The Never Never

I feel mixed up - ten parts beaten, ten parts tired, ten parts despairing, ten parts fat and ten parts unfit.... there are other things I feel too, but they buoy me up rather than weighing me down. I need to lose weight and now is the time. I have to do what needs to be done.

I played on the Wii on Friday. Watching Biggest Loser, I had realised that Wii Fit was a little tame - i don't even really work up a sweat. I bought a second hand copy of the Biggest Loser game and I bounced around. I found it so hard. It is designed to burn fat and I kinda appear fit enough it seems to get myself into the moderately fit category - but I just don't have the stamina to work out at that pace. I felt light headed and i sat down. And then I despaired.

I then had the nasty thought that maybe I needed to get myself back to the gym. I know people at the gym, I have friends who are qualified gym instructors there. Two of them were at my wedding. I know they would help me. if I went back, I would not have a personal trainer, with me every second, but I would have the next best thing - someone watching over me with a personal interest in helping me.

F also has membership still and would bemore than happy to have a reason to start going again. he loves exercise when he gets in to it. He needs to start getting away from that computer again.

We talked this morning and I told him my thoughts and how I was feeling. So I am going to join the gym again. I have ordered some tracky bottoms. I have the good trainers with the support I require. I am going to facebook my friend and go mep at him. I am going to book my gym intro thing.

But I have always preferred diet as a means of getting thin and we can't neglect this aspect. F has always liked the way I get behind it all and start planning stuff but I need his help with the doing - because i will feel pretty awful after the first few days and my energy levels will suffer for the next few weeks.

We decided against diet clubs. We have been before and with F's shifts it gets complicated. It also takes up a lot of time to hear how other people ar getting on. And while this is supportive and good, it is also expensive for two of us and we on't really enjoy it.... So we have decided to go it alone, but use our old books from when we did go.

What I decided to do, although F was ambivalent, is to go back to the veg boxes. I like them because you get an unpredictable variety which helps (mostly) keep your veg eating out a rut. You also have the challenge of using it all up before the next one comes and working out meals that craftily use it all without having to buy extras from the supermarket.

I also elected to get some fruit and meat. i love the meat boxes. Good quality meat. The price of meat in the supermarkets currently is such that these boxes are more competitive than they used to be. Mostly because they are not full of prime cuts. i went for two smaller boxes - this gives us more variety without huge cuts of meat that encourage us to eat too much meat. I got a winter warmers box full of things for stewing and this will include odd joints I have never, ever had the courage to try cooking with before - like ox tail. This is a good thing. i also went for a quick and easy box with sausages and burgers and the like. Most of the meat will sit in the freezer.....

So I am getting myself well placed to begin this ofensive against ill health and flab. Using everything we have done and learnt over the years in one big combined battle. I know it will feel like I am losing to begin with. I know I will want to give up. but I can't. I need this too much. i want to live my life how I want to live it and for that, i need to be a lot thinner.

I have to start living as if I was thin and doing the things I want to do now, rather than waiting for the never never. It is going to hurt though. i don't like all this really. not at all.