Pride (In the Name of Love)

I get to pause, briefly tonight. Life is twisting and turning for sure at the moment. It's like a good book - the plot feels right but it still has the power to surprise you and you don't get to know all the details till you get there....

I think if you can relax into the plot, it somehow gets easier. Good and bad will come. I think if the bad things that happened to me when I was younger, happened to me now, I would know how to handle them better, that they would not derail me. This feels important. It feels connected with being a parent.

i think you need to be stable within yourself to be able support children and young adults. To be stable you need to be flexible but rigid enought to have form. I finally feel that I have gotten somewhere, that this year is an important landmark for me. That getting married and deciding we are ready to start a family are symptoms of the landmark change, not the change itself. The change is more subtle. I feel it within me but....

And so I find S has come to stay. I hope he chooses to stay. He has expressed his power of choice and made it clear to those who have always previously held the control over his life that he is old enough now to say no and to walk away if he feels he has to. I couldn't stop looking at him this evening because suddenly, in the way he looks, i can see the shape of a man.

I know he is glad that he has been able to come here. The hug as soon as I got in the door said that. Helping his Dad put things in the loft said that. Not making a fuss about having to come and do some pre-booked chores with me tomorrow said that. Children and young adults have softer voices and we have to be quieter in our dealings to hear them, but they are there. A good parent helps their children find their own voice, their own path.

Whether S chooses to stay a night or two or for longer or even to change schools and live here, it will be his choice and we shall support him. We can not make that choice for him. All we can do is try to listen for his voice and be steadfast in our expression of love. Even if he chooses to just take this as a brief respite before returning to his ongoing situation. And I do love him very much and right now, I am so very proud of him. I can't imagine either of those things changing too much.