I am pretty tired after my weekends work. By the end of Friday i will have worked 19 days with only one day off during that time. 144 and a half hours. But anyway. It will be next weekend before I am back on form I suspect but I am still thinking about the Outsider. I need to delve in to my past and see if I can free my Inner Child a little as this feeling of being the Outsider has sometimes drowned her.
I am the youngest of two and we grew up in the country. There were not many children living near by. My Sister and I had an odd relationship I guess, I was laid back and let her take control but really, I liked adult company more. I liked talking to adults and always did. I had no fear and I had a disturbing desire to wander off and find nice adults to talk to, much to the chagrin of my parents.
I went to playgroup in a nearby village and my Mum also worked there some days. Our hamlet was linked to the village I went to playschool in but was the opposite side of the main road so when school came, my sister and I went to school in a different village. At playschool I found myself deserted by my playmates as the school they were going to, took them some months earlier. So I was suddenly the oldest.
And then I went to school to. I knew none of the children there and had none of the history of playschool with anyone and none of the established friendships. I never really settled in my primary school. I never really had many friends. I only remember playing with two girls. I remember being bad at skipping, but also that the playground attendants used to lead group games and that although I was well liked, this meant I was not alone. One of the lunch time people really liked me and even gave me a present one time.
I was a tomboy. I was one of the oldest and tallest in my class. I remember towards the end of my time that I started playing with two boys. I suspect that if I had stayed, I would have ended up playing with the boys more than the girls.
My Sister meanwhile had finished her time at primary school and been sent to a local private school. This was a good move for her. She was shy and less academic and the school gave her a sheltered place to grow and learn. She had a long term best friend there and a group of friends, mostly day girls like us rather than boarders. (Her best friend eventually betrayed her and they fell out and I can barely remember why. My Sister then felt betrayed because I remained friends with her)
I was so unhappy at my school that my parents decided to take me out early and send me to the same school as my sister as soon as they could. Unfortunately I was put up a year and the school had no idea. I went from being one of the oldest to being the youngest. I was behind and tested for dyslexia etc because of this and given extra lessons. I grew up thinking I was less than intelligent.
I was bad at sport and I still did not gel with people at my school. I did not have a best friend until many years later. She was a special young lady, several years older, older than my sister and lacking friends herself. We probably had about the same mental age, but she was a good and true soul (and probably still is).
In the years before that I didn't have a friend and I was desperate for one. I would always volunteer to show new pupils around, hoping desperately that one of them would like me enough to be my friend. I wasn't disliked, I just wasn't a part of things. I didn't have much in common with these girls I found myself with.
The biggest difference was that most of them boarded. I didn't really understand that my apartness was not my fault I don't think. The boarders were there together at night and the weekends so of course they formed strong bonds with each other. In my year, the handful of day girls did not form a strong group like they had in my sisters year. I think the girls I got on best with were the small group of Chinese girls but I was never one of them either.
My best friend left. I decided to join Young Farmers or YFC, a countryside youth movement. Once I had made friends there my Sister came and joined as well and then her group of friends from school started to go out with us as well. This was one of the best things I ever did in my childhood I think. At that time the YFC was a much more diverse organisation than it is now because there were more older members than young, so I had plenty of adult company and I loved it all.
I think my class mates were probably jealous that I was going ou drinking and kissing boys while they were locked away in school. I am sure that some of the most popular girls would have loved to have been asked to my house for the weekend. But I have a mile wide stubborn streak and I refused to ask any of them, they had left it a little late to try and form friendships and their attempts were obvious in their purpose.
Things would have continued getting better I guess, as my reliance on school lessened and my life outside of school bloomed. At fourteen I became ill with glandular fever and my social life went away over night. I couldn't even cope with school a lot of the time. The next year were pretty lonely I guess, I don't remember much except sleeping.
I got better and started work at a local restaurant. I was doing a job I legally should not have been, serving alcohol. I didn't look or act my age and so the customers sometimes behaved a little inappropriately towards me *laugh*. Then my school started to shut.
My parents offered to send me as a boarder to the new school they were all going to but I refused and went to a local college instead. I was fed up with snobbishness for my school had been firmly divided in terms of money. My Mum worked at the school and some of the children came from rich families.
I loved college and it came as a shock to discover that there were people like me and that people liked me. Suddenly I was very popular and I had plenty of boys interested. Although i had had boyfriends before it was always tricky because I was younger than everyone else, but here were hundreds of boys my age. These were two great years.
This is a very superficial story of my life up until I turned 18. Some of the issues. I think some memories need to be looked at in a lot more detail. This doesn't get too far really as it is well turfed ground. I need to dig deeper into these years and ones that came after. I expect it might be quite dull! You may wish to avoid these posts....
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