Inside(r)

I want to writer about the outsider but I am sooooo tired. Last nights dream disrupted an already disturbed night. My sleeping pattern is still out of order from last weekend's overtime. And I have to be up so early tomorrow.

At work I am not an outsider and i understand now that this is why I didn't want to leave this job, even when things got so very bad. Now things are better for me, it is clear how i belong there. I consider a couple of the guys to be the brothers I never had. I get on with all of them. I am relaxed and in my element, having a laugh and a joke with them all. In my element indeed.

Some would consider that I have sunk to the bottom of the heap, but they are people who perhaps hold a career success oritentated view on life, rather than a people focused one. truth is the people I work with are unique individuals and each and every one of them is prepared to accept me in the same vein.

Down here, we don't pretend to be the be all and end all. i am not saying all is perfect and we are perfect people, but there is an honesty in our relationships that is often lacking further up the career ladder where professionalism is a by word for not being yourself and squishing your emotions somewhat ( a very personal view, no offence intended).

We can be cruder and ruder. Our jokes can have more bite. Our disagreements don't simmer beneath the surface, they flair out, not as far as fists, but often voices get a little raised. We can be individual and are accepted as such, as long as we do not think we are any better than anyone else.

I may be one of the more academic on the team, but I know this does not make me a better person, or more able to do the job. It means I do different aspects to some. I have weaknesses and everyone knows what they are. My poor memory is the butt of many a joke, but they are never jokes against me but jokes with me. My colleagues, through their love and care have earnt their right to rib me, they know where the line is and it is done with much humour...

And what of my Boss? Things have been calmer of late. The Little Princess and her really were a bad mix. When she becomes stressed, she turns to me now. i am the peacekeeper, the facilitator, the bouncing board, the stress relief. i hear every single whine and whinge.

And suddenly I know how to deal with it all. I calm, I reason, i listen and sometimes I just nod my head, sometimes I shrug my shoulders. i do my best to be balanced and non-judgemental. i keep her happy so things stay calmer. And strangely I am calm and fine with this.

Don't go thinking I trust her and like her after all that has happened. I know her faults. I learnt some painful lessons last year, but once I truly learnt them, the situation resolved. Things have changed inside of me. She seems little different.

So if I am so far from being the outsider, how is it that i am still haunted?

It haunts my inner child and it is back to childhood I need to go.