Dream / Reality

I have had several posts in mind over the last few days but somehow they have all evaporated. There seems to be a lot going on in my head right now, and a lot in the world too....

I went journeying at the weekend and had an emotional time of it. My parents are selling my childhood home and I went and met the spirits of that wonderful place, and got to say good bye from them and hear their guidance. I ended up crying a lot which is something I hate in public! I also was a tree in another journey and that was an unexpectedly sensual journey.

After going journeying I always think about instruments (and our lack of). last week I saw some decorative gourds in Tesco so the other night I went to hunt for them so I could make some rattles. I failed and I was quite cross with myself for not having bought them when I saw them...

That night I dreamt. F and I were driving along and saw a roadside stall with some nice gourds but nowhere to stop. Then there was a second stall and F agreed to turn round and go back to it. But then we had stopped and F was no longer there. There was magpie feathers on the ground and I was collecting them. I picked up one item and then realised it was a magpie head. I dropped it in shock (and a very Westernised sort of horror). I then realised that I should have taken it and went to pick it up again but it was dark and I was now stood on sand and I could not find it....

In a facebook group I belong to there has been recent talk about dreaming with different items - bones, crystals etc. I have experimented with Amethyst and Calcite a little (don't use Amethyst for dreaming unless you want a good nights rest and dull dreams!). A magpie skull would be quite something for me to dream with. At my journeying group I had a conversation with a lady which involved comments about how much you should take. I kinda believe that it is not an invasion to take everything - that to use everything is to prevent waste, however we are pretty squeamish about such things.....

So this was an odd dream given the gourds and conversations going on....

But the world is strange..... There is so much going on beyond the news they want us to listen to. The average person in the Western world is pretty unsettled right now.... F was on strike today and went on a march. Apparently there was a lot of support from passersby etc. Governments have gotten it wrong. The world is changing.

Who Am I?

I look at myself and often thing - this person I see here is a disguise. This is not who I am. People who know me, know this, but this person in the mirror is not me, just how I have let myself become...

I am working on making my outside match my inside. I now have shorter purple hair, cut in a style that looks the better the messier it is.

I have finally discovered online clothes shopping so i finally have clothing that fits and it took a while, but I have found brands I really like, that suit me. I <3 Joe Browns. Not all of the stuff mind you, some is too cutsey but a lot of it is exactly what I want to be wearing....

I bit the bullet this morning and ordered a coat. In the last ten years I have had two new coats. The first no longer fits and the second was a really, really cheap stop gap because I needed a coat desperately. It is now falling apart. Today I finally received my new work coat in a rather fetching shade of yellow. But the new coat is a work of art.... Black, half military, half whimsy with lots of assymetry going on....

Another thing about today is that it really brought home the biggest reason I am not how I look. I am fat and unfit and this makes it look as if I want to play it safe, that I don't like action, that I would rather be sat down, somewhere safe and out of the way....

but no..... not really. As a child I scoffed at the idea of ever having an office job, ever ever ever. I was the best tree climber in my year and my Mum had all my hair chopped off because I would not look after it at all.

I am finding that slowly, my job is pushing me in new directions. Now I can drive a forklift, and with practice I am getting better at it. and quicker. I move a bit faster than a snail now....

So tonight I find myself outside, riding the goblin, throwing pallets around with the wind raging all around. I relinquished the Goblin after a while due to staffing / equipment / licencsing issues. So as they worked on the far side of the lorry, the driver was trying to pull the curtain back across. The wind was whisking through the lorry, turning it into a giant sail. So I sat myself in the middle of the curtain and pulled down and eventually, the driver was able to fasten it shut.

But there was something about being out there in the wind, the elements.... I love it, I really do. I like being able to go back inside and pit my brain against the computer too.... But that is not all I am.

I am so many things, but I did get a little lost for a while.....

Magical Propaganda

I believe in magic. I believe magic is a term that covers a wide range of phenomenon that many others might not call magic, including prayer.

I am currently considering conspiracy theories and the whole propaganda through the TV thing. Because I can. I think a lot of this conspiracy stuff is becoming mainstream, slowly. As I look at it, I realise that so much of it, no longer seems as extreme to me as it once did....

So magic and conspiracy... It occurred to me that if all these hthings that can be termed as magic really are real, what sort of propaganda would they use to discredit it?

And it occurred to me that so many of the TV programmes I watch are designed, in a way, to be misleading about magic. There are lots and lots of hidden messages about the supernatural in general....

1) To have power you have to be born to it. You need to be a hereditary witch or some such
2) You need to nearly die or be injured in some sort of initiatory fashion, such as a vampire or werewolf's bite.
3) You need to study for your entire life and will only gain true powere when you are old and dusty
4) Spirits are only good if they are dead loved ones come to visit - the rest are bad and should be feared
5) All supernatural phenomenon are bad and come from the negative side of religion, unless you happen to be one of the choosen few who fight the bad. You do not get to choose yourself.
6) Messing with the supernatural opens you up to demonic and other bad influences
7) Messed up, emotional people attract bad supernatural influences

And these are just ones that come to me when I am tired and am sat here at the end of the day writing.....

I do not believe these things to be true, although, like most good lies, there is a grain of truth in some. So in the teen witch programme - I get to see that they fight bad, did not choose themselves, attract bad supernatural phenomenon, are out of control but because they are born to it, they are fine.... In the vampire programme - well they get initiated and attract bad etc etc

This is not how I see magic at all.... I am sure magic can be a stronger presence than it is in my life but I am unsure how that would manifest exactly. For me, it is a ray of light shining through a cloud, the moon peeking through clouds as the wind pulls them past. It is hearing the right song at the right time, it is the friend who calls when you need them. It is so many wonderful little things that you could overlook if you expected them to be something else, something with fanfares of trumpets to announce it's presence maybe..... I think the subtle, ever present, is more powerful and more real, and I believe and it is there in my life everyday, should I but just take the time to open my eyes.

i enjoy a good story, but we should always be aware of what messages we take from the stories we listen to.

It isn't that I am at a loss for words exactly. I have many words and many thoughts but some of them are a bit odd right now. There is a conspiracy theory person at work and I have had a few interesting chats with them. The thing is, in many ways our views are not so disimilar, theirs are just more extreme on the matter of world politics etc, and more aggressive.

There is a respect there which is nice.

So I have watched a few programmes on some of this stuff and well, I don't disagree exactly, it just is not my focus. Do I think there is a hugs conspiracy, not sure. Do I think governments etc act without our best interests at heart and plays games with us - for sure!

I know some people who are about to enter into strike action in the UK and hearing what they have to say, i can see games being played.

The government is sqeezing their pensions. Something like making them work longer to receive less when the pension fund is absolutely fine but the government just wants to take more money from it....

These people don't want to strike and are angry with the government, not their direct employers. They have tried to reach agreements with their employers that would allow them to get their message across without closing down vital services. Their employers have made it clear there are too choices - strike or not to strike for a whole days work. There will be no hour long strike, no being at work to deal with emergencies but dealing with nothing else. To do anything other than strike or not strike is to be in violation of their contracts and to be open to prosecution etc.

But this is a PR game. The fact they tried so hard to find other options will not be publicised. They will strike but public opinion will be against them and chances are, they will either not change a thing or will change so infinitesimally that by and large it will be the same....

Because no one in a caring, service profession really has the heart to bring the country to it's knees....

And the employers? Well.... I am sure the bosses of the bosses have been very well looked after, they always are. Here have a bonus for dealing with this as requested or some such. Bosses get rewarded for selling out their employees. I see this in my work on a smaller scale too...

This country and indeed the world, does not work how I think it should, it works on money and we no longer have the power over our own lives that we should.

Events like this make you go against the community but in effect that is wrong, going against the law is not always going against the community. Smaller shut downs would be better for the community. The law of the community is NOT the community itself. We must remember this.

Making a Fairy!

I find at the moment that I have little to write and what I do have feels lacking in fluidity. I am generally slightly hibernating at the moment and havebeen ever since the wedding really. But there are signs that tide is turning. Last weekend I spent all Sunday making a wand, tiara and a heart. And I enjoyed it too - although I wish I had not left it to the last moment so it was knackering....

Two of the techniques I learnt on 21 Secrets came in useful - Debra Cooper's Playing with Pattern and Alma Stoller's Child's Play. I needed to paint up some paper to act as a pretty background for a photo montage a friend is doing. So I made a heart shaped stamp using a cookie cutter as a template on some hard foam I had from work. I stamped hearts in a pattern that sort of looks a bit like four leaf clovers. Over the top I stamped with bubble wrap using irridescent medium and finally I used a butterfly gift tag which had holes cut in it as a stencil with white paint.

The friend who is doing the photo montage is also making fairy wings for the costume and we had choosen some fine material with a slight silver shimmer. I took some of my piece and repeated the pattern I had made on the paper onto the material. I drew round the heart cookie cutter again and scanned it and changed the size to make three different sizes....

I took some modeling wire and bent it into the shape of the middle heart, with the two wires joining at the bottom of the heart and then being twisted down to make the wand handle. I took beading wire, small plastic pearls and silver faceted beads and made little wire and bead 'trees' all around the outside of the heart. Inside the heart, I took the smallest template and cut two card shapes and glued material to one side of each and then stuck them together, with wire going through inbetween to support the fabric heart in the centre of the wand wire heart. The handle of the wand was covered by a tube of the fabric my friend had made, initially as a ribbon but they turned out too stiff. The tube was much longer than the wand so it rouched all the way up. I fixed it in a couple of places by wrapping lots of wire round and also wrapped a few strands of wire round the handle area. Then finally added some strips of the fabric near the top to hang down and also a few little bells....

The heart was also fabric card covered with the words Bride at last added and my friend will hang this off the wire frame I made for the wings. The tiara is very simple and basically is just a silver tiara band with some more of the wire and bead 'trees'.

I am really pleased with the overall effect and am hopeful that our friend will look like a classy hen on her hen night as we are going to a fun but classy event. She isn't someone I could image decking up in more normal hen attire. She is reserved and has a natural elegance and I would so not want to embarass her!

I am also hoping that one of my gaggle of old college mates will understand that I am a crafter now. When we were arranging things I felt like she was dismissive of the skills I was claiming to have. I guess I have not shared my crafting with them to any degree and only one of the group has really seen anything I have made at all, and then not much, but enough to pipe up that she knew I could do it.....

We shall see! (and have fun!)

Remembering

I feel that bearing witness is an important thing. The stories of the lives of those who went before us should be told. I have started to learn many of them and find them endlessly fascinating. Here are a few. Some direct ancestors, some a side step away....

JRD
JRD was a career soldier who left Scotland to join the 72nd Highlanders and thoroughly left his past behind him. He served in Ireland and was sent from there to the Crimean where he survived Sebastopol. He progressed to the level of Sergeant and continued to serve, heading off to India where he survived the Siege of Kotar and the Battle of Burnass. He led a full life and inspired his sons in to a wide range of careers, including one who became a Drillmaster.

TC
TC was very poor, an agricultural labourer at the time of the Industrial Revolution. He lived with his brother and sister and all three had trouble with the law. His older brother was without work for 17 weeks one time and survived three days on one penny's worth of bread. He was so hungry he stole a loaf and served one month. TC himself stole and assaulted a Police Officer. TC joined the local militia, formed to cover duties left vacant by those serving in the Crimean, probably because he was desperate for the money offered. He later tried to desert and was caught and sentenced to a month. A book on this militia said that some had been illegaly signed up and managed to get them released. I am not sure if he was released or went with the unit to Ireland.

TGC
TGC served in the First World War. He joined the Reserve at the age of 17 in 1912. He became a driver and served in France, Salonika and Egypt. He was obviously good at what he did and enjoyed it as he stayed in the forces after the war .

ABC
TGC's younger brother was too young to fight in the First World War but did join up for the Second. He had a badly broken leg and was not fit for overseas duty and was probably a little too old for it as well. He also served as a driver, based in London.

POJ
POJ served in the Second World War and was posted to India. Apparently he wa sin the Pay Corp and also helped build roads.

OEJ
OEJ served in the First World War but I have no idea what he did as the image qulity s poor and I can not make out a thing!

EVJ
EVJ Served in France during the First World War. He survived a cun shot wound to the back and returned home soon after. He was serving as an instructor and was one of three people at his camp trained to make bombs, the others being a Fitter and a Captain. Unfortunately the fitter one day forgot to drill a fuse hole before putting together a bomb. He put the bomb down to get the drill but the bomb rolled off the table and exploded. The Fitter and the Captain survived. EVJ took two days to die.

I am sure there are more tales I could add to this list but all of these people should be remembered and I am rememering them as few of them would have anyone who rememebrs them alive left living.

Crow Magic

So, as is always the way not a lot happens, but so much happens.

Little pieces of magic flow in and out of my life and sometimes I have to sit with them a while before I share them. Sometimes, even this mostly anonymous blog feels too exposed. The magic requires too much detail to explain to just leave it sat here for anyone to read. It feels like an invasion of others privacy so I always feel the desire to be careful.... And Cornwall is such a smal place! Everyone knows everyone else - somehow! And often there are multiple connections....

So sharing magic that impacts on others is hard....

And so often magic can be a little intangible.

How do share a strange dream state, known as hypnagogia, which is a sort of cross over point between waking and sleeping. For me, a bit like trying to tune an old fashioned telly in and picking up many channels in quick succession. I experienced this three times with a short space of time and on the third time a message came through. A message so harsh for the person it involves that I can not share it here, dare not even repeat it more than neccessary in case that makes it come true. I am reduced to watching and waiting for any signs of a crack forming.

But this makes it sound like I am anxious about it. Some part of me is but it is a separate part, as if I am full of many streams that intermingle at will but often lie side by side. I am all of them, but the every day me, is not always the same as the magic me.

Then there was a funeral where my hands turned hot and tingly but not in a pins and needles way. Now I need to explore this sign of healing and see if I can find out what is required.

But as I say, nothing on the surface has changed, but the waters within me are running deeper than ever. My confidence is growing as is my belief.

Crow continues to stalk me, and yesterday sea gull got in on the act as well. I remember one day I was driving, and a crow, magpie and gull flew over head, perfectly placed so that their flightpaths made an equilateral triangle. They were all flying at the same speed and were the same distance from each other. I guess I know I need to accept Crow and Seagull, I know they have some significance to me, but Magpie is the one that I like best.

But on my Samhain spread, Crow was my future. And I can see this, i can see how it is developing. I have a tribe now of two magpies and three crows. They watch for me. I know food is a great motivator, but if they did not trust me, they would not come so close.

Today I drove in to work and there was a dead rabbit on the verge. A crow was sat on it, having itself some breakfast. I don't think the eating of carrion is anyone's favourite thing about the Corbae.... Luckily I am not squeamish. I already felt like this was a sign, but this was confirmed when a colleague later asked me if I had seen it and proceeded to tell me that sea gulls had fed too.

Rabbit is / was one of my totems. Rabbit is the fear caller and I do not feel so fearful any more. Rabbit has taught me well and I am grateful for everything it has given me, and that I hope it continues to give to me. I do want to have some fledglings of my own sometime soon.... but anyway there was Crow, eating my fear.

Crow has taken note of me, and tucked me under it's wing. I think it respects my love of it's cousin Magpie. I don't think it matters if I don't feel quite the same way about Crow. Maybe Crow is just doing Magpie a favour.... *laugh* So I think that Crow is riding the wind of magic that feels as if it is flowing more strongly in to my life than ever before.

And what of Sea Gull? No idea. Not gotten that far yet, but I reckon Sea Gull is not going to go away, even if it has not called me yet.

Give and Take

I was woken earlier than I had intended by the postman with books. As I took my books from him, I looked across at nearby houses. Magpies were bickering by a chimney pot.

I logged on to discover a pretty horrific accident had taken place on the M5. The M5 is the first motorway you hit after leaving Cornwall and a big part of our journey to anywhere else in the UK really. What can you say about accidents like this? They make me so sad.

Watching the footage I can see a lorry belonging to a company we do business with. I am not sure if they picked up from us last night, I would have still been in work if they had. I could even have ended up loading that lorry... I may have met the driver of that truck at some time.

So I moved on, although the accident is haunting my day.

I dragged F to the gym (yay for me!) and watched more footage of the accident from the treadmill, which at least distracted me from the pain in my calves and from how much I wanted to stop.

But onto more positive things.... As we left the house, I spotted a neighbour had left a king size mattress on the pavement with a free to good home note attached. F and I quickly swiped it. We have a standard mattress on our standard bed but we had promised ourselves we would put together the pallet bed this weekend. The pallets are each one metre square so they will easily take the king size mattress.

As we drove away a squirrel decided to run infront of the car. I braked but was unsure whether or not it had gotten away, it was that close. I had to turn around and see and the squirrel appears to have escaped by the skin of it's teeth, thankfully. Sqirrels are a message about the universe providing, about letting go and about preparing for the future. Very apt confirmation that taking the mattress from the pavement was the right thing to do! And the timing as well, with us planning to sort the bed this weekend.....

All is good really but the day has an edge to it....

Calendar Girl

Sooo overtime is sucking the life from my life and my healthy eating and exercise has stalled but we are back on it today for sure.... There is just so much I have not done, have to do, want to do... and it seems as if there is just not enough energy and impetus to do it!

I still have not done my thank yous from the wedding.....!! but a friend gave me a great idea yesterday - calendars. You can design your own calendars online and get them printed and sent to you... So my plan looks like this now....

Personal calendars for immediate family as bonus Xmas pressies.
Family calendars to my older relatives and close friends as their Xmas presents with their thank you letters and Xmas cards.
Desk calendars with thank yous and Xmas cards for family and friends

I think if things are a bit late but look thoughtful and genuine, then people are more likely to let me off! I can make all the calendars focus on the family and friends in question too as I could not face sending someone a calendar of hundreds of photos of me!

I received two new books today - another two dummies guides to.... I like these books because you know they are broad introductions to a subject. Sometimes you buy a book on a subject and it is focused too much on one aspect or on the authors views. This is fine if the subject is one you already know something about but not when you want an introduction. So now I have books on IBS and Meditation to add to my Neuro Linguistic Programming and Tai Chi.... and I have Florence! *does happy dance*

Time to get moving again on my life I think!

Time Comes Loop

I don't know how many months thos painted pallets have been sat in our bedroom waiting to be put together... Must be getting on for six months. They have become features in their own right, festooned with clothes and other accoutrements.

F noticed last weekend that with the change in weather and our bed currently being against an outside wall with no headboard, that our breathing and sweating is causing condensation to form between the bed and the wall. We have promised ourselves that the bed will go up this weekend and we will sort the bedroom out.

I think the tide has turned now Samhain is done with. It needs to have turned because there are things we have been putting off but need to accomplish. Maybe I should right a list... Maybe I should try not to get sucked into family trees and the past.

If I won the lottery I would spend a fair bit of time researching. there are so many records out there. A lot is on the internet these days but if you can go to local records offices you can find out so very much more and I love it..... It brings history alive. It also explains things within my family in some cases. Events that happened generations past do rumble on down through the generations, whether we see it or not.

My Great Great Great Grandfather was a little on the dodgy side, he served time for breakig hedges, stealing wood and stealing hurdles. He had three children. The oldest, J also served time and for more serious things than his Father too. Assaults, maliciously attacking doors and then heartbreakingly, in 1851 he was sentenced to one month for stealing a loaf of bread. Much information is available on this, including his short defence. He was hungry, he had had no work for 17 weeks and had survived the last three days on 1 penny's worth of bread. Viva the Industrial Revolution.....

J lived with his sister and brother and they obviously did their best to look after each other, but even so. S was the next oldest and she had an illegitimate child. I am not sure if it was the baby's father or someone else but she set fire to this man's house, with him and several other people in it....

The younger brother, my great great grandfather was a rat catcher and not surprisingly was also in trouble with the law. He even has his photo attached to his records.... He took the money offered to join the local militia. The militias were being raised to cover the duties at home that the regular forces could not complete as they were fighting in the Crimean. He deserted and was sentenced. However, there is a book that says some were recruited illegaly and had to be released. Some of these however later took a second financial bribe and signed back up again. I would loe to know where he fit in in all of this and one day I shall find the appropriate records.... See where he did go and what he did do. i bet he only signed up through hunger as well...

My Great Great Grandfather's children all put him down as various professions on their marriage certificates - the most amusing being gamekeeper! The though of a gamekeeper keeping rats tickles my sense of humour! They all left and bettered themselves and my Great Great gained a trade, a wife and a whole bunch of kids. He obviously knew he was ill before he died - his eldest son requested discharge from the Army six months before he died. He also obviously extracted promises from my Grandfather. Look after your sisters, it is your duty to do right by them, let them follow their hearts and marry as they will and when they will.... They did. My Grandfather was not free himself to follow his own desires for many a year and did not marry until he was in his forties.

My Grandfather died himself when my Father was only just old enough to take on the business and would have known he was dying. I bet he asked my Dad to look after his Mother and my Dad did, although thankfully she didn't live with us! And my Dad to this day looks after all of us. He works hard and does his best to provide.

My family has for generations looked after everyone as best it can, brothers and sisters, down through the generations, even those too poor to even really look after themselves.

Hip Halloween

My contribution to happy Halloween-iness!

All is better here today, the energy of that last week is subsiding.... I have a good book and all is right in the world (for tonight at least!)