I have always loved a good ghost story. As a kid I remember being fascinated by stories. I remember how one book had all srts of snippets and it said that on a particular night of the year if you stood in a graveyard you would see different colour lights go past for men women and children. I remember wishing I could see them and being terrified all at the same time.
We used to visit the Lake District every year on holiday and I had two ghost books which I read many a time. So many of the stories seemed to be connected to unhappiness and bad omens. They were designed to scare and thrill and terrify. And so I grew with my fascination and horror being pretty much equal amounts I guess.
I never saw a ghost, so maybe if they did exist, the only ones I would ever see would be the bad ones? I guess at some point my desire to see one changed to desire not to see one. But my fascination never changed.
We went to York when I was young and did a ghost tour. I loved it and insisted my parents buy me a picture of a ghost... which surprisingly they did. In later years I went on a ghost walk of a local town with a youth group I belonged to. The guy leading it was fascinating, not a wishy washy psychic, but a member of the local historical society who was very factual. It was a real eye opener to discover that nearly every building at the heart of that ancient town had collected a ghost along the way.
I have told F that I want to do a ghost night for my birthday over the past couple of years but this has always ended up on hold for one reason or another. And at the moment, the place I wish to visit is closed for renovation. You can only visit Pengersick Castle on ghost tours and I just always wanted to have a look around inside. Or at least that is the reason I gave myself.
My fascination has become unhealthily mixed with horror. I had not realised to what extent, or how unhealthy this was until recently.
I used to go to a spiritualist church. I desperately wanted someone to come and visit me but nobody ever did. I even joined their development group fro a time and it was really interesting. But I had one of those moments I have when something catches a nerve and I walk away and i could not even tell you what it was. I told myself the commitment was getting too much.
Then Lisa told me I should go to a graveyard and connect with the stories held in the bones and I have not been able to do that either. Opening myself up to ghosts terrifies me. They always say the best defence against magic and the supernatural is not believing.
A while back I bumped in to the friend who first took me to the spiritualist church. She has since become a medium and she very firmly informed me that the reason no one ever came to see me was because I was scared and blocking it all very hard... and I know she is right. I also know our meeting was important because when I looked back in my dream diary, I had dreamt about her and getting numbers etc. I just need to get back in contact and go....
Recently at work there has been a ghost incident, where someone felt themselves being touched. On talking to colleagues they say that odd things have happened, machines starting by themselves, the automatic lights turning on one by one as if someone is walking through etc. While doing overtime I had to walk through and I could feel something watching me. I could feel where it was. An odd feeling made odder because it almost feels as if I am watching me with whatever is there. On reaching my colleagues it turned out a few minutes before one of them had had all the lights turn on as if someone was walking through into the room where I felt the ghost.
So many of my colleagues seem to have ghost stories, even those who are sceptical. It is starting to feel that I can sense them, sometimes, but only when I do not let my fear and scepticism get in the way. I am also sure that I could learn to see them. As I learn more about the dreaming, I suspect that if I allowed myself to enter the dreaming when I sensed a ghost I would be able to see them and maybe even connect with them further. That feeling of watching myself is not entirely new to me.
Bedlam recently started it's second series on TV and the first episode of this series made me realise how scared of ghosts I actually am. It terrified me.
S was having a chat with me recently and it seems that he feels haunted by his grandparents. The smell of smoke, the feeling of being touched, the room going cold... I feel my hands are very much tied with him because I can not say anything too out there that his mother would take offence to. I did point out that his Grandparents would only want to help him and he should not be scared of them. I also suggested he 'talk' to them. I also brought up the idea of unresolve, but I think the idea of them having unfinished business was a difficult one for him, although I did point out it might be as simple as saying good bye.
As we were talking a trailer for Bedlam came on and I could see him go tense. It made me realise that the two things are so very separate but for me they have become too closely associated. I very firmly told him that this was not the sort of thing he was dealing with and as I said it I realised I meant it. These terror stories are just that, the fear of the unknown, fear of death, fear that they must be bad because they have not gone to heaven. Most ghosts are just confused and lost or here to do something, finish something.
I am sure there are nasty maleveolent ghosts out there but I have not come across any and stories of them seem way more common than people who have actually experienced such things first hand.
The time for me to take a step towards all this is coming and it is a big step for me.
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