Moon of Affirmation

We are about to move into the Moon of Affirmation so here is a little exploration of what I think this means...

This Moon has had some interesting themes in my life - not that I remember many of them from the first time round! The second time was a year of some respite from glandular fever, during which I took my GCSEs and started my first job, in a Chinese restaurant. It felt good to have my own money and that I was out there, taking car of myself. The third time round was the time following my graduation.

I had a job waiting for me when I graduated and my Boss was a person I loved working with. Their Boss was however a bit of a bully. My Boss got a better job offer and jumped ship, leaving me to cope with the bully directly. One day she spoke to me how she used to speak to my Boss. I probably did deserve a little telling off, but I got somewhat more than that and handed in my notice. Not sure to this day if that was a good move on my part or not! I think it probably was - of the group of us, the only one I believe is still working for this person has had several periods off work with stress and occasionally I spot them around and they look... tired, not happy.

For the rest of this year I did various temp jobs in the environmental area. None of which was entirely successful, somehow, the people I worked for turned out not to be entirely honourable. Eventually I gave up and went and got a temp job doing admin, which has led me to where I am now. Certainly pride, independence and the feminine warrioress principle has been a part of previous turns on this Moon. I am not entirely sure whether this Moon has been a good one for me previously or not!

Wheelkeeper states that this Moon is a lot to do with saying No, which certainly fits, but also about making choices. Wapeyit adds that it is also about saying yes. It is about saying I AM this and knowing what you are, and what you are not. What is true to you and what is not, integrity. Wapeyit includes some quotes on integrity in her post but then continues to talk about role models and this is something she has brought up again this year in our group on facebook. This aspect of the Moon of Affirmation is definately one that needs work for me.

I think role models can be unhealthy when it borders of idolisation. People always make mistakes, they are not perfect, idolising them does not allow them to be human. I was an odd kid and when I was young I didn't feel entirely like I fitted in my immediate family. The person I seemed most like was my Uncle, and I adored him. I could talk to him about stuff the others had no interest in at all, physics and cosmology for instance. He has always been charming and a bit offbeat in a cool sort of way. I think when I was young, I was very like him in many ways.

He was never good with relationships though, of any sort. He divorced his first wife and separated from his second. His second wife was very good about inviting us to see them and making a bit of an effort, something he never did. We never received presents from them, which was fine. They lived some distance away too, so we rarely saw them.

His next relationship though was with someone rather different. She was much younger than him. Far closer in age to me than to him, although they would never acknowledge that. My byfriend at the time was the same age as her. She is well educated and a little patronising - corrects things that don't need correcting etc now, but back then, I think she was more than a little nervous of meeting us all. As if my family would be anything other than polite....

But the thing was at that first meeting it became clear that my Uncle was focused on his new lady and her uncertainty meant that he no longer had time to talk to me. If I tried to talk about the things only we had in common, he would turn the conversation back to something she could join in with. I understand this, but it meant I lost the opportunity to talk to the one person in the family who actually was interested in those things, because our infrequent visits were now kept to safe topics for general discussion.

On that visit they kindly gave me a lift back home. They hardly spoke to me and I sat in the back and read stories to my cousins. I was definately resigned to role of child, and I resented that, not that I minded reading stories to my cousins at all...

My Uncle has an internet life and eventually I came across this. It was very evident that we still had so many things in common, although both our interests had changed. It was also clear that he had a lot of time for many worthy things in his life, creativity, charity work... much more time that he had had for me and my family. I also noticed that he had been regularly visiting Cornwall, quite close to where I live too, pretty much yearly and had never once thought to call. It hurt quite a lot.

I know he never asked to be my childhood role model. I don't think he ever realised he was. But it did hurt and it did not help me feel like I fitted in, like I belonged. I had resumed some contact with him by email, but one day, i just didn't feel like it any more. i know he was concerned and asked my family if I was alright, but I just backed all the way off.

I didn't invite him to my wedding either, despite his being very close family. The wedding was so small, that every guest on my side that I chose to be there was there because of their impact on my life. I had to explain some of those choices to my Mum because from the outside, value within relationships can be hard to evaluate. My Godfather for instance is someone I rarely see, but at important times in my life, when he has heard things have been tough, he has made the effort to contact me, to show he cared. My Uncle had not managed to convey caring in quite some time.

I am sure he must have been hurt by the lack of invite. It would have been a good time to renew contact with my Cousins too, who were children last time I saw them. This relationship needs healing badly, I have to let go of my old resentments and I think in part this requires that I give him some explanation for my behaviour. From there he can do what he wants with it, it certainly will not affect my relationship with him for the worse as I never see him anyway.

This was already on my to do list, before it made sense within the context of the coming moon. I need to disconnect unhealthy idolisation from my role models so that I feel more comfortable saying people are role models for me in the now, because right now, I can't. I think nature, spirit is the most powerful role model out there and I guess all I really want to affirm is just to be me, dancing in my place on the great wheel of all that is.

Who knows what else Affirmation will bring up. It has not even started yet, not until tomorrow night, and it is already making me think!