Learning Life's Lessons

I realised something yesterday, as I was lying in bed waiting to go to sleep. Be warned this is dull, self-interested stuff that it is useful for me to write but you really may wish to skip reading...

I realised the uncomfortable root of my sometime problems with the Little Princess.

Let's back track a bit. I believe that lessons in life keep coming back until we get it. They probably don't look exactly the same and we don't neccessarily have to consciously solve the problem, just get it right enough to move on....

So, one big theme in my life is the relationship with my sister. Time has sorted out that problem. We are no longer kids on the same path through school being cared for by the same parents. We no longer need to be treated the same. Our lives are so different that being treated differently upsets no ones views of equality. My sister and I have reached a point where we can pretty much be friends and all is good, although the scars of it all are probably something we are each still dealing with in our own way. I know I am.

So the root of the problem was that we were chalk and cheese but my parents tried to treat us fairly and equally. This was kind of hard with such different kids. They played down my successes and pushed my sister. One thing I can think of that would have been very hard for her was that she didn't make her grades for her Uni offer. My sister was upset and would have left it but my Mum spent most of the day ringing around for places with spaces that would except her grades. My sister went to Uni but struggled all the way through and eventually got pregnant. She gained a biology degree from a teacher training college having failed her teaching practice.

They must have been some painful and difficult years, full of struggle and lack of confidence. I think my Mum later came to the conclusion that she shouldn't have done it for her, if she hadn't been able to do it herself, then she was not ready for Uni. I think, for my Sister, dealing with her lack of grades at the time rather than being pushed on might have been better, although on the surface it would have seemed harder but better in the long run.

Anyway.... back to me and right now. What on earth does this all have to do with now.

My Boss has two members of staff, supposedly doing exactly the same role. Myself and the Little Princess. We actually get on well these days, mostly. My Boss mostly tried to treat us equal. This is a lie though, she says she does, but she doesn't.

I ask for leave, I get a grumble about being tricky at month end or making sure others in the team are alright with it before she takes my form. The Little Princess asks for three weeks leave in a four week period and my Boss is sweetness and light and encourages her to take the worst possible days, making my life as difficult as possible.

There is also another uncomfortable cycle. We have one main job that takes up most of our time but a few other tasks that can be either irritating or a nice break from our main task. The Little Princess is not always on the ball about doing them so I used to just get on and do them. At some point this began to cause problems. I guess she got bored and said something to our Boss or our Boss was irritated by the fact that the Little Princess could not cover for me. So I had to train her. She never took notes and would tend to forget things in between times of doing them making it harder.... This meant I often had to keep telling her how to do things, redo them. Sometimes she didn't want to do them so I would end up doing them while my Boss was absent... This is all some time ago.

She can do all of our shared tasks now though but there are still issues here. For instance she can go days with out logging a query whereas I log quite a few. Occasionally a task gets done wrong - she may have done it many times with someone else and it been done right but she goes and does it by herself and I look back and find a mistake - not a single error but something systematic that indicates a problem with her understanding. I used to take these to my Boss, these days I quietly cover for her and try to avoid causing trouble.

You see way back when, my Boss would tell me that I was senior to the Little Princess and that I should keep an eye on her and had permission to get her to do things. Unfortunately this was not what my Boss was telling the Little Princess. She would be telling her that we were equal. If she had been away she would apparently ask the Little Princess on her return, how I had been.... The balance of equality shifts depending on how my Boss is feeling about the pair of us and is hard to predict.... So I stopped playing that game.

Of the things to be done, I ask the Little Princess, do you want to do this or this. I tend to do this while my Boss is out of the room so that we both know which tasks we are doing without any interference. The Little Princess knows she needs to do stuff, because if the balance is in my favour, then she would get told off for doing nothing. By asking and divvying it up, I am neither doing everything or nothing, neither taking control or being subordinate.

What sparked my irritation with the Little Princess off this week is that she tried to get one of my colleagues in to trouble. He had been ill and was tired and stressed and unusually he snapped at the pair of us, mostly at me. It wasn't good but it wasn't really anything to get stressed about. He is a good guy and these things happen once in a blue moon. The Little Princess told our Boss, so then I had to say what had happened but I made it clear I was not upset and did not want anything said to my colleague. The Little Princess then also backed down but I think she was a little teasy about it.

I didn't particularly like what she did - but then I have been on the tail end of it, she never has. She has previously complained about me and I know that it results in a severe full on bollocking from my Boss the next time there is a suitable level of pissed off-ness buolt up towards me. She might not be aware what complaining about someone gives my Boss the ammo to do.... Naive.

So there is one task I still do and do not share with the Little Princess. It is dull, time consuming and requires some background knowledge of excel. I did give her some training once but she wrote no notes, asked no questions, said that seems easy enough and went back to her desk and never got involved with it again.

She randomly asked one day if she could learn to do it and my Boss bought this up yesterday. I have not doen it since she asked and won't do it until the Little Princess is on leave next, so I am going to have to train her without actually doing it. Now I am teasy because I trained her before but she never really wanted to do it and I am not sure she has the background knowledge to get it easily but if I fail to train her, will I be in trouble? If she gets frustrated with my training, will I be in trouble? Probably. It will be my lack, not hers.

I had a little chat with a colleague and he pointed out that it probably was my Boss that the sudden desire for her to learn this task originated with, not the Little Princess herself. They also pointed out that I should write a procedure so she can not get away with blaming my training because she has it all in writing, with screen prints.... Good idea - I shall do that.

My Boss is playing us. Again. She is unconsciously tapping in to the dodgy relationship with my Sister but in a worse way, she is maliciously doing it. I guess I have to prove that I have learnt this lesson - not letting it dent my self condfidence, not letting myself behave badly. I am going to be me without rubbing it in her face, not that I have.

When it comes down to it, this has to be just as hard for the Little Princess, her self condfidence is being knocked by comparisons to me. Just as my sister was. She is being pushed further than she should because I am able. Whether she realises it or not, this is not a good place for her either. My Boss is damaging us both with this game.

So what am I going to do? Exactly as my Boss asks but in the nicest way I can to help my colleague actually learn it. It is not her fault she doesn't have much experience with Excel or that this has been handled in an unpleasant way. She is capable of following instructions to get the job done and if it is writing, then I can not take the blame for any mistake she makes. I support her, but ultimately we all stand or fall by our own merits. Who knows which attempt to cover for her will fail?

But then it doesn't really matter. My Boss likes her more than she likes me but she needs me more. If I can deal with this recycling of old isues in a graceful and loving way, hopefully I get to move on....

This job sure has made me learn a lot. These last few years have been tough. Maybe my life gets to turn around soon.