The Low Down

I am sat here feeling pretty low, with no idea what to do with myself. F is at work and has been pretty much all weekend, except to sleep. WoW seems to have run it's course a little and feels.... pointless.... Like I said in my previous post, I throw myself into things and then it becomes too much and I back all the way off. Sometimes there is a catalyst and boy is there ever this time round.

My work situation has long been a little interesting. I talked a lot about negative energies at work in my previous blog. I also talked about the Little Princess - she is still a Princes but her tricky life has helped her grow up a bit! What has really helped though is that we have both come to see how much of our not getting on was actually due to our Boss, the Bitch Queen, meddling and playing games.

After I was really ill back October, November time last year, things were never the same between us. Then they announced the redundancies and a couple of lovely people ended up leaving us in January. Things were so touchy, that when my Boss really began to bully me, I just kept my head down. it did pass, but not surprisingly, it never went away and recently it has begun again and stepped up a notch or two as well.

Things are different this time round though. My lovely colleagues and I have talked, really, really talked about it all. The scale of her unpleasantness goes way further than any one of us knew by ourselves. Now when she is picking on me, I know the quiet people in the corners are witnessing it and sending me supportive vibes. This little thing really helps change things around. The more pissed off she gets, most days, the more amused I get. I quietly sit and take what little pleasure I can from her stress. before, the more stressed she got, the more anxious I would get, waiting for the lightning to hit me.

So I have choices. I leave - not to many jobs around right now and i am so bad at applying for jobs - I hate the whole thing. I stay and keep quiet - a temporary wait and see sort of a thing. I stay and I kick up a fuss - I suspect my putting in a greivance would maybe get her a warning but would mostly result in my leaving, maybe the same day, maybe in a few weeks when my contract is up again or maybe when they announce round two of the redundancies.

My company is making itself more efficient machinery wise. They can say otherwise, but you just know that that is going to mean they need fewer people.... Also the HR person responsible for running the redundancies is still here....

I don't see myself staying long term but for now.... I really love the people I work with, except of course the Bitch Queen. I have even become very fond of the Little Princess.

It never felt like time to leave before and I guess I understand why now. I feel like I have to weather this situation, to prove I can, to prove I am strong. To remind myself that the only one who has control of the way I feel is me. That sticks and stones really can break my bones but words will never hurt me. She can not break me, unless I let her.

I left two other jobs due to unpleasant behaviour by work colleagues. I left at the first sign of it. I just walked away and really they were jobs I should not have been in a hurry to walk away from. I got it wrong. This time is about being stronger and unless I want to go through this repeatedly, I have to try harder to learn my lessons.

This does not make it easy and I guess I am just kinda waiting for that little sign that now is time to go, now it's alright, I did, enough is enough. Mostly I dream of winning the lottery and buying the old mansion I fell in love with last year and doing it up.

So all this work stuff blew up and i couldn't do WoW and now I don't really want to go back. What else do I do with myself? That life I created for myself using my last blog is sort of gone, slipped away... And I don't want to make my life that busy again.... Too much

I guess I don't need to decide anything. I go away on holiday soon. Maybe things will be clearer after that. I will have time and family and a lot of love. Those things will surely help my soul.