Kick

After a long hard slog the Orders of Service are done. 48 A5 booklets consisting of an outer irridescent piece of card with order of service and a boarder on it. (I got away with only making three stencils for the wording - acrylics make them gungy and if you strip it fou make them fuzzy edged and they gungey quicker). Inside is a sheet of white paper cut down from A4 and printed on both sides and then folded. The booklet is held together by a white ribbon, held in place with a heart in the centre of the innermost page of the booklet. The hearts were made by painting an A4 white sticker page and then drawing round a heart cookie cutter and cutting them out.

This has quite literally taken weeks.

I am glad they are done.

But I am not done. There are some calls I still have not made and with only four weeks to go, I am running out of time.... Flowers, hair and the minibus are not finalised.... I have crafty adminy bits I can not do until I have all the RSVPs back and of course.. I don't.....

So I am alright, but not great. Getting there but not there.

F however is nowhere near finishing his alloted task of sorting out the house. I know I get to finish my stuff and then start on his stuff and this is not making me happy. He doesn't seem to have much will to get it done either. And a complete lack of organisation! Sometimes he expends an awful lot of energy for very little outcome.

So this afternoon I have been sorting stuff, after a slog to finish the Order of Services. I have two days holiday and I know those days are going to be spent, rescuing his behind from his lack of will. I am frustrated. I love him. But I want to give him a good hard kick....

Brain Balls

My determination to keep going with the whole memory thing has been re-fuelled... more than once.

The lovely taranova posted a piece entitled Memory. Very lovely as always....

So I knew I was on the right track....

My book (The Memory Book by Tony Buzan) arrived and here began the next step - improving my memory. It began with a look at where my memory is at right now. I was surprised to discover that my memory is not as bad as I had thought. An average person, untrained in memory techniques will score between 40% and 60% overall on these tests. I scored about 50%. Which firmly puts my memory at average. Quite a nice surprise!

Obviously there is a bit of underlying psychology about how the memory works, which science geek that I am, I have really enjoyed. It also fits really well with the trail of enquiry began with Incognito by Monsieur Eagleman. Im proving the way I use my brain and understanding my brain is definitely a thread right now....

And then onto the techniques... These are great and all the ones I have tried so far certainly work... I look forward to going further. Now apparently I have to take a couple of days and practice my current technique before moving on to the next xhapter.....

But I have learnt some new stuff about myself. I like using my brain but my memory has often been neglected because I am pretty good at figuring things out. Why remember a technique for something if you can figure it out from scratch pretty quickly. I got fairly good at remembering concepts as they get slotted into my world view like a thread in a piece of fabric but I am horrendously bad at remembering facts. And that is why I think my memory is bad....

The book had a section on remembering the planets and their position in our solar system. Stats about how many people in a thousand, remembered how much and their confidence level.... One in a thousand actually knew all the planets and their positions and was confident of this. i put myself slightly lower the scale - quite a lot lower actually and I was not being modest.

Confronted with a diagram however and the bits of knowledge I have allowed me to slot the planets in to their appropriate places.... Mercury is tiny and very hot and sits next to the sun. Then venus - a swirling toxic mess of gases with a surface so hot it would set even the Goddess of Love on fire.... Then us - third rock from the sun as per that great sitcom about aliens visiting and trying to live amongst us.... Then Mars of the war of the worlds and Kim Stanley Rombinsons mars series, easily identifiable in the diagram by being red, and relatively small. Then there was a really, really big planet, which could only be Jupiter because that is a gas giant... Then I knew Pluto is tiny so that had to be the last one. I remembered uranus and guessed it's position but completely forgot neptune.... So i was one point away from full marks.

I now know the planets and their order and am confident I will remember them. What else will I be able to learn now? If I develop my memory to actually retain all the things I learn..... and I love learning and have never stopped..... *sigh*

We don't learn to use our brains very well. Why don't they teach that in school. Teach people to think and they will learn because they can do nothing else....

Rememberance

Time passes. I slowly eek my way closer to being done. A few letters cut in a stencil before work - the lettering on a few more covers sorted after work. By small increments I am getting there.... All is good.

I will be glad when I can work on other things though. I have a stack of books and magazines. I have 21 Secrets and a sketchbook.... I have no space in my life right now for anything new. Once I am wed, I will finish the things waiting for completion and then, it shall be time to usher a few new things in through the door. I am glad though I have things for after the wedding, that i am not heading towards a huge expanse of nothingness.....

Every so often though, something peeks in that pushes to the front, the next step on my path, rather than an interesting side path. This time it is memory. Synchronicity has been at work in this. Life has been shouting at me for a long time that my memory is really, really bad. It is a standing joke at work. I have long developed tactics to disguise my lack of memory which enable me to be very well organised... task lists, calendar reminders and full on notes to refer to.... I know how to get round having a bad memory for sure.

But I don't actually want a bad memory.

I don't want to end up vague like my Gran. I can see this process happening....

So I know all this and then I get a kick - in a conversation with a friend.

So what do I do with a kick like this? I go away and learn more. I buy a book. I integrate the knowledge into my world view...... And if I am really good - I put it into practice.

This is something I need to learn to improve though. I need to work that memory muscle. Not just for my spiritual development but for my own mental health as well. Otherwise I will find myself old, having forgotten who I am.

Rambles with Myself

I am tired. Today I went back to bed and slept the afternoon away. My Order of Services are working their way towards completion. The innards are tripped, held in place with white ribbon and a heart sticker painted in the styley of the hole thing. Some have paint on the covers, about a quarter. And I just need to keep going is all... I am nothing if not stubborn though.

My heart is yearning to decorate the spines of my guest book and photo book. I have white acrylic to paint the spiral binding and some silver interference paint to put over the white. I have white feathers and silver and white ribbons in a shimmery material and white satin ribbon from the Order of Services. I have material from the bridesmaid dress as well as my own and intend to make some little calla lillies and ribbons. I also intend to make stencils to paint the covers in the style of the invites. And this one off sort of creativity is just more appealing than being a production line.... but the Order of Services have to be done before the wedding, but the decorations on the books don't....

I just lost my train of thought because a teenager came to visit - this blog is definitely not open to S! I have no idea if this is permanent or temporary. I feel for him.... anyway. he now has the wii.... *grin*

I have some things I am procrastinating over - like my hair - why don't I have this sorted? And the flowers, why are they not sorted? The transport was not sorted but conversations with friends seem to be sorting that in a very satisfactory style, without me actually doing much..... but yes, I feel like I am trusting these things to the right moment - but how do I know this isn't just procrastination and indecisiveness or even just plain old not particularly liking making telephone calls to strangers sometimes?

I am struggling with S in some sense (see, my brain really never left that distraction! *laugh*). He isn't overly fond of being by himself, doesn't really know what to do with his own space and has absolutely no hobbies or pastimes that do not involve electronic wizardry or being out and about spending money.... Mind you, neither does F.... and it doesn't seem to do him any harm - actually that is not quite true.... he does have non-electronic hobbies and pastimes. he has friends to go see and a bike to ride. S is stuck here.... but by his choice. but he does need a hobby or two....

He will also need to come to a decision about the days when F and my shifts do not mean there is someone in the house. It is hard. Maybe we just need to trust that he is ready to be by himself - he is old enough. I guess we shall see tomorrow - with his Dad off a night shift and asleep - how he does in reality.

Still very proud though.... Seems he is happy to share who he wishes to be with us. Seems he has shared this with his other family and it has not gone down so well. Why do music choices often end up being so divisive? Anyway, enough rambling, I have wedding things to do.....

Pride (In the Name of Love)

I get to pause, briefly tonight. Life is twisting and turning for sure at the moment. It's like a good book - the plot feels right but it still has the power to surprise you and you don't get to know all the details till you get there....

I think if you can relax into the plot, it somehow gets easier. Good and bad will come. I think if the bad things that happened to me when I was younger, happened to me now, I would know how to handle them better, that they would not derail me. This feels important. It feels connected with being a parent.

i think you need to be stable within yourself to be able support children and young adults. To be stable you need to be flexible but rigid enought to have form. I finally feel that I have gotten somewhere, that this year is an important landmark for me. That getting married and deciding we are ready to start a family are symptoms of the landmark change, not the change itself. The change is more subtle. I feel it within me but....

And so I find S has come to stay. I hope he chooses to stay. He has expressed his power of choice and made it clear to those who have always previously held the control over his life that he is old enough now to say no and to walk away if he feels he has to. I couldn't stop looking at him this evening because suddenly, in the way he looks, i can see the shape of a man.

I know he is glad that he has been able to come here. The hug as soon as I got in the door said that. Helping his Dad put things in the loft said that. Not making a fuss about having to come and do some pre-booked chores with me tomorrow said that. Children and young adults have softer voices and we have to be quieter in our dealings to hear them, but they are there. A good parent helps their children find their own voice, their own path.

Whether S chooses to stay a night or two or for longer or even to change schools and live here, it will be his choice and we shall support him. We can not make that choice for him. All we can do is try to listen for his voice and be steadfast in our expression of love. Even if he chooses to just take this as a brief respite before returning to his ongoing situation. And I do love him very much and right now, I am so very proud of him. I can't imagine either of those things changing too much.

Things are manic!

*zooms off in to the nether, dropping a letter as she passes*

Overtime and wedding-y things are keeping me busy. Plus my mates seem to want to still spend time with me. I shall post more at the weekend but posting on many weekdays may be beyond me for a bit! All is good and happy though! *hugs to all*

Time for Help

So F is out on his Stag do. Has been pretty much all day. And I had nothing to do. They decided to get buses where needs be rather than have any of us girlies around. Well, not till the end at least!

F knows of my lack of ability to stay awake after ten. He had arranged to stay at his Best Man's house and for the Best Man's lady to take them home. Very nice of him....

Except part of the way through the night I kinda realised I didn't want her to pick them up (even though she is one of my best mates). And I didn't want him to sleep there. I wanted to hear the stories of the evening. I wanted to be involved. I want to look after him, make sure he is alright, after the inevitable excess.

She was happy to oblige and immediately understood. She has known me longer than F after all. In fact F and I met through her and her partner....

So now I am sat here thinking of ways to stay awake, by myself.... And I have no idea what time I need to stay awake until....

The worst thing is, I know I would have been grumpy and resentful if I had had to pick him up.... I am not always the world's best partner, but it isn't that I don't care.... and I always get there in the end. Sometimes I need a little help... sometimes I need a little time.

Dovetailing Life

It has been a long week. F has worked a couple of nights and i slept badly without him. Then before that I was so tired anyway I slept nearly twelve hours one night and a restless, dream filled twelve hours at that - but strangely that night left me feeling so much more at peace and energy filled than any other night this week....

Synchronicity are alive and well. The message is coming through loud and clear that there is a rightness to our wedding plans. Thank you to the dear friends who have been carriers of this message - and on the same day too!

F and I were talking this morning and he said it all feels like a new, happy start. As chance would have it, he is changing job just before the wedding. He completes his initial training, then goes on leave for our wedding and then returns after to his new start. This is a job he has dreamt of for a long time. He applied before and was successful and then waited his two years with no vacancies coming up. He applied the beginning of this year again and expected it to be much as before but lo and behold, here he is, with his dream beginning, dovetailed around our wedding day as if designed like that exactly...

It leaves me wondering what this energy of change hitting our lives around then will do for me. What dreams will come true for me?

Anyway - I have much to work on. F is off to get very drunk with his male friends and do other very male things. I am meeting a girlie friend or two over the weekend and intend to move my paints and Order of Service covers downstairs so I can start a little production line in front of the TV...

Love to you all... much love... There i plenty to go around!

Beginning

Wapeyit of Rattling the Bones posted a beautiful post today... It made me want to tell the story of my own beginning. And more importantly, to ask my Mother about my beginning and to write it down so I do not forget....

One day, as my Mother neared the end of her allotted nine months carrying me throughout the hottest Summer in living memory, she went to the clinic for a check up. They found her blood pressure was up and told her to go home, collect some things and come back again, which she did. On her return, they connected her up to a drip and gave her pain killers and such like and began the process of inducing me.

My Father came from work to the hospital to see my Mother and make sure she was alright. He arrived, the nurse checked his name, led him to a door, told him to put a gown on and ushered him inside. In those days Fathers did not tend to watch their babies being born and it was certainly not something my Dad would have been eager to see! But nether the less, there he was..... Much to his surprise!

I was very tiny, not quite five pounds, so they put me in a prem unit for a few days but apparently I gained weight quickly (*sigh* I still do!). I was only a week, maybe two premature and my health was fine.

My Mum does not remember too much of my birth and has very little idea what time of day it was even! Those drugs will do that to you....

I would like to remember and record more of my childrens births for them.... More the stories of them, than a physical video however!

Low Ebb

I feel really tired and low today.... I have still been chipping away at stuff though.

I sat down and looked at the wedding finances.

I chatted with my folks about things.

I finished sorting the wishes for the Make a Wish, Take a Wish. Decided I need to go up to the castle before I make the tree so I know what size space it has to fit into. Punching holes seems to take forever! (think my punch has gotten a bit blunt!)

I went shopping.

And I am about ready for bed. I feel like I am constantly working on the wedding and at some point I need to devote some time to the house because F just does not seem to be making much progress. Maybe I need to leave a list of things I want done by next weekend. It feels as if each day he will do one big job and then stop at that.... OK I can't see what he is doing when I am not there, and I am not going to nag him, I am not *sigh*, but, we need to get some of this junk out of the house because otherwise he is going to waste so much time just moving things around and around and around.....

I need some time with him as well. I tried to fix the dripping tap today but I need one set of hands under the sink and one above. I just can't reach far enough to do both at the same time. He works every other weekend currently and next weekend is his weekend off but he has his stag do and will be out all day. And hung over the following day. So it will be the end of July before we get time to do stuff together again really. I am just getting frustrated is all.... and tired. I don't see him tired so much. I do see him playing the xbox a fair bit though.

Well they do say that behind every great man there is an even greater woman....

Computer Says No

It is very unlikely that my shamanic stuff will arrive today now... oh well. Obviously meant to get on with other stuff this weekend!

But Computers... *sigh*

I have had to except that my laptop has died finally and that I have to set the printer up elsewhere. I only had two files on my laptop I needed. One I had emailed to someone and was able to retrieve from the email. The other did not take long to replicate.

I miss my more up to date version of Microsoft Office very much though. The pc I am now working on has a very old version, but at least it has a version.

The printer is proving a considerable problem though! I can't find my drivers disk and this pc just is not accepting the online ones. *sigh* I worked on the wishes today and I have them all ready to print and cut up and......

*laugh*

If I could just find that disk...... Maybe I should go tidy instead of doing wedding things

Wardrobe Love

I also never posted pics of our new wardrobe and redecorated bedroom. So here it is!

On the left we have a mirror storage unit which swivels around. Next we have a thin section with two shelves, a hanging rail and a draw unit. Then we have a wide section with one shelf, two shoe racks and two hanging rails. Lasty on the right we have a thin section with a drawer unit and lots of shelves...

I still love it. So practical and very good for a damp house as there is less stagnant air.

This was a dull day but the floor is more navy than black and the walls are a little brighter....

Invitation

I am not procrastinating... not much anyway....

I thought you might like to see the fronts of our wedding invites. The card is lovely and there is no photograph that will do it justice. It has a very fine line texture and a silver shimmery coating so that it glimmers gently. The font is vivaldi. The paints acrylics in burgundy, red and burnt sienna applied with a stencil....

I have a story about this design actually....

When I was a kid doing art at school we had an assignment once to take two letters, make masks with them then create a repeating pattern and colour the negative spaces. I chose the font vivaldi and the letters J & R. One for my name and the other for the name of my crush of the time.

Except it was a very fleeting crush! I would not even remember having the crush if it were not for the piece of art. i don't remember it at all. In fact the guy was someone my sister went out with. It makes me wonder if I just had the crush to produce that piece of art with those letters...

Because here I am years later and they are mine and my fiance's initials and I have recreated that old piece of art and turned it into my wedding invites....

It was a good piece of art though and received admiration... Unfortunately it was the piece that the art teacher admired very much and made him comment that I might be better than my Sister. oh well!

On the reverse of the invite I have stuck a smaller piece of white parchment on which the details are printed in Calibri and Vivaldi fonts....

Dreamboard Catch Up

I have been a bit slack with my Full Moon Dreamboards. I have done them, just not photographed them and posted them...

April 18th
I had to have a look back at my blog to see what was going on during this full moon. It seems like there was a fair bit. 21 Secrets was getting a fair bit of time. Some stormy thoughts. I like this dreamboard - there is so much life and energy in it and this month was certainly full of that! It was a veryy busy dreamboard and a very busy month....


May 17th
This dreamboard in comparison to the previous one is almost empty.... but somehow it is more pointed and poignant than the previous one.... It was this fullmoon that saw me dream a dream that made we desire assistance in interpreting it. This has lead to the offer of assistance in learning to be a dreamer. So unlocking your dreams and the sideways head are very pointed. The footsteps of the past and where it all begins would seem to refer to these events too as things are beginning then but also, the past is where the chain of karma I have been looking at lies. The owls are birds of the night and dreams, messengers.... Seagulls feature in the story that I finally finished that relates to the dream as the carriers of the souls of those lost at sea. The flower blooming at night *sigh* Need I say much more about this dreamboard?


June 15th
This one is a busy dreamboard again and I think I shall wait to look back at it, not long to the next dreamboard!

This morning I have hoping my latest Amazon delivery, despatched Thursday night, will arrive. I ordered this a few days ago and in it I will gain a book recommended by Mel on Power Animals, a book on journeying that comes with a drumming CD and another drumming CD. This weekend is perfect because F is working, so I have a calm peaceful house in which to journey. Definitely crossing my fingers....

I am tinkering on my pc and soon I shall have to migrate to the dying laptop, to feed in invite details and transfer around wedding related things. Then I need to clear my laptop off my table and be creative....

Maybe I shall work on the covers for the Order of Services, maybe the wish tree. F and I are supposed to be sitting down together to think up some witty wishes to add to our wishes for the guests/ I have no idea when that will happen... Otherwise I could start printing out and cutting out the wishes and tying them shut with the white ribbon I have. And I need blank wishes too. There is something about the wish tree that feels very pagan to me, it feels like a spell, particularly tying the wishes on with little bits of white cloth.... I think I shall just remove the wishes themselves and leave the ribbons tyed on the tree after, like a little cloutie tree.

But then this morning I saw the amazing guestbook Sam made for her sister. At the moment I have these lovely sketchbooks. One larger one for photos and a slightly smaller one for the guest book. I was planning to do something to the covers, but maybe I should be a little bolder....

And then there are the favours, if we end up having any! I love the idea of felting soaps... but even with only 50 guests, do I have time? I might see where I am at, at the end of July, when my finances would permit me to next think about buying the things I would need.... I might make an experimental bar with the wool i already have and see how it turns out, if I could make that many bars....

Sitting here writting about what I have to do instead of doing it is a way of procrastinating though!

The Fractured Self

I have been thinking a lot about some things recently. Looking at shamanism has got me curious about soul retrieval. It seems an odd concept. In fact much of shamanism seems odd when you first come across or if you come across without some sort of something - an introduction, a key, some chink of understanding to start you on the way. For me that was Supernatural by Graham Hitchcock. Without that book I wouldn't be as comfortable and accepting of some of the stuff about shamanism as I am now reading. I found Supernatural a very challenging book. I had to put it down a fair few times and think.

Not that he covered Supernatural but that book was a key that opened a door. I am in a big room now with many books and small windows giving glimpses of other rooms I have yet to visit... All with more books. But anyway. The books I have been reading have not touched much upon Soul Retrieval, yet, but I know they will. I know a little about it already, a brief outline....

The events of our lives can strip us of small pieces of our soul. Or disconnect us from them. Trauma is what does this to us in many ways, the thousand tiny cuts and the hatchet in the head.

And the way that synchronicity works.... My Mother is low key Christian, a slightly lapsed church attendee. Not fanatical in any way. I have no idea how her faith rests inside her, whether she is a Christian because it is her upbringing or because it is her community, or if her faith sings quietly inside her. It matters not to me. But she is not someone I would expect to give me a jolt of soul retrieval synchronicity....

We were talking at the weekend and she said to me that I had never been as light hearted and fun since my breakdown in my teens, that I had become so much more serious and it was nice to see me regaining some of that old me....

*sigh*

Another part of my soul lost then. And how many other times has a piece been misplaced? Maybe a small piece so that no one would notice it's lack, maybe an occasional thought, a noting of a change but no more...

I remember losing another piece. One day when I was growing up my laugh changed. My laugh always sounded a little false after, it wasn't the same joyous sound. I remember my Mum and Sister asking me as we were on our way in to town one day following some laughter, why my laugh was sounding different today. I just shrugged my shoulders and proclaimed I had lost my laugh.

Part of me sits here now crying for my laugh.

I lost my anger too, for many a long year because I was too young to control rage and I hated that feeling.... So I controlled it completely....

So many pieces of me. Some chopped off by others, others in response to how others interacted to me.

I have been working so long on regaining pieces of myself. I think I have done a good job with some of them. I made a home for them within myself and eventually they crept back as they realised they were welcome.... My anger.... My creativity.... more recently, much of my good cheer....

Maybe some piece of myself I have lost is responsible somehow for my weight problem. What is it I need to make a home for within myself in order to start to sort out this problem?

I have so much to learn

Care A Lot

I am not really doing Bloglandia justice right now. Overtime, tiredness, social activities and wedding planning are dragging me away.... I have a whole post I wish to write on some stuff I have been thinking about and I shall... but not when I have to leave for work in five mins....

Even little things seem to be taking on epic proportions!

I want nice non-alcoholic and alcoholic punches for the guests with a raspberry and rose falvour. Sunday saw me at a friends with raspberries and rose syrup, pureeing and sampling with different accompaniments.... Last night saw me making raspberry syrup which turned out surprisingly well and is actually really easy! and delicious. And here I am actually drinking some! But now I have to experiment with fizzy water and lemonade and vodka and fruit wines and cheap sparkly wine and and and....

You would think a little drink would be easy? Why is there something in me that just can't do bog standard Bucks Fizz? Maybe cos I think it tastes horrible and I am allergic to oranges? Maybe, but I think there is a different drive at work here. The drive to be different, to be new and original, to be the best I can.... This wedding is a chance to show everyone in some ways that I am back where I was before my life went wrong. That although I am absent a lot, even when I am here, that I think of them a lot, that I care a lot.....

Just a drink you say?

*laugh*

Wedding Wishes

So I guess the wedding is on to phase 2 really....

The church and reception are booked. The order of service is agreed. The outfits are with their various experts and all that remains for us to do there is pick them up. The invites, and the subsequent correction, have gone out. There are four left to deliver by hand now and two of those will definitely go out today.

So now my thoughts are moving on.

Maybe I have not achieved much this weekend given I have had two days off as well.... but... a dress fitting, a suit booking, a ring discussion and a watch sorting with the jeweller, four hand delivered invites which required we stop for a nice chat too.... And yesterday I gathered me up some wishes.....

I am going to have a Make a Wish, Take a Wish thing, with a wish tree to hang the wishes people make for us on. So I went hunting on the web for blessings and I found lots of them and I pulled them apart. F and I are going to make up some humorous ones too, but I thought you might like a little looksie at them as they are now....

• May the road rise to meet you
• May the wind be always at your back
• May the sunshine warm upon your face
• May you be poor in misfortune and rich in blessings
• May you know nothing but happiness from this day forward
• May the warm rays of sun fall upon your home
• May the hand of a friend always be near
• May the strength of the wind and the light of the sun, the softness of the rain and the mystery of the moon reach you and fill you
• May beauty delight you and happiness uplift you
• May wonder fulfil you and love surround you
• May your step be steady and your arm be strong
• May your heart be peaceful and your word be true
• May you seek to learn, may you learn to live
• May you live to love, and may you love – always
• May you always have walls for the winds, a roof for the rain and tea beside the fire
• May you always have laughter to cheer you and those you love near you
• May the sun shine all day long
• May everything go right, and nothing wrong
• May those you love bring love back to you
• May all the wishes you wish come true
• May luck be your friend in whatever you do
• May trouble be always a stranger to you
• May your belly never grumble
• May your heart never ache
• May there always be work for your hands to do
• May your purse always carry a shilling or two
• May the sun always play on your window pane
• May a rainbow chase after each spot of rain
• May the roof overhead be well thatched and those inside well matched
• May the saddest day of your future be no worse than the happiest day of your past
• May the roof above us never fall in and the friends gathered below it never fall out
• May your mornings bring joy and your evenings bring peace
• May your troubles grow few as your blessings increase
• May your hands be forever clasped in friendship and your hearts joined forever in love
• May the blessing of the rain be on you, may it beat upon your Spirit and wash it fair and clean
• May the blessing of the earth be on you, soft under your feet as you pass along the roads, soft under you as you lie out on it, tired at the end of day
• May flowers always line your path and sunshine light your day
• May songbirds serenade you every step along the way
• May a rainbow run beside you in a sky that’s always blue
• May the blessing of light be on you - light without and light within
• May your past be a pleasant memory
• May your future be filled with delight and mystery
• May your now be a glorious moment that fills your life with deep contentment
• May dawn find you awake and alert, approaching your new day with dreams, possibilities, and promises
• May evening find you gracious and fulfilled
• May you go into the night blessed, sheltered, and protected
• May the face of every good news and the back of every bad news be toward us
• May every good seed you have planted bear fruit and late summer find you standing in fields of plenty
• May you have for every storm, a rainbow
• May you have for every tear, a smile
• May you have for every care, a promise and a blessing in each trial
• May you have for every problem life sends, a faithful friend to share
• May love and laughter light your days and warm your heart and home.
• May good and faithful friends be yours wherever you may roam.
• May peace and plenty bless your world with joy that long endures.
• May all life's passing seasons bring the best to you and yours!

If we had not attended two rock concerts this weekend, which were tiring and required I sleep lots the day after, then I am sure I could have achieved more... but... *shrugs* I have to have some fun! *laugh*

Not sure how much I shall get done today either! Well except for a visit to a guest to deliver an invite and ask many questions *laugh*

Lost in Music

Can you imagine my relief when last night we got directed in to the very first car park? The one furthest away from the pit. The one they never expect you to walk to.... *grin*

Last night was so very beautiful. We kinda knew it would be. We knew it would be more chilled. We took a rug, wore lots of clothing and carried more with us. We took a picnic. We managed to find a spot on the grass slope at the back and from our rug we were lucky enough to have a good view of the stage inbetween standing people. We were able to stand when we wanted to...

So we sat (well I mostly sat, he mostly stood but we both did a bit of both) and listened to the beautiful sound of the Fleet Foxes. They are not a visual stage act. If i had had no view, it would not overly have mattered. They have a sound and live, it is just so full. They just stand on that stage and merge with their music. And I sat and blissed out and watched the domes change colour to the sides of the stage. Beautiful. Best of the three concerts as far as I am concerned...

Pendulum was great. I danced all the way through even! But that me is an old me... It's like I was there chasing a memory, having a holiday with an old me and while it was good, I won't go back too often! They were not on stage long enough though for the money and I felt short changed....

The crowd was mental! We were quite near the front at the beginning but as soon as it started the crowd kicked off. I expected to be pushed forward but we were pushed back as the young things started moshing and doing their best to maim themselves and others. But we had nowhere to go, we were to close to them, sandwiched between them and the crowd behind and unable to even raise a hand and in danger of much pain... So we moved back and had space to dance and a better view.....

The Flaming Lips were mad. More F's choice than mine so much of the music was unfamiliar but they were incredible, such stage presence. A good concert and a good show....

The crowds varied so much. Pendulum crowd was pushy, a bit rude. Waiting behind the barriers to get the park and ride and people were pushing through and it was a crush and no one could move when they got to the front.... Flaming Lips was fine, a nice varied crowd... but the Fleet Foxes crowd! This concert was rammed but yet the area emptied the quickest because everybody was being orderly and polite. There was no pushing, no shoving, and the only person running through was catching up to her mates after taking a photo.... The queue for the bus was genteel, an orderly queue with no pushing forward and plenty of space around each person.

But all this, what does it all say about me? Maybe I am not really a raver or a rocker any more. Maybe I am not very alternative either.... Maybe I am getting a bit more folky, maybe I have become a lot more chilled...... Maybe my kids won't believe I was ever cool.... but I will understand enough to let them be cool and dance to their own drum....

Fat Beat

We have been to a couple of open air concerts this last week... Last weekend was a cloudy night with patches of fog drifting across the land between the seas... In the pit the cloud and fog served to keep the warmth in and I was almost wearing too much, an unusual happening for me! But then I guess I was dancing too....

Last night in the pit was different, not as dancey, a beautiful clear evening that quickly got cold. I froze. I was not even warm by the time we got home.... What made it all worse was this. I can handle walking up and down the walls of the pit. It is tiring but I can do it. What I can not handle is there being no park and ride buses at the top. The road and the car parks spiral out from the pit, getting higher and higher as they go. Our car park was close but 600m uphill is too much extra for me, when cold, tired, sore. F had to go get the car and come down for me... And I was still cold by the time we got home....

Last weeks concert was so well attended that the very furthest car parks were full and the park and ride was going all night....

We go again tonight and I shall be wearing a lot more for sure. But now I am worrying about the walk etc.

Yesterday we went to see a friend and we briefly talked of weight in relation to health programmes etc. I said I was happy with my life but I won't mind being thinner and fitter but that I wasn't unhappy. I would like clothes that fit better and I would like not to face the health issues coming my way but the rest of it *shrug*. Yesterday evening kinda made me look at this again....

Am I happy? Being obese is a silent disability. One ignored. Glossed over. If we had stopped and said to the parking steward, could we park further down, closer because my good lady is fat and can not handle the walk would he have let us go further down? How embarassed would we be if we have to do that?

A wheelchair and no one blames the person. They might patronise, pity, avoid or any other number of discriminatory activities but there is a silent blame in being obese. You bought this on yourself. Get on and do what all these other people are doing and you will be less obese.

Thanks. That makes me feel great. Pain and misery are so motivating!

Not....