I have picked up the strings of my past blog life but it no longer seems to quite fit. Some of the blogs I followed before seem to be largely inactive now and others have altered in some way, or I have, and they no longer sing to me. I also feel as if I got off the train and I lost some ground, the ladies I love the most in Bloglandia have grown and grown and grown. By doing things that sing to their soul and working on that, they have.... done so much and all of it sings of them, beautiful, beautiful things, be they words or paint.
I want that too.
But you can not have what another has. For me too copy them would not create things of such soul and they would not sing of the me inside. I must find my own ways of singing and I must do the things that call to me. I have to learn to listen. I also have to get used to not letting my fear stop my creativity before I even start again.
So what sings at the moment?
I want to create a cuddly monster as per the Happy Book, I like the 3D sculptural parts of this, I like textiles and wool. I have the idea of a fishy sort of a thing with streaming wool for hair on tp and a tail. The poor dear has bad skin, with those little metal hole things and little ripped bits flesh showing deeper layers. Maybe an alien from another planet where things are kinder on it's unique felty skin?
I look in the mirror at my naked body sometimes. I look at my fat and I dislike it, a lot. I look at the lines of my body and I find that some of them I like, not for what they mean in terms of my health, but just for the lines themselves. I like the idea of taking a very small section of my body and taking the lines I see and turning them into an abstract of colourful shading. No one would know it was even a body, or a naked body or my naked body. Just pure beautiful lines and colour.
I have things in process for the happy book as well. There is one page that calls for your favourite colour. I like purple, so I started colouring the page with all the diferent purples I had. I hated it. It was messy. I didn't like all the shades and they did not match. I figured that as it felt wrong it was wrong and if it didn't make me happy it had no part in my Happy Book. Some time later I spotted a chocolate wrapper - the inner foil was a beautiful purple, all shiny and nice. I now have two. Then I was given some supplies at work in a carrier bag. A pink one, which also happens to have star on it (for this weeks challenge page). I like the pink and the purple and I think I shall get them to work together. I also have some stickies - frames for cards I think - in purple and pink glitter....
I have wasted entire days in avoidance of these things. I am scared. If I turn them in to tasks, will I still enjoy them? Will they still sing of my soul?
2 comments:
if i may impart my vast store of wisdom here (*guffaw*) -- the starting of things is sometimes as horrible as finishing them (for me, anyway) -- and letting go of the notion of a finished product (which for me has to be Perfect) has been HUGE. It was a major hurdle for me to stop giving a rat's ass what anyone might think of my silly bits of paintings or my scraps of writing. It was all that worrying about what it would end up like that was stopping me from starting.
Using bits of cardboard out of a case of cat-food helps....(i still live in fear of an actual white canvas)....as does dropping down into that sort of Other-Place where my hands are sort of disembodied from my brain (ie. my swine of an inner critic)....
i guess it's all about finding your flow again -- i've seen the gorgeous things you create when you're in that place...perhaps you just need to reconnect with it...
xoxoxoxox
Think we've all been through that... i've certainly had spells of writing what i thought others might like or trying to emulate someone else for a while... but there was a point when i thought stuff it.... whether i write or not... how or what i write... yes i may write with others in mind, but with my voice... and constantly listen for the whisper of my soul... sometimes easier said than done...
The threads that connect us to other bloggers are constantly changing too... but a certain few weave a constant, ever changing pattern...
And i nearly always put off something new.... hate a blank canvas... i need several bits on the go, so there is always something unfinished to work at... then i seem to have ideas for other things. And so what if i change direction a zillion times... When all is done i struggle to start again! Usually the best bits are just what happen, not what i plan to do...
Shhh.... listen.... can you hear it? the song of your soul... no one else's... yours....
and if you can only catch a few notes, just make a few bars up til it comes back to you, lol xx
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