Fat

I have gotten used to being judged.  People see Fatness and they decide it is your fault.  You eat too much.  You don't exercise.  You must be a little thick.  You must be looking for a boring sedentary life.  You get on well with people because you are a bit needy, not just because you have a good personality.  You are less attractive.

I remember on the odd occasion seeing some woman look at F and think, 'oh he's quite nice.' and then look at me and realise we are together and give that look of 'what on earth is he doing with you.'

It all happens.

But being fat has made me more confident.  Maybe I dealt with other peoples views and because I am in a different place and know they are wrong, they no longer have the power to hurt me.  I don't need to be attractive.  I don't need other people to fancy me.  I don't need other people to validate my intelligence.  I don't want a sedentary life but I am quite happy with what I have.  I began to understand it was not my fault I ate too much and didn't feel like exercising.  I no longer felt the need to try either.  Or to apologise for my lack of desire to try.

I knew that when I dieted, things went wrong, after a couple of weeks I was pretty much crippled.  I couldn't function enough to hold down my job without returning to the sugar.  It just was not possible.  And when you have just enough energy to do your job, where do you find more to go out running?  Recently I was talking to a health care professional and we got on to the subject ofmy weight and she asked if I had tried dieting and said they had vouchers if I was interested.  I said no and explained.  Many people see obesity as the result of a lack of personal care rather than a symptom and although she was good and professional, I could still feel that judgement, but it no longer bothered me at all.  I knew.

And I have learnt the hard way that dieting is counterproductive for me.  Having forced my metabolism to an even lower ebb by not eating as much until I am crippled by fatigue, when I do return to eating more I put on more weight which I can not lose.  Dieting for me results, overall, in weight gain.  It was bad for me, as a person and I knew it and no longer felt guilty.

OK so I didn't know WHY, but sometimes you just have to trust you are right and know.

Depression is linked to Underactive Thyroid as well, but I also think I have beaten this.  i am not saying I have not felt low over the last while, of course I have!  But I have learnt the difference between being sad and feeling physically low.  I have learnt how not to think myself into depression and how to think myself into being contented.  I believe contentment is a matter of focus, I like who I am and what I have and I appreciate and enjoy the world around me.  I try not to think too much about what I am not, what I don't have and awful the world is.  And when I do think about these things, because we all have to walk with our shadows I don't let them drag me down.  I know who and what I am and what my feelings and thoughts are and no matter how bad I feel, I am not unhappy.  And believe me I have suffered from depression in the past.  And F agrees that there was an invisible turning point when something changed inside me...

I think one or two people of the last few weeks, when I have been feeling so very bad have felt I was down due to the weather...  It will all seem better when the sun comes out.  Well somethings will be better!  But maybe not everything.

I think I have been ill for years.  The more I look at the symptoms the more likely it seems.  Not just the weight gain but sensitivity to the cold, lack of sweat, dry eyes and of course fatigue.  I have learnt how to conserve my energy for what I have to do and how to live with fatigue over a great many years.   I think there was a very small window between the end of my Glandular Fever and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and my Hypothyroidism.

I have had somewhat dry eyes for at least four years and badly dry eyes for at least two.  Shame Opticians are not Doctors, maybe I would have known sooner....  Probably not though as there is more than one hormone involved and the NHS tests are generic and do not necessarily show the specifics of the entire state of the Thyroid.  I am lucky I have an experienced and forward thinking Doctor, some people go a lot longer before being diagnosed.

but already this illness has taught me so much about myself and now I am ready to not be ill any more.  I can feel my energy levels increasing and that feeling of lowness has gone.  I got a bit carried away yesterday and did a bit too much, went a few too many places.  The energy is still fragile and I must not get carried away.  It will take a few weeks for my hormones to stabilise and then it may become clear that I need my dosage upped, so it may take months to stabilise me and give me the chance of the same energy levels as other people.  If it doesn't work out like that I am grateful for just this small increase in energy, it makes all the difference in the world!

And as to my weight?  Well not everyone loses weight when they start Thyroxine but it is possible I will just start to lose weight without having to think too much about it.  If it doesn't happen like that for me then I will need to work at it, but at least I will (hopefully) have no energy trap preventing from getting anywhere.  I am facing the possibility of not dieting but losing weight at best and at worst  having the opportunity to have diets actually work....

So from where I am sat I feel both grateful for the lessons I have learnt from this illness and the possibilities for my life to change for the better that treatment offers.  Life is looking good.