Moon of Inter-Relations Introduction

I think this is one of the easier Moons to understand from its name.  Everyone knows what inter-relations are and everyone interacts with those around them.  Whether we do it well or not is another matter of course.  I don't think I always do very well at it.

I think I am quite good at understanding people and working them out etc - but only when I take a step back and disengage from my own neediness and fear of not being accepted.  When I let that neediness and fear dominate things go a bit wrong.  I know where this all begins, in childhood, because when it comes down to it, I didn't fit when I was a kid and in many ways I still feel like fitting is something I have to work at in most places.

In many ways I think the way my brain works is far more masculine than feminine.  I am very logical and mathematical and scientific.  I have had to work at understanding and releasing my emotions.  My mind is good at rationalising emotions aways, except of course when you do that, they don't go away, they just get buried and come back and cause more problems later.... 

One example of this is attraction.  I do not believe, personally, in being unfaithful.  When I am in a relationship, I pretty literally, just am not attracted to others.  Except that is a lie, attraction is a natural part of our society and it is everywhere around us.  It has taken me a long time to accept and admit to myself when I do find someone else attractive and to not see that as a threat to my relationship.  It is just there and that's fine, I don't think about it or act on it, obviously, but it is important to not repress these reactions too.

There is one guy at work I have a soft spot for and because of that and how I deal with that, he probably doesn't even think I like him as a person!  Should I not be able to trust enough to be friends with someone I like?  And that for me is where a lot of this all hangs in the balance.  I don't trust.  I don't want to encourage male attention, I don't flirt, except with people who I completely and utterly trust and know have no interest in me in that way (except obviously my husband *laugh*). 

It all comes down to being raped.  People do not behave well so often when lust is involved.  I see it all the time.  I know a very, very attractive man and he is harassed by many of the women he has to interact with.  Luckily he is easy going and gregarious with a good sense of humour.  Even so, sometimes you can see he is uncomfortable.  Sometimes womens behaviour towards him makes me uncomfortable as an observer.  What i find particularly abhorent is how women in senior positions use those positions, intentionally or not.

As a woman, if someone pinched my bum or touched my chest I would be well within my rights to complain and take it much further.  So what gives women a right to do this to men and expect no emotional discomfort?

Anyway, I guess all this is important to me within this Moon.  What else is happening is that my tribe is changing again, one has left and another is about to join.  And who knows how this will effect us, but affect us it shall....

Going back to not belonging.  Being clever and academic and a tomboy meant I never quite fitted.  I didn't have that easy rapport and the more conscious of it I became, the harder I tried and the less I had it.  Family friends always liked my sister better, which I found hard because as a person she is much more difficult than me, but rapport is about surface not about depth and what someone is like to live with.

So at 7 I had my last year at Primary School.  Because I was so unhappy my parents decided that I should join my sister at private school as soon as I was old enough.  I had a wonderful teacher this year and we had a very fun year.  I think we did him a dis-service though.  We always thought I had not learnt as much because I had been having fun because I struggled when I changed schools, except that I accidentally got put up a year when I changed schools *laugh*.  In reality, his teaching methods put me ahead enough that no one realised I had jumped a year....

I remember it being so hot that I had to stand outside in the cool because my nose kept bleeding.  I remember being top of the class with my friend L.  I remember liking horses and I think this was the beginning of that.  I remember devouring books.  I remember a lesson where we did some geometrical construction and really liking that.  I remember learning my times tables and getting stars.

Towards the end of the year I suddenly discovered that I liked playing with the boys and that they were much easier going and relaxed about me joining them.  i remember playing with the two Kevin's and running around through the trees (where we probably should not have been).  The shame of this was, having just probably found my way through, I moved to a girls school.

My next two years of Inter-relationship have been marked by bullying.  At 20 I had succumbed to glandular fever again and was becoming more and more of a wreak as I slowly slid towards my nervous breakdown at 21.  My salvation was again a man and at the beginning of this year I started going out with someone I lived with for several years and will always remember fondly. 

Unfortunately within this social group there was a girl who was rather unpleasant.  She had had a difficult life for sure and was somewhat messed up.  She was tough but mean with a wounded inner child.  She was getting at a friend and my bf and I stood up to her and the lies she was spreading.  Everything got sorted and her part was soon forgotten, but she never forgot or forgave me my part in it.  As I slowly crumbled she picked at my weaknesses.  I am sure I would have had a nervous breakdown no matter what happened, but the exact timing of it was down to her.

Interestingly some of my earlier stronger dreams focused around her and as a result I have a promise that if ever I win the lottery, I shall use some of the money to track her down.  Not to punish her or any other such thing, but because she will need my help and forgiveness.  There is a bond of karma there which I have no intention of taking through to the next life.

My last year of Inter-Relations was the year my Boss started bullying me.  She didn't get me to leave and things are calm between us now.  You might almost think us friends, but don't think i will ever forget my knowledge of what she is truly like.  She too is damaged beyond repair.  More recently I had a dream that told me she would kill herself.  I can well believe that one day it might all get to much for to take and I do not wish for that to happen.

I would like to think that in some way I beat this cycle within this moon and that it won't be like this for me again.  With out a doubt this has been a tough Moon for me previously.  Last year was eventful but alright.  S came to live with us for a month or so due to his own issues.

My Dreamboard for this Moon is not a busy one.  a pod of Dolphins swimming within a wave. A forest canopy.  A sea cliff with a hole in it with wild waves spilling through.  A dark and wrecked city where a fire burns and a shadowy figure keeps warm. A Peacock.  A Red Kite.  Words about hope and fear and new beginnings....