Fear, Again

I had a job to do yesterday - I needed to go into town and get the finishing bits for a friends costume for her Hen Party. So I went into town. I don't often go. I don't overly enjoy shopping although I love buying. I find it hard to find things I want in town, they don't have the books I really want or clothes that fit me.

I like shopping with F. Mind you, I like doing pretty much anything with F. Everything is more fun with him....

F however needed his hair cut so we went our separate ways and I started trawling charity shops. The first thing that caught my eye was a pink cotton top in my size. Did I buy it. No. I couldn't really find anything to make into the costume but I went to look at the Cd's and books. As my eye flew across the rack certain things began to jump out at me. The Crow, Wings, Elegance... It was like being in a random omen generator and I started to feel a bit dizzy. Too much. I got scared.

So I went and got some cash and some food, which I ate, then I worked my way down, charity shop to charity shop with a couple of detours to bookshops. I bought Twitchiking - the story of a man who used to Twitter to raise money for charity and get to the otherside of the world. I saw it full price first and it jumped out at me when I saw it cut price...

But I couldn't find anything in the charity shops and I started to lose heart. Then I would hear a Jackdaw fly over calling to me. Believe. Believe. I did lose heart. By the end... Then I saw the little alternative shop and I had to go in.

I chatted to the lady a little and three things drew me. First that little bing went off in my head at a small pink object, when I picked it up, it was a small pink rabbit. Next Clary Sage essential oil jumped out at me so I asked what it was for.... She said depression and uplifting and bringing on childbirth. I looked it up this morning and if she had included it's properties for the skin and menstruation regulation I would have brought it.

Lastly a lovely woolen shawl drew me in. Now ideas for my costume (cowgirl) at work included wearing a poncho. The shawl had the look of a poncho and I tried it on and it was lovely. A lovely long rectangle that had been torn halfway, so that a long bit went down your back and two thin long bits down your arms and front.

I didn't buy it. I didn't buy anything. I went home. The lady told me she hopped I found what I was looking for. I think she could see my defeat and loss of energy and enthusiasm. I was not feeling good at all.

OK so I used to suffer from agoraphobia and depression so I was kinda thinking about such things when I got home. But mostly I was so tired! I joked with F that maybe I should make myself go shopping alone every weekend..

Later that evening I picked a couple of medicine cards. One was Armadillo. As I read about it, the very last line jumped out at me - about being sure depression you may feel is yours. It was all about defenses and boundaries. So maybe when I go shopping like that and I am all open because I am looking for possibilities and omens, maybe I am too open.

I think F acts as a buffer. I find other people easier when he is there. I can interact comfortably with large groups of strangers. Maybe I get included in his boundaries somehow. Maybe his love recharges and protects me.

My joke about going into town until I can do it comfortably and with ease is not such a bad one. Maybe I need to learn the hard way just like I did with my Boss. Maybe I just need to practice.

Anyway. I have decided to go back and buy the rabbit, the sage and the shawl. I may even go back and get the pink top. It took sometime to regenerate my reserves yesterday, maybe I shouldn't make myself go from one end of town to the other every time...

But you know, this makes me wonder what was really going on when I felt agoraphobic in my younger days.