should help my skin condition too. I have deformed sweat glands that get blocked easily so rubbing is enough to cause problems. i can't imagine having legs that don't rub.
Mel has been talking about dangerous thoughts and it was immediately obvious that this is one of mine. I can be thin, fit and healthy. That thought, taken seriously just requires so much. So much pain, so much effort, a good dose of misery too, in the short(ish) term at least. Oh and deprivation.... my poor sweet tooth!
On another note. Saw this video earlier and was just so impressed with the way the words have been used.
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