Last night F M-i-L called and I couldn't avoid talking to her. I wasn't mean, but I wasn't too nice. I didn't avoid saying what I thought. It didn't make me feel any better. You can't change people and I am not sure I achieved anything. There are none so deaf as those who will not hear.
Does that make how I handled it right? I have no idea!
Actually I did achieve something - no phone calls tonight!
Work was better than expected today. It seems likely that there will be no redundancy announcement this year anyway.
This is not the note I wanted to begin my new year on but then I guess I have a couple more days.
I am kinda glad I have a tiny, tiny audience for this blog. I found before that I felt a pressure to be worthy on my old blog. The more people read it, the more I wrote about my life, the more I tried to be a perfect person. I was still me I guess but not me, warts and all.
This striving is a good thing, a lot of growth can come from it. Life got too much though. Maybe that was part of what my illness was about? Thhis last year feels a bit like a non-year. A set back year. Swimming fast to avoid losing as much ground as possible. I learnt a lot, but it has not been a positive happy year, although I have not been too unhappy. bad things have happened and I have been reminded of the inner strength I have.
I got better. I survived the redundancies. I survived my Boss bullying me and I am still there, and the team has closed ranks around me so we are all closer than ever and my Boss, well she is a little out in the cold. We are not rude or unhelpful but she is not taken into our confidence, we have more of a relaxed laugh when she is not in the room.... She could not destroy me! Because I refused to let her. While it is ongoing, we both know that short of getting me sacked, there is nothing else she can do, because she already tried.
So yeah, I want to be more comfortable in my skin, scars, flab, everything including all my negative emotions. Sometimes ager is a good thing. So last night, by being a little more honest, I may have upset the f m-i-l, but maybe I helped the person who was bearing the brunt of her insensitivity, gave them a little breathing space and they could probably really use that. No I don't particularly like that person, but that doesn't make me insensitive to their plight.
Sometimes a little honesty is good but too much can be bad. The balance is the hard thing to find and completely subjective
2 comments:
you did grand -- it's always hard to step out of our usual keep-the-peace selves and be honest...did that today by NOT taking the kids to a family 'do' -- bore the guilt-trip and moved on. when they saw i wasn't budging, they let it go. WOOT!
f m-i-l sounds a right dragon -- you've got your hands full that's for sure -- but considering the circumstances she needed shutting up.LOL!!
and yeah -- trying to be all happy-happy-joy-joy all the time isn't being true to yourself...how can that be good?
xoxox
*hugs*
I so respect you for doing that with your Shinies and I am glad they let it go.
and she is a right dragon... I could tell you so much more! I think this has to be one of the worst things though for sheer insensitivity!
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