Today i feel sad. Really, really sad. I painted a BIG picture. Pastel pink, lilac and blue smeared together and overlain with grey. The large tears in slightly darker blue, pink and lilac, then a big eye, grey, white and black with hints of the other colours in there to.
With every stroke I could feel myself well up. I am welling up again now. I wrote in my journal and cried. Not that I wrote anything particularly profound.
I know I am unhappy with my life. I love F very much but everything else could do with some degree of change. I don't want to work full time. I want to live elsewhere - somewhere in the country, fewer people, bigger windows to bring the outside in, land on which to play.... I want to have more time for me, more time to get fitter and stronger so I need less sleep, so I can avoif the health problems coming. I want something else, not what I have.
I don't want to sit behind a computer in a cold draughty warehouse, doing mind numbingly dull work with no natural light every day, watching my back for the actions of my Boss.....
Reading what others write about the synchronicity of BIG already, makes me sad for myself. What if nothing happens for me? What if so much happens it turns my life upside down and I can not cope? What if I have to do the changing and I can not step up to the bar?
Is it time for me? I felt like I was starting to get somewhere and then I got ill and it is as if this last year has been a non-year, just dealing with work and my Boss. Now all of a sudden, everything has started again but where am I going? Where do i want to go? How am Igoing to get there?
Recent signs suggest change is coming.... that dream I had with the path going up the hill, when it had been a bit lost on the rocks. The footholds appeared one by one in front of me as I climbed up. Jamie also said she saw things in my dreamboard suggesting thing were going to change for me soon.....
I feel so lost and sad. I could cry me a river to float away on....
2 comments:
(((((hugs))))
i think letting yourself feel this way is a good thing. i think it's an acknowledgment of loss, a recognition of grief for what once was. I really do think that things are going to change....and as your dream has assured you -- even though the path is uphill and in-and-out of rocky places, the footholds WILL appear...right as you need them....
but there's nothing scarier -- believe me, BELIEVE me...this has been a seriously rough year for me as well...lots of change and challenge and out-and-out unknown-ness....but i can tell you...when you do take those leaps of faith...the net really does appear. Sometimes at the last effing minute when you're sure you're gonna hit hard....but you will be rewarded for moving off in the direction of your heart.
"Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you truly love"
~Rumi
It doesn't always have to be about radical change....
xoxoxoxooxo
I am sorry that you are feeling so sad and that you are so unhappy in your job. A good cry is the best thing though.
I truly believe that the universe supports us when we honour ourselves. That has been my experience, as terrifying as it can be sometimes.
My daughter recently went through something like this at work. She won awards for selling the most and doing the most and then all of a sudden her boss turned on her and started telling lies about her and giving her a hard time. The upshot was she resigned and went into business for herself - it was very scarey for her because she is on her own and has no on esle to help pay the bills. In a very short time she was earning more than she did in her job for half the hours.
Actually. my other daughter also stayed in a job until she was emotionally and spiritually drained. She finally made the decision to leave and found another job working from home for way more money than she was making in her other job.
I hope this gives you some encouragement and support to make the changes you need to make before you are completely drained.
As my Mom used to say "keep the faith."
Hugs!!
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