Sunday, 30 September 2012

The Turning Wheel

Well it turned out part of my staying away and not wanting to do anything was me getting a cold.  In some ways I even feel a bit less anti-social now it has come out - I just have the whole head cold snot thing going on.....

We have turned from Summer in to Autumn

My personal year has turned from The Year of Breaking Masks to the Year of Reason

With the Full Moon we move from the Blue Moon to the Moon of Welcoming

So much to write about and think about...  But I just don't have the brain or the energy right now so I am going to sit on all ths goodness a while longer.  I have a couple of days off coming up though so I am sure I will get to it then.  I want to review last year and introduce the Moon of Reason.  Then I want to look back at my previous experiences of the Moon of Welcome and go deeper.  Sometime ago Wheelkeeper told me to look more deeply at the totem animals I have for each Moon, and I mean to do this, this cycle as we swing back through Moons I have already looked at a bit.

Last night I was watching am episode of Man Woman Wild (a husband and wife survival programme) and there was an unexpected little shot of a Wasp.  It never ceases to amaze me how totems turn up at the right times, how they check in and say hello at others too but sometimes they draw so close....

I  have no idea yet what my totem is for the Moon of Reason and I know that although I may get hints, I won't Dream about it until I do my work.

Generally though I think things are good - I think my metabolism is picking up under the doubled dosage although it is hard to say at this coincided we me getting a cold.  I do wonder about my reproductive system though.  It was problems with those hormones that drove me to the Doctors when my Thyroid was discovered.  My physical therapist and I had strongly felt there was something wrong down there and she is a very hands on healer with a masterful knowledge of anatomy and a sixth sense.  The strange bleed I had between periods will hopefully be enough to persuade my Doctor to send me off for further investigations.  I suspect Cysts, Fibroids or polyps, personally.

One thing is for sure, this last year has been all about my health, thankfully, finally....

Sunday, 23 September 2012

Hanging in the Balance

So I am feeling quiet right now.  This happens every so often and this time of year is a point when it often does.  It is nearing my Birthday, my personal year end and year beginning and things are ending and beginning all around me.  A lot of the stories I just don't want to talk about yet because I don't have the ends, but other things I just don't seem to want to talk about.

Maybe there is just too much going on that I have not figured out exactly.  Maybe I just have too many feelings.  I woke up grumpy this morning, unable to get back to sleep at 6.30.  This is not to say life is bad... quite the opposite.  But I am avoiding people.  I am not leaving blog comments or comments on facebook or elsewhere that I should.  I am not returning my Mum's calls.

Maybe that's because they are moving out of my soul home sometime over the next couple of weeks and I just don't know what to say.
Maybe it's because my sister upset me when she was down and although everything is OK, the hurt remains a little and I don't want to have to tell my Mum what happened and have her try and mediate, because there is nothing to mediate.
Maybe it's because my dosage has been doubled and I don't want to have to analyse how I am doing to tell people where I am at yet, I don't know and I am taking each day as it comes.
Maybe it's because I am avoiding making some decisions about when and how to spend a lot of money visiting friends and there just won't be time to visit my folks in there too.
Maybe it's because I have not even discussed those visits with F yet.
Maybe it's because I have been having some really, really dark dreams which suggest that all the hard work I have done on myself over the years is not finished and because I have no idea how to resolve the next step.  But maybe the signs are that also, this is nearing the end of it....
Maybe it's because it's 2012 and the world feels like it's shifting under my feet a little, maybe I am scared of what might happen a little, I don't know, maybe I am scared nothing at all will happen....
Maybe despite my absolute joy over my friends newly announced pregnancy, maybe it just brings home to me that babies are still some way off for me, due to health, if they ever come at all...

But in that list, there is nothing I can not deal with and won't deal with, I am just very much in a lying low period.

On the good side however...

I went to an amazing drum circle.  Different circles have different energies and feelings, in part because of the different work you do at each circle.  There was a lot of new people at this one but it was also focusing on balance for the Equinox.  The feeling was absolutely blissful, with out being spacey, it was a really beautiful afternoon.  My journeys were nothing earth shattering, which is fine right now.  In fact my main journey repeated the journey I had for the Spring Equinox.  I danced through the elements and then danced into my Dragon.  The Dragon has been my totem for this year as it is my totem for Breaking Masks.  It was lovely, but it was not about me so much.  Maybe dancing the elements with my Dragon is something that should be done every Equinox, I am sure if it is, I shall find myself on this journey again.

We also did little journeys for someone else.  The person I worked with did not so much journey for me as do some healing on me, and it was lovely and I could feel it and I think I needed it more than a journey right now.  My journey for them, did not seem like much to me, but when I told them, it turned out to be a message they had been given before and it was greatly appreciated.

A friend at the circle is a felter and is going to show me how to felt.  While talking she told me about a Swan shawl she made with Swan feathers felted into it.  of course I want a corvid shawl now, and the Magpies have been really, really generous this week....

All my birds are doing fine, and I was most surprised when I looked up from my book the other day, to admire the flock of jackdaws, the Crows and the Magpies, to see a new comer....  I had my first Rook!  It is a like a little Corvid social party *laugh*  I have never seen a Rook in that area, so how it found it's way there I have no idea, maybe he heard from his Cousins.  I imagine he will be back, probably with friends.  What was surprising though was that even though it was his first time there with me sat only about two meters away, he took his cue from the others and was completely unphased by me

My hair has changed colour, from purple with neon purple splodges to blue black with violet and neon purple that makes it looke like it has an ultraviolet sheen.  I like it.  Next time I may have blue and green and look like a Magpie....

I am feeling better, but I am still waiting and I guess part of me is waiting for me to dip down again.  Things feel steadier this  time but all I can do is wait.

But something really, really amazing is in the process of coming my way, something I have been waiting for, for some time.  Something I am bursting with excitement over!  And I can't wait to bring that story together.... 

Life IS good

Saturday, 8 September 2012

Spider Gate

I was gutted I could not go  to the Gathering but, I did go to a Blue Moon chat online.  During this chat, an invite popped up on my Facebook to go to a Firewalk on the 1st of September, the day after the full moon.  F was sat right next to me at the time and to my surprise he said yes, he wanted to go too.  I couldn't figure out which gates I was supposed to be thinking of trying to cross so I decided to leave it to the Dreaming and trust.

The Firewalk began with an afternoon led my MJ of Chants and Drums who took us on a journey through sacred and healing music.  It was a beautiful experience and words fail me in trying to describe both giving and receiving sound healing.  We ate and then moved on to the Firewalk.

We began by preparing the fire, moving the logs, pouring on oil, all the while setting intentions.  We stood in a circle round the fire as twilight began and then something very strange happened.  There was a buzzing, as if a really, really huge insect was there, and it would have been the biggest insect I had ever seen.  It started really close to me and then in moved around the circle several times.  And not one person could see it.  It came really close, so close it should have been right in my face.  Even stranger, F thought we were all looking at something, he does not remember hearing it at all.  I think we were visited by something, blessed, but I have no idea what, except it had wings and was pretty big...

we carried on and we confronted our fears by breaking an arrow against our necks, with the point in the soft part of our throat.  I have yet to wind wool round mine and make it into a prayer arrow, but I shall....

And then it was time and we went into the dark to walk fire.

under the light of the blue moon.

and again words fail.

and yes I was scared but you have admit your fear, be realistic about your obstacle and then do it anyway, picturing yourself on the other side....

I wondered whether this would count as passing the Spider Gate and Lisa confirmed it did but I also had a dream.  In the Dream I was at my spirit home walking from the front to back garden.  Little Dog dashed through the Side gate before me and I turned to lose it behind us, only to realise that a huge spide was sat on it.  It was the size of a tarantula but spiky instead of hairy...  I quietly continued closing the gate and respectfully retreated and watched it.  unfortunately Little Dog saw it and began to bark at her.  She shot a bit of web at her at which Little Dog took off, dragging the Spider behind her.  I shouted for my Dad and because I started running through different scenarios of what to do with the Spider when we finally stopped the Dog, the dream ended.  I do know that despite such options as boot and stone that I had decided not to kill the Spider because it belonged in a zoo and not to leave it in the garden because it would die when the Winter came.

I woke up pumped...  and then I was upset because I thought maybe I had failed the test beause I had been scared.  But then I realised the lesson came after I had passed through the side gate, the gate with spider on it, the Spider Gate, the SpIDEr Gate.  And how cool is that?

I think the lesson was about how fear should be respected.  The things we should be afraid of are things that can hurt us and those we love and fear is what helps us survive.  It helps us to have to energy to fight or to run (it took me ages to come down and get back to sleep!).  We should respect fear but not let it rule our lives or our actions.  I guess in deciding not to kill the Spider maybe I did pass....

So I have bee initiated into one gate by the life and the Dreaming and it was not how I expected it to be at all.  It was also not the gate I was expecting either, not at all.  But it was an incredible experience from start to finish, and who knows what will come next as I walk with Spider.

Introduction to the Blue Moon

The Blue Moon is different from all the other Moons.  It is the Centre of the circle and is there for us all the time but every so often the procession of Moons jumps out of it's little orbiting circle and we have a Blue Moon.  This happens whenever there are two full moons in a month, about once every three years.  It also has the effect of resetting the procession of the Moons so the next Moon will be the Moon of Welcoming.  Without a Blue Moon, this Moon would have been the Moon of Breaking Masks and next moon would have been the Moon of Reason.

Every Blue Moon is special but this one is even more so.  It is a time of power and initiation.  The Gates open and if we pass the test we can enter and draw on the power of that gate until the next Blue Moon.  Normally we have a communal gate and a personal inner and outer gate we can attempt but this year, all sixteen of the gates opened. This is a powerful year.

My Teacher Lisa hosted a Gathering in Canada and the things that have come up during that Gathering are pretty phenomenal and they have only just started with the stories. 

I could not go however.  I did not have the money or the energy or the time off from work.  I guess I had other places I needed to be.  I needed to look at the Spider Gate and I shall write a post on that next.

My first Year of the Blue Moon started when I was born..  I was premature as my Mothers blood pressure shot up they induced me.  Although I was not very premature, I was very tiny, so I spent some time in an incubation unit before being taken home to Golders Green, London. But sometime during this year, my parents found the house they wished to move to outside London in the country and this dream to live a different life came true and on my first birthday we moved in.

Now, thirty five years later, my parents are moving out and just two days after my birthday they will no longer live in that beautiful place, just days before the end of the Blue Moon.  I love how writing makes me think...  It makes me wonder if living their was my dream, what my first ever blue moon brought to me.  There was a Blue Moon my first July too and I wonder if that helped.

The house I grew up in was over 400 years old, an pair of old farm hand cottages knocked together and extended over the years, set in an acre of land, planted with thought to the future, full of fruit trees and bushes.  It nurtured my soul and is the place I start my journeys.  One journey we were asked to go and meet the spirits of our special place and I met Grandma and Grandpa Crow and talked with them.  I have written all this before here.  And how powerful it was for me in the letting go and the binding of myself to that land on a deeper level.  Those spirits have always protected and nurtured me, and they are always there for me now, because I can go there any time through the dreaming.  Anyway realising all the synchronicities with the Blue Moon makes me think that I was very blessed and living in the home of my dreaming, watched over by Crows was....

I should maybe say at this point that my totem for the Blue Moon is the Crow and indeed not only were these guardian spirits Crows but my ancestral guide is a Crow too.  Many generations ago a young man married a young lass by the name of Crow.  I wonder about this surname too and how it came about...  The journey during which I met my guide was pretty amazing too...

My second year of the Blue Moon is a bit of a blank, I was 13.  I think it may have been around this time I developed a decided interest in boys and when the powere of the Horse began to wane in my life.  I think it is probably the time I began to rebel, gave up the musical instruments I had played, stopped riding, started Young Farmers and drinking.  A time of change....  If it set the tone for the next thirteen years then they sure were tricky.

My third year of the Blue Moon was a powerful one too for sure.  I was about to start my third year at Uni.  I was a good student, a very good student.  And all of a sudden my tank was empty and I knew I could not do it.  I decided to take a year out.  Everyone was shocked and horrified but I went ahead and did it anyway, literally within days of my birthday.  I think everybody thought I would not come back, that I was giving up.  It didn't help that I could not explain what I was doing or why, I just knew I had to do it.

That weekend I became very ill and called a friend to take me to Casaulty where I was admitted for a minor op to remove an abscess as my temperature had become dangerously high.  It took me weeks of sleeping to grow new flesh and return to strength and finally everybody understood.  Jobs lined themselves up pretty well for the rest of the year, two short term jobs  that took me through to the true beginning of my third year and related to my degree.

But that is not the most important thing about that year for it is the year I met F.

It makes me wonder about the other Blue Moons I have lived through...  and looking at the dates I can see a link to big things in my life.   Decisions made that took me in a new decision, either for me or by me such as changing schools, starting jobs, moving.  As well as events such as meeting a new love, breaking up and illness.  Interestingly, in some parts of the world this moon is not a Blue Moon and the next moon is.  A narrow slice of the world has no Blue Moon at all this year.

Moon of Surrender Review

Well this moon has been characterized by a general downward slide in energy levels.  I didn't go down as far as I had sunk after our honeymoon but I did go down.  The weekends became more and more about sleeping and life settled in to a pattern of energy conserving and getting through the working week and then crashing at the weekend.

The big thing during this week was the arrival of my Sister and her kids and it was lovely to see them but really, I was too tired to cope well.  I was good and held it together mostly with them but my frustrations clearly show on this blog.  I slept whenever I could, sometimes even in just a few minutes while I was alone in a room.

In large ways this holiday was not about my sister and I spending time together though and my sister clearly showed that this was not her prime aim.  The children were, and this included S.  The bit that really upset me was that Thursday was to be our last evening together, she was to have already eaten before she came over and after this we would only see her briefly before she left Saturday.  Anyway, I brought dessert and borrowed a film I thought everyone would like, but they did not show.  At 7.30 I had a call telling me that she had decided to treat S to a meal as it was their last night together and they had just ordered.  I was very hurt.  I told her that I go to bed at 10 and the closer it gets to that time the more difficulty I have with things.  I also pointed out that as she did not want S to stay the night she needed to remember that F was on an early shift and would then have to drive S elsewhere.  There was no question of us joining them, we had already eaten and it would have taken a while to get where they were.  i was very, very hurt.

I know my Sister feels bad.  I know she just packed too much in to the day and it was too late and everyone was hungry.  I even got a sorry from her later.  But she turned up here at 9.30 and after a full on week and working, it was just too much.  F and I still have quite a bit of Vienetta to eat though *laugh*

The thing is, we did not lose it at each other but I expressed enough for her to kow how hurt I was and she said enough so I knew where her head had been.  I can not remember the last time she said sorry to me.  Believe me, this is some progress between us....

And that was it for the Moon really.  Sleeping and dealing with what life brought to me.

So this was my song for the Moon.  It literally jumped out at me.  I was at work with one colleague and we had the radio on and this came on and Boom!  The more I read the words too.....  And then I found the words Dream On for my Dreamboard that night.  And after years of neither of us ever hearing this song, it was on the radio all the time.

My totem for this Moon turned out to be Horse, which was not a huge surprise, I was very strongly drawn to them about this time.  My dream though took me back to younger days and tending to the needs of Horse.  Not about riding them and the wild freedom but literally shoveling s***.  I guess this true right now for me, I am tending the energy, nurturing it, conserving it, definately not using it!  This dream went on though into another one all about my Dragon totem for Breaking Masks the next moon.  However Breaking Masks will be skipped in this sequence because the next moon is a Blue Moon.  Breaking Masks is my current moon of the year however and this too comes to an end soon, and then I start my year of Reason.  I shall do posts for both....

My picture is this one....

And I love it, it sums it up beautifully.  Surrendering to the Dreaming, to the tides of what will be, Sleeping.  Those could even be Dandelion seeds carrying wishes....

She sat on the top of the cliff, her back to the sea.  
She sat in a field full of Dandelions and their seed.
She sat as her Dreaming self took flight into the sea.
She sat as she was carried away, as she was freed.

She danced on the Waves and explored undersea Caves

She flew through the air and left behind all her cares
She went everywhere and nowhere
She grew wings and she grew fins

She never wanted to return to all that made her blue
She searched coral gardens and rainbows
She hunted for a door her body could step through
She moved through stars and dark matter

She could not find a gate anywhere
and then she remembered, the one place she had not searched
a field where a sleeping girl sat dreaming amongst the dandelion faeries
and a gate glowing within her body