I had a job to do yesterday - I needed to go into town and get the finishing bits for a friends costume for her Hen Party. So I went into town. I don't often go. I don't overly enjoy shopping although I love buying. I find it hard to find things I want in town, they don't have the books I really want or clothes that fit me.
I like shopping with F. Mind you, I like doing pretty much anything with F. Everything is more fun with him....
F however needed his hair cut so we went our separate ways and I started trawling charity shops. The first thing that caught my eye was a pink cotton top in my size. Did I buy it. No. I couldn't really find anything to make into the costume but I went to look at the Cd's and books. As my eye flew across the rack certain things began to jump out at me. The Crow, Wings, Elegance... It was like being in a random omen generator and I started to feel a bit dizzy. Too much. I got scared.
So I went and got some cash and some food, which I ate, then I worked my way down, charity shop to charity shop with a couple of detours to bookshops. I bought Twitchiking - the story of a man who used to Twitter to raise money for charity and get to the otherside of the world. I saw it full price first and it jumped out at me when I saw it cut price...
But I couldn't find anything in the charity shops and I started to lose heart. Then I would hear a Jackdaw fly over calling to me. Believe. Believe. I did lose heart. By the end... Then I saw the little alternative shop and I had to go in.
I chatted to the lady a little and three things drew me. First that little bing went off in my head at a small pink object, when I picked it up, it was a small pink rabbit. Next Clary Sage essential oil jumped out at me so I asked what it was for.... She said depression and uplifting and bringing on childbirth. I looked it up this morning and if she had included it's properties for the skin and menstruation regulation I would have brought it.
Lastly a lovely woolen shawl drew me in. Now ideas for my costume (cowgirl) at work included wearing a poncho. The shawl had the look of a poncho and I tried it on and it was lovely. A lovely long rectangle that had been torn halfway, so that a long bit went down your back and two thin long bits down your arms and front.
I didn't buy it. I didn't buy anything. I went home. The lady told me she hopped I found what I was looking for. I think she could see my defeat and loss of energy and enthusiasm. I was not feeling good at all.
OK so I used to suffer from agoraphobia and depression so I was kinda thinking about such things when I got home. But mostly I was so tired! I joked with F that maybe I should make myself go shopping alone every weekend..
Later that evening I picked a couple of medicine cards. One was Armadillo. As I read about it, the very last line jumped out at me - about being sure depression you may feel is yours. It was all about defenses and boundaries. So maybe when I go shopping like that and I am all open because I am looking for possibilities and omens, maybe I am too open.
I think F acts as a buffer. I find other people easier when he is there. I can interact comfortably with large groups of strangers. Maybe I get included in his boundaries somehow. Maybe his love recharges and protects me.
My joke about going into town until I can do it comfortably and with ease is not such a bad one. Maybe I need to learn the hard way just like I did with my Boss. Maybe I just need to practice.
Anyway. I have decided to go back and buy the rabbit, the sage and the shawl. I may even go back and get the pink top. It took sometime to regenerate my reserves yesterday, maybe I shouldn't make myself go from one end of town to the other every time...
But you know, this makes me wonder what was really going on when I felt agoraphobic in my younger days.
Sunday, 1 April 2012
Saturday, 31 March 2012
The Winds That Blow Me
A while back I had a dream with a symbol in it which related to four of the winds on the Medicine Wheel. Firekeeper, Nomad, Initiator and Peacekeeper. Lisa suggested I sit with these for a while and that they related to my personal Medicine Wheel.
I can't say as I much liked that. I am not sure I particularly wanted any of these Winds, apart from Nomad. Initiator and Peacekeeper so often seem to be about conflict and Firekeeper is all about passion which often makes me uncomfortable. Nomad is all about connections and stories and learning and questing and that is something I love.
So I have been looking at Moons this year so far and this has made me more aware of the passing of the Winds as well. They don't go in any set order, the Wind blows as it will. On our Facebook we often discuss what the Wind feels like and then Lisa will confirm which Wind it is. Then we get to watch as it unfolds New Moon to New Moon. This year we started with Initiator, then moved in to Nomad, then it was off to Peacekeeper and now we have moved into Firekeeper. This synchronicity struck me quite hard and was an added confirmation and I think it gives me the order of these four roles on my Wheel, East clockwise round.
So first we have Initiator, which I believe sits in the East of my Wheel. The Initiator is the role which sparks people in to dealing with things, difficult things. This is a role which often gets peoples backs up because it pushes aus to grow, if necessary by shoving us out of our comfort zone. Initiators spot something that is not right and they go and get it sorted out. MaryRose is a strong initiator and often talks about this role on her blog and the difficulties it brings.
I am not comfortable with being out there so very much. I like to be confident of a group and my place in it before I let go. I don't much like confrontation or sticking my neck out, I often like to let things be as they are. So the thought of Initiator is not one I like much. Truth is though, I am not shy and when I want to do something I will go get it done, even if it needs confrontation. So I can accept that sometimes I call on Initiator energies to do what needs to be done.
But another side of Initiator is that sometimes we don't need to do things to spark people, sometimes just being ourselves gets people going. Judgement and persecution, as MaryRose says, can be an issue. And this is where Initiator gets me hooked in, because this is what I do so often. I am a mass of contradictions and people tend to see whichever of these makes them feel most uncomfortable and judge me, because of how they feel about such things in themself.
I come from a priviledged background, my Dad was a successful businessman and put us through private school but yet here I am, with poor cash flow but some good assets down at the bottom of the heap despite the advantages given me. I am very clever and well educated and I have some very good qualifications but yet I work in a Warehouse and am one of the most poorly paid people at the company I work for.
People have a problem with posh, moneyed folk and they see that in me. People have a problem with poor folk and see them as inferior, then they see that in me. People have a problem with clever people, maybe because they make them feel stupid, then they see that in me. People who feel superior and clever see me as being at the bottom of the heap. Just by being, I challenge people.
However, those people who are comfortable with their place in society and their gifts etc are able to see me as I am. By being as I am, I challenge people on their perceptions about what is important within our society. i used to do it with the areas of attractiveness and sexuality too, but I began to find that all too much and I think this is a large reason I let myself get fat.
And this all fits because my Initiator is in the East which is our face role, our basic personality and how we are basically perceived. As I get more comfortable with who I am and the place I have choosen, so I find my Initiator to deal with. I do manipulate it sometimes though - I have learnt that making my Boss feel stupid too often is not a good idea for peace and harmony!
In the South is my Nomad. This role is the archetype of the traveler who brings news and knowledge to isolated communities. The person who connects events and brings stories. The spider on the web drawing the corect threads together.
I collect understanding. My worldview is constantly evolving. I liken it to a jigsaw. I find a piece here and a piece there that feels right and I slot them in and my understanding grows. Sometimes I find a whole bunch of pieces that I know are pieces but I just don't have the rest of the pieces to connect them to myself. Then I store them and wait.
My mind is always traveling and searching for pieces. I get bored when I am not learning and thinking. My life can be outwardly dull and look like it is in a rut but it is what is going on inside that matters for me. I travel within myself and this fits too because the South is all about our tools, the things we use for living.
Then in the East we have the Peacekeeper. This role is about developing peace and harmony and understanding as the name suggests. The thing is we often need a difficult question, an unfortunate situation to spark us into moving towards more peace. Think of the military Peacekeepers in the world. Conflict is ironically the outcome of much that Peacekeppers do, but the goal is always to move towards greater peace and harmony.
As Lisa says "The Peace Keeper is unfortunately more often about conflict than about peace. This role is about identifying an issue; bringing it to the surface; and finding a way to resolve it. A Peace Keeper is a good strategist."
So again this can be an aggressive role and an incomfortable one. One that does not sit easily with me because of that connection. The reality is though that I have often thought of myself as a Peacekeeper. In my family, my Dad and my Sister could be difficult and they often required delicate handling and a little manipulation to maintain peace and unruffled feathers. My Mother utilised me in this role as much as she did herself as I was growing up.
It was all about avoiding pointless conflict and often required suppressing emotions and desires rather than upsetting the status quo. And this is at the heart of my problem with this role. My family taught me that Peacekeeping was all about sacrificing yourself, about being a yes person and not a no person, about not getting angry. I think my family mis-used my Peacekeeper, particularly my Mother in many ways, although everything worked out fine, well at least for them it did. I find it hard to live too close to my family, I get a bit swamped in that role again, or at least I used too, not such an issue now!
My role at work is another case in point, again with my Boss. I do manipulate her. I keep my Initiator under control for the harmony and peaceful living of everyone else in the group. When my Boss needs someone to beat on, I accept that role too. Not to say I don't manipulate that too. Last time she threw a wobbly at me I chose to react by crying at her and making the point firmly that she had a right to voice her emotions but when she treats people badly they then have a right to voice their upset too. She could not argue with that or my tears. It was a manipulative choice of come back on my part. Consequently the peace at work has lasted three months so far. I hope it lasts a lot longer.... It's kind of nice!
The West is all about how we learn and share with others. I think the way I question and feed my Nomad comes from the Peacekeeper. I think the way I interact with others and my desire for peace and harmony with others comes from this too....
*****
In the North we have the Firekeeper which again is one I had trouble relating to myself. The Firekeeper is all about energy, passion, working towards our dreams, getting things done in the now, ideas. Lisa says "the Fire Keeper is about being FULL with need, desire, fantasy, intention etc… Basically it’s about whatever fuels us on a daily basis whether it be physical (food); emotional (fear, laughter etc…); mental (knowledge etc…) or spiritual." I don't feel full of energy much of the time and passion often makes me uncomfortable, mostly because for so much of my life I think I have disowned my own.
In a group the Firekeeper may be the one who has the ideas but doesn't put in the hard work, who gets things started. This became pretty obvious to me this last month or so as we have been organising a Hen Party for a friend. I have done very little, I have not felt passionate about this process at all so I have had trouble getting motivated to do anything. (The hen has been too involved with the process, to keen to give her 'friends' what they want and less about what she really wants. The party will be good but ironically it isn't what we wanted to give her, what she wants and probably not what the people who really matter wanted to do either). I have however been full of ideas, the things which we have hung aspects of the party on in an attempt to make it more. But I have not been the one who has worked on these ideas....
With my wedding I was full of passion and I slaved to fulfill my vision. I can see this about myself, and how when I am working at my best and being truly myself and following my soul my Firekeeper is burning bright. I have ideas and vision and inspiration and truly I have passion too and I sometimes have energy.... just not so much physical energy.
The North represents our vocation or destiny.
The final Wind is the one which sits in the centre and tells me who I am. Part of me is very curious to see which way the wind blows next New Moon and whether this will shed some light on this Wind for me. It will either be Warrior, Healer, Dreamer or Visionary in my centre. There are not too many roles left!
As always I have drawn very deeply on the knowledge of Lisa and MaryRose....
I can't say as I much liked that. I am not sure I particularly wanted any of these Winds, apart from Nomad. Initiator and Peacekeeper so often seem to be about conflict and Firekeeper is all about passion which often makes me uncomfortable. Nomad is all about connections and stories and learning and questing and that is something I love.
So I have been looking at Moons this year so far and this has made me more aware of the passing of the Winds as well. They don't go in any set order, the Wind blows as it will. On our Facebook we often discuss what the Wind feels like and then Lisa will confirm which Wind it is. Then we get to watch as it unfolds New Moon to New Moon. This year we started with Initiator, then moved in to Nomad, then it was off to Peacekeeper and now we have moved into Firekeeper. This synchronicity struck me quite hard and was an added confirmation and I think it gives me the order of these four roles on my Wheel, East clockwise round.
*****
So first we have Initiator, which I believe sits in the East of my Wheel. The Initiator is the role which sparks people in to dealing with things, difficult things. This is a role which often gets peoples backs up because it pushes aus to grow, if necessary by shoving us out of our comfort zone. Initiators spot something that is not right and they go and get it sorted out. MaryRose is a strong initiator and often talks about this role on her blog and the difficulties it brings.
I am not comfortable with being out there so very much. I like to be confident of a group and my place in it before I let go. I don't much like confrontation or sticking my neck out, I often like to let things be as they are. So the thought of Initiator is not one I like much. Truth is though, I am not shy and when I want to do something I will go get it done, even if it needs confrontation. So I can accept that sometimes I call on Initiator energies to do what needs to be done.
But another side of Initiator is that sometimes we don't need to do things to spark people, sometimes just being ourselves gets people going. Judgement and persecution, as MaryRose says, can be an issue. And this is where Initiator gets me hooked in, because this is what I do so often. I am a mass of contradictions and people tend to see whichever of these makes them feel most uncomfortable and judge me, because of how they feel about such things in themself.
I come from a priviledged background, my Dad was a successful businessman and put us through private school but yet here I am, with poor cash flow but some good assets down at the bottom of the heap despite the advantages given me. I am very clever and well educated and I have some very good qualifications but yet I work in a Warehouse and am one of the most poorly paid people at the company I work for.
People have a problem with posh, moneyed folk and they see that in me. People have a problem with poor folk and see them as inferior, then they see that in me. People have a problem with clever people, maybe because they make them feel stupid, then they see that in me. People who feel superior and clever see me as being at the bottom of the heap. Just by being, I challenge people.
However, those people who are comfortable with their place in society and their gifts etc are able to see me as I am. By being as I am, I challenge people on their perceptions about what is important within our society. i used to do it with the areas of attractiveness and sexuality too, but I began to find that all too much and I think this is a large reason I let myself get fat.
And this all fits because my Initiator is in the East which is our face role, our basic personality and how we are basically perceived. As I get more comfortable with who I am and the place I have choosen, so I find my Initiator to deal with. I do manipulate it sometimes though - I have learnt that making my Boss feel stupid too often is not a good idea for peace and harmony!
*****
In the South is my Nomad. This role is the archetype of the traveler who brings news and knowledge to isolated communities. The person who connects events and brings stories. The spider on the web drawing the corect threads together.
I collect understanding. My worldview is constantly evolving. I liken it to a jigsaw. I find a piece here and a piece there that feels right and I slot them in and my understanding grows. Sometimes I find a whole bunch of pieces that I know are pieces but I just don't have the rest of the pieces to connect them to myself. Then I store them and wait.
My mind is always traveling and searching for pieces. I get bored when I am not learning and thinking. My life can be outwardly dull and look like it is in a rut but it is what is going on inside that matters for me. I travel within myself and this fits too because the South is all about our tools, the things we use for living.
*****
Then in the East we have the Peacekeeper. This role is about developing peace and harmony and understanding as the name suggests. The thing is we often need a difficult question, an unfortunate situation to spark us into moving towards more peace. Think of the military Peacekeepers in the world. Conflict is ironically the outcome of much that Peacekeppers do, but the goal is always to move towards greater peace and harmony.
As Lisa says "The Peace Keeper is unfortunately more often about conflict than about peace. This role is about identifying an issue; bringing it to the surface; and finding a way to resolve it. A Peace Keeper is a good strategist."
So again this can be an aggressive role and an incomfortable one. One that does not sit easily with me because of that connection. The reality is though that I have often thought of myself as a Peacekeeper. In my family, my Dad and my Sister could be difficult and they often required delicate handling and a little manipulation to maintain peace and unruffled feathers. My Mother utilised me in this role as much as she did herself as I was growing up.
It was all about avoiding pointless conflict and often required suppressing emotions and desires rather than upsetting the status quo. And this is at the heart of my problem with this role. My family taught me that Peacekeeping was all about sacrificing yourself, about being a yes person and not a no person, about not getting angry. I think my family mis-used my Peacekeeper, particularly my Mother in many ways, although everything worked out fine, well at least for them it did. I find it hard to live too close to my family, I get a bit swamped in that role again, or at least I used too, not such an issue now!
My role at work is another case in point, again with my Boss. I do manipulate her. I keep my Initiator under control for the harmony and peaceful living of everyone else in the group. When my Boss needs someone to beat on, I accept that role too. Not to say I don't manipulate that too. Last time she threw a wobbly at me I chose to react by crying at her and making the point firmly that she had a right to voice her emotions but when she treats people badly they then have a right to voice their upset too. She could not argue with that or my tears. It was a manipulative choice of come back on my part. Consequently the peace at work has lasted three months so far. I hope it lasts a lot longer.... It's kind of nice!
The West is all about how we learn and share with others. I think the way I question and feed my Nomad comes from the Peacekeeper. I think the way I interact with others and my desire for peace and harmony with others comes from this too....
*****
In the North we have the Firekeeper which again is one I had trouble relating to myself. The Firekeeper is all about energy, passion, working towards our dreams, getting things done in the now, ideas. Lisa says "the Fire Keeper is about being FULL with need, desire, fantasy, intention etc… Basically it’s about whatever fuels us on a daily basis whether it be physical (food); emotional (fear, laughter etc…); mental (knowledge etc…) or spiritual." I don't feel full of energy much of the time and passion often makes me uncomfortable, mostly because for so much of my life I think I have disowned my own.
In a group the Firekeeper may be the one who has the ideas but doesn't put in the hard work, who gets things started. This became pretty obvious to me this last month or so as we have been organising a Hen Party for a friend. I have done very little, I have not felt passionate about this process at all so I have had trouble getting motivated to do anything. (The hen has been too involved with the process, to keen to give her 'friends' what they want and less about what she really wants. The party will be good but ironically it isn't what we wanted to give her, what she wants and probably not what the people who really matter wanted to do either). I have however been full of ideas, the things which we have hung aspects of the party on in an attempt to make it more. But I have not been the one who has worked on these ideas....
With my wedding I was full of passion and I slaved to fulfill my vision. I can see this about myself, and how when I am working at my best and being truly myself and following my soul my Firekeeper is burning bright. I have ideas and vision and inspiration and truly I have passion too and I sometimes have energy.... just not so much physical energy.
The North represents our vocation or destiny.
*****
The final Wind is the one which sits in the centre and tells me who I am. Part of me is very curious to see which way the wind blows next New Moon and whether this will shed some light on this Wind for me. It will either be Warrior, Healer, Dreamer or Visionary in my centre. There are not too many roles left!
As always I have drawn very deeply on the knowledge of Lisa and MaryRose....
Friday, 30 March 2012
G is for Gang
OK - so I am stretching this to talk about some things I want to talk about.... Basically my Gang. This may not seem overly pagan but my connection to the world around me is a really important part of my spirituality...
I am early to work this morning and I had decided to take a few minutes to sit in my car and listen and watch and enjoy the world around me before I went in. There was no one else around because I was early and it was a lovely moment.
As I pulled into the car park, I saw my three Crows flying across it. As I pulled up I caused the Jackdaws to leave in a flurry of nerves. I could see one of my magpies in a tree, watching, and some other Magpies were in some trees in the area where they often have communal meetings. A Seagull called as it glided across the sky. As I sat there, a Rabbit ran on to the grass bank alongside the car park and then it sat there for a while before it ran off again, white tail flashing.
Such moments leave me feeling very happy, very grounded and so connected to the wonderful world around me. These animals are to me, family. They represent aspets of myself. They are some of the totems I have identified so far and that they choose to show themselves to me makes me feel so good.
In my path Each position of the my Medicine Wheel can have a totem associated with and there are 36 stones. So I have a big family, I just have not met all of them yet. Some I have met but I am not quite sure where they go.
Jackdaw is my totem for the Moon of Affirmation. Rabbit is my totem for the Moon of Drama. Seagull, Magpie and Crow are more central I believe and I think Magpie is the totem for my centre.
During my lunch break I scatter seed on the grassy bank by my car and watch my family come to visit. I started by feeding the Magpies, then the Crows worked it and came to join in. Except Crows are definately the boss and they take charge. The area where I put the seed out is theirs. There are three of them, a dominant male, who struts around and puffs up his neck feathers, a bird I believe to be a mate and then a third much more junior bird who is the most likely one to be by themself. The Crows spread themselves over the whole area I throw seed and try to dominate as much of it as possible. If other birds are already feeding, they will fly in and swoop at them and all the birds seem to be nervous of Crows on the wing - even the Seagulls.
The two Magpie's are nicknamed Mr and Mrs. Mr is fluffier and bigger and bolder. Mrs has longer legs and a sleeker body and she runs. She sounds as if she is bossy and scolding him, the nervous one sitting on the sidelines making sure he does what is needed. The Crows tolerate the Magpies most of all but even so, the Magpies are wary. Sometimes they fly off to defend their territory or to join in with a meeting nearby. They also take food away to bury it.
The Seagulls are so very elegant and powerful on the wing, but on the ground they are clumsy. I used to put out bread and then the gulls would take it on the wing without landing. I was in danger of being mobbed and other birds would not get a look in. Now I use seed the gulls are at a disadvantage as they have to land and gather it. They are at risk from the Crows and the Crows seem much more likely to actually attack gulls rather than just see them off. Even so, there are two seagulls that come sometimes.
The Jackdaws have only recently become part of my family to my knowledge and only recently figured out about the food. They are the least dominant of the birds and the smallest. I see them at odd times of the day looking for the smallest seeds which the other birds have missed. i think they still do pretty well. They are pretty nervy and fly away if I make the slightest movement, my presence still makes them a little unhappy.
Jackdaws, unlike the others, hang around in flocks and roost communally. There is a group of about seven who hang around where I work. Sometimes they use their numbers to get seed because Crows can only chase birds in one direction at a time. They make me smile with their mannerisms - they jump in the air and flap their wings at each other and they call all the time.
I also think rabbits come to feed too as I have noticed that there are more droppings aorund my car sometimes. They never come when I am there though and I wonder if they come when the birds are absent too.
It is still too early to see Wasps although I have seen a couple of Bees. Wasps are the totem for my Moon of Welcome and I am endeavouring to learn to love them. I have respect for them and what they bring to me.
How can time spent watching my Gang fail to cheer me up? A drive where I see a bird of mine fly over gives me a special moment. Opening the back door and hearing a Crow call gives me a secret smile inside.
I am early to work this morning and I had decided to take a few minutes to sit in my car and listen and watch and enjoy the world around me before I went in. There was no one else around because I was early and it was a lovely moment.
As I pulled into the car park, I saw my three Crows flying across it. As I pulled up I caused the Jackdaws to leave in a flurry of nerves. I could see one of my magpies in a tree, watching, and some other Magpies were in some trees in the area where they often have communal meetings. A Seagull called as it glided across the sky. As I sat there, a Rabbit ran on to the grass bank alongside the car park and then it sat there for a while before it ran off again, white tail flashing.
Such moments leave me feeling very happy, very grounded and so connected to the wonderful world around me. These animals are to me, family. They represent aspets of myself. They are some of the totems I have identified so far and that they choose to show themselves to me makes me feel so good.
In my path Each position of the my Medicine Wheel can have a totem associated with and there are 36 stones. So I have a big family, I just have not met all of them yet. Some I have met but I am not quite sure where they go.
Jackdaw is my totem for the Moon of Affirmation. Rabbit is my totem for the Moon of Drama. Seagull, Magpie and Crow are more central I believe and I think Magpie is the totem for my centre.
During my lunch break I scatter seed on the grassy bank by my car and watch my family come to visit. I started by feeding the Magpies, then the Crows worked it and came to join in. Except Crows are definately the boss and they take charge. The area where I put the seed out is theirs. There are three of them, a dominant male, who struts around and puffs up his neck feathers, a bird I believe to be a mate and then a third much more junior bird who is the most likely one to be by themself. The Crows spread themselves over the whole area I throw seed and try to dominate as much of it as possible. If other birds are already feeding, they will fly in and swoop at them and all the birds seem to be nervous of Crows on the wing - even the Seagulls.
The two Magpie's are nicknamed Mr and Mrs. Mr is fluffier and bigger and bolder. Mrs has longer legs and a sleeker body and she runs. She sounds as if she is bossy and scolding him, the nervous one sitting on the sidelines making sure he does what is needed. The Crows tolerate the Magpies most of all but even so, the Magpies are wary. Sometimes they fly off to defend their territory or to join in with a meeting nearby. They also take food away to bury it.
The Seagulls are so very elegant and powerful on the wing, but on the ground they are clumsy. I used to put out bread and then the gulls would take it on the wing without landing. I was in danger of being mobbed and other birds would not get a look in. Now I use seed the gulls are at a disadvantage as they have to land and gather it. They are at risk from the Crows and the Crows seem much more likely to actually attack gulls rather than just see them off. Even so, there are two seagulls that come sometimes.
The Jackdaws have only recently become part of my family to my knowledge and only recently figured out about the food. They are the least dominant of the birds and the smallest. I see them at odd times of the day looking for the smallest seeds which the other birds have missed. i think they still do pretty well. They are pretty nervy and fly away if I make the slightest movement, my presence still makes them a little unhappy.
Jackdaws, unlike the others, hang around in flocks and roost communally. There is a group of about seven who hang around where I work. Sometimes they use their numbers to get seed because Crows can only chase birds in one direction at a time. They make me smile with their mannerisms - they jump in the air and flap their wings at each other and they call all the time.
I also think rabbits come to feed too as I have noticed that there are more droppings aorund my car sometimes. They never come when I am there though and I wonder if they come when the birds are absent too.
It is still too early to see Wasps although I have seen a couple of Bees. Wasps are the totem for my Moon of Welcome and I am endeavouring to learn to love them. I have respect for them and what they bring to me.
How can time spent watching my Gang fail to cheer me up? A drive where I see a bird of mine fly over gives me a special moment. Opening the back door and hearing a Crow call gives me a secret smile inside.
Sunday, 25 March 2012
F is for Falconry
F has told me what he wants for his next birthday. He wants to go and do a half day session on Falconry at a local sanctuary. Now this sounds like a fairly normal and cool thing to do for your birthday. Certainly something I can talk about with the guys at work. I may talk with them about ghosts and dreams but I do not talk with them about drumming, what dreaming means to me and my spirituality in general.
The thing is though, it is the intent behind something that makes it spiritual, that makes it something deeper and meaningful. Washing Up can be an exercise in grounding, or a meditation to take you far away, or a prayer of service and giving back to your family. We can not see the spiritual dimensions to why people do the things they do, we just see what they do. I like this. I like that the whole of life can be one big spiritual event, deeping our connectedness to all that is.
So F is still very new to all this. He has not been finding the visualization aspects of drum journeys easy. He has not found it easy to connect to helpers or totems. He had a sense of a cat once, a big one and one time when we were gathering our totems I saw a cat sat at his feet, a wolf sat by his side and a falcon type bird sat on his shoulder. I didn't see them well. It was a misty glimpse, but they were there.
The Cat we were expecting and Wolf was not much of a surprise as we are a very doggy couple. The Falcon just bore out what I had been saying on the way to the session. As I drive around I see Crows and Magpies, Jackdaws and Seagulls. I see them everywhere, all the time. I never see Hawks of any sort unless F is with me and on the way to that Drumming Session I saw three. F has started to see a lot more of them too as he has begun paying attention, he even saw one coming out of a hedge with a rabbit.
So for him, this birthday trip is not only interesting, cool and fun, it is spiritual. He wants to do this, over anything else, because he wants to connect with his totem and wants to spend time with it. He is doing them honour.
It is important to connect with our totems. if we don't we can lose them. They offer us so much understanding of ourselves, both our strengths and weaknesses. They become like family and as I drive around, seeing them flying past, it makes me feel good. A simple drive to work is a special thing now. And as for my bird feeding at lunch at work....
So here's to Falconry and connecting.
The thing is though, it is the intent behind something that makes it spiritual, that makes it something deeper and meaningful. Washing Up can be an exercise in grounding, or a meditation to take you far away, or a prayer of service and giving back to your family. We can not see the spiritual dimensions to why people do the things they do, we just see what they do. I like this. I like that the whole of life can be one big spiritual event, deeping our connectedness to all that is.
So F is still very new to all this. He has not been finding the visualization aspects of drum journeys easy. He has not found it easy to connect to helpers or totems. He had a sense of a cat once, a big one and one time when we were gathering our totems I saw a cat sat at his feet, a wolf sat by his side and a falcon type bird sat on his shoulder. I didn't see them well. It was a misty glimpse, but they were there.
The Cat we were expecting and Wolf was not much of a surprise as we are a very doggy couple. The Falcon just bore out what I had been saying on the way to the session. As I drive around I see Crows and Magpies, Jackdaws and Seagulls. I see them everywhere, all the time. I never see Hawks of any sort unless F is with me and on the way to that Drumming Session I saw three. F has started to see a lot more of them too as he has begun paying attention, he even saw one coming out of a hedge with a rabbit.
So for him, this birthday trip is not only interesting, cool and fun, it is spiritual. He wants to do this, over anything else, because he wants to connect with his totem and wants to spend time with it. He is doing them honour.
It is important to connect with our totems. if we don't we can lose them. They offer us so much understanding of ourselves, both our strengths and weaknesses. They become like family and as I drive around, seeing them flying past, it makes me feel good. A simple drive to work is a special thing now. And as for my bird feeding at lunch at work....
So here's to Falconry and connecting.
Saturday, 24 March 2012
Inbetween Places
I love those places that sit in neither one world or the other. The edges where things meet. The Sea Shore, Bogs, Marshes, those high plateau mountains in Venezuela - Tepuis I think. I really, really love bogs and marshes though and there are such a wide variation in them, subtleties of distinction but distinct none the less....
bog (bôg, b
g)
bog (bôg, b
g)n.
2. An area of soft, naturally waterlogged ground.
So although bog is a word that is used to describe any soft waterlogged ground, if you are being specific, it is an area typified by peat - but then we also call them peat bogs too....
As for a marsh, well...
marsh (märsh)
So although bog is a word that is used to describe any soft waterlogged ground, if you are being specific, it is an area typified by peat - but then we also call them peat bogs too....
As for a marsh, well...
marsh (märsh)
n.
An area of soft, wet, low-lying land, characterized by grassy vegetation and often forming a transition zone between water and land.
So marshes are bogs that have grass, peat bogs are bogs that have peat. But in a marsh, not all of the ground will be soft - so it will not all be boggy and in a peat bog there may well be som grassy areas that are marshy.... *laugh*
So a salt marsh....
salt marsh
Bog - generally peat, upland, acidic, with a characteristic brown water. Poorly draining.
Marsh - grassy, lowland, not acidic. generally moving water (although it may move through slowly)
Salt Marsh - Marsh flooded by sea.
Swamp - Floods in wet season and has more trees
Fen - Any of the above.... but often has had the influence of man. Also an area of the UK in East Anglia that was considerably drained
So fen, bog, marsh and swamp can all be used to describe the same land but you can not describe all such places as salt marsh or peat bog or mangrove swamp.
I love the way words have a direct and obvious meaning but they also have connotations... Like swamp sounds much more dangerous, and bog is somewhere you could get stuck....
no idea if I have helped Mel or completely confused you *grin*
So marshes are bogs that have grass, peat bogs are bogs that have peat. But in a marsh, not all of the ground will be soft - so it will not all be boggy and in a peat bog there may well be som grassy areas that are marshy.... *laugh*
So a salt marsh....
salt marsh
n.
I suspect this is all about as clear as mud! Low coastal grassland frequently overflowed by the tide.
Is a marsh that has high levels of salt because it is so low lying. This results in a different look. Some areas of a salt marsh would be boggy as well I guess but there would definately be no peat.
Willow Carr is one of my favourites of these types of habitat - willow trees grow out of pools of water and little islands of mud sometimes covered in lush grass.
Oh and I missed out fen
fen (f
n)
Is a marsh that has high levels of salt because it is so low lying. This results in a different look. Some areas of a salt marsh would be boggy as well I guess but there would definately be no peat.
Willow Carr is one of my favourites of these types of habitat - willow trees grow out of pools of water and little islands of mud sometimes covered in lush grass.
Oh and I missed out fen
fen (f
n)Bog - generally peat, upland, acidic, with a characteristic brown water. Poorly draining.
Marsh - grassy, lowland, not acidic. generally moving water (although it may move through slowly)
Salt Marsh - Marsh flooded by sea.
Swamp - Floods in wet season and has more trees
Fen - Any of the above.... but often has had the influence of man. Also an area of the UK in East Anglia that was considerably drained
So fen, bog, marsh and swamp can all be used to describe the same land but you can not describe all such places as salt marsh or peat bog or mangrove swamp.
I love the way words have a direct and obvious meaning but they also have connotations... Like swamp sounds much more dangerous, and bog is somewhere you could get stuck....
no idea if I have helped Mel or completely confused you *grin*
Wednesday, 21 March 2012
Value and Community
In the group I belong on Facebook that explores the Medicine Wheel and Indigenous Dreaming there has been a recent question of what we value. This is all to do with the Moon of Drama because this is the moon in which we mimic what we value and it tells us much about who we wish to be.
So instantly, the question was a hard one for me because so much of how we place value and worth on ourselves is about society at large and what society values. This can be very different from what we as individuals value. My feelings about society and my place within it are that gven my ability, academic and otherwise, I should have left Cornwall long ago, gotten myself a really highly paid, and highly stressed, job and be raking in the money. And I should have a big house I am never home to enjoy, a whole parcel of kids that I never have time to be with and a highly successful husband who also earns a lot of money but whom I never ever see, except by diary appointment....
OK, maybe a little extreme, but this is how we tend to see ourselves within society when we are having trouble with it. Those little negative voices never ever play fair, they always scale things up. And why would I wish to do any of those things? well I don't. I value my life and I like my life, no matter what society at large might think of it, if it could spare the time to consider it.
I love Cornwall and increasingly I feel connected to the land and history here. I miss the place I grew up in and my family home but those voices called me here and then I married a Cornishman. This is where I belong now. F is my family and I adore him and we have so much fun together. He may not have a high powered job but he has a good job, a job with heart and soul, when he wears his uniform people react so very positively, the value of his job is greater than money. And my house, well... that needs to change at some point! but it is my home and I do love it....
Ted pointed out to me the following.....
'that is why I think shamanism is so different. Whether we call it journeying, vision quest or whatever the indigenous term, there is an emphasis in finding who you are. Your totems, dreams, birth position and place on the wheels equate to who you are and who you are on relationship. Especially in community.
Fortunately it is not a thing that will happen in the future but something you are doing now.
There is always that paradox of what we do to please others or our selves. Shamanism sees your uniqueness as the same as your service. Most religions don't. They try to create uniformity and humility, dependence and even shame.'
In my response I happened to mention Wasp -as in I do feel more conencted to the world around me through my totems - I am even going to try not to kill any Wasps this year.... Wasp is my totem for the first moon, the Moon of Welcoming. I recently realised this via a dream which made me realise that Wasp has had a habit of stinging me at certain important times in my life. As a result of mentioning Wasp, Ted went on to tell me some things about Wasp that I had not found out....
'So wasp is a good totem for you based on what you wrote. I think that part of shamanism is deriving 'medicine' of an animal and much is just learning their behavior.
Wasp is loyal to her community. Unlike ants, bees or termites who blindly follow a queen, wasps are loyal to their piece of the community and protect the community that is weaker. They are organized in small groups and communicate mostly with those who share their smell marker. Meaning that you are more looking for your found or chosen family than seeing yourself by your blood or job.
Wasp is the keeper of ancient knowledge. Long before man, wasps were making paper, mortar,mud bricks and more. This means that your creativity must be useful as well as satisfy a need to feel the ancient earth.
Wasps can sting after they are dead. Part of that loyalty is a connection that transcends this life. A wasp will sacrifice it's life for the colony. At the same time, the colony will give all of it's resources to soldiers in war, mothers in peace and queens when the swarm has to split, move and individuals take on new roles. This is a lesson about values and addresses our conversation. The idea that value and importance can change is unknown in the insect world. Wasps are so adept and complex at this that supply chain experts and logistics experts study their behavior to teach and learn value, supply hierarchies, optimization and value based communication.
In short, we have become more and more like ants and bees when we need to be more like wasp.
Like my totem, the hornet, wasp also teaches that poison and medicine are one. I have been attacked by ground hornet swarms and bald faced swarms and though it hurts, the benefit is to be free from arthritis pain and inflammation for several months after.
Much like A M was saying about witches and pagans, there is a sense that wasps seem more advanced but are actually practicing something more ancient, Matriarchal and intuitive that bees, termites, ants etc. As a 'reclaimer' witch for many years, I subscribe to my teacher and dear friend StarHawk's definition of witchcraft/paganism as a shamanic path that seeks to remember yesterday to use today to save tomorrow. That kind of thinking is very wasplike and an excellent place to find out where you fit. Not in the big 'society'. That would be maddening. But in the society of your intuitively chosen family. Let others be slavelike ants. You are a wasp. A great thing.'
And all of a sudden it all starts to make more sense.... I do have a little family like community around me. I have my friends from college and their husbands. I have my work colleagues. I have my own family. I have my e-community. Small groups, carefully choosen. I have walked away from larger society, the society that thrives up country. Cornwall has a different model, much more community based - through your friends and family you link to everyone else...
I also have that flexibility of role and desire for efficiencey. I often get cross with F when we are trying to do a lot of things quickly because he is inefficient - he just can not see the routes between things that make for the least expenditure of energy and time, his process is much more linear. My morning routine for instance is a work of art - not to say it isn't flexible, it is as long as it isn't interupted towards the end! I do things in the optimal order, to keep the dog happy and have things ready when and where I need them. And towards the end I have my computer time with breakfast and any delays before then just get swallowed by my computer time - sometimes I get half an hour sometimes five minutes...
As for role - I am very flexible in what I do. I always loved temping and I had a knack for begining a new job and slotting myself into the tasks within the team very quickly. I have done so many different jobs and here are just a few - Research Assistant, Event Organiser, Receptionist, Canvasser, Admin Assistant, Date Entry, Warehouseman, Cleaner, Waitress and Student. And I would like to think I learnt to do all of those jobs well.
Understanding Wasp helps me see how I have value within my community, how my flexibility and flitting from job to job is not a weakness, not a lack of knowing who I am, but it is a strength and it is who I am. That I have value outside of myself, my marriage, my friendships
So instantly, the question was a hard one for me because so much of how we place value and worth on ourselves is about society at large and what society values. This can be very different from what we as individuals value. My feelings about society and my place within it are that gven my ability, academic and otherwise, I should have left Cornwall long ago, gotten myself a really highly paid, and highly stressed, job and be raking in the money. And I should have a big house I am never home to enjoy, a whole parcel of kids that I never have time to be with and a highly successful husband who also earns a lot of money but whom I never ever see, except by diary appointment....
OK, maybe a little extreme, but this is how we tend to see ourselves within society when we are having trouble with it. Those little negative voices never ever play fair, they always scale things up. And why would I wish to do any of those things? well I don't. I value my life and I like my life, no matter what society at large might think of it, if it could spare the time to consider it.
I love Cornwall and increasingly I feel connected to the land and history here. I miss the place I grew up in and my family home but those voices called me here and then I married a Cornishman. This is where I belong now. F is my family and I adore him and we have so much fun together. He may not have a high powered job but he has a good job, a job with heart and soul, when he wears his uniform people react so very positively, the value of his job is greater than money. And my house, well... that needs to change at some point! but it is my home and I do love it....
Ted pointed out to me the following.....
'that is why I think shamanism is so different. Whether we call it journeying, vision quest or whatever the indigenous term, there is an emphasis in finding who you are. Your totems, dreams, birth position and place on the wheels equate to who you are and who you are on relationship. Especially in community.
Fortunately it is not a thing that will happen in the future but something you are doing now.
There is always that paradox of what we do to please others or our selves. Shamanism sees your uniqueness as the same as your service. Most religions don't. They try to create uniformity and humility, dependence and even shame.'
In my response I happened to mention Wasp -as in I do feel more conencted to the world around me through my totems - I am even going to try not to kill any Wasps this year.... Wasp is my totem for the first moon, the Moon of Welcoming. I recently realised this via a dream which made me realise that Wasp has had a habit of stinging me at certain important times in my life. As a result of mentioning Wasp, Ted went on to tell me some things about Wasp that I had not found out....
'So wasp is a good totem for you based on what you wrote. I think that part of shamanism is deriving 'medicine' of an animal and much is just learning their behavior.
Wasp is loyal to her community. Unlike ants, bees or termites who blindly follow a queen, wasps are loyal to their piece of the community and protect the community that is weaker. They are organized in small groups and communicate mostly with those who share their smell marker. Meaning that you are more looking for your found or chosen family than seeing yourself by your blood or job.
Wasp is the keeper of ancient knowledge. Long before man, wasps were making paper, mortar,mud bricks and more. This means that your creativity must be useful as well as satisfy a need to feel the ancient earth.
Wasps can sting after they are dead. Part of that loyalty is a connection that transcends this life. A wasp will sacrifice it's life for the colony. At the same time, the colony will give all of it's resources to soldiers in war, mothers in peace and queens when the swarm has to split, move and individuals take on new roles. This is a lesson about values and addresses our conversation. The idea that value and importance can change is unknown in the insect world. Wasps are so adept and complex at this that supply chain experts and logistics experts study their behavior to teach and learn value, supply hierarchies, optimization and value based communication.
In short, we have become more and more like ants and bees when we need to be more like wasp.
Like my totem, the hornet, wasp also teaches that poison and medicine are one. I have been attacked by ground hornet swarms and bald faced swarms and though it hurts, the benefit is to be free from arthritis pain and inflammation for several months after.
Much like A M was saying about witches and pagans, there is a sense that wasps seem more advanced but are actually practicing something more ancient, Matriarchal and intuitive that bees, termites, ants etc. As a 'reclaimer' witch for many years, I subscribe to my teacher and dear friend StarHawk's definition of witchcraft/paganism as a shamanic path that seeks to remember yesterday to use today to save tomorrow. That kind of thinking is very wasplike and an excellent place to find out where you fit. Not in the big 'society'. That would be maddening. But in the society of your intuitively chosen family. Let others be slavelike ants. You are a wasp. A great thing.'
And all of a sudden it all starts to make more sense.... I do have a little family like community around me. I have my friends from college and their husbands. I have my work colleagues. I have my own family. I have my e-community. Small groups, carefully choosen. I have walked away from larger society, the society that thrives up country. Cornwall has a different model, much more community based - through your friends and family you link to everyone else...
I also have that flexibility of role and desire for efficiencey. I often get cross with F when we are trying to do a lot of things quickly because he is inefficient - he just can not see the routes between things that make for the least expenditure of energy and time, his process is much more linear. My morning routine for instance is a work of art - not to say it isn't flexible, it is as long as it isn't interupted towards the end! I do things in the optimal order, to keep the dog happy and have things ready when and where I need them. And towards the end I have my computer time with breakfast and any delays before then just get swallowed by my computer time - sometimes I get half an hour sometimes five minutes...
As for role - I am very flexible in what I do. I always loved temping and I had a knack for begining a new job and slotting myself into the tasks within the team very quickly. I have done so many different jobs and here are just a few - Research Assistant, Event Organiser, Receptionist, Canvasser, Admin Assistant, Date Entry, Warehouseman, Cleaner, Waitress and Student. And I would like to think I learnt to do all of those jobs well.
Understanding Wasp helps me see how I have value within my community, how my flexibility and flitting from job to job is not a weakness, not a lack of knowing who I am, but it is a strength and it is who I am. That I have value outside of myself, my marriage, my friendships
Saturday, 17 March 2012
F is for Fear
When I first got my Medicine Cards I pulled out my totems as per the book. The one that caused me an eek moment was Rabbit... Rabbit is the fear-caller. Rabbit fears everything and all the things it fears happen to it. It gets knocked down by cars, trapped, poisoned, eaten by snakes, eaten by hawks, eaten by foxes, eaten, well by everything really.... Rabbits saving grace is it's fertility!
But fear - who wants to have the ability to manifest all the things they are scared of? Not a happy thing. But one you can learn a lot from! if you choose to. Luckily, I am not a particuarly fearful.... But I look around me and I have begun to realise that an awful lot of people are...
OK, so I have lived in fear - over a decade ago I suffered from agoraphobia. bad things happened and made me scared of the world. Terrified in fact. But I didn't want to be like that. I read a very good book called Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. basically, the things that you fear, accept that they scare you, don't push that fear away, quietly accept the feeling - and then do it anyway. A powerful book and a powerful message....
But I see so many people living in fear, one way or another. The girl with the panic attacks, the wife whose family can not go abroad because she will not fly or go on a boat, not to mention, fellow sufferers of agoraphobia. Fear is everywhere, but that Rabbit, he just gets on out there and eats the grass, knowing that there may well be a Fox lurking in the hedge. But Rabbit provides for everyone, and most of the time, life is pretty good being a Rabbit, sitting there, eating that grass and generally being pretty cute....
Rabbit seems to be linked to this, the third Moon, the Moon of Drama. I found a piece of Rabbit fur by my car in the grass the other day. Not very often something like that happens.... And I am seeing rabbits everywhere right now. Two ran in front of our car ont he way home. I am not sure yet what having Rabbit linked to my Moon of Drama means as yet but I still have plenty of time this moon to figure it out, and if I don't then there is always next time....
But fear - who wants to have the ability to manifest all the things they are scared of? Not a happy thing. But one you can learn a lot from! if you choose to. Luckily, I am not a particuarly fearful.... But I look around me and I have begun to realise that an awful lot of people are...
OK, so I have lived in fear - over a decade ago I suffered from agoraphobia. bad things happened and made me scared of the world. Terrified in fact. But I didn't want to be like that. I read a very good book called Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. basically, the things that you fear, accept that they scare you, don't push that fear away, quietly accept the feeling - and then do it anyway. A powerful book and a powerful message....
But I see so many people living in fear, one way or another. The girl with the panic attacks, the wife whose family can not go abroad because she will not fly or go on a boat, not to mention, fellow sufferers of agoraphobia. Fear is everywhere, but that Rabbit, he just gets on out there and eats the grass, knowing that there may well be a Fox lurking in the hedge. But Rabbit provides for everyone, and most of the time, life is pretty good being a Rabbit, sitting there, eating that grass and generally being pretty cute....
Rabbit seems to be linked to this, the third Moon, the Moon of Drama. I found a piece of Rabbit fur by my car in the grass the other day. Not very often something like that happens.... And I am seeing rabbits everywhere right now. Two ran in front of our car ont he way home. I am not sure yet what having Rabbit linked to my Moon of Drama means as yet but I still have plenty of time this moon to figure it out, and if I don't then there is always next time....
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