Do you ever feel as if life has a habit of taking you back? You can not ever truly escape anything or leave it behind, eventually life circles and you find it all there waiting for you. Not the same for sure, but still there....
I hated my school although I loved College where I did my A-levels. School was full of girls, Christian morality and a social set in which I could never be popular. In a boarding school, those who do not board are always on the edge of things, never there when the fun things happen. I grew up feeling alone and unlikeable for the large part. No BFF for me.
I loathed it all and everything it stood for. When I left, I shook the dust from my feet and never look back. Didn't stay in contact. Didn't want to!
The modern world doesn't let us really escape though. I got found on Facebook...
I accepted the friend request because it seemed futile not to. Then followed 23 friend recommendations. I added a few extra friend requests and a couple of requests found me. There I am in the old school photos people have posted. Drawn back in to the circle of school. Maybe it is time I forgave them all for being what they were which was not what I needed. Just because I was once the day girl on the edge, doesn't mean I always have to be that way.
being on the edge is a long term habit though. I look on facebook and wonder where I am in friends photo albums. I had a habit of moving around the country and having multiple circles of friends. I guess I didn't like to believe one circle really wanted to own me. There in the photos though, my absence hurts. I was at that party. That man who posted all these photos used to really, really fancy me. That woman was supposed to be my best friend and we lived in the same city for four years. Sometimes I feel like I drifted through life, in and out, here and there... then gone again...
But school, school seems to want to own me and claim and doesn't forget I was there. So many of the school parties I seem to have been absent from... and then I remember... I really wasn't there. The glandular fever meant I missed out on a lot. I also turned my back on so many of them because of my hurt, I had a great social life outside of school. When they were locked away in school, I was out drinking and kissing boys.
Before school found me I was feeling a bit lost one day and went and looked at F's photos on facebook - and there I was. I existed there because of him, with him, happy. We walk our circles together sometimes meeting a bit of one of his circles, sometimes one of mine, till my paths become his and his become mine. Separate but joined.
I exist within the world. I am not forgotten. Is that enough?
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