The Winds That Blow Me

A while back I had a dream with a symbol in it which related to four of the winds on the Medicine Wheel. Firekeeper, Nomad, Initiator and Peacekeeper. Lisa suggested I sit with these for a while and that they related to my personal Medicine Wheel.

I can't say as I much liked that. I am not sure I particularly wanted any of these Winds, apart from Nomad. Initiator and Peacekeeper so often seem to be about conflict and Firekeeper is all about passion which often makes me uncomfortable. Nomad is all about connections and stories and learning and questing and that is something I love.

So I have been looking at Moons this year so far and this has made me more aware of the passing of the Winds as well. They don't go in any set order, the Wind blows as it will. On our Facebook we often discuss what the Wind feels like and then Lisa will confirm which Wind it is. Then we get to watch as it unfolds New Moon to New Moon. This year we started with Initiator, then moved in to Nomad, then it was off to Peacekeeper and now we have moved into Firekeeper. This synchronicity struck me quite hard and was an added confirmation and I think it gives me the order of these four roles on my Wheel, East clockwise round.

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So first we have Initiator, which I believe sits in the East of my Wheel. The Initiator is the role which sparks people in to dealing with things, difficult things. This is a role which often gets peoples backs up because it pushes aus to grow, if necessary by shoving us out of our comfort zone. Initiators spot something that is not right and they go and get it sorted out. MaryRose is a strong initiator and often talks about this role on her blog and the difficulties it brings.

I am not comfortable with being out there so very much. I like to be confident of a group and my place in it before I let go. I don't much like confrontation or sticking my neck out, I often like to let things be as they are. So the thought of Initiator is not one I like much. Truth is though, I am not shy and when I want to do something I will go get it done, even if it needs confrontation. So I can accept that sometimes I call on Initiator energies to do what needs to be done.

But another side of Initiator is that sometimes we don't need to do things to spark people, sometimes just being ourselves gets people going. Judgement and persecution, as MaryRose says, can be an issue. And this is where Initiator gets me hooked in, because this is what I do so often. I am a mass of contradictions and people tend to see whichever of these makes them feel most uncomfortable and judge me, because of how they feel about such things in themself.

I come from a priviledged background, my Dad was a successful businessman and put us through private school but yet here I am, with poor cash flow but some good assets down at the bottom of the heap despite the advantages given me. I am very clever and well educated and I have some very good qualifications but yet I work in a Warehouse and am one of the most poorly paid people at the company I work for.

People have a problem with posh, moneyed folk and they see that in me. People have a problem with poor folk and see them as inferior, then they see that in me. People have a problem with clever people, maybe because they make them feel stupid, then they see that in me. People who feel superior and clever see me as being at the bottom of the heap. Just by being, I challenge people.

However, those people who are comfortable with their place in society and their gifts etc are able to see me as I am. By being as I am, I challenge people on their perceptions about what is important within our society. i used to do it with the areas of attractiveness and sexuality too, but I began to find that all too much and I think this is a large reason I let myself get fat.

And this all fits because my Initiator is in the East which is our face role, our basic personality and how we are basically perceived. As I get more comfortable with who I am and the place I have choosen, so I find my Initiator to deal with. I do manipulate it sometimes though - I have learnt that making my Boss feel stupid too often is not a good idea for peace and harmony!

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In the South is my Nomad. This role is the archetype of the traveler who brings news and knowledge to isolated communities. The person who connects events and brings stories. The spider on the web drawing the corect threads together.

I collect understanding. My worldview is constantly evolving. I liken it to a jigsaw. I find a piece here and a piece there that feels right and I slot them in and my understanding grows. Sometimes I find a whole bunch of pieces that I know are pieces but I just don't have the rest of the pieces to connect them to myself. Then I store them and wait.

My mind is always traveling and searching for pieces. I get bored when I am not learning and thinking. My life can be outwardly dull and look like it is in a rut but it is what is going on inside that matters for me. I travel within myself and this fits too because the South is all about our tools, the things we use for living.

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Then in the East we have the Peacekeeper. This role is about developing peace and harmony and understanding as the name suggests. The thing is we often need a difficult question, an unfortunate situation to spark us into moving towards more peace. Think of the military Peacekeepers in the world. Conflict is ironically the outcome of much that Peacekeppers do, but the goal is always to move towards greater peace and harmony.

As Lisa says "The Peace Keeper is unfortunately more often about conflict than about peace. This role is about identifying an issue; bringing it to the surface; and finding a way to resolve it. A Peace Keeper is a good strategist."

So again this can be an aggressive role and an incomfortable one. One that does not sit easily with me because of that connection. The reality is though that I have often thought of myself as a Peacekeeper. In my family, my Dad and my Sister could be difficult and they often required delicate handling and a little manipulation to maintain peace and unruffled feathers. My Mother utilised me in this role as much as she did herself as I was growing up.

It was all about avoiding pointless conflict and often required suppressing emotions and desires rather than upsetting the status quo. And this is at the heart of my problem with this role. My family taught me that Peacekeeping was all about sacrificing yourself, about being a yes person and not a no person, about not getting angry. I think my family mis-used my Peacekeeper, particularly my Mother in many ways, although everything worked out fine, well at least for them it did. I find it hard to live too close to my family, I get a bit swamped in that role again, or at least I used too, not such an issue now!

My role at work is another case in point, again with my Boss. I do manipulate her. I keep my Initiator under control for the harmony and peaceful living of everyone else in the group. When my Boss needs someone to beat on, I accept that role too. Not to say I don't manipulate that too. Last time she threw a wobbly at me I chose to react by crying at her and making the point firmly that she had a right to voice her emotions but when she treats people badly they then have a right to voice their upset too. She could not argue with that or my tears. It was a manipulative choice of come back on my part. Consequently the peace at work has lasted three months so far. I hope it lasts a lot longer.... It's kind of nice!

The West is all about how we learn and share with others. I think the way I question and feed my Nomad comes from the Peacekeeper. I think the way I interact with others and my desire for peace and harmony with others comes from this too....

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In the North we have the Firekeeper which again is one I had trouble relating to myself. The Firekeeper is all about energy, passion, working towards our dreams, getting things done in the now, ideas. Lisa says "the Fire Keeper is about being FULL with need, desire, fantasy, intention etc… Basically it’s about whatever fuels us on a daily basis whether it be physical (food); emotional (fear, laughter etc…); mental (knowledge etc…) or spiritual." I don't feel full of energy much of the time and passion often makes me uncomfortable, mostly because for so much of my life I think I have disowned my own.

In a group the Firekeeper may be the one who has the ideas but doesn't put in the hard work, who gets things started. This became pretty obvious to me this last month or so as we have been organising a Hen Party for a friend. I have done very little, I have not felt passionate about this process at all so I have had trouble getting motivated to do anything. (The hen has been too involved with the process, to keen to give her 'friends' what they want and less about what she really wants. The party will be good but ironically it isn't what we wanted to give her, what she wants and probably not what the people who really matter wanted to do either). I have however been full of ideas, the things which we have hung aspects of the party on in an attempt to make it more. But I have not been the one who has worked on these ideas....

With my wedding I was full of passion and I slaved to fulfill my vision. I can see this about myself, and how when I am working at my best and being truly myself and following my soul my Firekeeper is burning bright. I have ideas and vision and inspiration and truly I have passion too and I sometimes have energy.... just not so much physical energy.

The North represents our vocation or destiny.

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The final Wind is the one which sits in the centre and tells me who I am. Part of me is very curious to see which way the wind blows next New Moon and whether this will shed some light on this Wind for me. It will either be Warrior, Healer, Dreamer or Visionary in my centre. There are not too many roles left!

As always I have drawn very deeply on the knowledge of Lisa and MaryRose....