Looking back at this year, it has often been a year slightly out of step, a year where I have done something different that does not quite fit the flow of the rest of my life somehow.
When I was little I lived in a hamlet, halfway between two villages. Village A was where we psychologically belonged, our hamlet took it's name from this village and it was where we went to Church and socialised. But where we lived fell in the catchment for Village B.
Out of choice my family took me to Play School in village A. My Mum worked their too and this was a good palce and a happy time. But then all my friends left. The school in Village A took them earlier than the school in Village B and I was alone, a big fish in a little pond, which to be honest, i quite enjoyed.
The problem came the following year when I hit 5 and entered both my Year of Omnipotence and my new school. I didn't fit. i didn't have pre-existing friendships from Play School. I was overly clever and preferred the friendship of adults to those of the children around me. i didn't know how to breach that gulf and I was desperately lonely and unhappy. This year more so than the ones that follow I think. but it was certainly the beginning of a hard time for me.
My next Year of this Moon was hard too. It was my year out. I moved out of home, left school and started my first job days before my 18th birthday. In some ways it was a great year, I did very well. I received a prize for the project I completed. I did many fun things. I had a circle of friends who liked and valued me. But I was really, really lonely, because I could not be with my friends all the time.
I think it was in this year that my dysfunctional attitude towards relationships began to surface, out of loneliness. Later in the year, I entered a bad relationship with an older man who pursued me at work. He tried to dominate me and control me and separate me from my friends. When I left him, he sought to dominate me one last time and raped me.
I accept it would have looked different from his point of view. I was in a bad way when I got home that night, severely tired and dehydrated. I remember very little but I wonder if he gave me strong painkillers. it is only now in later years that I know anything with Codeine in it makes me feel very out of it and sleepy.
Anyway, a bad way to go and one that that rang down through later years. It is obvious to me now that this was (is?) a broken moon from my childhood, that loneliness and a desire to belong and a lack of value for myself began there and echoed on through. I may have repaired the damage from the events the first time round, but I had not repaired the Moon and it blindsided me again the second time through.
So the third time... This was the year I suddenly decided to go and do a Teacher Training course. Well no, I decided that in the Year of Value and did it during Omnipotence. I didn't make a good teacher in the way our school system requries. It was not for me, but this year had good things too. it took me back to school, I got to examine the school system again and my place within it and what it does to children. It seems blatantly obvious now that this was all about healing this Moon.
I realised I loved school for it's learning, I loved learning about all the different subjects. it reintroduced me to Art and History and helped me understand Religous Education as stories. I learnt some cool things and valuable skills. i realised I was very good at telling stories - I love storytime with kids - I do all the voices and everything....
And this was the year that the Student who reminded me of the Wife in the previous post was in my life.... Kind of curious too that she should appear just as we re-enter Omnipotence, during Value. Maybe the damage in these moons was due to a slight weakness in my Moon of Value. Certainly this character has less power to hurt me as I value myself. And it makes me think I should include my nasty Ex in this character type, which had not occurred to me before because he is male and therefore does not have all the same physical charactersitcs in an obvious way.....
I am not sure how easy it is to get across the realisations I have just had with regards to a personality type, Value and Omnipotence. Anyway.... no biggie... I know now. And last time through, loneliness was definately not an issue. But this is definately a year that sweeps me away in a different direction, when the tides of fate do their thing. But I don't think it is Broken any more, but I guess I won't know for sure until I reach 44....
This also explains my Dreamboard. I did one yesterday. In the bottom left, is an Erratic ( a boulder dropped by a glacier left out of place) balnced on a smaller rock with a background of stars. In the top right is a wind chislled column of rock in a desert with stars behind it. Top left is primitive sacred cave paintings of hands. Then there is a group of people sat out in the wilds round a camp fire and the way they sit has me in mind of the way the buddhist is sat in prayer in another picture. Then there is a husky dogs face and words, such as help, healing, home... But the thing that really adds the edge for me is the picture in the middle, obscured by others so you might not even realise that what it shops is the black wave of a tsunami breaking and sweeping all before it.
I had already figured that the dreamboard concerned fate and destiny. The things that get left behind after aeons, the things that survive. And how there is peace in this, but sometimes too, things get swept away and destroyed, that I get swept away.
And looking at how this Moon sweeps into my life it makes sense now.... I make big decisions that sweep me away, and did I ever have much choice anyway? Were those decisions destined? Impotence (the negative of this Moon) is as much present as Omnipotence. And loneliness sings under there too.... Do those rocks sometimes feel lonely by themselves after all around has gone and they still endure?
No wonder the coming of this Moon gives me fears of being swept away by fate of being powerless, a niggle. I will surrender to the wave that may or may not come, and trust that whatever of me is left standing will be as it should be.
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