Sad Loss

Today was the funeral. Not a comfortable or happy day.

I have not seen S's other family in years. So seeing his Mum, F's ex, was odd. Letting me know I could go, suggests a burying of the hatchet and it felt that way today. At first she couldn't look me in the face but that quickly passed and we even spoke a little. I guess any fears of me taking her place as S's Mum have long since passed. He already has a Mum and I could never be her, I am his Rose, just another person in the group of family surrounding him, I add, not take away. It isn't a competition. The two of us are so very different, I find it hard to imagine F with her. Nice to know as well, that at future big days in S's life, I may get to be there and have things be fine.

F was not her only Ex there, there was one more and her current partner too. So that was interesting. And I got to see S's wider family, some of whom I have heard a lot about over the years.

I got to spend the day with F's parents as well. I adore his Dad but I struggle with his Mum at times but to be honest, it was fine. But it was not a comfortable day for me.

So why did I go? She was nice to me, so very nice, the one time we met. S's Mum was being so difficult at the time and she came out and introduced herself as I sat waiting in the car. She was lovely and with a jokey comment, let me know that she knew her daughter was being a little hard on me and that she didn't entirely agree, without being in any way unpleasant towards anyone. A woman of rare kindness and warmth. Being in S's life, I have seen the effects of her on him so often. Poor S. He has shown his stuff these last few weeks and he suddenly grew up. I think we are all so proud of him right now.

So yes, this loss made me very sad, although I did not know her so well. I found it reverberating uncomfortably in my art this morning.

Still for now it is time to move on and help S as best we can. Skating and screaming our way through Halloween should help....