Friday, 28 October 2011

Blue Moon

OK so... Not the worlds best day!

I had a driving test today - a work related one and while I passed, I did not pass well, not at all. In fact, I don't think I should have passed. I don't feel good about it. While I know I am not dangerous at all, I am lacking in confidence and a bit on the nervous side, and very much on the slow side. Like I said, I don't feel good, not at all.....

And the moon has hit me hard this month! It was always going to too, stress of wedding organisation didn't allow my body to unwind and when it did after the wedding, it only did it partially. I knew this one would be a biggy but it is probably the the worse I have had in 15 years.

I also have a funeral to attend next week.

Apart from that, everything is good amd there is still plenty of good stuff kicking around in my life. Drumming tomorrow. My Neuro Linguistic Programming book. My lovely man and my horrid dog! And mostly - it's Friday! yaayyyyyyy!

Monday, 24 October 2011

Family Feud

I guess every family has one, or two, or maybe even more, if you go back far enough. This one concerns a Great Grandfather (D) and his two sons, E the Elder and Y the Younger. D had a trade and he worked in that trade for most of his life but at some point he bought the business he worked for. He had two sons and many daughters. Instead of leaving it to the eldest son, he left it to the younger son with the expectation that his son would support the remaining daughters and look after them.

This should be the end of the story, but of course it isn't. E was bitter about this and I think one or more of the older sisters may have supported him, sisters who had left home and made their own way in life and stood to gain nothing, and lose nothing. Not surprsingly the different branches of the family went their own ways until I was a teenager, when we got back in contact and arranged to meet.

I remember this meeting through a fog of time. There was odd undercurrents and the bitterness was still apparent, having been passed down the generations. Odd how people see things, the business was as much a burden as a blessing at times. It was nursed through recessions and required long, long hours. Often to see my Dad, we had to go to work. He is retired now, but all that hard graft has taken it's toll and he has never really had the health to fully enjoy his retirement.

Tracing my family tree has explained a few things though. I can kind of understand why E was so bitter. You see E was in the Army. In 1911 he was an Errand Boy at the tender age of 17 probably working for the same company as his fatherand living at home. In 1912 however he was called to join the reserves and was now in a different trade, probably not anything to do with the company his father worked for.

Later on he was called up and became a soldier, a driver and in 1916 he married and was no longer living at his family home. In fact he must have moved out some time between 1912 and 1916 because the lady he married lived on the same street as he now lived on. So he was no longer living at home and probably no longer contributing to his parents and sisters support.

he fought the good fight around the world and actually went career. He was obviously good at what he did because his army records clearly show him being transferred from unit to unit as they were disbanded at the end of the war. He must have enjoyed it too.

In 1919 however he left the army, with a free discharge at his own request. Later that year his Father died. He had probably received word of his Fathers ill health and returned home. He probably expected to inherit the family business as the eldest son. His Father did differently though. He left it to Y who was only 17.

Y had been too young to go to war and stayed home, probably worked with his Father and been steady and hard working. He knew the business and lived at home with no wife. I can image D extracted some promises from Y about taking care of his sisters, having them life at home and not sending them off to work as servants etc and letting them marry in their own time. E would not have been a good bet for such assurances - he had already been managing a second home and had a wife and he had been away from the family for many years and did not know the business as well. I suspect the moving out and working in a different trade would have caused rows too.... A hard choice....

No wonder E was bitter - he had given all for his country and sacrificed his career for his family and now he had been cheated by a little brother....

But the thing is, Y did not marry until he was in his 40s. The younger sisters stayed home and they all married in their own good time. He obviously looked after them. They obviously felt no bitterness about how things worked out - one branch of the family is still good friends to this day and some of the members of this branch were at my tiny wedding. The youngest sister was someone we used to visit when I was little, but I remember very little about her.

But I feel like I understand now, a lot better.... I wonder if E would have done any different if he had had to make that choice?

Friday, 21 October 2011

It feels like so much has happened since I last blogged. It has been a busy week for sure.

Monday and Tuesday I went to the gym like a good little girl. I got a good sweat on with my walk that is in reality little more than a saunter to most folks. F was going at that speed on his warm up. But it felt good.

Then there was another trip to the podiatrist. The corrective stuff is working well and unless things start to hurt again i don't need to go back for some time. I had noticed that the exercises were making one foot stronger than the other. The weak foot was the one I hurt last Christmas so i was not surprised. A little bone somewhere in the middle foot was stiff and it was clear when he showed me.... And now it is sore because he did rather a lot of loosening of it!

We had another fascinating chat about feet and going barefoot. How we should run and walk and why we should all really be barefoot. We talked about what I should be doing and where I should be aiming. Building up my gluts and walking barefoot on the beach... Shame it is cold now!

After going to the gym on Tuesday I came over feeling very, very cold. I have been cold ever since, and yes the weather has taken a sharp turn for the cold here but even so... I am under the weather, almost getting a cold, but not quite. I am hoping I may have dodged it, but it has reduced my energy levels this week. I have not done so much really. I intend to keep it that way this weekend....

My Magpies appear well, however, I don't always get to feed them any more. A big Crow has figured out what I am up to and sometimes he is sat by my car waiting for me now. He has two smaller Crows in attendance and sometimes they fly over when they see him get food. Today I only had one of the smaller Crows. My two Magpies won't take on the big Crow but if there is one smaller Crow, they will hop around and sneak a bit of food, if I scatter it widely enough. I have to say it is quite fun to watch them.

I don't begrudge the Crows, not really, but I do wish they would share with my friends. My heart does not sing for the Crows like it does for the Magpies and Mr and Mrs have become so very familiar to me over this last year.

This morning as I was driving to work the music I was listening to went quiet and then had the sound of a hawk. Just as the hawk screeched (or whatever it is they do), a Magpie hopped onto a roof and looked like it was calling. It made me giggle.... I love my Magpies.

Sunday, 16 October 2011

Walk Down Memory Lane

OK so yesterday did not agree with me - one bit..... Today I feel rough as but there is always another day and I sure will not be breaking my diet today! *laugh*

When F finally wakes and vacates the bed, I will be sneaking back in and pulling that duvet up over my head.

Today though, after a little reminder about working on memory on Lisa's blog, I am going to get back on it. The first two techniques combined well to create visual hooks to hang words you wish to remember on to. They combined to give me twenty hooks. I actually find myself using this technique a fair bit. I mentally create my shopping list as I find things I need to buy.

Oh I need rice milk, that's the second thing on my list. Number two is a swan from the shape of the number.... I think my swan is swimming in a lake of rice milk today. So we end up with snakes eating cottage cheese and monkeys spraying under their arms with fry light. One really hard one was Oatibix bites which happened to be number ten which is moon over water. The moon was not a person this time but a wild horse (who had had too many oats) that was trying to bite. I like that image....

The hooks were made in the following way - 1 to 10 were choosen as they relate to the form of the number, so one is a candle, two is a swan, three is a book left open with curling covers etc. 11 - 20 are choosen for rhyming, so fifteen (five) is jive, sixteen (six is sticks), seventeen (seven) is heaven. You choose whatever images work best for you. Seventeen led to one of my favourite images. Halloween pumpkins sitting on clouds with halos.....

So the next technique is to make a memory room and it got put off due to the wedding. I need to sit down and plan out my room and the route that I will take around it and the various objects in it. When you want to remember things you alter the state of things in the room. I will fill it full of things I like that have significance to me. So maybe a drum, a horse, some magpies, definitely a big schoshy sofa and a tree. And some doors. Eventually I might make my memory room in to a memory house with this room set up as the entrance hallway. Until then the doors can be open or shut and show views on to different places.

One really interesting thing though, is that in Katherine Kerr's magnificent set of books set in Deverry, one story has considerable use of this technique. Not only does he manipulate things in the real world by it but it is fluid, so things change in the house without him doing it. He might have a statue of a significant person and depending on what is going on with that person the statue changes by itself. I have no idea if any of that is possible! You can be sure I will look out for any minor changes though!

I have also been continuing reading about the Alexander Technique. It is clear that some lessons would help with understanding this all in relation to my body though. Still I intend to find out if my Podiatrist thinks any particular leg muscles need to be worked in the gym to assist with the exercises he will give me. I know I am using my legs poorly. I have knock knees, flat feet and one leg is longer than the other. Currently we are using support and exercises to correct my flat feet.

In the gym yesterday, sauntering along on the treadmill ( well a saunter for other people, a workout for me), I was opposite a mirror. I could see quite clearly that as I walk, I place my shorter leg's foot straight but my long leg's foot is turned outward. My short leg ankle has been troublesome this past year and the foot has not gained strength as quickly as my other foot. There is a lot more work to be done.

Last time I went to the gym, they had to show you every machine and I ended up with a giant unwieldy routine that was unworkable. The emphasis has changed considerably. I went on three pieces of cardio equipment and that was it, and will be it for a little while. I am hoping that the podiatrist will give me a few machines that would beneficial - and then the gym staff can show me them too. Music is going to be key in my gym experience though....

I am at my fattest ever now, fatter by far than last time I went to the gym, quite a few years ago. The interesting thing is, quite a few people recently have said that they think I have lost quite a bit of weight. I personally think it is about confidence and happiness. This year has been so much better inside my head. This next year is about my health, fitness and weight. Making my body match my mind.

Saturday, 15 October 2011


So today it has all started.

The diet began at breakfast. My organic fruit, meat and veg arrived yesterday. So there was organic sausages with our healthy bacon and poached eggs. The last of our shrooms were cooked up with an organic onion. Then there was a glass of rice milk and a couple of little cheeses for my dairy and some toast for fibre.

I just hope I can keep the momentum up.... these breakfasts will only occur at the weekend so I have to find another way during the week and that is always where I struggle.

Now I have to plan the menu for the next little while so I can freeze the rest of the meat we don't need. And over all this looms the gym and I can feel myself start to get a bit nervous, even though the person doing my induction is a mate and F will be there too....

Life is also prompting me to get a swimming cosi. Well in fact I have no choice. A hen night in arrangements will contain a trip to a spa. I have found these things called swim dresses and I am going to get one, even though they are not overly cheap. I need to feel like the nasty skin at the tops of my legs is not fully on view. Of course losing weight should help my skin condition too. I have deformed sweat glands that get blocked easily so rubbing is enough to cause problems. i can't imagine having legs that don't rub.

Mel has been talking about dangerous thoughts and it was immediately obvious that this is one of mine. I can be thin, fit and healthy. That thought, taken seriously just requires so much. So much pain, so much effort, a good dose of misery too, in the short(ish) term at least. Oh and deprivation.... my poor sweet tooth!

On another note. Saw this video earlier and was just so impressed with the way the words have been used.

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

Soul Music

So I like music - I always have. F and I have way too many CDs. In fact I have too much music to fit on to my ipod - all 120G! More than I can ever really listen to...

I played instruments at school. I played the recorder. From soprano to bass. I reached grade five on the descant and three on the treble and I can't remember what grade in theory. I dabbled with the guitar. I could find my way around a piano. I picked up the flute and clarinet and put both down again very quickly. I love to sing too.

I lost music for many years. I know that may sound strange, but I truly did. A lack of working stereo. No working tape or CD player in my car. A lack of music that made my heart sing and a lack of money to correct that. So many reasons, but truly I lost myself for so many years.

F alsways laughs at me when I sing because i forget the words. I make them up. But I always remember the tune. Don't get me wrong, I love words, but mostly for what they can do, the stories they can tell, what they can communicate, not for the words themselves so much. I am coming to realise that I have been trained to think in words but my strengths lie elsewhere. i think words themselves have been blocking me somewhat.

I talk myself through journeying. I talk myself through thinking - I barely listen to the non-verbalised thoughts in my brain any more. I have almost forgotten that I have thoughts accessible by my conscious self that are not verbalised. Journeying had been a little foggy for me because of this, but drumming really, really really helped. Even then I still verbalised. This makes it very hard for the words of the other to come to me. In meeting with my Magpie, I found it so hard to follow any meaningful conversation. It was meaningful of course, but so much detail was lost....

Although a friend advised me to find a drumming circle. I had already been prompted in this direction sometime previously by a dream. I don't remember much from the dream but very clearly there was Florence and the Machines Drumming Song.

The chatter in my head is much quieter than it used to be, but it is still there and this leaves much more space for other things to come through. My whole being and spirituality is taking me in a different direction now.

Another night I woke with James Ring the Bells in my head. A song I have not heard in so many years. Listening to his music now, again, with a different worldview, I am convinced that his spirituality is similar to mine. The song shouted in joyful tones that I am walking the right path....

So I have been having many chats about dreams recently and in talking about new types of dreams, to me. I commented that I had a recent experience of images flashing quicker than I could register or even properly see them. I was referred to hypnagogia. Which made me realise that I am aware of this falling asleep time and have been for most of my life, but for me hypnagogia is not generally visual as I fall asleep, for me it is musical.

So last night I woke with a song and the realisation that music is where I receive so much guidance and truth. The precious songs that have played at important moments in my life and helped me through, or tell me I am loved, or make me just plain happy.... And last night I was gifted another song.

Fix You by Coldplay.

Reading the words this morning almost made me cry. I know it is probably about some relationship difficulties or some such but the words for me right now have a very different meaning. The offer of help and guidance and reassurance from whatever you wish to call it, that I am doing the right thing, right now, in trying to change my health completely. Now is the time.....

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Sunday, 9 October 2011

Well it's all done..... good money spent and I am committed to my temporary misery! Wish me luck! Everything kicks off next weekend really.....

The Never Never

I feel mixed up - ten parts beaten, ten parts tired, ten parts despairing, ten parts fat and ten parts unfit.... there are other things I feel too, but they buoy me up rather than weighing me down. I need to lose weight and now is the time. I have to do what needs to be done.

I played on the Wii on Friday. Watching Biggest Loser, I had realised that Wii Fit was a little tame - i don't even really work up a sweat. I bought a second hand copy of the Biggest Loser game and I bounced around. I found it so hard. It is designed to burn fat and I kinda appear fit enough it seems to get myself into the moderately fit category - but I just don't have the stamina to work out at that pace. I felt light headed and i sat down. And then I despaired.

I then had the nasty thought that maybe I needed to get myself back to the gym. I know people at the gym, I have friends who are qualified gym instructors there. Two of them were at my wedding. I know they would help me. if I went back, I would not have a personal trainer, with me every second, but I would have the next best thing - someone watching over me with a personal interest in helping me.

F also has membership still and would bemore than happy to have a reason to start going again. he loves exercise when he gets in to it. He needs to start getting away from that computer again.

We talked this morning and I told him my thoughts and how I was feeling. So I am going to join the gym again. I have ordered some tracky bottoms. I have the good trainers with the support I require. I am going to facebook my friend and go mep at him. I am going to book my gym intro thing.

But I have always preferred diet as a means of getting thin and we can't neglect this aspect. F has always liked the way I get behind it all and start planning stuff but I need his help with the doing - because i will feel pretty awful after the first few days and my energy levels will suffer for the next few weeks.

We decided against diet clubs. We have been before and with F's shifts it gets complicated. It also takes up a lot of time to hear how other people ar getting on. And while this is supportive and good, it is also expensive for two of us and we on't really enjoy it.... So we have decided to go it alone, but use our old books from when we did go.

What I decided to do, although F was ambivalent, is to go back to the veg boxes. I like them because you get an unpredictable variety which helps (mostly) keep your veg eating out a rut. You also have the challenge of using it all up before the next one comes and working out meals that craftily use it all without having to buy extras from the supermarket.

I also elected to get some fruit and meat. i love the meat boxes. Good quality meat. The price of meat in the supermarkets currently is such that these boxes are more competitive than they used to be. Mostly because they are not full of prime cuts. i went for two smaller boxes - this gives us more variety without huge cuts of meat that encourage us to eat too much meat. I got a winter warmers box full of things for stewing and this will include odd joints I have never, ever had the courage to try cooking with before - like ox tail. This is a good thing. i also went for a quick and easy box with sausages and burgers and the like. Most of the meat will sit in the freezer.....

So I am getting myself well placed to begin this ofensive against ill health and flab. Using everything we have done and learnt over the years in one big combined battle. I know it will feel like I am losing to begin with. I know I will want to give up. but I can't. I need this too much. i want to live my life how I want to live it and for that, i need to be a lot thinner.

I have to start living as if I was thin and doing the things I want to do now, rather than waiting for the never never. It is going to hurt though. i don't like all this really. not at all.

Friday, 7 October 2011

And what do I see on facebook two seconds after writing my last post?

Talk about synchronicity. sent shivers down my spine....

Change A Foot

I always planned to change things up a little after the wedding - to look at my health properly and look at how I can change my life in a way that truly works for me. Time to sort myself out.

So I bought things with my birthday money - Tai Chi DVD's and book, Neuro Linguistic Programming book, Alexander Technique books. Things that have been burbling in the back of my head as being good, gentle places for me to start.

The Alexander Techique is all about good posture to reduce stress on the body. How you stand, how you sit, how you move. of course many of these things start with the feet.... and my feet always hurt. They turn over badly as well. My masseuse (sounds sooo posh! I have regular lymphatic detox massages and i soooo need them) said that my recent exercise had caused put my legs out of alignment because my arches were weak in my feet.

This made me think about feet as relates to walking and posture and body a bit. F went to see a Podiatrist some years ago and I decided to book an appointment and go see what he had to say about how my feet work.

He had a lot to say. he is no longer a Podiatrist who focuses solely on support - he focuses on strengthening so you no longer need support. I have nice new supportive insoles with wedges to correct my feet but I also have a spiky ball and foot exercises to do.

He also advised which trainers to get and I went out and bought them. Just wearing my new trainers with my insoles for half a day and I could feel the difference. My feet did not hurt last night, or this morning when I got up. i can't remember the last time that happened. Being overweight does not help at all of course....

So all is good....


That is not the end of this post. We spoke about other healt related things and he suggested a whole range of other things I barely know anything about. One thing I felt very strongly from our conversation is that science is moving on, it is starting to look at and understand why some spiritual / faith things work.

Like grounding - except they call it earthing. it seems there is a growing body of research that is showing that walking bare foot and connecting to the earth is good for us. That it allows a natural flow of electricity if you like that helps clear up nasties in the bodies, like free radicals and antioxidants and all that stuff..... wow! How cool is that! I have some reading matter to go and investigate now but.... just wow.... Oh and some people have reported feeling better spiritually following grounding *grin*

This conversation surprised me and made me think of some other conversations I have had recently. There is someone I know who is a fanatic. He talks openly about conspiracy theories, UFOs and aliens (although more in the style of Graham Hancock really) and all nature of spiritual stuff. he is such a strong believer that it automatically makes people a little uncomfortable and puts him on the frings of things - which he is strong enough to accept.

I had the impression during one of our talks that he knows change is coming but he doesn't see it coming amongst everyday folk. I disagreed - I mentioned about the internet, how people talk here, share their lives, blog, change, grow. All in small ways mostly but we form a network of people that are gently changing and shifting. More and more people are like us, even scientists and professionals. Change is coming gently seeping through. The more open you are the more people you find - even when you are having your feet checked out.... People are opening up to the possibilities.

If there is a big change coming, it will be us that change it, not the fanatics, but they will help carry us through, they are the pioneers for sure. but it is the likes of us that will change society....

What do you think?Link

Saturday, 1 October 2011

Traveling on the Beat of the Drum

I have been thinking about what I am and am not willing to share... I decided that I was willing to share my journeys and experiences, but only if they did not relate to someone else's questions. As part of our drumming afternoon, we did a solo journey, a group journey on a question posed by one of the people, plus some healing with drums. All very good but I just don't think it right to put my views on happenings personal to others out there...

so here is my journey... Much more vivid than normal! I stil had to talk myself through it a bit but things were happening in that place without me thinking about them. Some of the things that happened really surprised me!

I started by the oak tree in my parents garden. I remember when the oak tree wasn't there. I remember when we first saw it shooting above the grass. It roots hold wishes of mine. I looked up into the tree and saw a magpie. I was dubious of this because magpie, is the obvious totem for me but also because I know totems will appear multiple times....

So I turned away towards the house. Except it had gone! And there were trees, everywhere.... The shape of the land of my home was there but everything else was different. I think I turned into a bird because i was above the trees by now, looking down as I explored the area.

We were supposed to be doing an Underworld journey so I decided to try going down. I flew at the ground and it opened up and swallowed me down in to a tunne, which led to a beautiful cave. There was nothing there for me, so I dived into a pool of water and swam on. It led into a tunnel that popped out into the ocean. There was nothing there for me either. So I swam up towards the sun. There was nothing there for me either. but I could see land, and it was covered with trees.

I fgured that I perhaps should have stayed in the forest in the first place. I didn't even need to swim there, I was just there....

Once in the forest, I felt like dancing, so i did. I danced in and out of the trees and suddenly there was others with me. Maybe people, maybe spirits, maybe part animal. No idea. but we danced in joy and made a serpent dancing through the trees.

The dance reached it's height and I woke under a tree in a ball and I looked up. And there was Magpie again. This time I accepted it and suddenly magpie was dissasociating and flowing down and out of the tree into the shape of a young woman with black and white hair. She took my hand and we walked and found ourselves at a fire in the now twilight. Grandmother Bear was there too, along with other spirits I did not study or identify.

We had tea and then it was dark. We lay back and looked at the sky, where there was so many, many stars. Magpie pointed out the giant Magpie in the sky. Then Grandmother Bear started to speak and she told us about the stars in the sky and how they started off as spirits. (I find conversation and stories really, really hard in journeys. I know I missed much of this).

Magpie then started asking me questions. About who I am and what I wanted to be. I can't remember all the ins and outs of this but the point of it all was that I can be who I want to be, I can do what I want to do. I can shine as bright as I wish, as bright as a star, but only if I choose to. I have long felt like I was supposed to do something, fated. I guess that is not so, not exactly anyway. The lesson was that personal choice is very important, just as luck and fate are too.....

Then it was time to return.

In the group journey we were to go to the upperworld. I started on a hill near where I grew up that is used by gliders and the like because it is so steep, you can just run off the side... and this is what I did! (again to my surprise) and I turned into a bird. No guesses what sort!

It felt good.